DH wants master bedroom to be entirely office/workout space, I don't. AIBU?

[orchid55]

Moving to a new house with toddler and newborn. The house is split over 3 floors - 3 bedrooms on the first floor (2 decent size, one a bit more boxy but still fits a single bed) and then a nice spacious master with an ensuite on the top floor.

My husband works from home and wants the top floor to be his office/workout space so that he can have a quiet working space and the children don't disturb him. We have also discussed having a sofa bed in whichever room ends up being the office so family or friends can occasionally stay over. He says having the office/spare room in the loft means guests can have their own space and an ensuite which would be nice to offer.

Initially I could see practical reasons for this set up but I am now engaging my emotions more and don't feel happy with this set up at all. He will effectively have a whole floor to himself and will end up with his own quarters given it will have an ensuite and a sofa bed so he has a sofa to relax on when he needs a break. Whereas I feel relegated to the "children's floor" and the only space I get is when I am asleep - and even then, with a newborn not much of that will be happening for a long time. I know we would obviously share the bedroom but it is only big enough to sleep. It might fit a chest of drawers or a wardrobe at a push but I'm not even sure if it will as we have a king size bed and would at least like to have our bedside tables in there. This room would, however, fit a sofa bed and his office stuff.

Also, when it comes to people visiting, we might have somebody stay over maaaaybe once a quarter for a night or two. Surely them having their own space doesn't trump us having a nice space to ourselves since we have to live in this house every day.

But if we had the bedroom he suggests, most clothes would end up in the loft room. No space for me to have a dressing table or anything that's mine at all. Having to go to the office to get dressed every day - or multiple times a day. But then only having free access to it when he's not working.

I feel like I need our bedroom to be a sanctuary for us. A peaceful place, with enough space that I feel I can breathe at the end of the day after having two children attached at the hip all day. A little corner just for me even to have a dressing table - I've never had one and my bedside table is bursting at the seams with my things I would rather be able to keep nicely laid out and set up. I am happy with our bedroom also being a workout space, we have always done this since being married and it's worked out great for us since all the workout gear gets put away afterwards anyway.

I've expressed this and I do have some strong feelings about looking after my mental health with two young children. I have told him that the top floor will inevitably become his living space and he says I am attacking him by saying that and why can't I just share my feelings. But I am just stating the practical facts alongside my feelings. I did tell him that I crave a peaceful place, that daily life with 2 little ones is hard and I want to look after myself. That I would want that nice big room to be our space together, that I don't want to sleep in a cramped room with no room for my clothes let alone any tiny corner just for me. He still says I am attacking him but I think I am just stating the obvious problem here.

He has also asked why the bedroom has to be the relaxing space which I honestly thought was a bit ridiculous because where else? Having two kids rooms next to us means we have to talk quieter too whereas being upstairs means we can talk and laugh and not worry about waking the sleeping children. It just seems unreasonable. Am I supposed to put my dressing table in his office? Shall I permanently get dressed in the office? Shall I only have access to my clothes and our ensuite when he is not working and only ever shower in what will be the kids bathroom?

AIBU? Am I attacking him? How would I share my feelings in this situation without him feeling attacked? I am aware I can be quite intense when feeling overwhelmed but I am feeling overwhelmed as the demands of two young children are hard and sharing things without any intensity feels pretty impossible at the moment.

He is a very kind and loving man, not unreasonable the vast majority of time and definitely does care about me and my wellbeing but I am struggling to get through to him with this. Help!

The only thing that kept me sane in the very early years was a warm bath floors away from the noise and the children. Both dh and I would take it in turns.
It will be a wonderful sanctuary and I think it’s very wrong to deprive you of that space. Of course you need to unwind, relax. Have sex and some time being a whole human being.
There is no way I would agree to his demands. Not a chance.
One of the few benefits of three floors is that you won’t hear the screaming below 😅 You can actually relax properly.

Having read through the responses and ideas, I think the best solution would be for the third floor to be a shared "recreational" space: workout space, sofa bed for guests, and also a dressing/makeup etc. space for you, with the benefit of the ensuite for getting ready to go out, or having a pamper evening or whatever. I understand the logic for using the furthest bedroom for a work space, but given the reality of there being two parenting adults, I just don't think it's fair for him to get that whole floor to have his dream set up. Like you say, that effectively leaves you relegated to the family spaces while he gets his own retreat.

You don't need an online forum to arbitrate over whether your wishes are more sensible than his...
You just need him to be open to the conversation and consider your views to carry as much weight as his do... then between the two of you a happy compromise will naturally be found, through a process of fair discussion, that you can both live with.

Are you and the children out of the house during the day? If you and the kids are at home during the day then his idea makes the most sense. He needs a quiet work environment and being on the top floor makes the most sense as it is away from the rest of the house where you and the kids would be. It doesn't makes sense for the quietest area of the house to sit empty all week while he works in a noisy house.

It seems you have made clear that you want the master bedroom to work for you - you want workout equipment there because you use it, you want a dressing table, you want closet space etc. You have a vision for the room that doesn't seem to include him at all! Both of you are focused on making the room work for you. I don't see him saying he is going to live on the top floor and never come out. That is your belief - is that based on facts and what happens so far in your current house?

Honestly while your kids are so young I think you are better to be on the same floor as them. Easier to get them in the night without going up and down stairs, you can hear them and just easier overall to manage. I am not sure with a couple little kids that a big bedroom being a haven is really doing to happen. I would maybe sleep in a bedroom on the second floor for the next few years and then when the kids are a little older, you can move upstairs.

I have exactly the same set up as you OP... and NO WAY would I give up our master bedrm/ensuite for a wfh office. But I've never been asked to, despite four of us working from home during pandemic. I think you should stick to your guns.
He's taking over entire one-third of the house entirely for himself. I know several people who have built/converted a garden shed.

We have a larger more comfortable bed there anyway and it means we didn't disturb the DC using the bathroom at night. If he is allowed to take over this space you will never get it back and you will be on call for all dc night duty. I couldn't agree to that.
Our children slept in the 1st floor bedrooms. I could always hear them, including toddler (at the time) sometimes we had the travel cot in master b, if poorly.
It was easier then as this was pre-wfh days. DC rooms were "homework rooms" with a desk anyway, which wouldn't really be possible if one is your bedroom.

You haven't moved in yet but once we'd had wardrobes (my vanity unit was an old-fashioned desk very occasionally used with laptop) two bedside tables and chests of drawers - it was completely full anyway. The one good thing is that it does has is a bit of central floor space where you can unroll an exercise mat for stretching - we all use it. Not just one person.

DH works happily on GFloor with view of the garden open to the kitchen which is now like the staff break room and it's never been a problem. If I still had school-age DC, I'd put them in the room I work in to play/do homework after school. I'm in the front ground f. We had a garage with door to the house which we cleared as a playroom for the DC, which can also be used to work, but it can be cold in the winter.
So the upshot is that making several rooms workspace friendly and having a decent laptop, and wireless printer means that your DH will have several spaces to choose from. Maybe making a close-door room, the zoom room for undisturbed calls? Best of luck.

out your foot down, just say NO WAY. And refuse to discuss it further!

We are on the top floor with 2 young children below and it is a peaceful sanctuary. I can still hear them if they have nightmares etc, but when they were closer I was constantly waking at every murmur and groan and was sleep deprived.
Now I only “hear what I need to hear” , so sleep is much better and mental health much better too.

If youngest is ill he can come into our bed. It suits us much better - like you say, we can watch TV and chat without waking them too.

I think his attitude is selfish. OP in your post you massively over explain yourself and justify your position a lot, do you have to do this with your husband? Does he only listen to you if you have a certain number of reasons to feel the way you do?

We've always had this set up when we've had3 storey houses, my H has a lot of 'stuff' related to his job and it worked better being top floor (or basement)

Good point.

Why didn't you discuss what you needed before you bought a house?
This seems an arse about tit way to be doing it.

I laughed at "so he has a sofa to relax on when he needs a break."

Most people take a break by putting the kettle on and having a wee while it boils. Or go for a walk, or peel the veg for dinner, or hang some laundry, not relax on a sofa bed!

If he is working he only needs a desk not a massive room. Surely if you work too the children will be at daycare so he should not have an issue with noise? If they are young presumably when home they will be downstairs with you or DH?

As the children get older they will need more room for their stuff so it makes sense for them to have the two bigger rooms. A working space should not take up a third of the house unless he has other equipment other than PC?

I would make the top room a room for both of you. He uses it as an office during the day and then you make yourself a little nook there as well with maybe an oversized chair and whatever you want. Split the room so both of you have functional spaces for what you want it for. You can go up and have a bath and relax in the room too. Sleep on the main floor where the kids are but maximize the use of the upstairs room for both of you.

I actually think being below your kids is different to being above them.

I'm not a panicked like many on mumsnet, however there is a reality that if I'm above the children, they're the first burglars, attackers or a fire would get to (fires most likely to start in the kitchen or rooms with lots of electrical equipment).

I wouldn't sleep on a floor above my young children. That set up put me off lots of houses when I was looking.

He is being unreasonable and it wouldn't work for your family. Youd need access to the office several times a day, to get dressed xhange clothes and so that wouldn't work whilst he's working or you have guests over. That being said if the kids are little you will be up and down the stairs a heck of a lot at night unless they sleep through. Your house should be a safe haven for you to relax, not set up for an occasional guests convenience.We ruled out town houses for this reason. I would not like to be on a different floor to my children.

I would tell him this set up isn’t going to work for you as a family so you need to look for something else.

Obviously assuming you haven’t exchanged/signed contracts

We have a similar layout.
Initially, when the children were small, the master was an office/spare room and we had the bedroom next to the children. Later on, the box room became the office and my eldest moved into the master as again I didn’t want to be far from my younger child.
As soon as she was old enough (think they were 4 and 6), we moved our son downstairs again and we moved into the master. Offie in the box room, children have a small double each. Workout in the master bedroom.
So being flexible worked for us, but no way was the top floor going to be a man cave!

Her Dh didn't say anything about taking breaks on the sofa bed, that is just what she is saying he might use it for. Yet she wants it as a sanctuary for breaks from the kids too.

Put the children on the top floor with the ensuite.
On the middle floor, Take one room as your bedroom, one room as your dressing room and one room as his office.

I would be very annoyed if my DH suggested this.
I am assuming the attic bedroom is the same footprint as the house - he is essentially asking for a third of the house to be his domain with guests using it 3 or 4 times a year.

As others have said what's the point of having a 'master suite' if you're not going to use it. You spend a quarter to a third of your life in bed, you deserve the best surroundings in your house.

I really appreciate having an adults only space. Regarding young DC, you can have stair gates and monitors and it's for such a short period of time.

Long term - could you get a garden office for his gym / WFH?

I don't think the house is suitable for a family with small children tbh. I would hate being in a different floor than the children. I also see that it would be problematic for him to have a giant man cave, while you can't even have a dressing table. It doesn't work.

I can see his side too, he has to spend 40 waking hours in the room every week so it’s arguably more important than the bedroom space.

When you are having time-out in the evenings you’d have all downstairs to yourself. And by that time he’d have probably finished in the loft room anyway.

If the second biggest room cannot hold any clothes then I would agree with you, if it’s just the dressing table that you’d have to give up, I’d probably let him have the upstairs for a while and see how it goes.

It sounds like this might be the wrong house for you as a family. How far along are you with your move?

I think it’s telling you already are concerned you are being treated like staff on the children’s floor op. You are still equal with or without the dc! You don’t have to explain in so much detail why it’s important to you - you are valid and have a right to be happy and have a relax in your own house fgs.
Dh is being unreasonable here, and I wonder to what extent everything is being done on his terms op?

A place to relax