DH wants to pull out of house purchase because it's "too stressful"

[LightBuzzyear27]

We are 8 months into a house sale and purchase, and are literally days away from exchange and due to complete a week today. For a few weeks DH has been grumbling about how stressful it is, how he doesn't think it would be worth it, and doesn't actually care if we move anymore, but he's never actually said "let's pull out". I reassured him it will all be fine and not to stress about anything. Things have still progressed and we got a call today to say we couldn't exchange today as planned but will hopefully be Monday or Tuesday next week now, still with a view to complete on Friday. DH has now come out and said he doesn't actually want to move, it's too stressful with the uncertainty of if it is actually going to go ahead, the packing and actual moving will be stressful, and we won't be able to do anything we want to do to it straight away as we're sinking all out money into it, so that will be stressful too.

Now, unfortunately, when DH gets even the tiniest bit stressed, he shuts down/withdraws/loses interest and there's no coming back from it. And now I don't know what to do, as it seems either way one of us will be unhappy.

We have 3 kids, and are moving about half an hour away. It will be closer to my parents though that is not the reason for the move. We are in a 3 bed semi, on a busy road, with noisy inconsiderate neighbours, no driveway for our 2 cars, and a small garden. The new house in detached on a quiet cul-de-sac, with a large driveway, large garden. It's still a 3 bed, but it has the scope to extend, which our current house also doesn't have.

He's worried about money, I know that, but our outgoings will stay the same. I am looking to change jobs to a better paid one, but will need to put 2 kids in nursery to do so, so my wage probably won't change from what it is now. He earns well, but it's quiet at the moment, and his current work place is an hour away from the new house, and it will add 2 hours onto his already long night shifts. He's applied for over 30 jobs closer to the new house and not heard anything back so he's getting stressed about that too.

He's also refusing to pack so I've had to make a start on my own, with 2 under 2. I can do bits in the evening but I still won't get it all done by myself.

Does anyone have any advice? AIBU to still want to move? How do I convince DH it's going to be short term stress for long term happiness? His brain doesn't seem to work like mine and he's not very rational/logical, especially when he's in one of his funks.

That sounds like a tough situation for you op. Agree with @Mirabai on trying to find movers and packers, it makes such a difference. Failing that think you need to reassure him and try to take on as much as you can yourself. It is hard work but it sounds like you have so much to gain from this move. U

Have you got boxes? Can your removal company loan them? When you pack go for speed, try not to get sentimental about looking at all your stuff... you'll be unpacking it before you know it and will want to look a it all again. If you can, before it comes to packing take one room at a time and whiz through it decluttering and removing things you don't to take to the new house, it will make the packing so much faster. Enlist some friends and neighbours to help too?

We have boxes as a relative recently moved so they passed them on. We also did a big declutter when we listed our house for sale so that's one thing we don't have to worry about but we do have an old playhouse in the garden and a broken piece of furniture that need to go to the tip.

I packed most of the living room the other day and it didn't take too long but I had my DM watching the kids for me. I'm going to try and pack up some of the kids stuff and clothes etc over the weekend which hopefully won't take long.

I will consider looking for packers but it's if we can get someone at this short notice.

Failing that, we are supposed to be disassembling our bed and wardrobes but I will definitely pay the extra for then to do it so it's 1 thing less to do!

This is fucking ridiculous. I would have so little respect for my H (were I still married) if he behaved like this.

With this update, i would advise you take complete ownership of the situation. You will need help to mind the little ones or to do some packing; and you are going to have to push the boulder for everyone.

I find the mental health issues you raise quite worrying, and wonder if he has friends who could take him out to watch a match or play golf or something; you can’t ignore this risk and you will need support to move house AND look after him.

He is putting the entire responsibility onto you. If you go ahead and all goes well he will present himself as an equal partner. If it all goes wrong he will say it is all your fault and he never wanted to move.

I wouldn't engage too much with his reaction. I would just acknowledge his feelings and move on e.g. "yes moving is stressful and it's a pain in the arse exchange has been delayed. Let's see how it goes on Monday."

If he carries on venting, just let it wash over you. I did this with DH when we were moving. He had terrible inertia where the stress of moving was blinding him to the advantages. I realised very quickly that there was no point in trying to reason with him but just acknowledged that he was finding it hard and kept going. Once we'd exchanged it was easier because the decision was then made.

We moved from a flat to a house and garden. I'll give you 3 guesses who would have kept us in the flat because we didn't really need to move and now is the person who spends more time in the garden than anyone else!

I was going to ask if he might have ASD or similar. DH does and would be exactly like this. He usually manages to rationalise it once the stress dies down but when he’s stressed there is no reasoning with him really.
i would probably just take over all the admin (calls from solicitors etc) so that he has less to deal with to reduce his stress.

He sounds a bit like me, a procrastinator and avoider. Moving house is awful, my least favourite thing. I’d love to move to a modern house with heating and hot water at the flick of a switch, but only if someone did everything for me, and I mean everything.

You will need to do everything. I’m sorry, but you will. Good luck. xxx

I feel for you and given your DH's past MH issues, agree you can only take a two pronged approach of handling everything and also reassuring him.

I'd emphasise that not moving is going to be much more stressful. He'll have had all the past stresses, plus lost costs, letting so many people down and ultimately the risk of not finding another suitable property let alone finding a buyer for your own.

Given the current situation with poor neighbours and the busy road, I'd be rushing to a detached home with good parking and a decent garden in a quiet neighbourhood.

Once the move is over and it's his only focus, he could be more proactive about finding another job, everywhere seems to be crying out for driving staff.

Remind him that you might never get another mortgage if you don't go with the one you've got agreed now.

Remind him that it's also not fair to condemn everyone else in the chain to that fate.

Remind him that you've done 8 months of stress and there's only a couple of weeks left and it's done. If you drop out you'll only end up facing it all from scratch immediately.

And pay a packing service. Best money spent ever.

He must have something going for him, right? As I do wonder about some of the men women are with on here, they are either cock lodgers, babies who can’t cope with stress and throw tantrums, selfish, lazy, tight, sexist, scared, mummy’s boy, cheaters.

anyway, you agreed to get with him, you know what he’s like, dudes got issues, most women wouldn’t go there, you did. It is what it is. You can try to be his mummy and hold his hand to get him through this. That’s the only option. Do it yourself and baby him through it.

good luck op,

"Last time he got this stressed/overwhelmed he had a complete and utter mental breakdown and let's just say it ended up with massive life changing consequences."

You need to talk to him about this now. Say you're worried the same thing is happening. Get him to admit that he's not handling it well.

I couldn't be with someone who just 'shuts down' and 'withdraws' when huge life decisions that will affect the whole family are on the table. Whether it's intentionally controlling or not it's just not ok. Basically he's giving you no choice but to either back out or to go ahead without him being on board.

He has called to say that our solicitor called him about an hour ago saying the buyers wanted to exchange today (bit late in the day for that) but she told them no and it should definitely be Monday or Tuesday.

Ok, so he clearly didn't mean what he said about pulling out or presumably he would have said something. He was overwhelmed and overreacted. Not ideal, and worth a conversation about how it impacted you (once life has calmed down a bit) but hardly the crime of the century.

Probably not that constructive but in this situation I’d probably avoid my grumpy DH over the weekend and proceed as planned on Monday !

Probably not helpful but I’d be telling dh to get a grip and stop putting it all on me. Yes moving is stressful but I’d do this move for parking alone! I’d be going for tough love then stepping away and letting him process and hopefully decide to be a grown up.

I think you are being really selfish about this, clearly he doesn't want to move at moment, forcing him Into it, not fair. A 2 hour commute would you do it, I wonder if it was a woman not wanting move most the MNet community would be accusing the bloke of being selfish dick.

It's taken 8 months, he can't possibly believe that he will be ready to sell again in only 6 months. Certainly on most wages you couldn't save significantly over what you will lose in fees, surveys etc. Can you take over everything now, or is there anything that still needs his signature? If you don't move now I very much doubt you will at all. So it becomes you stay, or if it is a deal breaker, sell and have to move again anyway

The ADHD will be a huge issue here. He’s trying to fix his stress and overwhelm by cancelling the thing that’s causing it. His mind won’t be looking at the practicality of it nor the long-term problems and stresses it will cause to have to go through that whole thing again.

Tell him it’s not an option and hopefully get him to agree with you that there’s no way out but through - if he can see it like that he will be able to hold on a few more days.

Organise everything you can and let him pull back a bit. The feeling of panic when your system is telling you to run away can be really hard to deal with.

Also I would argue it’s not that he doesn’t want to move, rather he doesn’t want to feel the stress anymore. The solution isn’t to throw out a house exchange at the very last minute! He needs to keep himself under control until the pressure is off, which it will be in just a few days.

I would be going up the wall. Whenever you move it’s like this. I moved 3 times in the last 15 years, one sale took 8 months, one four, and one five months, so whilst it seems ages it’s not unheard of for things to take 8 months. You’ll be worse off in six months if mortgage rates go up. You are literally right at the end of the process, don’t pull out now, the new house sounds far better and with spring just round the corner, it’ll be lovely to be in somewhere bigger and better. If you wait, you could have an even tricker sale.

After moving house last year which took just over 10 months, i feel his pain. Omg it was ridiculous.

I'm surprised you haven't started packing yet.

I'd be stressing the fuck out too after 8 months and looking forward to 4 hours extra commuting.

I’m autistic and have ADHD. He sounds a bit like me. I want to do the thing but I get overwhelmed :( I always enjoy myself once the awful bit is over e.g. getting to the airport for a flight but the 3/4 days beforehand I’m so stressed