DH wants to pull out of house purchase because it's "too stressful"

[LightBuzzyear27]

We are 8 months into a house sale and purchase, and are literally days away from exchange and due to complete a week today. For a few weeks DH has been grumbling about how stressful it is, how he doesn't think it would be worth it, and doesn't actually care if we move anymore, but he's never actually said "let's pull out". I reassured him it will all be fine and not to stress about anything. Things have still progressed and we got a call today to say we couldn't exchange today as planned but will hopefully be Monday or Tuesday next week now, still with a view to complete on Friday. DH has now come out and said he doesn't actually want to move, it's too stressful with the uncertainty of if it is actually going to go ahead, the packing and actual moving will be stressful, and we won't be able to do anything we want to do to it straight away as we're sinking all out money into it, so that will be stressful too.

Now, unfortunately, when DH gets even the tiniest bit stressed, he shuts down/withdraws/loses interest and there's no coming back from it. And now I don't know what to do, as it seems either way one of us will be unhappy.

We have 3 kids, and are moving about half an hour away. It will be closer to my parents though that is not the reason for the move. We are in a 3 bed semi, on a busy road, with noisy inconsiderate neighbours, no driveway for our 2 cars, and a small garden. The new house in detached on a quiet cul-de-sac, with a large driveway, large garden. It's still a 3 bed, but it has the scope to extend, which our current house also doesn't have.

He's worried about money, I know that, but our outgoings will stay the same. I am looking to change jobs to a better paid one, but will need to put 2 kids in nursery to do so, so my wage probably won't change from what it is now. He earns well, but it's quiet at the moment, and his current work place is an hour away from the new house, and it will add 2 hours onto his already long night shifts. He's applied for over 30 jobs closer to the new house and not heard anything back so he's getting stressed about that too.

He's also refusing to pack so I've had to make a start on my own, with 2 under 2. I can do bits in the evening but I still won't get it all done by myself.

Does anyone have any advice? AIBU to still want to move? How do I convince DH it's going to be short term stress for long term happiness? His brain doesn't seem to work like mine and he's not very rational/logical, especially when he's in one of his funks.

I shut down when I feel overwhelmed, not listened to or out of control. Obviously I have worked on this most of my adult life to try to recognise it coming and try to avoid it but it is there. My DH, if its something he is involved in, usually helps me see things step by step and a bit at a time. That old adage of climbing a mountain is easy if you take it step at a time is so true. He really helps me get out of spiralling down a "what if X and what if Y" mindset where I am thinking about what feels like a million things.

Remind him that house moves are very high on the list of most stressful life situations, and that you yourself are stressed but you need to work together to get through the worst of it. We moved at a similar time last year and it was very dark and cold, and everything felt overwhelming and too much work, and I kept getting that twitchy eye muscle thing. Packing was soul destroying at times and we were all feeling a bit cross and upset. BUT. I just kept reminding myself how when it came round to summer time I'd be really glad we'd moved when I would be able to sit in my new garden and enjoy the peace and quiet of the new house in the sunshine.

The winter and spring last year was hard, getting unpacked and sorted out at the new house, and decorating / doing urgent repairs etc but I was SO GLAD we had made the move and by summer I felt more normal. I really really appreciated the reasons why we'd moved and was so grateful we'd got though it.

Moving house is a big adjustment for all. He needs to play the long game and sit with this temporary discomfort and disruption, for the greater good.

How can he even think of doing that to your buyers? That is so so shitty! How would you feel if your sellers did that to you?

But you’ll still have to pay EA and solicitors fees. Expensive.

You've just been through 8 months of stress; if you delay and move later on, you'll have to go through all that stress again.

You might also be persona non grata with that estate agent for a future move, having pulled out so last minute. (And although it doesn't affect you, it's really horrible for the people you're buying from - and any others in the chain - if you pull out now.)

Is there a friend or family member (preferably his) who could talk him down? You're obviously very invested in the move, so he might be more rational with someone else.

The commute does sound fairly horrendous. Can you think of any ways to ease that? Do you have enough financial slack for him to reduce his number of days to reduce the commuting and give him more time for job-hunting? Or could he use up some holiday to do that? Can you help him with the job search?

My thoughts are , what about the people buying your place and the people selling you theirs and so on in the chain ? Doesn't hubbie realise these things? Is he really saying that he wishes he was single again? Suggest asking his parents or siblings to talk to him now as time is getting closer to moving date.

You would still need to pay legal fees to date even if you don’t exchange.
He’s being pathetic.

At this point in the purchase I would absolutely lose it if my husband tried this.
As an outsider, the only valid point he has is that he hasn't found a job closer but if that was a deal breaker then he shouldn't have agreed to move!
So what happens, you stay out until he gets a job and then he'll be doing a longer commute for another 8 months while you buy a house.

The rest was all known 8 months ago.

I would tell him it's happening, tough shit and plough on. Otherwise he'll still think it's too stressful in 6 months or a year and every time he moans about the neighbours you're going to want to hit him with a shovel.

I feel so stressed for you. You don't have 2 under 2, you have 3.

Tell him to grow the fuck up ffs

hand him a fresh tampon and tell him to get on with it

he needs to get a fucking grip

What a baby. Yuck

tell him to get his shit together

what a total fanny

tell him to put on his big girl pants

what an arse

is he always such a brat?

what a douchebag he is

He's being pathetic

Ask him do you want to ring his mother or father to tell him to grow up?

No wonder so many men refuse to admit to being stressed or anxious.

Have none of you ever overreacted when feeling under pressure or stressed? I have, I freely admit it. We went through a very stressful house move a few years ago. There were so many delays and problems. It felt like it was never ending. I'm sure I probably said "that's it! Fuck it. Let's call the whole thing off" at some point. Probably more than once. As a pp says, having a wobble before exchange is very common. Ok, it doesn't sound like OP's DH is handling this well but the way some posters are talking about him is completely OTT.

Also EA fees if they used one. Could get expensive.

Just to address a few points...

DH does not have any family that I could ask to talk to him.

The movers we are using are a very small company and they don't do packing.

Our buyers are landlords so aren't missing out on a family home to live in or anything, though yes financially it will impact them which is still unfair.

We will have to pay our estate agents which is about £1500, we have already paid about £1500 in searches and surveys for 2 properties as the first house purchase fell through. But our solicitors apparently don't charge if you don't complete, though I don't know if there are any conditions with that.

He will definitely be able to get another job, and like I say they are usually immediate start and no notice period so even if it's not straight away, the commute will not be long term.

He could do 4 days, he did used to do this but that meant 15+ hour shifts so his money wasn't impacted. Obviously the commute on top would be extremely long for him. He currently does 5 x 10-12 hour shifts and doesn't get paid breaks either.

He has called to say that our solicitor called him about an hour ago saying the buyers wanted to exchange today (bit late in the day for that) but she told them no and it should definitely be Monday or Tuesday. He didn't tell her we were pulling out though so I don't know whether to take that as a good thing or not.

1hr and 40 mins driving each way to work is a long drive ontop of a night shift. I could drive from Newcastle to Edinburgh and back in less time and that's 80 miles each way.

Big ask.

He's also refusing to pack so I've had to make a start on my own, with 2 under 2. I can do bits in the evening but I still won't get it all done by myself.

Reckon I'd put some extra strength valium in his tea. joking, not joking

I feel sorry for the poor bastards selling you their house if his jettisons the sale with his behaviour.

Agree. Sounds to me as though there’s a MH problem somewhere if he clams up and withdraws when he gets stressed, and if he gets stressed easily, everyday life problems are going to throw him off balance and make it harder for the op. Maybe reassure him and go ahead with the move and then try to get to the bottom of this because it needs resolving for both your sakes.

The new house is what you want and need. Shame he doesn't get that after 8 months. At least he didn't tell your solicitors today that you were pulling out so I'd take that as a good sign.

I didn't mention it but yes he does have untreated ADHD, and unfortunately this has been a problem for some time. Last time he got this stressed/overwhelmed he had a complete and utter mental breakdown and let's just say it ended up with massive life changing consequences.

I totally sympathise. Moving is horribly stressful, and our (final) move took nearly as long as yours. Keep your eyes on the prize and keep drawing his attention to it too... nice takeaway and champagne (or whatever floats your boat) in the new house this time next week, and no more of the shitty neighbours!

The fact is, there will never be a time it isn't stressful to move and when money isn't a worry when moving (unless you're very fortunate indeed) - I suggest pressing ahead and seeing if there's anyone who can help you with the move, and try to spare DH the stress given what you've said about last time he was overwhelmed. It's good he didn't say no to the exchange - hopefully having a vent about it will help him get it out of his system. Good luck with the move!

i had the house move from hell 2 years ago,ongoing house had tortoise slow solicitor ,man buying mine was trying to blackmail me to drop my price because it was too slow,i told him where to go back on the market sold again next day 20 grand more,oh i fiorgot year before lost my dad was selling his house, the buyer for his house signed then i signed then their buyer puller out that day back on market sold next day delayed by 1o weeks.i feel your painTELL HIM ITS TOO LATE WILL COST YOU AND ITS HAPPENING, HOPE YOU HAVE DECLUTTERED ALREADY THIS HELPS THE PACKING GOOD LUCK

Been there done it . Similar scenario though we were 6 months on the dot . It is stressful no doubt about it . I also had a partner that did naff all and was super negative.
I carried it all and just kept packing and being positive . We exchanged the afternoon before completion and moved on completion day . I’ve never experienced stress like it .

Hes thinking of everything that can go wrong not the things that can go right for you all . Keep ploughing on . Sweep him along with you! i do know how hard it is though but think of the greater good !

My advice is simply get a different removal company that packs and pack up around him. I don’t see the point of one that doesn’t pack - you’re much more likely to lose and break stuff. I don’t know what possessed you to think packing yourselves was a good idea.

Even if he has a break now when you start looking again it will be another 8 months of stress because that’s what moving is like. At least this is nearly over. He will super regret pulling out so near the finish line, losing all that money and have to start all over again.

You want to move. You want this house. You want to complete and move into your new home. What you want matters - this is about how you live your life, and you want this change and have sunk 8 months of money and stress into it. And except for the stress of housebuying, there is no argument against it. (The commute is temporary so not an issue against a home you want for the long haul.)

You need to explain to dh that he is threatening to blow up your dream, for no very good reason. It's not okay. I suspect, if he did it, he would be looking at a resentment in you that he could never overcome. He's not thinking of you, or what's best for his dc, only of himself.

This is not the time for a pro and con list. This is the time for him to understand how desperately you want to move. And to value that. And start acting like your life partner.

Longer term, he should see someone who is not you about his difficulties.

We had the easiest house move but I still got very stressed about it. For some reason, getting older I don't get excited about things I just get stressed! It is so frustrating. Thankfully my dh took the lead with the sale and it all went through fine.
I think the pps suggestion of writing a pro and cons list is a good one, so he can remember just why you are moving. Maybe remind him of some of the reasons.
Hopefully his long commute will be short lived and he'll find the new job which is closer.
I would take it as a good sign he didn't call it off today during the phone call. It sounds like he knows it's the right thing to do, it's just a bit of a trek to get there. Here's to your new home and a quieter life 🍾🥂