I think mumsnet is no longer fit for purpose in the spirit it was meant to be.

[Tolstoysbackpack]

I’m wondering if anyone feels the same as me. It’s called ‘Mumsnet’ which makes you believe it’s a supportive place and a place to go for advice or give advice. Some tough love. It’s great because it’s anonymous. I think you have to take the OP in good faith. But I think a lot of threads now are not. I think the balance has tipped from a minority of arseholes being nasty to a majority.

the starting point seems to be for a lot of people that reply to OP’s is to catch them
out, purposefully misunderstand, find some gotcha flaw in their OP to exploit as if they are interviewing a suspect, give unsolicited stupid legal or medical advice and believe their word is important and must be heard, compare their circumstances to the OP’s which I can only interpret as trying to show off that their situation is better, stupid examples, obsessed with money and leafy areas, if you don’t have family to help in an emergency why don’t you? You loser, if it were me I would….., I can’t believe you don’t drive, get a better job. Why don’t you go private? It’s people like you that have the NHS on their knees. What is your DH doing? Mine would race to me and pick me up in his beefy loving arms and if he didn’t I would LTB, I don’t think you are telling the full story here OP. I don’t understand your OP? (When any adult can kind of get the gist) and they asking questions just to cause a bit of drama.

some people really do ask for help and they get ripped to spreads. What is even more insulting that a lot of these people don’t bother to read the thread, they just are compelled to reply. They don’t even bother to look if their comment had been answered, it’s like the internet equivalent of perpetuating kicking someone while they are payed on the ground. And they don’t care. A lot of these people also claim to be incredibly affluent, educated and in important jobs.

I used to use this website a lot, I have found amusement and good advice. I thought it was a positive place. I don’t understand why people feel compelled to fuck it up. If you don’t have anything to say just move on. No one is asking you personally, and how arrogant to assume they are.

in a couple of hundred years when we are all dead and gone I wonder what historians will make of us. How they will interpret a website that was positive turned so cruel.

Disagree - I have had some great advice from the non- AIBU threads. Many poster on AIBU are frankly a bit delusional which can result in what seem like, or are, very harsh replies. But I wold argue that you know what you're getting into when you start an AIBU thread. It's well known for being tough, but people use it to get attention and replies.

I agree that we should take the op in good faith.

I see this as first and foremost a support forum and I think when you are replying to a post your aim should be to provide support. Who cares if once in a while the op turns out to be a troll. I honestly don't think it's such a huge issue that we need to be suspicious of every inconsistency, drop feed or just choice of topic.

drip feed is my particular pet peeve. Well, the accusation of drip feeding. The op is usually not a well thought out, highly structured thesis but mostly a rambling of thoughts (mine definitely are). Sometimes it only becomes Clear what is relevant later. It doesn't mean the op is hiding information or trying to ingrate themselves when a thread is going against them.

Having said that I think this is mostly a problem with aibu. It's tempting to post on aibu because of the traffic it sees but you really need to put a hard hat on first and learn not to engage with the posters who just want to catch you put.

For instance, I have found the parenting board incredibly useful, supportive and kind. (If I need more traffic I sometimes post in chat.)

You’re right, it’s basically just a game.

I’d add Chat to AIBU. I posted there recently for suggestions in relation to a (fairly innocuous) group activity I was planning to do. It was something that a lot of people think is nonsense and should not be done. I pointed out that I had deliberately avoided AIBU as I did not want the usual pile on from people saying “why do the thing at all, it’s bullshit”, because, for various reasons, I was going to do it and was just looking for inspiration from the large number of people who might have done it and enjoyed in the past.

It made zero difference and I was castigated for “trying to control what people say”.

It got me thinking, what was there to be gained by those people who still felt a burning need to come on and say “Don’t do it, I hate it when people do it, I would never do it”?

Did they feel it was their moral and social duty to stop me doing the thing, in order to save the others from my lunacy? Did they think I would end up embarrassed and so they were trying to save me from that? Or was it simply that they were so full of their own importance that they absolutely HAD to say on an anonymous forum that they hated the idea? What a bloody waste of time, energy and space.

Imagine the equivalent on (eg) a wedding forum
“I love flowers. Help me choose between white and pink flowers!”
”Flowers are old fashioned and cheesy, I hate it when people have flowers at weddings, you should have bunting and paper chains only, my sister had flowers and I was soo disgusted”.

I think also that some topic-specific threads appear on Active and casual users who don’t realise that MN exists beyond AIBU either don’t notice or presume that it is the same etiquette across the whole site.

Ah, now I strongly disagree with the connection between the name Mumsnet and the supposed spirit/purpose of the site.

MN has evolved WAY beyond parenting discussions and I do not think that it should be seen as one where (a) non-parents are not welcome or (b) discussions about non-parenting topics are inappropriate.

There really is nowhere else online with such fast-moving and intelligent conversation. I do like that it’s overwhelmingly women too, but I could not in good consciousness object if more men started to participate.

Second, much as I hate the gratuitous nastiness, I also dislike the idea that Mum=sweetness and nice, or denotes someone who can’t have robust opinions.

I've noticed a recent tendency for the first few replies to be ultra nasty , followed by more reasoned ones.

I try to confine myself to one main ongoing thread on this thread
It's a place of amazing support, wise women and tolerance.

I posted something on AIBU a while back and many of the responses I received were just plain abusive. I got called everything you could think of - idiot, twat, dense, a cunt, then there was comments about my children (thread was nothing to do with them). It was horrific.

the only time I see threads like that are invariably those involve posters thinking the Op is neglecting her children are subjecting them to to planning to subject her children an appalling new live in boyfriend @GummyBearMummyBear

No it was nothing like that at all. I was just looking for advice on something (not child related at all). As I say I did admit to something I had done wrong, and wanted advice about an outcome of it. It really was nothing terrible either, nothing criminal, no cheating etc. But many, many responses were just focusing on what I said id done wrong, and what kind of person it apparently made me (and my kids).

I don't think any of the abusive comments were needed at all, I don't think it really matters what someone posts on here (within reason) that sort of response is just nuts. I must admit I couldn't shrug them off for a while, it really had an unexpected affect on me as I am not easily offended IRL!!

I have found there to be of supportive people elsewhere on this site however.

It really was nothing terrible either, nothing criminal, no cheating etc. But many, many responses were just focusing on what I said id done wrong

TBF you are hardly the most objective person as what you describe as “nothing terrible”, clearly others viewed it rather differently

But many, many responses were just focusing on what I said id done wrong

which is entirely their prerogative. It does indeed sound that you were trying to police the thread

The only thing underpinning this whingefest of an OP seems to be the misogynistic assumption that the name "mumsnet" implies that all users will be gentle, maternal nurturers with no kick-ass and no sense of humour

MN has never been like that, thank fuck.

There are other sites you could try.

I disagree. My view was that the wrongdoing was nothing particularly terrible correct, I held my hand up, said I'd apologised etc, then asked for advice on an outcome of it.

I am completely fine with people saying I disagree with you, you were wrong etc, all of that I can take on the chin. But abusive and personal comments are never ok, that's the main point I was trying to make.

I've seen many similar things recently on other AIBU threads. It's not always just the OP not liking the response. It can affect people horribly.

I've been on here since the late 60s. We used to have to post punch cards to MNHQ and wait a month to get the first reply. There's still an active thread in Dadsnet from that era.
It was different because with fewer people you could get to know them, and if people knew you you have a reputation to uphold so people were more careful about what they said. The quieter bits of the site are still kind of the same. You could just stay off AIBU, Chat and The Royal Family forums if you want to avoid the biggest twats.

I disagree. My view was that the wrongdoing was nothing particularly terrible correct, I held my hand up, said I'd apologised etc, then asked for advice on an outcome of it.

well obviously you disagree

but clearly many posters thought that you’ve ever you were saying you did was not something they felt they could just gloss over as potentially had wider meaning and implication

I see loads of threads where the OP is pissed off that posters aren’t focussing on what she wants to focus on.

But it’s usually because what they don’t want on to focus is actually pretty bloody serious and relevant

@Whatislove82 my point is that whether they thought this or not, it just doesn't justify abusive comments. Because of the affect it can have on people.

I accept that frank/harsh/even brutal comments can sometimes make people stop and think about your actions, but abusive comments rarely have the same affect IME.

But again! On this thread we don’t know what you admitted to. I know you say it “wasn’t terrible” but clearly to many other posters… it was.

and without knowing what you admitted to, difficult to say whether their reaction was ott

You won’t but it would be very interesting if you actually posted the thread you’re talking about

@Whatislove82 But why, is this so you can decide whether the abuse I received was fair? So that the people calling me a cunt, idiot, mentally unwell, etc etc were right in doing so? My point is exactly that, I don't believe it is ever justified.

I have witnessed first hand too many times now this sort of online/ virtual bullying/abuse (sometimes from known, sometimes unknown people) having profound effects on people, and in my view it's never ok.

oh there’s definitely been threads I have seen where a poster calling the OP a cnt has been entirely warranted (I am thinking of some of the ones involving children and new partners and totally fuled up priorities).

So who knows what gem your thread contained to compel posters to do similarly

fucked up priorities

It contained nothing of the sort. I think your behaviour is interesting however, assuming that because I received abusive comments, I clearly did something to warrant that.

Again… hardly the most objective person on something you admitted to but pissed off so many posters were appalled by it! 😂

It's not just AIBU, there's a fair few who use Mumsnet as an outlet to vent anger - the keyboard warrior types. I feel sorry for them actually, their lives must be pretty empty and/or difficult to feel the need to do that.