DH refusing to consider me getting a boarder in (short term)

[ohblahdeeohblahdahlifegoeson]

Hoping to get some perspective on this as at the moment I feel annoyed that I am being told 'No' to something which doesn't outright affect him (in my opinion)

Short summary,
Husband works away, is home every 2nd weekend.
I'm a SAHM and enjoying it but not enjoying the lack of financial freedom.

I've seen an advert for short term accommodation needed in our area for seasonal workers and as we have plenty of space I thought it would be a great way for me to get a little spending / saving money.

Husband has said an outright no.
His reasoning is that he wouldn't feel safe having someone else in our house but I would only consider a female boarder in any case.

Ironically we live rurally so 90% of the time I here on my own with 2 children so if anything I would feel more safe having someone else live here!

PS, awesome husband, dad and provider in all other ways, I'm just annoyed about this!

I understand both your views OP, as a single parent my mum had boarders when I was a child. I have great memories of two lovely art students ( female) who stayed for a year and a family ( dad was post graduate) from Brazil too. We had a big house and it worked. Obviously we were lucky with our guests and as a child I saw no downsides. As an adult I may be more wary now!

lodgers can be very hit-and-miss and can be a nightmare. if you can make ends meet, live comfortably and have the freedom to treat yourself to luxuries within reason without this then don't go there. if you are being financially controlled by a partner who isn't sharing family income in full then you're being abused and need to get out, not just increase family income.

I was a lodger with a mum who had a toddler, and a partner (not the child's dad) who didn't live there due to working a long way away but would visit and stay the night occasionally. It was ok and I am sure that I was a reasonably good lodger, always paid rent on-time and didn't do anything madly antisocial, but it was still frustrating for her to have me there, never having full unrestricted access to her own kitchen, bathroom or laundry facilities due to having to share them, and that's the best-case scenario where the lodger doesn't turn out to have some kind of narcissistic personality disorder, or drug habit, or other issue that makes your life hell.

Same, there's no way I'd want mine and families life invaded and have to share facilities just to get nails done!

But @ohblahdeeohblahdahlifegoeson you are definitely 'at work' if you are running a farm on your own!!

This was quite a common thing, for women in particular, to hire out a spare room to a boarder. My husband stayed in such an arrangement before he met me as did my brother recently. It's ideal for a SAHM if the person is out all day. Better to give them a larger room with it's own bathroom. In my brothers case he went home every weekend as he is married, but he needed accommodation in Dublin which was hard to come by. He liked it because he didn't have to think about bills and he rarely saw the lady who owned the house as he was out most of the time. I also let rooms when we bought our first home as we were short of cash. As long as you vet them there shouldn't be any problems.

I had a lodger via my employer once. He was a sponsored student they set the rent rate and all was good. I was single at the time though and had a lock on my bedroom door (I always put one on) so not worried about anything and as he wanted a job at my employers when he finished uni, the risk was very very low. Anyways he was peachy, but not sure with kids how I'd keep them safe if I'm honest. I'm veering towards DH position, OP.

Could you get a small job that's wfh - BT, Amazon and some other call centres use people who wfh...

It depends on the boarder and how well you know them. Me and DM (on separate occasions and separate houses) have had 2 male friends of DB stay mostly for work purposes and one lived here for a short period - 6 months, I just set firm ground rules and if they did eat with me or if at DM’s house they either ate with us or had their own food. Also had grandson of family friend stay for 6 months - all the males were people we knew and not randoms.

DM used to have foreign students when I was younger who were male and female but again ground rules and they attended a language school in Waterloo so we’re often out after work.

OP - as long as you lay ground rules etc this should be fine. Transport might be an issue in your area so just ensure they can drive.

I don’t really understand why people move to areas where they can’t work.

A lodger only solves the problem short term, when DH stops working away, what then?

Didn't realise being a Post Grad meant you couldn't be an awful human.

Do you know the vineyard owner, OP? Can you have a word with him/ her and say that if he has a calm, pleasant woman who might appreciate living with a family, you would consider it? You set the parameters. If it doesn't work out then you can tell him and he'll have to find somewhere else for her.

The first thing you do when you take in a lodger is set the rules, which can include no visitors and then, if things go well and you get on, negotiating changes. IME women workers tend to come over with friends or partners. A single woman might be very grateful for the kind of accommodation you could provide. They can be very vulnerable. Female friends farming in west Wales have female seasonal workers who come back year after year because they know they will be safe with my friends.

The op was about getting a lodger. I wish pp would stop hijacking threads like this to get their anti feminist women-commit-crimes-too crap.

My penny worth is that there really isn’t any point getting your nails done or your hair or your makeup every week whilst living rurally and working on a farm. It isn’t worth £110 per week. If that was the case then the OP would have time to do some seasonal work herself. But again the nails would suffer.

No one gets their nails done on mumsnet op! It’s the height of frivolity especially when you’re a mum!!

How is it anti feminist to suggest women can sexually assult and kill children? They absolutely can and do

I do agree that it's mostly men, but it's very naive to suggest women don't do it

How is it nonsense?

People on this thread are talking about taking in a lodger. And how female crime AND sexual offences are 'vanishingly rare' and the stats prove they're not.

How is it anti feminist to suggest women can comment crimes and sexual offences?

Jesus 😂😂😂

You’ve still not provided stats to back up your claim that it’s not rare for women to commit sex crimes.

I have had women renting with me in the past and it can have many advantages. I agree you do need to be thorough in your background checks.

what is it exactly that your husband doesn’t want? Is it that he doesn’t want to share his home when he is actually back at home? Or does he worry they wouldn’t be trustworthy?

He should have more sympathy for your situation, and be willing to look at solutions rather than a dictatorial No! Would he be more sympathetic if you emphasised that feeling vulnerable being alone was more important than the money.

I have in the past had Monday to Friday boarders. They need a place to stay whilst working away. They are usually out of the house during the day. Demand may be less now that so many people are WFH.

I have used ww.sparerooms.co.uk to find Monday to Friday workers.

your husband is allowed to think what he likes, but it is unreasonable to shut you down when you only want someone in the house because he is away so much. Plus as you say the money would be handy.

If you can satisfy him about the background checks he should reconsider.

Years ago when I was a single mum I took in foreign students , I had no one to discuss the decision with I needed the money and that was that . We are all still in touch with the one that stayed the longest lovely Swiss girl ( well woman now ) 17 years later ! It was a great learning experience for me ,my kids and the students .

Grow up yourself. If you can't defend the claim that no paedophilic murderers are women be honest and admit it. I can't stand dishonest people.

It clearly would affect him to have a stranger around every time he is at home; likewise it affects him if a stranger is with his children.

Would something like childminding be a realistic way of getting some income?

Yes, this stood out to me! A potentially disruptive or difficult source of income to pay for a treat that’s incompatible with OP’s lifestyle. Just order some Barry M online.

How about Air Bn B instead? A farm stay?

@Naunet

You seem to have a problem with reading. Again from the ministry of justice website.

125 of these are recorded as female and another 76 are known to be males who identify as womenn_. For sexual offences.

If you have to lie about the claim made (no one said NO women do), then your argument is bullshit, statistics are available for you to look up yourself.

No I read that, that only confirms it’s rare! 😂 125 women out of a population of about 33 million women.