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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to pull out of house purchase because it's "too stressful"

335 replies

LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 16:11

We are 8 months into a house sale and purchase, and are literally days away from exchange and due to complete a week today. For a few weeks DH has been grumbling about how stressful it is, how he doesn't think it would be worth it, and doesn't actually care if we move anymore, but he's never actually said "let's pull out". I reassured him it will all be fine and not to stress about anything. Things have still progressed and we got a call today to say we couldn't exchange today as planned but will hopefully be Monday or Tuesday next week now, still with a view to complete on Friday. DH has now come out and said he doesn't actually want to move, it's too stressful with the uncertainty of if it is actually going to go ahead, the packing and actual moving will be stressful, and we won't be able to do anything we want to do to it straight away as we're sinking all out money into it, so that will be stressful too.

Now, unfortunately, when DH gets even the tiniest bit stressed, he shuts down/withdraws/loses interest and there's no coming back from it. And now I don't know what to do, as it seems either way one of us will be unhappy.

We have 3 kids, and are moving about half an hour away. It will be closer to my parents though that is not the reason for the move. We are in a 3 bed semi, on a busy road, with noisy inconsiderate neighbours, no driveway for our 2 cars, and a small garden. The new house in detached on a quiet cul-de-sac, with a large driveway, large garden. It's still a 3 bed, but it has the scope to extend, which our current house also doesn't have.

He's worried about money, I know that, but our outgoings will stay the same. I am looking to change jobs to a better paid one, but will need to put 2 kids in nursery to do so, so my wage probably won't change from what it is now. He earns well, but it's quiet at the moment, and his current work place is an hour away from the new house, and it will add 2 hours onto his already long night shifts. He's applied for over 30 jobs closer to the new house and not heard anything back so he's getting stressed about that too.

He's also refusing to pack so I've had to make a start on my own, with 2 under 2. I can do bits in the evening but I still won't get it all done by myself.

Does anyone have any advice? AIBU to still want to move? How do I convince DH it's going to be short term stress for long term happiness? His brain doesn't seem to work like mine and he's not very rational/logical, especially when he's in one of his funks.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 03/02/2023 19:56

LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 16:30

We've got movers, but we need to pack ourselves.

Show quote history

Rope in whoever you can. Even random Mumsnetters???!!

Patineur · 03/02/2023 19:59

LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 16:23

No no, he's not really like that, I assure you! He said we should stay put for 6-12 months to save some more and then relook at moving then. He says this, but he already gets pissed off with the neighbours banging about and gobbing off in the street, and the other neighbours parking like knobs, so I know in reality he will regret not moving. It's just getting him to see that he's not thinking rationally.

Show quote history

What happens when you remind him of the problems with the neighbours?

DH has now come out and said he doesn't actually want to move, it's too stressful with the uncertainty of if it is actually going to go ahead

Have you pointed out that the easiest way to remove that particular stress is to exchange contracts? There won't be any uncertainty then.

saraclara · 03/02/2023 19:59

Remind him that the stress of dropping out and letting everyone down will be enormous too. Since you'd be choosing not to complete (rather than the sake and purchase collapsing on you) your solicitor would want paying in full.

It's a dreadful thing to do to people who are ready to exchange today, and that in itself would be horribly stressful for him (I'd hope)

Lapland123 · 03/02/2023 20:02

Sorry it’s probably besides the point of the main question- whether you should go ahead with the move

Bur worth checking with the movers, they might pack everything for much less than you expect. We did one move when I packed everything, I probably spent 3 months packing. The next move, the movers packed it all, in less than a day! It was about £300 on top of the actual moving cost. Given how many hours I spent on packing the previous house, that was fantastic and made all the difference.

worth checking?

mtc2206 · 03/02/2023 20:03

Tell him that the pollution of living on a busy road is not good for your children’s lungs, so he needs to get a handle on it for the sake of your children! Also, tell him that he’s trying to use avoidance as a tactic to manage his anxiety, but it’s only kicking the can down the street. House move stress is short term, the stress of being on a busy road in a house that you’ve outgrown will last until you move house.

justasking111 · 03/02/2023 20:03

My OH did the dying swan thing re stress. I dealt with the solicitors, estate agents, removal van, we'd sold but not found a house to buy so were going into rented. I organised rental property, lock up unit, our lovely estate agent a month later found the perfect house. We went for a look at the end of the visit I said we'll take it. So back to estate agents, solicitor, removal vans, I organised everything. At every step OH said too stressful don't want to move. I ploughed on. Lost a stone in weight while the chicken licken I was married to kept wailing "the sky is falling in"

It was time to move we had massive house acres of land in a remote hamlet OH retired so after cutting field buggered off all day leaving me to talk to the wall.

Fast forward OH health crashed rotor cuff, prostate, hernia, we'd have been fooked in the country.

He still talks about buying a house and fields in the country, silly bugger.

@LightBuzzyear27 the moral of this tale is you're on your own love, your man will do the chicken dance it's best to ignore

Dreamqueen · 03/02/2023 20:04

We moved 300 miles away in the summer. I got the removal company to pack for me. It only cost about anonther £300. it was worth every penny.

tara66 · 03/02/2023 20:08

OP I hope you have control of the finances regarding this move and can sign alone if required. You can tell him the new house will then be owned by you if he does not co operate with the sale and it is too late to back out now. He will look ridiculous regardless of his mental health, which should have been considered a lot earlier; also the new longer distance for work.

Bumble84 · 03/02/2023 20:12

I get like this sometimes when I am stressed. I’m also pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD. I know logically throwing it all away isn’t right but it’s like my brain is protecting itself or something. My advice for dealing with your DH would be not to focus on how other people will be affected because quite frankly he probably doesn’t give a crap about anyone else right now. Wait for a quiet moment and talk about the reasons why you started looking and deciding to move. Ask him if there’s anything you can take over I.E maybe you deal with the phone calls whilst he does a bit of packing or he takes the kids out to soft play so you can crack on. Best of luck OP

WombatChocolate · 03/02/2023 20:12

If this is just cold feet and fright at the commitment and worry about the move itself rather than actually not wanting this house, you just need to keep him calm and keep calm yourself.

If you don’t move, you’ll have to go through it all again and in likelihood he will feel the same at this stage again.

The key thing to ascertain is whether when he says he doesn’t want to move, if that’s really what he means about THIS house. Ask him and yourself the Q - if you were actually in the new house now, would he be regretting it and wishing he was back in the old one. It seems unlikely.

If he genuinely hates the new house, then you do need to pull out. This seems unlikely.

Messyhair321 · 03/02/2023 20:15

I can see why he's stressed. This is a mistake I made before lockdown. We sold our house & it was all near completion & I became really panicked & just couldn't cope with the idea of moving or leaving.
Yet I'm in a situation where it was madness to stay but I did & now I'm trying to sell again. I bitterly regret not selling before & biting the bullet last time - just going through with it.

Tell your ds it'll be ok & that it won't be easier in a few months - he'll still hit the wall & needs to drive on through or you'll remain stuck in a house you don't want to be in for all the reasons you've pointed out

RNLD1981 · 03/02/2023 20:17

tara66 · 03/02/2023 20:08

OP I hope you have control of the finances regarding this move and can sign alone if required. You can tell him the new house will then be owned by you if he does not co operate with the sale and it is too late to back out now. He will look ridiculous regardless of his mental health, which should have been considered a lot earlier; also the new longer distance for work.

Assuming that's even possible, it's abuse to force somebody to take on a mortgage without their consent

Liz1tummypain · 03/02/2023 20:25

Tough one. I think he's regretting the whole idea. Perhaps he knows he's going to be knackered with that commute. If its going to lead to you all seeing less of him each day then maybe it;s best to back off . If he can get a job offer for a job with shorter hours that's over in that direction then start the house hunting again later. You will feel crap if you move and it doesn't work out. Sorry Op.

Blossomtoes · 03/02/2023 20:35

zombie0037 · 03/02/2023 19:20

I think you are being really selfish about this, clearly he doesn't want to move at moment, forcing him Into it, not fair. A 2 hour commute would you do it, I wonder if it was a woman not wanting move most the MNet community would be accusing the bloke of being selfish dick.

My reaction would be exactly the same. You don’t fuck an entire chain over after eight months. Let that sink in - he’s had eight months to change his mind and he does it a week before moving day. I’m not married to the kind of fuckwit who’d pull a stunt like this bit if I was I’d probably kill him.

mumsys · 03/02/2023 20:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Patineur · 03/02/2023 20:39

zombie0037 · 03/02/2023 19:20

I think you are being really selfish about this, clearly he doesn't want to move at moment, forcing him Into it, not fair. A 2 hour commute would you do it, I wonder if it was a woman not wanting move most the MNet community would be accusing the bloke of being selfish dick.

It seems to be an hour each way. Yes, I would do it and have done it. It doesn't sound like he would be doing it for long as he could get an alternative job that's nearer to home relatively easily.

Original poster
LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 20:43

We have already signed everything that needs signing so no worries there.

I have just spoken to him again and he has calmed down a little bit now, and was talking about things we need to do over the weekend regarding packing so that's a positive sign and although he is still very very anxious and pessimistic about the whole situation, it seems we are going ahead. That's as long as he doesn't change his mind over the weekend.

I think what hasn't helped is, that our buyers have his mobile number, and whenever there is some sort of development they are straight on the phone to him. The past couple of weeks there have been a few issues and so there has been a big increase in phonecalls and texts wanting updates etc. So when we didn't exchange today, he was expecting them to be on the phone to him, which so far hasn't happened thankfully. But I just think that on top of everything has caused his anxiety to sky rocket.

I also think for the past few weeks because of various issues that have arisen, he has convinced himself that it wasn't actually going to happen, and now it's suddenly upon us, he's freaked out.

It's definitely not the house itself, whilst there are nicer and bigger houses out there, we both got "the feeling" when we viewed it.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 03/02/2023 20:45

I feel sorry for your husband. He has been telling you he is stressed for weeks and it doesn’t sound like you have sat down to talk to him as soon as the issue arose. Furthermore, he has a history of mental health problems, he works nights / long hours, you want to add to his commute and you have three young children. If you were doing the commute and earning the majority of the family income it would be a different matter, but signing someone else up for something you wouldn’t do yourself seems unfair.

MysteryBelle · 03/02/2023 20:47

his current work place is an hour away from the new house, and it will add 2 hours onto his already long night shifts

That is hard to get past. I would not move an hour away from work and add two hours to commute. No way. He thought he could easily get a job close by but that hasn’t happened so he’s stressed and will be stuck with a huge commute knowing your own prospects are not going to improve as you’ve told us.

So he’s feeling the stress, the burden is on him, not you. Of course you feel fine about it. I don’t blame him. Now, the reasons you give for moving are very valid. He needs a job close in, that is the solution. But you say his field is quiet right now. You’ve already gotten nearly to the end of getting the new house…tough one.

I guess my advice is, if the new house is your dream house, then do it and your dh do everything he can to find a job quickly close by. If the house is not your dream house then pull out if you can and try to better coordinate any new job for him with location and buying timeline of a new house.

justasking111 · 03/02/2023 20:52

@LightBuzzyear27 doesn't need packers. I was 60 with a bad back. We were downsizing so I had to lose so much too. I went on eBay, FB market place, the conservatory was filled with boxes for the hospice charity, furniture, boxes of books, China, silver, glassware, clothes, . I carried that physical and mental load alone, while OH anguished over his shed contents.

Women are more pragmatic over what has to be done. We might cry in the shower where no-one can hear us. But we get it done.

lborgia · 03/02/2023 21:01

I'm sorry to play mn bingo, but most people, when faced with a very stressful situation will react with fight, flight, or fawn.

Your DH is clearly a full On rabbit in the headlights "fawn" - I know it sounds as if I'm just talking about woodland animals - but especially if they're ND.

In this particular situation I think you need to power on, hire an extra pair of hands for a couple of days, and get it done.

Then, talk to dh about his shut-down coping mechanism. Say he must feel utterly miserable, given how badly it makes you feel on the receiving end.

Original poster
LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 21:16

zombie0037 · 03/02/2023 19:20

I think you are being really selfish about this, clearly he doesn't want to move at moment, forcing him Into it, not fair. A 2 hour commute would you do it, I wonder if it was a woman not wanting move most the MNet community would be accusing the bloke of being selfish dick.

I haven't forced him into anything at all. He was the initial driving force in wanting the move, he booked the valuations, chose the estate agent, liaised with them for viewings and offers etc. He was all for it and excited up until a few weeks ago when some issues cropped up and he started getting stressed and then shut down. It's not that he doesn't want to actually move. He just doesn't want to deal with the stress.

Plenty of people commute an hour or more each way, and whilst yes like I have repeatedly said it's not ideal, he would obviously continue to look for a job closer to home so it is not going to be a long term situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
LightBuzzyear27 · 03/02/2023 21:23

LadyLapsang · 03/02/2023 20:45

I feel sorry for your husband. He has been telling you he is stressed for weeks and it doesn’t sound like you have sat down to talk to him as soon as the issue arose. Furthermore, he has a history of mental health problems, he works nights / long hours, you want to add to his commute and you have three young children. If you were doing the commute and earning the majority of the family income it would be a different matter, but signing someone else up for something you wouldn’t do yourself seems unfair.

I have spoken to him about it, numerous times. Unfortunately, he's not easy to talk down and just simply reassure that all will be ok. His brain doesn't work the same way mine does and the only thing he knows is to shut down.

He's known that we are moving and that this is what would happen if he didn't find a new job, for 8 MONTHS. It's not completely new information that he's suddenly just found out.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 03/02/2023 21:24

I don’t think is any varying initials of A-D - I think it’s just panic. He sounds like he’s getting a grip on it.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 03/02/2023 22:19

I would speak to your estate agent, give the buyers your number and say he is unavailable for the next few days. Ramping up his anxiety levels sound like it could have some painful consequences.
Would he take the children out for a bit and let you do some packing over the weekend if it's only 30 mins away could you find the time to do a drive by, maybe visit the local park on Sunday am with the kids. It should all remind you both of the aim here.

The commute is a bit shit if he does long shift patterns but it will focus his mind on local opportunities and a local address may help too in applications.

And be patient. It's stressful at the best of times. If it helps him to feel structured and organised. Sit down and make a list of stuff to do in chunks this week.