Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH refusing to consider me getting a boarder in (short term)

163 replies

ohblahdeeohblahdahlifegoeson · 06/02/2023 02:15

Hoping to get some perspective on this as at the moment I feel annoyed that I am being told 'No' to something which doesn't outright affect him (in my opinion)

Short summary,
Husband works away, is home every 2nd weekend.
I'm a SAHM and enjoying it but not enjoying the lack of financial freedom.

I've seen an advert for short term accommodation needed in our area for seasonal workers and as we have plenty of space I thought it would be a great way for me to get a little spending / saving money.

Husband has said an outright no.
His reasoning is that he wouldn't feel safe having someone else in our house but I would only consider a female boarder in any case.

Ironically we live rurally so 90% of the time I here on my own with 2 children so if anything I would feel more safe having someone else live here!

PS, awesome husband, dad and provider in all other ways, I'm just annoyed about this!

OP posts:
SongforWhoever · 06/02/2023 13:48

When my children were small I hosted foreign students. They were generally pleasant and well behaved and I learnt a lot about other countries. Overall, it was a good experience and an easy way to make some money when you have small children.

notacooldad · 06/02/2023 14:47

A female lodger may not be a likely child molester or murder but they can still be a pain in the arse! ( It'll be a long cold day in hell before I will have another lodger!)

Plbrookes · 06/02/2023 14:50

Naunet · 06/02/2023 13:27

If you have to lie about the claim made (no one said NO women do), then your argument is bullshit, statistics are available for you to look up yourself.

Show quote history

You're wrong again, MrsTerryPratchett wrote on the first page of this thread that it was false to say that women could be paedophiles and child murderers - her comment has now been deleted but you can see the placeholder. So don't lie. I'll call you out on it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2023 15:00

You're wrong again, MrsTerryPratchett wrote on the first page of this thread that it was false to say that women could be paedophiles and child murderers - her comment has now been deleted but you can see the placeholder. So don't lie. I'll call you out on it.

I believe I said it was vanishingly rare actually, which, statistically, it is. If you exclude women who have killed violent partners, and people who only 'identify' as women it's very very low.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2023 15:01

If you want to misquote me you can @Plbrookes so I know.

<helpful>

Conkerchase · 06/02/2023 15:38

I'm with your DH personally, the idea of anyone else staying in my home horrifies me, even if they were perfectly nice and helpful. I just couldn't relax in my own home if a stranger lived here, and I don't think you could ever trust someone else (even if they were trustworthy in themselves, they might lose keys or have friends of friends who are a bit dodgy etc). I'm private enough that I don't even like my own friends coming over for a visit. If your DH doesn't feel comfortable with it, I don't think it's fair to insist on it, after all it's his home too. There are other ways to make an income from home.

Delatron · 06/02/2023 16:22

I agree with your husband and I think as it’s half his house too and his children you need to listen to his concerns. It’s something you both need to be in agreement with.

Personally I can’t think of anything worse than sharing my house with a stranger..

Dog boarding is a good idea but don’t know if that would be ok with farm animals?

Plbrookes · 06/02/2023 16:47

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2023 15:01

If you want to misquote me you can @Plbrookes so I know.

<helpful>

Quoting you accurately @MrsTerryPratchett. And weren't you SO condescending to the person you replied to? Shame you were wrong.

Sunshine275 · 06/02/2023 16:53

It’s a risk I wouldn’t want to take with children involved.

Manthide · 06/02/2023 17:28

Dd2 and her husband had 2 lodgers, who were friends initially from university and it was fine when everyone was at work all day. The pandemic and everyone having to wfh and be in all the time caused issues though. Dd2 asked them both to move out when she was ttc as she wanted a family home. Now they have a little boy and they just want their privacy however good friends they were.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2023 17:43

No @Plbrookes I said 'vanishingly rare'. Unless you have some eidetic memory I can't see how you have such encyclopedic memory of everything I wrote.

Also, weirdly stalkerish. Just FYI.

Plbrookes · 06/02/2023 18:30

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2023 17:43

No @Plbrookes I said 'vanishingly rare'. Unless you have some eidetic memory I can't see how you have such encyclopedic memory of everything I wrote.

Also, weirdly stalkerish. Just FYI.

So replying to someone on Mumsnet is 'stalkerish' is it? Except when you do it I guess...

Justmeandthedog1 · 06/02/2023 18:39

ohblahdeeohblahdahlifegoeson · 06/02/2023 03:05

Ok this is helpful, thank you. It's helpful to read that many of you agree with his point of view. I can be more flippant when it comes to safety (probably quite naive) so thought he was being overly protective.

No we don't have joint bank accounts (purely because I would have to do all the chopping and changing and I haven't bothered yet. We are with different banks)
I do however have access to his bank account, pay slips, and have a debit card for his account which I use for everything.

We are surviving ok on one income but we are also TTC and as we live rurally it doesn't stack up for me to return to work as it will cost too much in petrol and childcare. Plus i have plenty to do around the farm each day.
Life is good! I would just enjoy having some extra disposable income.
BUT having read the comments I think I'll pull my head in and take his concerns on board.

Off to check out only fans ... must be a niche for mucking out pigs and chooks in bare feet surely??

If you have land could you offer camping, glamping, small caravan site? I think there are simpler rules for having 5 or fewer pitches.

Lifeisapeach · 06/02/2023 19:09

If I were in your shoes, I would have a serious look at my priorities !

TTC but no spare money/financial freedom (access to someone else’s bank account doesn’t count!)
Would rather have a stranger move in than go back to work.

Seriously?

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 07/02/2023 10:09

I wouldn't be TTC if money was that tight you were considering hosting a stranger!

Iceysuperslide · 07/02/2023 11:11

I had a lodger before I had my child, it was ok but preferred life without a lodger.

All I suggest is forget all the I miss my nails being done malarkey. What would happen to you if your DH and you broke up? I am asking this whilst currently supporting a friend who after 30 years with her DH of which 25 were married she finds herself in an awful position as she was a SAHM for close to 20 years.

I have seen so many marriages and long term partnerships break down. I was lucky I suppose in a tragic way that I saw my two much older sisters when I was a teenager break up with their husbands so was jaded as hell at just 14.

To people trying to prove women are as much of a risk absolute shame on you.

Plbrookes · 07/02/2023 11:59

Iceysuperslide · 07/02/2023 11:11

I had a lodger before I had my child, it was ok but preferred life without a lodger.

All I suggest is forget all the I miss my nails being done malarkey. What would happen to you if your DH and you broke up? I am asking this whilst currently supporting a friend who after 30 years with her DH of which 25 were married she finds herself in an awful position as she was a SAHM for close to 20 years.

I have seen so many marriages and long term partnerships break down. I was lucky I suppose in a tragic way that I saw my two much older sisters when I was a teenager break up with their husbands so was jaded as hell at just 14.

To people trying to prove women are as much of a risk absolute shame on you.

The problem is with people who think saying 'non-zero risk' is equivalent to saying 'the same risk as men'.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2023 15:11

I've just had a quick Google of lodgers who rape and murder people, including international cases. I found one woman convicted in Canada. When I actually read it, lo and behold it was her boyfriend who committed the crimes.

If you make a house rule that a female boarder can't bring a man back, you've just reduced the risk to yes, as close to zero as you can. Unless you go around afraid of lightening strikes or winning the lottery.

MRAs are very invested in arguing that women do similar criminal and violent things to men. But it's incredibly rare. So rare that the entire structure of human life on earth would be different if men offended at a similar rate.

MarkWithaC · 07/02/2023 18:01

I'd get someone in.
Those worried about children and safety, it's highly unlikely anything unsavoury would happen. And the other side of it is that knowing and having to get on with different sorts of people, share your space etc, is good life experience. My DP grew up in a family where there was always one boarder or another, often working in the garden and house for bed and board, and he's just about the most relaxed and confident person around people I've ever met.

Morgysmum · 07/02/2023 18:16

If you are after a bit of extra cash, how about running a doggie day care. Apparently, loads of people who brought dogs in lockdown. Have now realised that, you still have to look after them, when you return to work. 🤦‍♀️ But there is a shortage of people to look after the dogs. A few kennels, went bust due to covid.
Having a farm you might have a out building you could use and a well fenced off field. There might be costs involved. But in the long run, it might help.
May be have a look and see if, it's something that is needed in your area.

wentworthinmate · 07/02/2023 18:33

Not sure much call for rural digs unless seasonal workers?

RAC001 · 07/02/2023 18:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Elderflower14 · 07/02/2023 18:46

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Best to start your own thread!! ☺ ☺

Elderflower14 · 07/02/2023 18:47

wentworthinmate · 07/02/2023 18:33

Not sure much call for rural digs unless seasonal workers?

OP said in her post it was Seasonal work!

Jack80 · 07/02/2023 19:29

I think the having a foreign student is a good idea for company. Do you have a crafty side, could you not make something and sell it.