DH wants to pull out of house purchase because it's "too stressful"

[LightBuzzyear27]

We are 8 months into a house sale and purchase, and are literally days away from exchange and due to complete a week today. For a few weeks DH has been grumbling about how stressful it is, how he doesn't think it would be worth it, and doesn't actually care if we move anymore, but he's never actually said "let's pull out". I reassured him it will all be fine and not to stress about anything. Things have still progressed and we got a call today to say we couldn't exchange today as planned but will hopefully be Monday or Tuesday next week now, still with a view to complete on Friday. DH has now come out and said he doesn't actually want to move, it's too stressful with the uncertainty of if it is actually going to go ahead, the packing and actual moving will be stressful, and we won't be able to do anything we want to do to it straight away as we're sinking all out money into it, so that will be stressful too.

Now, unfortunately, when DH gets even the tiniest bit stressed, he shuts down/withdraws/loses interest and there's no coming back from it. And now I don't know what to do, as it seems either way one of us will be unhappy.

We have 3 kids, and are moving about half an hour away. It will be closer to my parents though that is not the reason for the move. We are in a 3 bed semi, on a busy road, with noisy inconsiderate neighbours, no driveway for our 2 cars, and a small garden. The new house in detached on a quiet cul-de-sac, with a large driveway, large garden. It's still a 3 bed, but it has the scope to extend, which our current house also doesn't have.

He's worried about money, I know that, but our outgoings will stay the same. I am looking to change jobs to a better paid one, but will need to put 2 kids in nursery to do so, so my wage probably won't change from what it is now. He earns well, but it's quiet at the moment, and his current work place is an hour away from the new house, and it will add 2 hours onto his already long night shifts. He's applied for over 30 jobs closer to the new house and not heard anything back so he's getting stressed about that too.

He's also refusing to pack so I've had to make a start on my own, with 2 under 2. I can do bits in the evening but I still won't get it all done by myself.

Does anyone have any advice? AIBU to still want to move? How do I convince DH it's going to be short term stress for long term happiness? His brain doesn't seem to work like mine and he's not very rational/logical, especially when he's in one of his funks.

I’d just ignore him tbh. He’s had 8 months to say this and the problem isn’t that he doesn’t want to move it’s that he can’t handle stress. Just tell him it’s too late and you’re going ahead and that if he doesn’t help pack you’ll pay for packers

Just say: of courdse it's stressful. But we'r enot doing it because it's stressful. We're doing it because XYZ. The stress will be over soon but the benefits will last. Now go and pack the stuff from the loft you miserable wuss

2 hours that's 4 hours a day. No way I'd move.

Oh sorry I misread. The current commute already adds 1/2 hour each way to the night shift. So not quite so dramatic as I at first read.

Just tell him it is too late and if he wants to be married and live with his kids full time he is going to have to get behind you and deal with one intensely stressful week to get it done.

If he won't do the packing, or look after the kids so you can, then you'll have to pay the movers to pack as well - so all his stress is doing is costing you.

As someone whose buyers pulled out at the point of exchange and who lost their forever home, their mortgage offer and tens of thousands of pounds as a result, creating a crater in my life it will now take me years to climb out of, I literally couldn't stay with someone who would countenance doing this just because it's a bit stressful.

He doesn't know what kind of knife edge the rest of the people in your chain are on, but not many people can afford to walk away at this late stage without being very adversely impacted.

What a douchbag he is.

Sorry OP but I agree with some of the PP here, he needs to grow the fuck up. I would be telling to put his big girl pants on and go start packing. All he’s doing is making it more stressful for you which is so unfair, you’ve got enough on. Honestly, tell him to get his shit together and do not even entertain the conversation about pulling out at this stage. What a total fanny.

DH.... is that you?

We are in the exact same position as you OP, literally exactly the same exchange and completion timeline and I too had a stop this morning and said it was too stressful, didn't want to move anymore and UNPACKED the only two boxes that we had already packed. We also have a baby and toddler. The only differences here are that I'm a SAHP and DH WFH and that our outgoings will increase as we are going from a tiny 2 bed terrace to a detached. I am aware that I'm being unreasonable and have not yet gone back to DH with my tail between my legs to apologise and admit that I do, in fact, want to move . I hope that your DH can be as humble as I'm going to have to be come 5pm.

He has no choice.

Tell him. No persuading, just tell him.

Point out you'll never go through this with him again, so you'll both be stuck where you are till you split up. Basically.

We'd be worse off financially if he reduced his hours as he gets paid well.

His job is 30-40 minutes east from where we live at the moment, and we are moving 30-40 minutes north. It apparently takes anywhere between 1hr10mins and 1hr40mins from our new house to his current work.

@LightBuzzyear27

I was your husband 2 years ago.

Our house sale was stressful and we got almost to exchange and EVERY atom of me was desperate to withdraw.

My husband reassured me we had to go through with it, and were 99% of the way there, and pulling out would only mean we would HAVE to go through it all again.

I didn't agree at the time but everyone around me said the same - so we did move. Thank god!! It really was the stress I wanted gone, not the house sale.

Keep going. Just keep going. He will be fine!

Erm this is very belittling to women.

OP this is a bit of a tangent but I recommend booking a packing service if you possibly can stretch to it. IME if you are paying movers already it doesn’t cost that much extra to get them to pack. Takes a huge amount of stress away and also may mean your contents insurance will cover any breakages in the move (which it won’t if you pack yourself).
Definitely tell DH you are booking packers if he doesn’t get with the program!

I wouldn't be reasoning with him. I'd be telling him it's too late, he'll have to suck it up and plan something nice for when it's over.

To add- we're now moving again and I still feel the same! But I know it's worth it.

Not that the move 2 years ago was wrong, but it's part of a bigger plan. This will be the final move, HURRAH!!!

Agree, what an absolute arse, he’s had months to pull out, don’t pander to him, don’t try and reason with him, tell him it’s happening, get a grip and get packing.

STROP not stop!

For the purpose of getting this sale and the house move done maybe simply try putting it to him like this:

“We haven’t come this far to only come this far”.

There’s just something about this phrase that inspires me makes me tingle!! 😉

That's really unkind. He's understandably stressed. Support might be better than judgement?

What about sitting down and separately writing down the short and long term pros and cons of moving and not moving.
Then it’s clearer and you can both see each others though processes. 2 hours is a very long commute.
Better to lose money now - solicitors fees - that move and it is a mistake

You have my sympathies OP the only thing worse than having 8 months of stress trying to buy a house is doing at all over again.

Can you make him see that the alternative (pulling out) would be MUCH more stressful.

We’re about a month into the buying/selling process and I’m already pulling my hair out but the idea of doing it all over again sounds like a bloody nightmare.

Also mortgage companies have really tightened their belts in terms of what they’re willing to lend in the last few months. The difference in what we can borrow between august and now is over 100k, no change in our circumstances just change in the mortgage products available so if you pull out now don’t assume that you’ll be any better off in a few months time. You might end up with much less buying power.

Good luck with the apology! It will all be worth it in the end...deep breaths and all that!

Unfortunately, my DH is as far from humble as they come 🤣 haha

This. Is he always such a brat?

This is a good idea, I might see if he will give this a go, thank you for the suggestion!

Yes he is

I think it’s this. It’s so much easier to say let’s not do it than organise and get on with packing.
Take charge if the move is the best thing long term. Ignore him — it’s Friday, start packing over the weekend , exchange Mon/Tue and then ignore any more of his moaning. Give him jobs to do and off load anything you can — final clean etc.. I’ve moved house 7 times in the last 17 years , find its best to just crack on ( just looking for house number 8 atm)

What makes you think he won't bottle it next time?

If he was going to have a wobble, doing it months ago would have been the time. .

Otherwise you are going to be stuck there forever because you'll never get him to go through the process all over again.

I'd just say, in that case, we are divorcing and we need to sell the house so you can move out...