Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to pull out of house purchase because it's "too stressful"

335 replies

LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 16:11

We are 8 months into a house sale and purchase, and are literally days away from exchange and due to complete a week today. For a few weeks DH has been grumbling about how stressful it is, how he doesn't think it would be worth it, and doesn't actually care if we move anymore, but he's never actually said "let's pull out". I reassured him it will all be fine and not to stress about anything. Things have still progressed and we got a call today to say we couldn't exchange today as planned but will hopefully be Monday or Tuesday next week now, still with a view to complete on Friday. DH has now come out and said he doesn't actually want to move, it's too stressful with the uncertainty of if it is actually going to go ahead, the packing and actual moving will be stressful, and we won't be able to do anything we want to do to it straight away as we're sinking all out money into it, so that will be stressful too.

Now, unfortunately, when DH gets even the tiniest bit stressed, he shuts down/withdraws/loses interest and there's no coming back from it. And now I don't know what to do, as it seems either way one of us will be unhappy.

We have 3 kids, and are moving about half an hour away. It will be closer to my parents though that is not the reason for the move. We are in a 3 bed semi, on a busy road, with noisy inconsiderate neighbours, no driveway for our 2 cars, and a small garden. The new house in detached on a quiet cul-de-sac, with a large driveway, large garden. It's still a 3 bed, but it has the scope to extend, which our current house also doesn't have.

He's worried about money, I know that, but our outgoings will stay the same. I am looking to change jobs to a better paid one, but will need to put 2 kids in nursery to do so, so my wage probably won't change from what it is now. He earns well, but it's quiet at the moment, and his current work place is an hour away from the new house, and it will add 2 hours onto his already long night shifts. He's applied for over 30 jobs closer to the new house and not heard anything back so he's getting stressed about that too.

He's also refusing to pack so I've had to make a start on my own, with 2 under 2. I can do bits in the evening but I still won't get it all done by myself.

Does anyone have any advice? AIBU to still want to move? How do I convince DH it's going to be short term stress for long term happiness? His brain doesn't seem to work like mine and he's not very rational/logical, especially when he's in one of his funks.

OP posts:
LadyVictoriaSponge · 03/02/2023 17:15

RubyPip · 03/02/2023 17:08

That's really unkind. He's understandably stressed. Support might be better than judgement?

Show quote history

No he’s the one being unkind, unkind to his wife, his children and all the people in the chain, all this be kind crap, absolute nonsense, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Regularsizedrudy · 03/02/2023 17:15

Jesus, no way would I be sitting down and writing a list like he’s some kind of tyrannical simpleton. What a baby. Yuck.

MrsBlondie · 03/02/2023 17:18

I'm sorry but you cannot pull out at this late stage. To do so would be so so horrible of you.

Bluetrews25 · 03/02/2023 17:19

So why does he not get a lesser-paid job near to the new house? 2 hours worth of petrol every day is not cheap, is it? You said he has no notice period (I think) so he could always quickly move (see what I did there?) jobs again when the right one comes up.
Is this an unforgivable sin if he really does pull the plug, OP?

musingsinmidlife · 03/02/2023 17:21

I don't know how long his shifts are but adding 2 to 4 hours to a shift for a commute to come home after nights to 3 kids with two under two is brutal. Sleep deprivation and that long of a drive after a night shift is also a recipe for disaster.

This move doesn't seem like it was well thought out. He is definitely the loser in it and I get why he is getting cold feet. Personally I would take the irritation of noisy neighbours and bad parking over a 2-4 hour daily commute. You could easily still end up with noisy or difficult neighbours on a cul de sac. That commute is so much wasted time that could be spend sleeping, with family etc.

Roselilly36 · 03/02/2023 17:22

I get how stressful and disruptive the moving process is, we moved during lockdown, it was a very stressful time, but you are nearly there now, it is worth it in the end, you just need to hold your nerve, get packing, once you are in your new home, unpacked, the stress will soon be forgotten.

Living in a detached home, is the best thing, so that will be a huge improvement.

Just be aware, once you have exchanged you can’t pull out, without covering a lot of costs, so if you really want to pull out, DO NOT exchange.

carpool · 03/02/2023 17:24

Tell him a divorce will be a lot more stressful!

Ihadenough22 · 03/02/2023 17:24

He needs to grow up.

I tell him that he is not leaving you to pack up all the belongings in your current home and mind his kids on your own. I would also tell him that you both had enough of your current house and that why you decided to buy another house.
He needs to be told as well that if you pull out of this house sale it's going to cost you money and that he will end up causing problems for a lot of other people.

Ask him what will have changed in 6 months time if you pull out of this house sale?
Tell him the house your planning to buy won't be on the market and you do know what will be on the market at that stage. Meanwhile you and him are still going to be stuck in the house you don't like and which is not working for you as a family. Your still going to have to deal with the neighbours and parking as well.
The house your currently buying seems to offer you and your family more. It detached, has 3 bedrooms, a bigger garden and you could do an extension in time.

I know your husband will have a longer commute but your encouraging him to look for a job closer to the new house. I know you mentioned that your willing to either go back to or change jobs as well.

I know that buying a house and moving can be stressful. Ask him do you want to ring his mother or father (if they take your side) to tell him to grow up?

Phineyj · 03/02/2023 17:25

Have you actually asked if you can add the packing?

Movers are much better at that than amateurs! No sentimental attachment to the stuff.

BellaJuno · 03/02/2023 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Seriously? What a hideously misogynistic comment.

Mañanarama · 03/02/2023 17:28

Ring the agent/solicitor and tell them it has to be Monday as he wants to pull out and its on a knife edge.

Remind him that the horrible neighbours will be even harder to deal with in spring and summer, and you don’t want another year of it.

Give him the kids and get packing until he’s had enough of the kids and wants to help you.

Original poster
LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 17:31

LeapingCat · 03/02/2023 16:58

I’d just ignore him tbh. He’s had 8 months to say this and the problem isn’t that he doesn’t want to move it’s that he can’t handle stress. Just tell him it’s too late and you’re going ahead and that if he doesn’t help pack you’ll pay for packers

Yes you are absolutely right, it's not that he doesn't want to move, it's that he can't handle stress! He knows this for a fact himself but when he gets massively overwhelmed like this, he doesn't seem to think that it's stress.

OP posts:
JadeSeahorse · 03/02/2023 17:32

Remind him how stressful it is living where you do.🤬

Moving will be stressful for a few days, agreed, but then the realisation you are detached, no parking worries, no neighbour noise etc.etc. will be bliss. Stay where you are and the stress is ongoing with no end in sight.

The extra hour commute will seem like nothing after a few weeks, (Says she who did a 2-3 hour commute EACH WAY for 9 years.😃)

Neverhot · 03/02/2023 17:33

Will he not just go along with it at this point? Surely it's going to be more stressful for him to make all the arrangements to pull out now, or does he expect you to do this?

PlanningTowns · 03/02/2023 17:34

Setting aside everything, I’d phone the solicitor right now and tell them that if completion isn’t Monday you will pull out. I’d also tell them that you husband wants to back out already already and it needs to move otherwise the chain will collapse.

give it the weekend and start packing or ideally pay for the movers to pack (and pack your valuables).

the above takes away both stresses to a degree (the actual moving process anyhow). If you don’t complete by Wednesday pull out - make that the compromise with him. But it won’t make it any better/easier next time.

whilst it would piss me right off, you’re not beholden to the chain in England and it is your right to pull out up to exchange.

ittakes2 · 03/02/2023 17:37

you are adding 2hrs to his already long day I would not want to move anymore either. He might also have some money or relationship concerns I would dig deeper. But no if he doesn’t want to move unfort I think you need to can it.

PissedUpLightweightEmptyHeadedNooNoo · 03/02/2023 17:38

Will he be the one ringing round, explaining and doing the cancelling?

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/02/2023 17:40

I would be contacting the solicitor first thing Monday saying it needs to be now as you’ve had enough and your dh is getting cold feet. Then I would contact the removal company and book packers. They’re not that much more tbh and absolutely worth it.

GrasstrackGirl · 03/02/2023 17:40

Two hours each way commute sounds absolutely hellish but he's had eight months to do something.

NoGoodUsernamee · 03/02/2023 17:42

Tell him to grow up ffs. Life is stressful sometimes as ya know… an adult. & moving is house is in the top 5 but you get on with it. You say he’ll resent you if you move and say ‘I told you so’ but you could say the same if he makes you stay! Honestly op stop pandering to the sulking and tell him to get the fucking boxes out.

Kennykenkencat · 03/02/2023 17:43

I suspect this is a ploy to blame you if you do insist on moving and it doesn’t go right.

If you end up staying I would insist that this is it for life and you don’t want to hear about the neighbours pissing him off or any of the complaints he has about where you live.
When given the choice he is choosing where you are over a detached house in a quiet cul de sac so he can’t think it is that bad where you are

You can’t go through this again so he has a choice to make.

Saying he wants to try again in 6-12months is not something you want to go through again because there is no guarantees that the same issues won’t happen and after 8 months he pulls out again.

My house sale took 7 months and we weren’t even buying. The whole process is a joke and it is just getting longer and longer to go from someone agreeing to buy your house to actually moving.

I would also say whether you and the children do stay or end up going is not something you can guarantee long term if you don’t move as you don’t want to live on a busy main road with terrible neighbours. That is his choice not yours.

WildFlowerBees · 03/02/2023 17:44

Tell him you and the kids are moving house he's welcome to join you. You've come this far it won't be long before he's living in the new house with the peace and quiet. In the future his job may change to something closer and things will settle down. Suggest he deals with what's in front of him now not the maybes of the future.

My dh found selling and moving stressful but trusted me. I got packers which was money well spent. He loves where we live now and says he's happy I didn't let him put a stop to it.

Kennykenkencat · 03/02/2023 17:45

I suspect when you do move then he will find a job nearer to the new house.

Mum97540 · 03/02/2023 17:48

I'd feel dreadful letting down all the others in the chain like that. They could lose thousands with surveys, legal fees, removals deposits not to mention to he stress inflicted on them with having to cancel all their plans and start again. Does that not come into his thinking at all?

CleaningOutMyCloset · 03/02/2023 17:48

What would happen if you pushed it back on him. If he wants to pull out, then he has to do all the work surrounding this, make the phone calls, unpack etc?

Sounds like he's having a strop, which I do understand after being in a similar position myself, but by doing this it impacts you all. Not to mention the money that's wasted on solicitor fees and surveys etc