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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset my NCT group

298 replies

Wellybobs0 · 05/02/2023 17:38

Name change so outing and I know they occasionally come on here

group of 6 mums on a group chat, we all did nct together but only a few have continued to meet up due to work commitments etc. Our toddlers are now 17 months, and my little girl has only been walking since 15 months. I posted on the what’s app if anyone else’s child is struggling to walk in wellies as it’s so muddy but she just falls over.

A few replied. A few days later one of them messaged to say they think I’d been insensitive considering one of the children in the group had recently been a paediatrician due to delayed milestones (not walking at 17 months and not cruising apparently)

Apparently the mum is really upset with me for being insensitive. I didn’t even know!

AIBU to think this is so silly and petty? We only chat on their now and again about random things really, we never share personal info

OP posts:
willowthecat · 05/02/2023 19:43

I think the mum is over reacting esp as you didn't even know about her child. My oldest son had severe delays in all areas at that age and yes it could be inwardly upsetting that someone else would complain about a more minor issue but I wouldn't have thought of blaming them or complaining about them

Justalittlebitduckling · 05/02/2023 19:45

Sososocold · 05/02/2023 19:22

IME NCT attract some batshit people. My NCT group had 2 batshit members who just created drama. My work colleagues group had a batshit member, my best friends group had 3 batshit members, a friend I made at playgroup also had batshit members in their NCT group. I left my group after 14 months as it became a borefest of the 2 batshit members constantly have drama and taking offense at stuff. Still in contact with 2 of the normal ladies.

I think I may be the crazy one in my group. The others seem very dull to me. Oops.

MisschiefMaker · 05/02/2023 19:47

You've only heard that the mum is upset with this from a third party, I wouldn't pay it too much heed. More likely is that your message upset her because it's a reminder of her DC's potential problems but that's different from saying you've offended her or done anything wrong. You haven't done anything wrong, but equally she is obviously going to be upset at reminders that her child may have developmental delays. That's life. Don't let a meddling middleman cause a rift between you.

Spudina · 05/02/2023 19:48

This group has ran its course OP. In groups that get together with one thing in common (like NCT, university classes) there’s usually an intense bonding period followed by the period where you work out who you actually like and who really annoys the hell out of you. This is that period. Drop the prats. Keep the ones you like. You didn’t do anything wrong btw. That Mum has a journey to go on that’s going to be made more difficult by alienating everyone.

WandaWonder · 05/02/2023 19:56

I do not think you did anything wrong so need to apologise

Scuttlingherbert · 05/02/2023 19:56

Once I posted in my NCT group that we'd just seen a speech therapist because of my baby's refusal to eat and someone replied to that message with a photo of their baby with food around its mouth saying "this week's favourite food is blueberries" and I thought "fuck off."
My baby is 17 mths and not walking and we're not concerned but I'd find the question about struggling to walk in wellies really annoying. I wouldn't say anything though.

I think this is the problem with having friends with identical age children. I've backed off from a Facebook group of same age kids which I used to love because every week someone is posting videos of toddlers reciting Shakespeare or running a marathon or getting a PhD and you can't help but compare

Creative34 · 05/02/2023 19:58

YANBU. Those women need to grow up and get a life - clearly they have too much time on their hands to be offended. Do they go around asking toddlers not to walk around them in case of causing offence or issue? His delay isn’t your fault.. you’re child had their own delay. Honestly people nowadays are just too damn sensitive and have too much time on their hands to be offended.

EmmaDilemma5 · 05/02/2023 20:02

You weren't unreasonably, you didn't know.

But you know now so wouldn't it be just as quick to pop mum a message, apologising for your message hurting her and wishing her baby well as it is to post it here?

One of my children had SEN and it's easy to feel hurt by seemingly innocent comments.

Can I ask though, what's the point of this WhatsApp group? Are you getting anything from it? It sounds like none of you are actually really friends given you don't know personal info about them. And talking about babies walking in wellies is a bit boring. I'd just leave it tbh.

BigMandysBookClub · 05/02/2023 20:03

My son is behind on lots of things. Doesn't talk and is nearly four and most likely autistic (if I ever get a fucking assessment to confirm it that is). I wouldn't be offended if your four year old was reading poetry or speaking three languages fluently. I'd be happy you weren't going through what I was going through.

Just say you didn't know and you won't mention it again. Definitely DON'T apologise. You haven't said anything wrong.

Better still, just speak to people in the group separately as you will never say anything right in this lady's eyes from now on.

Swiftswatch · 05/02/2023 20:06

Honestly the fact that someone privately told you that you may have come across as insensitive and your first response is to immediately flounce and leave the group altogether is so immature!
I’m not going to comment on whether you were insensitive in the first place or not because we don’t know how anything was said or what the other person has shared but your reaction was so ridiculous.

MrsMiddleMother · 05/02/2023 20:09

Yanbu op she's super sensitive and honestly it's ridiculous.

Calphurnia88 · 05/02/2023 20:10

She's being ridiculous IMO.

IME most mothers have at least one thing that they're worried about, whether it's feeding, sleeping, cognitive development, physical development. If that meant we weren't ever allowed to bring up these topics for fear of offending someone then most of these mum groups would be pretty quiet.

Tekkentime · 05/02/2023 20:11

Did it not occur to any of the women in the group that maybe you hadn't purposefully tried to upset that woman? Did they not think that you'd feel bad also if they had a go at you over it?
So shortsighted of them.

Johnnysgirl · 05/02/2023 20:13

Swiftswatch · 05/02/2023 20:06

Honestly the fact that someone privately told you that you may have come across as insensitive and your first response is to immediately flounce and leave the group altogether is so immature!
I’m not going to comment on whether you were insensitive in the first place or not because we don’t know how anything was said or what the other person has shared but your reaction was so ridiculous.

I disagree.
It was a frankly ridiculous accusation to make. Mentioning a child walking and falling over in wellies is not insensitive on any level, even if it turned the other child would never be able to walk at all.
His Mum will still have to endure people walking all around him.
Sorry if that sounds insensitive, but it's just harsh reality.
I wouldn't have given it headspace either.

Eleganz · 05/02/2023 20:19

I wouldn't worry OP, just a sign that it is time to move on from that group. You got nothing of any help and just drama from your entirely innocent enquiry.

AegonT · 05/02/2023 20:19

I was the mum in our WhatsApp group with 17 month old not even cruising; seeing a physio who thought she would need to refer us to the paediatricians. I was concerned and impatient that DD couldn't walk but I didn't get upset that the others could! I think the others felt bad for me but they didn't pretend their babies couldn't walk! You've done nothing wrong but the other mum is clearly feeling down about the referral. Maybe you could message her separately to see how she is?

Indecisivebynature · 05/02/2023 20:35

Most mums find their NCT group fizzles out altogether over time. If you’re really lucky and you’ve become proper friends rather than mum friends you may end up staying in contact with one or two.

I wouldn’t worry.

MyEasterEggs · 05/02/2023 20:59

Was popping by to suggest exiting the group chat but you’ve made the
leap already 🙌🏻

Sceptre86 · 05/02/2023 21:12

I think you did the right thing by leaving the group. These kind of groups are meant to be supportive places and if it isn't then it's best to leave. My eldest didn't walk till she was 18 months, has a gross motor delay and will always be that bit behind her peers in terms of it. What are other parents meant to do? Never mention that theirs has won a school race or is doing great at ballet just because my child won't? I celebrate my kids wins and there is a lot she is great at and support her where she needs it. My ds walked at 10 months and my youngest at 13 months. She's going to have to develop a thicker skin.

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/02/2023 21:16

This is absolutely ridiculous. Don't you dare apologise! I've never heard anything so silly. Parent of a disabled child here.

Hanna86 · 05/02/2023 21:18

17 months?!? That's not even that late. I was deeply stressed about my sons late walking but he didn't even take any steps til 19 or 20 months

Intransigentcat · 05/02/2023 21:25

Cuppasoupmonster · 05/02/2023 17:50

Don’t you apologise, that’s ridiculously over sensitive.

Yep. You didn't know, what you said wasn't malicious in any way.

The Mum's lack of resilience is to both her own detriment and that of her child. Life can be hard and she needs to toughen up. Her situation may indeed be difficult but not everyone's life revolves around her or her particular set of circumstances no matter how challenging she finds them. It is extremely entitled to expect everyone to centre themselves around one's own existence.

Reminds me of the thread about the Pringles.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 05/02/2023 21:26

Christ.

Yanbu.

My son is speech delayed but other kids speaking, or not speaking properly, or saying cute fumbled up toddlerese speak and being brought up in discussion never once made me feel entitled to silence any of the other mums I know.

Developmental delays whilst concerning, and sad at times, with a lot of worry about the future, do not mean others cannot talk about their own struggles just cos someone else has it worse.

Numbertwenty · 05/02/2023 21:27

Missing the point completely but…
‘Totes’ wellies
The only wellies worth buying

ShakespearesBlister · 05/02/2023 21:30

How can you be insensitive about something you didn't even know about? It sounds like the group is clicky and this is more an excuse to gang up on one who isn't fitting in. Off how the others are all informed but not telling you things they are clearly discussing.