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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to pull out of house purchase because it's "too stressful"

335 replies

LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 16:11

We are 8 months into a house sale and purchase, and are literally days away from exchange and due to complete a week today. For a few weeks DH has been grumbling about how stressful it is, how he doesn't think it would be worth it, and doesn't actually care if we move anymore, but he's never actually said "let's pull out". I reassured him it will all be fine and not to stress about anything. Things have still progressed and we got a call today to say we couldn't exchange today as planned but will hopefully be Monday or Tuesday next week now, still with a view to complete on Friday. DH has now come out and said he doesn't actually want to move, it's too stressful with the uncertainty of if it is actually going to go ahead, the packing and actual moving will be stressful, and we won't be able to do anything we want to do to it straight away as we're sinking all out money into it, so that will be stressful too.

Now, unfortunately, when DH gets even the tiniest bit stressed, he shuts down/withdraws/loses interest and there's no coming back from it. And now I don't know what to do, as it seems either way one of us will be unhappy.

We have 3 kids, and are moving about half an hour away. It will be closer to my parents though that is not the reason for the move. We are in a 3 bed semi, on a busy road, with noisy inconsiderate neighbours, no driveway for our 2 cars, and a small garden. The new house in detached on a quiet cul-de-sac, with a large driveway, large garden. It's still a 3 bed, but it has the scope to extend, which our current house also doesn't have.

He's worried about money, I know that, but our outgoings will stay the same. I am looking to change jobs to a better paid one, but will need to put 2 kids in nursery to do so, so my wage probably won't change from what it is now. He earns well, but it's quiet at the moment, and his current work place is an hour away from the new house, and it will add 2 hours onto his already long night shifts. He's applied for over 30 jobs closer to the new house and not heard anything back so he's getting stressed about that too.

He's also refusing to pack so I've had to make a start on my own, with 2 under 2. I can do bits in the evening but I still won't get it all done by myself.

Does anyone have any advice? AIBU to still want to move? How do I convince DH it's going to be short term stress for long term happiness? His brain doesn't seem to work like mine and he's not very rational/logical, especially when he's in one of his funks.

OP posts:
Nucsd · 03/02/2023 16:16

Does he really want to stay put? Or does he just want to leave all of the work to you under the guise of being too stressed?

picklemewalnuts · 03/02/2023 16:20

Tell him you can't, it's too late.

Tell him that this is what you both decided way back when and nothing has changed.

Remind him he gets a bit panic stricken in these kinds of stressful situation, so needs to rely on the decisions made things were calmer.

Don't let his stress infest you!

Ilikewinter · 03/02/2023 16:20

8 months oh wow!!
On paper the house sounds great, especially the fact its detached and away from noisy neighbours.
But - the 2 hour commute would be crap, I presume DH thought he would easily find a job closer to the new house by the time you moved?.
I think you need to steam ahead and hope he comes round!

Original poster
LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 16:23

Nucsd · 03/02/2023 16:16

Does he really want to stay put? Or does he just want to leave all of the work to you under the guise of being too stressed?

No no, he's not really like that, I assure you! He said we should stay put for 6-12 months to save some more and then relook at moving then. He says this, but he already gets pissed off with the neighbours banging about and gobbing off in the street, and the other neighbours parking like knobs, so I know in reality he will regret not moving. It's just getting him to see that he's not thinking rationally.

OP posts:
IslandLife88 · 03/02/2023 16:23

Oh wow. 2 hours added commute time every day sounds horrendous but presumably he has had time to process that. I sympathise as I found our house purchase incredibly stressful. But equally I didn't have the luxury to be burrying my head in the sand and have someone do all my packing for me!

You proceed. Let him sulk.

Cancersurvivor · 03/02/2023 16:26

If you pull out at this late date, will you not be liable to cost from the buyer.

bumbledeedum · 03/02/2023 16:27

As PP have said, tell him it's a bit late to pull out anyway. Can you afford packers/movers to just crack on around him?

plumduck · 03/02/2023 16:28

The extra commute sounds horrible but he's had loads of time. It's too late now. He needs to grow up, he's got a family.

Original poster
LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 16:28

Ilikewinter · 03/02/2023 16:20

8 months oh wow!!
On paper the house sounds great, especially the fact its detached and away from noisy neighbours.
But - the 2 hour commute would be crap, I presume DH thought he would easily find a job closer to the new house by the time you moved?.
I think you need to steam ahead and hope he comes round!

Yes I know, 8 months!! Our first purchase fell through at the last minute, due to the vendors not us!
Being detached was one of the main reasons we wanted to move.

I understand the commute is not ideal. He did think he'd walk into another job, and he still could, they're usually immediate start and he has no notice period at his current job. They are in demand but the rates of pay have dipped due to it being so quiet and he doesn't want to get less than what he earns now due to his worries about money, which I do get. He could be a bit more proactive and ring them rather than applying online.

I'm hoping he will come round, I just don't want him to resent me for "making" him move, or something going tits up and him being all " I told you so" about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 16:29

Cancersurvivor · 03/02/2023 16:26

If you pull out at this late date, will you not be liable to cost from the buyer.

No as we haven't exchanged yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 16:30

bumbledeedum · 03/02/2023 16:27

As PP have said, tell him it's a bit late to pull out anyway. Can you afford packers/movers to just crack on around him?

We've got movers, but we need to pack ourselves.

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 03/02/2023 16:31

I would talk to him this evening - house sales are going to be tricky over the next 6-12 months so if you lose your current buyer, you can’t be certain you’ll get another easily in the summer. Does he want to stay in this house long term? Does he think he could find a better house than the one you are buying? If the answer to both those is “no”, then he needs to get on with packing as the move is happening.

BellaJuno · 03/02/2023 16:32

Does he want a few more days of stress til you exchange or months of it again if you try to move in a year or so? It’s very normal to have a last minute wobble before exchanging.

CrapBucket · 03/02/2023 16:33

What a nightmare- definitely best to plough on but how tiresome. Hopefully the neighbours will kick off soon and remind your H why he wants to leave... (especially if you put notes through their doors saying the other neighbours hate them or something 🤔)

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 03/02/2023 16:35

Look him in the eye and say "Life is stressful pal. Now put on your big boy pants and start packing. We've worked 8 months for this and were not giving up now".

Maybe have some rousing music playing in the background.

Slimjimtobe · 03/02/2023 16:35

Just keep things as they are and don’t feed into his anxiety (that said - the commute sounds awful )

strawberry2017 · 03/02/2023 16:35

To pull out now would be ridiculous, these are not decisions to wait to the last minute to make, can you imagine how much money would be lost for all people involved. How many people would be heartbroken.
I would keep going, get packed up and just leave him to it x

Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2023 16:38

I'd be telling him to get a fucking grip, get off his arse and start packing. He's being ridiculous.

tootyflooty · 03/02/2023 16:40

If the sale had progressed at a more reasonable pace you would have already moved, you are at the final hurdle, (assuming everything goes to plan). Sounds like the stress of the whole process has caught up with him. If you defer for another 6 mths /year, you will have to go through this all again. I think you need to sit down together and chat about all the reasons you mentioned as to why the move is a good thing. I have a work friend going though a similar drawn out sale/purchase, and see the stress and worry she is under on a daily basis.

If he could be reassured, that hopefully you are on the home stretch, and in a few weeks all this will be over, and you can settle in your new home at your leisure, and make long terms plans to make your new home perfect, even if it takes time to fund it all.

I work for a chartered surveyors and speak daily to buyers and sellers so the stress, worry and doubt is real, they say moving is as stressful as berevement and divorce and I can well belive that.
Good luck

Sazzling · 03/02/2023 16:46

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Original poster
LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 16:46

I've tried to reason with him, about how unfair it is in the entire chain that will collapse, in the money we will lose, how much better the house is etc but unfortunately it's very hard to change his mind once he gets like this. He does tend to overreact to some pretty minor inconveniences so I'm usually used to it, but I really didn't think he would do this about this, something so huge.

OP posts:
ValerieDoonican · 03/02/2023 16:51

If you can get a better paid job, can he reduce his days rather than pay nursery, fiscally perhaps roughly neutral, but less travelling for him?

(I don't quite unerstand how adding 2 half-hour extra journeys (if the house is 1/2 hour away from where you are) adds 2 full hours to his day, but maybe its a public transport issue?)

Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2023 16:52

Stop trying to reason with him and read him the fucking riot act. How dare he be so selfish and stupid. He's fucking about with a lot of people's lives right now.

Cocobutt · 03/02/2023 16:55

I can see why he’s be stressed tbh.
Moving is stressful enough but 8 months!

I’d tell him that you understand his feelings as you feel the exact same way but that’s the reason why you refuse to give up.
If you both give up now then you have wasted 8 months for nothing.

Ask him to suck it up for another couple of weeks as once you move into a detached property it’ll all be worth it.

It is not fair that you are both dealing with the stress of moving and he’s now making it even more stressful for you because of his attitude.

If he wants you to do the packing then he needs to do everything else in the house as you don’t have time to do everything.

Original poster
LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 16:56

I know the commute sounds horrible, but he does drive for his job so he said he would do it if he had to.

OP posts: