Page 8 | Been caught at it by the kids

EmpressOfTheSofa · 2023-02-04T16:11:19+00:00

How the ever loving fuck do I live this down? Middle child, 19, has just let herself not only into the house but into our room with three friends in tow. We were in bed. It’s a very very rare Saturday that I’m not at work and the youngest is out. So obviously we made the most of it. We heard her key in the door (she was at work until midnight as far as we knew), scrambled, but then she flung our bedroom door open to find us in a state of trying to throw clothes on. Two lads and another girl right behind her on the landing. She was looking for my straighteners to borrow. She thought we were out. I’m fucking furious as well as embarrassed. But what the fuck. How do I deal with this? Is it our fault for not always expecting her home? Hers for having zero boundaries? who is at fault here? And how should I approach this?

YukoandHiro · 04/02/2023 19:14

Just seen your update OP.
Yes you shouldn't have lied, but this bit really shocked me.
"Before she left I asked wtf and she said I was gross and embarrassing. I KNOW I’m not at fault here but Jesus she made me feel I was."

I would have come down like a ton of bricks for that. You need to calmly but severely state that she is an adult so she is more than old enough to understand that adults in relationships have sex and deserve privacy and there's absolutely nothing embarrassing about that. This is your home and she has no business being in your room, and if she ignores your continual requests she's going to find herself in a situation that makes her feel uncomfortable.

If any of these rules about privacy bother her she is perfectly old enough to find somewhere else to move.

DestinysGrandchild · 04/02/2023 19:15

Take her whole bedroom door off and see how she likes no privacy.

In all fairness, she was in the wrong for just walking in but I bet she's just as embarrassed as you are.

I wouldn't put up with her taking things from me though. Borrowing straighteners, yeah okay. Wearing your mums knickers? What the fuck is that about

ancientgran · 04/02/2023 19:15

EmpressOfTheSofa · 04/02/2023 18:13

I have tried everything over the years. Bollockings, groundings, taking stuff away; even buying her the same things so she has her own. She is a magpie and I’ve never been able to make her have respect for other peoples space. If you have an answer I’d love to hear it.

Her room is her own. And I’ve kept that as a hard line because I can’t see how I can set my own boundaries if I’m invading hers. But that’s just led to her being precious about her own and not about anyone else’s. Her brothers’ stuff is also apparently fair game. She would lose her shit if someone took her stuff or went in her room.

DH has just said that he thinks we are at fault. The kids should have free rein to come and go. Fuckeroo.

Show quote history

I'd get a screwdriver and take her door off. Tell her when she respects other people privacy she can have her own.

I could understand her bursting in the door to tell you some momentous news but constantly coming in to pinch your stuff and bringing an audience with her is just too much.

ancientgran · 04/02/2023 19:16

DestinysGrandchild · 04/02/2023 19:15

Take her whole bedroom door off and see how she likes no privacy.

In all fairness, she was in the wrong for just walking in but I bet she's just as embarrassed as you are.

I wouldn't put up with her taking things from me though. Borrowing straighteners, yeah okay. Wearing your mums knickers? What the fuck is that about

I like your (our) style.

YukoandHiro · 04/02/2023 19:17

Tbh I don't think there will be any need for the screwdriver trick now.

You might be embarrassed op, but this could be the end of your magpie issues

mathanxiety · 04/02/2023 19:18

Your husband is a spineless fool. How much yelling and enforcing has he done all these years in order to make her understand her behaviour isn't acceptable?

Has it all just washed over him because it's not his stuff she's taking?

Is there a dynamic at play here where she walks all over you and her brother because she thinks she's daddy's favorite? Taking your bras and undies has certain overtones that make me wonder how she sees herself in the family dynamic.

He needs to start laying down the law here.

If this isn't the problem - if he's backed you and her brother up to no avail for all these years, then you're dealing with narcissism, and the only way to live peacefully with a narcissistic family member is to show them the door.

YukoandHiro · 04/02/2023 19:19

Well yes @Patineur but also generally you're probably not going to be banging if your teens are in the house. Also helps to acknowledge how truly awful this will be for DD. Friends will have a fucking field day with it. It's actually hilarious second hand knowledge. Even I'm sniggering.

mathanxiety · 04/02/2023 19:20

And making you feel you're at fault is gaslighting, I'm sorry to say.

Aphrathestorm · 04/02/2023 19:22

She's 19. She knows you bump uglies.

YukoandHiro · 04/02/2023 19:23

@mathanxiety what? She's 19. She's immature and a bit of a twat. This isn't a calculated response, it's a very childish reaction to extreme embarrassment and ick and an inability to admit her own mistakes (which frankly a lot of us are like at 19).
Yes she needs yo bloody well grow up, but down throw around the word "gaslighting"

hoojit · 04/02/2023 19:23

Id start going into her room, and let her know exactly how it feels to have your space violated

This doesn't work. All that does is give the person in question more ammunition ("Well you went into my room without asking, so you clearly think it's ok").

Agree with prepping them to move out, though. It's the only solution.

BTW, my DD takes my knickers. It's because she cba to look for her own, whereas mine are in a drawer so are easy to find. Nothing more sinister than that, but it's still annoying.

Patineur · 04/02/2023 19:25

YukoandHiro · 04/02/2023 19:19

Well yes @Patineur but also generally you're probably not going to be banging if your teens are in the house. Also helps to acknowledge how truly awful this will be for DD. Friends will have a fucking field day with it. It's actually hilarious second hand knowledge. Even I'm sniggering.

Not sure how this relates to any post of mine? This may be news to you, but parents of teenagers don't give up shagging for the duration of their children's teen years, and it's just not practicable to restrict it to times when they're all out of the house.

I don't think this has to be "truly awful" for any teenager. Her friends will also know that grown-ups shag. If anything, they'll probably point out to her that that's what happens when you burst in on your parents' bedroom without knocking.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 04/02/2023 19:25

I mean it's your house you can do whatever you want

She is bang out of order coming into your room anyway taking your stuff and if her friends have a field day over it so be it - that'll teach her a lesson

It's one thing her coming in your room but What on earth is she doing bringing loads of people upstairs in your house??? I'd be more annoyed at that to be honest.

She needs to learn some respect ✊

Bonbon21 · 04/02/2023 19:25

There is NO way I would be putting a lock on my bedroom door. Common courtesy demands that you knock and wait if you think the room is occupied. And you would not enter another persons room in their absence without very good reason... taking their possessions without express permission is not good reason....
I would be changing front and back door locks without issuing keys to anyone demonstrating this level of disrespect to me, my property and my home.... regardless of their age...

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/02/2023 19:27

Cocobutt · 04/02/2023 18:48

your dad and I were shagging as you were out

I assume you don’t have kids as one would be so vile to their child.

@Cocobutt

how is that vile??!

its just stating the truth

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/02/2023 19:28

YukoandHiro · 04/02/2023 19:19

Well yes @Patineur but also generally you're probably not going to be banging if your teens are in the house. Also helps to acknowledge how truly awful this will be for DD. Friends will have a fucking field day with it. It's actually hilarious second hand knowledge. Even I'm sniggering.

@YukoandHiro

Why are you sniggering? Are you 12?

SchoolTripDrama · 04/02/2023 19:28

Keepyourmummysboys · 04/02/2023 16:38

Wtf is all the give her a bollocking stuff. She’s 19 and thought they were out.

She took her friends into her parent's bedroom!!! How bloody dare she?!

YukoandHiro · 04/02/2023 19:29

@Patineur of course they all know it - but I fear you have seem to have forgotten how immature sixth formers/late teens are and the kind of things they latch on to. Yes the friends probably do think the parents are legends. As a result, everyone in college knows what happened by Monday morning

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 04/02/2023 19:31

If she's so sensitive about the thoughts of her parents' sex life then maybe she should stop barging into their bedroom - just a thought. She thinks you're gross and disgusting and yet uses your underwear. Your husband is being a complete wet lettuce about this and it will do her no favours in the long run. How come she should have free reign over everyone else's space and property and yet guard her own privacy, and with her friends in tow ffs - why has this inequality not been forcefully pointed out to her?

This might end up being a good thing in the end. You need to get your DH on side first and when she comes back in set out your stall - you do not come into my room for anything, even if I am not there, you do not help yourself to my stuff or your brother's stuff or I might help myself to some of yours. In fact I would consider getting a lock on the door or on the wardrobe or cupboards. Honestly, I couldn't live like this - what would she be like in a house share? As I said, this is not doing her any favours.

I can't get over the fact that she has acted in this really selfish and entitled way and SHE is annoyed with YOU.

YukoandHiro · 04/02/2023 19:31

@LuckySantangelo35 I'm laughing because it's an awkward situation... of course OP has done nothing wrong and shouldn't be embarrassed. But the teen is getting an almighty dose of cringe and frankly sounds like she deserves it. It may be the end off their "borrowing" issues

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/02/2023 19:31

“DH has just said that he thinks we are at fault. The kids should have free rein to come and go. Fuckeroo”

hows that gonna work then? You’re just never gonna have sex until they move out in case one of them comes home unannounced and can’t be arsed to knock on your door? right.

hope you both enjoy celibacy!

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/02/2023 19:32

YukoandHiro · 04/02/2023 19:31

@LuckySantangelo35 I'm laughing because it's an awkward situation... of course OP has done nothing wrong and shouldn't be embarrassed. But the teen is getting an almighty dose of cringe and frankly sounds like she deserves it. It may be the end off their "borrowing" issues

@YukoandHiro

totally agree! Hopefully she’ll think twice before barging into her mothers space now

SchoolTripDrama · 04/02/2023 19:32

@EmpressOfTheSofa She wears your underwear? That's more than boundary issues. Does she have ASD? (I have a child with ASD before I get grief for suggesting it)

Either way, time for a 2 way lock on the door and an ultimatum! She needs to grow the hell up

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/02/2023 19:34

How SELFISH is she if she thinks it’s ok to take her mums stuff and her brothers stuff and yet kick off if anyone touches her things?!

I think she needs to move away to uni or into a shared house - she’ll soon learn that’s not how life works!

SchoolTripDrama · 04/02/2023 19:35

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune Outsiders?!?! Wtf? I agree they shouldn't have been anywhere near OP's room but to refer to her DD's friends as 'outsiders' or in fact anyone as 'outsiders' is quite disturbing...