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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think mumsnet is no longer fit for purpose in the spirit it was meant to be.

253 replies

Tolstoysbackpack · 03/02/2023 15:49

I’m wondering if anyone feels the same as me. It’s called ‘Mumsnet’ which makes you believe it’s a supportive place and a place to go for advice or give advice. Some tough love. It’s great because it’s anonymous. I think you have to take the OP in good faith. But I think a lot of threads now are not. I think the balance has tipped from a minority of arseholes being nasty to a majority.

the starting point seems to be for a lot of people that reply to OP’s is to catch them
out, purposefully misunderstand, find some gotcha flaw in their OP to exploit as if they are interviewing a suspect, give unsolicited stupid legal or medical advice and believe their word is important and must be heard, compare their circumstances to the OP’s which I can only interpret as trying to show off that their situation is better, stupid examples, obsessed with money and leafy areas, if you don’t have family to help in an emergency why don’t you? You loser, if it were me I would….., I can’t believe you don’t drive, get a better job. Why don’t you go private? It’s people like you that have the NHS on their knees. What is your DH doing? Mine would race to me and pick me up in his beefy loving arms and if he didn’t I would LTB, I don’t think you are telling the full story here OP. I don’t understand your OP? (When any adult can kind of get the gist) and they asking questions just to cause a bit of drama.

some people really do ask for help and they get ripped to spreads. What is even more insulting that a lot of these people don’t bother to read the thread, they just are compelled to reply. They don’t even bother to look if their comment had been answered, it’s like the internet equivalent of perpetuating kicking someone while they are payed on the ground. And they don’t care. A lot of these people also claim to be incredibly affluent, educated and in important jobs.

I used to use this website a lot, I have found amusement and good advice. I thought it was a positive place. I don’t understand why people feel compelled to fuck it up. If you don’t have anything to say just move on. No one is asking you personally, and how arrogant to assume they are.

in a couple of hundred years when we are all dead and gone I wonder what historians will make of us. How they will interpret a website that was positive turned so cruel.

OP posts:
User17649787 · 03/02/2023 19:35

The doghouse board is particularly bad, I don't think I would want to ask about any advice on dogs here.

MrsMikeDrop · 03/02/2023 19:35

Neededanewuserhandle · 03/02/2023 19:20

(anonymous posting which allows people to say things they would never ever say in RL).
This crap again. Posting anonymously is excellent - people are free to express actual opinions, others are free to disagree - that's great.
I don't come on here for "RL" - what be the point if it was exactly the same as just talking to people in RL?

I agree with this, being anonymous makes me be able to be more honest with people (for the better). I'm still giving the opinion of what I really think, just not sugar coating it like I would with a stranger (I would also be that honest with a friend)

InspectorPaws · 03/02/2023 19:40

It’s odd. I actually recognise the username of someone on this thread as being a particularly nasty piece of work on some threads and is now complaining about other people not behaving appropriately… something about a pot and a kettle comes to mind 🙄

NowDoYouBelieveMe · 03/02/2023 19:45

MrsMikeDrop · 03/02/2023 19:35

I agree with this, being anonymous makes me be able to be more honest with people (for the better). I'm still giving the opinion of what I really think, just not sugar coating it like I would with a stranger (I would also be that honest with a friend)

Show quote history

Honesty is great but it can be done without personal attacks on individual posters, without character assassinations or calling them names or whatever batshit things many posters come out with.

MarshaBradyo · 03/02/2023 19:49

NowDoYouBelieveMe · 03/02/2023 19:30

I would be perfectly fine with it personally, although I don't agree with it in principle.

I do wonder about some posters though. They can be truly poisonous, unable to discuss anything without personal attacks on others. I'm sure their loved ones would be shocked in many cases... And in others, not so much.

Show quote history

Some do lash out. I dunno they are angry and I’m sure I’ve had a few personal attacks.

At some point you just file under whatever and avoid them.

NeelyOHara1 · 03/02/2023 19:51

I voted YABU but I do think there are too many and too specific options to post on when what people really want is a quick response. As AIBU probably has the quickest response rate you have to post with the mindset of skipping over the froth and looking for the pearls and genuine responses of which there are many.

NowDoYouBelieveMe · 03/02/2023 19:55

MarshaBradyo · 03/02/2023 19:49

Some do lash out. I dunno they are angry and I’m sure I’ve had a few personal attacks.

At some point you just file under whatever and avoid them.

Show quote history

Yeah I normally ignore but one today did trigger some PTSD, and unfortunately I'm quite sure they'd be happy to know that. Which of course is more reason to rise above it and ignore them!

MarshaBradyo · 03/02/2023 19:57

NowDoYouBelieveMe · 03/02/2023 19:55

Yeah I normally ignore but one today did trigger some PTSD, and unfortunately I'm quite sure they'd be happy to know that. Which of course is more reason to rise above it and ignore them!

Show quote history

I’m really sorry to hear that. I hope it can be a distant memory soon.

Some people are vicious. I’ve encountered one that I thought might have mh issues the extent to which they focussed on my posts around the boards.

I hope you’re ok and don’t worry about them for your sake, they are not worth it

WingingItSince1973 · 03/02/2023 20:00

It's not just Mumsnet. The internet as a whole attracts some very angry and nasty people. Just today was looking through the comments on a news page regarding the poor lady who has disappeared and people were getting aggressive with one another! For no reason than they can. Same here. I've had nasty replies to replies I've made on threads. I just assume these are either trolls or sad bullies that feel hidden behind a screen.

NowDoYouBelieveMe · 03/02/2023 20:01

MarshaBradyo · 03/02/2023 19:57

I’m really sorry to hear that. I hope it can be a distant memory soon.

Some people are vicious. I’ve encountered one that I thought might have mh issues the extent to which they focussed on my posts around the boards.

I hope you’re ok and don’t worry about them for your sake, they are not worth it

Show quote history

Thank you for your kind reply. Really appreciate it right now.

Sorry to hear you've been plagued by weirdos too.

Original poster
Tolstoysbackpack · 03/02/2023 20:03

I think an anonymous forum is a great thing. They internet orginally was supposed to be a great thing for human knowledge and enlightenment. We have this amazing ability to understand and post about things that concern us. And anyone can answer. And people choose to be awful. And that’s what they use it for. To be slag people off. People use use the internet for brilliant things. Important things. ‘Mumsnet’ to post on it is met now cunts. And no one would want anyone they knew to see what they write. Mumsnet is a valuable resource and anonymous posting os valuable too. It’s really simple don’t post post anything you you wouldn’t want your kids, or family, friends, work to see. I can guarantee if that happened they would be fucked.

OP posts:
Neededanewuserhandle · 03/02/2023 20:05

LapinR0se · 03/02/2023 19:28

I’m not saying it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I’m just saying that social media and chat forums as we know them today could be subject to stricter regulation

I regard that as vanishingly unlikely due to vast majority of the internet being run by US tech companies who do exactly what the fuck they want - regardless of any laws.

Neededanewuserhandle · 03/02/2023 20:06

It’s really simple don’t post post anything you you wouldn’t want your kids, or family, friends, work to see.
Well that would make it as bland and boring as fuckery.

Original poster
Tolstoysbackpack · 03/02/2023 20:08

Everyone is responsible, it’s really simple have a think before you reply, would you like your friends to see this? You are in effect publishing your thoughts.

my kids understand this.

im not sure how anyone else can argue with that, because they are essentially arguing themselves into less free speech rights.

OP posts:
Judgyjudgy · 03/02/2023 20:21

RoomOfRequirement · 03/02/2023 15:54

AIBU is so full of BS posters now. Trolls, fake stories, goody posts I understand why people start out the way they do now. I'd guess a good 30-50% of threads in my Watch list end up deleted.

The rest of the forum is usually helpful and 'nicer' .

I do wonder about this myself. I used to like coming here for a laugh, but now many posts end up annoying me or making me angry

IAmTheWalrus85 · 03/02/2023 20:22

AIBU’s been invaded by InCels, MRAs and traffic driven here from the Daily Mail website. They all enjoy giving women a good kicking.

The on-topic forums are generally still fine.

ilovesooty · 03/02/2023 20:26

ArcaneWireless · 03/02/2023 18:19

I think it can be a supportive site. There are some marvellous posters on here.

It really doesn’t take much for a pile on to happen though and I’m not quite sure what triggers it.

There are definitely a few folk on here who are out and out arseholes. There are a few folk on here who stray away from the usual robust topics and are snidey as fuck on a usually friendly and happy thread that has been bobbing along nicely for years.

Disagree with one of these little wasps and you get stung and for what?

I used to love having my big fat tuppence on the tv threads. Not so much now. Apparently my admittedly slightly skewed take on things is not appreciated. 😉

I've always enjoyed your posts on the Strictly threads.

amicissimma · 03/02/2023 20:28

What purpose in the spirit was Mumsnet meant to be? And by whom? Who gets to decide now?

There are nasty, angry and weird people in the world. Sometimes we encounter them online, where it's comparitively easy to roll your eyes and scroll on by. Sometimes we encounter them out in the wild where it can be quite a challenge to get past them. In fact, a little practice in not letting them get to me, and thanking my lucky stars that I don't feel like them, online, in the safety of my own surroundings, has helped me deal with them in real life.

But I do think it you're feeling emotionally frail (as most of us do from time to time) it's a good idea to avoid a website that has a reputation for being robust, or at least avoid the most robust boards. And if you do venture on, to be very cautious about clicking on any thread. There are gentler websites available. I prefer to have this one available in its current form when I feel like it, and use others when I'm not in the mood, rather than lose or alter this one because some people choose not to avoid it and then get upset.

I never understand the point of troll hunting. Surely the point of any thread is to either take it at face value and follow with interest or accept that it's probably fiction and enjoy the entertainment or go 'pshwar' and click away.

ilovesooty · 03/02/2023 20:39

WingingItSince1973 · 03/02/2023 20:00

It's not just Mumsnet. The internet as a whole attracts some very angry and nasty people. Just today was looking through the comments on a news page regarding the poor lady who has disappeared and people were getting aggressive with one another! For no reason than they can. Same here. I've had nasty replies to replies I've made on threads. I just assume these are either trolls or sad bullies that feel hidden behind a screen.

I've been posting on one of those threads this afternoon. When I challenged someone for unpleasant and unfounded speculation she called me a troll. She wouldn't get away with that here.

ArtixLynx · 03/02/2023 20:42

amicissimma · 03/02/2023 20:28

What purpose in the spirit was Mumsnet meant to be? And by whom? Who gets to decide now?

There are nasty, angry and weird people in the world. Sometimes we encounter them online, where it's comparitively easy to roll your eyes and scroll on by. Sometimes we encounter them out in the wild where it can be quite a challenge to get past them. In fact, a little practice in not letting them get to me, and thanking my lucky stars that I don't feel like them, online, in the safety of my own surroundings, has helped me deal with them in real life.

But I do think it you're feeling emotionally frail (as most of us do from time to time) it's a good idea to avoid a website that has a reputation for being robust, or at least avoid the most robust boards. And if you do venture on, to be very cautious about clicking on any thread. There are gentler websites available. I prefer to have this one available in its current form when I feel like it, and use others when I'm not in the mood, rather than lose or alter this one because some people choose not to avoid it and then get upset.

I never understand the point of troll hunting. Surely the point of any thread is to either take it at face value and follow with interest or accept that it's probably fiction and enjoy the entertainment or go 'pshwar' and click away.

The phrase was "PARD" back in the day. Polite And Reasonable Discourse.

Original poster
Tolstoysbackpack · 03/02/2023 21:10

I can understand that you have you have to be responsible for about what forums you post on.

mumsnet advertise’s itself as a friendly community. In reality it isn’t.

I don’t mean it should be policed or regulated or anything like that.

it’s just that I read some posts here, and they may be bollocks, they may be true, someyits clear the poster is young or is not as articulate as expected.

and I have I have seen them ridiculed and pulled apart . Sometimes it’s clear the pp is being horrid such as ‘I’m confused, what does baby dad mean op?’ It’s clear that person wants to cause hurt. They know know full well what it means. The outcome is that that someone can’t come here and just speak and ask for advice without going through the humiliation of of some mumsnet self appointed gatekeeper questioning them. For fun. It’s sensing the weakness. Its
bullying.

OP posts:
Neededanewuserhandle · 03/02/2023 21:18

@Tolstoysbackpack mumsnet advertise’s[sic] itself as a friendly community.

You keep making this claim - let's see the evidence.

Where are these adverts?

Original poster
Tolstoysbackpack · 03/02/2023 21:22

Basically I think an anonymous forum is a good thing. I’ve seen it changing into a crappy place to be. That’s fine but it should not be advertised as ‘mumsnet’

It’s just become a place where people can be nasty. But it’s anonymous so should be self regulating. Just treat people the the same as you would like to be treated. It’s that simple. We need to to take some some responsibility for ourselves and ownership. Just blathering crap on
the internet is rubbish

OP posts:
Original poster
Tolstoysbackpack · 03/02/2023 21:31

Neededanewuserhandle · 03/02/2023 21:18

@Tolstoysbackpack mumsnet advertise’s[sic] itself as a friendly community.

You keep making this claim - let's see the evidence.

Where are these adverts?

What is the purpose of Mumsnet?
Our aim is to:

Make parents' lives easier by pooling knowledge, advice and support. We try, as far as possible to let the conversation flow and not to over-moderate. Mumsnet is a site for grown-ups.

OP posts:
Neededanewuserhandle · 03/02/2023 21:32

OP, I don't agree with your claims about what Mumsnet (or the internet) is supposed to be for.
I was prepared to be corrected if you had any basis for claiming Mumsnet had been promoting the site as you claim - I don't know everything (!) but it seems you don't have any such proof at all and it's just an opinion you have (which of course is your absolute right).

These kind of "why isn't everyone nice" threads have been a regular feature on here since I joined more than ten years ago - I don't think the place is overall any better or worse than when I joined.

I really really don't understand the logic of trying to make MN or the Internet as a whole some kind of weird mirror of real life - as if that is even possible.

The truth is that, just as (most) people wouldn't push past me in a Post Office queue, but more of them are happy to do it in the safety of their car, people will behave differently in different situations.

I don't accept your view that MN isn't fit for purpose and I don't agree with your view of what you think the spirit of it was supposed to be.