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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think mumsnet is no longer fit for purpose in the spirit it was meant to be.

253 replies

Tolstoysbackpack · 03/02/2023 15:49

I’m wondering if anyone feels the same as me. It’s called ‘Mumsnet’ which makes you believe it’s a supportive place and a place to go for advice or give advice. Some tough love. It’s great because it’s anonymous. I think you have to take the OP in good faith. But I think a lot of threads now are not. I think the balance has tipped from a minority of arseholes being nasty to a majority.

the starting point seems to be for a lot of people that reply to OP’s is to catch them
out, purposefully misunderstand, find some gotcha flaw in their OP to exploit as if they are interviewing a suspect, give unsolicited stupid legal or medical advice and believe their word is important and must be heard, compare their circumstances to the OP’s which I can only interpret as trying to show off that their situation is better, stupid examples, obsessed with money and leafy areas, if you don’t have family to help in an emergency why don’t you? You loser, if it were me I would….., I can’t believe you don’t drive, get a better job. Why don’t you go private? It’s people like you that have the NHS on their knees. What is your DH doing? Mine would race to me and pick me up in his beefy loving arms and if he didn’t I would LTB, I don’t think you are telling the full story here OP. I don’t understand your OP? (When any adult can kind of get the gist) and they asking questions just to cause a bit of drama.

some people really do ask for help and they get ripped to spreads. What is even more insulting that a lot of these people don’t bother to read the thread, they just are compelled to reply. They don’t even bother to look if their comment had been answered, it’s like the internet equivalent of perpetuating kicking someone while they are payed on the ground. And they don’t care. A lot of these people also claim to be incredibly affluent, educated and in important jobs.

I used to use this website a lot, I have found amusement and good advice. I thought it was a positive place. I don’t understand why people feel compelled to fuck it up. If you don’t have anything to say just move on. No one is asking you personally, and how arrogant to assume they are.

in a couple of hundred years when we are all dead and gone I wonder what historians will make of us. How they will interpret a website that was positive turned so cruel.

OP posts:
NowDoYouBelieveMe · 03/02/2023 19:04

BIWI · 03/02/2023 18:48

I find that very hard to believe Shock

Yes me too. I thought esp considering they expressed sympathy that they would delete it but no

Original poster
Tolstoysbackpack · 03/02/2023 19:05

AuntieStella · 03/02/2023 18:57

I like that comparison.

There are many other chat sites to go to if MN isn't your kind of thing

Show quote history

Do you own mumsnet? Anyone should be able to come here and post. However ridiculous it is they don’t deserve shite from people many of whom haven’t even bothered to read the op and the comments. No body deserves that. Nobody would get far in their life acting like that. But you know that don’t you?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/02/2023 19:05

Who decides what it's 'supposed to be like' though? We're meant to stick to the basic 'be decent to people' guidelines, and beyond that, which powers that be decide what MN is? Do you think it should stay the same as it was years ago? Why? It's just a bunch of people talking. Things change.

AuntieStella · 03/02/2023 19:06

Tolstoysbackpack · 03/02/2023 19:00

Ok, yes I understand that. I understand what you mean. It’s just that it feels like a pub that is a locals pub and if you don’t say or do the right thing you aren’t welcome or have to stand in a corner because there’s one rule rule for you and one rule for the locals. Just using the pub analogy. I don’t think mumsnet is supposed to be like that. It’s sort of saying fit in or fuck off. It’s not a club.

Show quote history

Yes, I think you're exactly right. But it's a friendly local, that welcomes all sorts

Except those who just come in and whine about the clientele, and/or don't actually look around them to see what the place is like

SchoolTripDrama · 03/02/2023 19:07

@RunnerBum Sorry that happened to you :( I've experienced the same kind of thing years ago when I used to use mumsnet. Probably 8 years ago. I posted about something awful that happened to my child whilst I was in hospital (she was neglected) and whilst it was very shocking, so many people reported it as bullshit, MN pulled the thread and emailed every person who had reported the thread (and cc'd me in) saying "Thanks for all the reports, we've zapped that troll!" - Honestly, I was already an absolute mess (I had a mental breakdown not long after) and that night I attempted suicide. Being called a liar about my child almost dying when I KNEW it to be true (as I was the one to find her) and stupidly blamed myself for anyway, was enough to push me over the edge that night.

These troll hunters don't realise the effect they can have on already emotional/distressed (& likely vulnerable) people posting for support in their lowest moments.

It's this "It hasn't ever happened to me or anyone I know, therefore it must be bollocks' mentality which infuriates me...

LapinR0se · 03/02/2023 19:07

I agree with you, but I think Mumsnet just reflects the worst of social media (anonymous posting which allows people to say things they would never ever say in RL).

I have to ask myself before I post: if it ever became public that my posts were from me, would I be happy for my family, husband, friends, employer to read them? If the answer is no then I hesitate to post. I think more of us need to think about that…

BadNomad · 03/02/2023 19:08

Tolstoysbackpack · 03/02/2023 18:42

I know what you mean. But that’s kind of saying you can’t post on this thread unless you are sufficiently knowledgeable and prepared. It’s a universal free anonymous forum. It’s called mumsnet. Not that’s what it is advertised as. It shouldn’t be that someone has to expect shite, it should be people shouldn’t spout shite. Like they wouldn’t in real life. Nobody’screams and shouts’ in real life. Nobody has endless altercations that end up with them ‘shaking and crying all day’ I know that. You know that. They know that. But maybe sometimes they don’t. You don’t know.

Show quote history

But that’s kind of saying you can’t post on this thread unless you are sufficiently knowledgeable and prepared

Not really. It's more saying that if you want advice on something very sensitive and specific (mental health, infertility, disability) you should post on a forum dedicated to just that which is more likely to only have posters who have experience in that. Posting on MN is inviting every Tom, Dick and Harriot to comment on your issue. There is a poster on this very thread who said she was left suicidal after posting about her MH on here. She would have been better off getting the support she needed from a site dedicated to that rather than a general forum.

The other problem is people don't post in the topic specific to their query because they want "traffic". Traffic is found in AIBU? because that is where the masses of people go to pass judgement. That is the whole point of this subtopic.

Society is full of stupid people. Those stupid people have as much right to not read the OP correctly, and respond with biased vitriol, as the more intelligent people who can read and pick up on the nuance of situations do.

NowDoYouBelieveMe · 03/02/2023 19:12

I just reported a post and its follow ups agreeing with the poster that said I think the rape of women is ok, that its normal. I never said anything of the sort. I find it incredibly distressing that any woman would say this stuff to another woman, esp as I am myself a rape victim, and told the mods so.

The mod responds:

Hello there

We are very sorry to read this and thanks for reporting this post again. While we see where you're coming from, as it's not breaking our Talk Guidelines, we won't delete it on this occasion. We'll continue to keep an eye on things for the time being and please continue to report anything you think we ought to check out.

Best wishes,
Philip
MNHQ

Original poster
Tolstoysbackpack · 03/02/2023 19:12

If it’s established that this is what it is like now, they need to call themselves something different then. Don’t market it as a friendly community. Call it bitch site. Call it something else. If you use it for kicks then shame on you. you know full well the difference between asking a question and being a nasty or passive aggressive. You know that. If you don’t you are lying. Just be a decent person. It’s quite simple.

OP posts:
BIWI · 03/02/2023 19:13

NowDoYouBelieveMe · 03/02/2023 19:04

Yes me too. I thought esp considering they expressed sympathy that they would delete it but no

Show quote history

Ah. You're one of the TWAW posters though, aren't you?

I read your posts about trans women being placed in women's prisons.

SemperIdem · 03/02/2023 19:13

Certain boards have been that way for over a decade, AIBU, the dog one, step parenting in particular.

NowDoYouBelieveMe · 03/02/2023 19:15

BIWI · 03/02/2023 19:13

Ah. You're one of the TWAW posters though, aren't you?

I read your posts about trans women being placed in women's prisons.

Show quote history

What would that have to do with accusing me of thinking women being raped is ok?

Do you think it's ok to tell a rape victim that they think rape is ok?

BIWI · 03/02/2023 19:16

No. Absolutely not.

MarshaBradyo · 03/02/2023 19:16

I don’t know I accidentally clicked on a thread so gross I have to post it out here to get over it

blubberyboo · 03/02/2023 19:19

about 12 years ago I came across a thread on netmums? I think and it said

does anyone else think that mumsnet is just awful and nasty especially the AIBU section? So I came over to see and it’s kind of always been like this.

doesn’t mean we can’t strive for improvements

Neededanewuserhandle · 03/02/2023 19:20

(anonymous posting which allows people to say things they would never ever say in RL).
This crap again. Posting anonymously is excellent - people are free to express actual opinions, others are free to disagree - that's great.
I don't come on here for "RL" - what be the point if it was exactly the same as just talking to people in RL?

Neededanewuserhandle · 03/02/2023 19:21

Tolstoysbackpack · 03/02/2023 19:12

If it’s established that this is what it is like now, they need to call themselves something different then. Don’t market it as a friendly community. Call it bitch site. Call it something else. If you use it for kicks then shame on you. you know full well the difference between asking a question and being a nasty or passive aggressive. You know that. If you don’t you are lying. Just be a decent person. It’s quite simple.

"Don’t market it as a friendly community"
Can you post a link or a screenshot to this marketing please? I've never seen it.

BabyOnBoard90 · 03/02/2023 19:23

Mumsnet has shown me that women struggle with handling dissent significantly more than men. Perhaps this explains why men typically dominate in politics.

Someone could post a view or opinion that goes against the consensus, and a slew of users will direct efforts to attack said poster. Instead of simply sharing their view with OP.

So many views, attitudes and assertions seem to be driven by feeling as opposed to rational logic and reason. Consequently bias dominates people's posts where, rather than an engage in constructive dialogue, they seek to validate and reinforce their views.

LapinR0se · 03/02/2023 19:24

at some point in the future anonymous posting could become illegal as it is proven to promote hate speech. How would you feel if all your posts on MN had your real name against them?

BadNomad · 03/02/2023 19:27

LapinR0se · 03/02/2023 19:24

at some point in the future anonymous posting could become illegal as it is proven to promote hate speech. How would you feel if all your posts on MN had your real name against them?

If that ever happens there will be a lot of abused women keeping silent. I don't think that is a good thing.

EmmaEmerald · 03/02/2023 19:27

BabyOnBoard90 · 03/02/2023 19:23

Mumsnet has shown me that women struggle with handling dissent significantly more than men. Perhaps this explains why men typically dominate in politics.

Someone could post a view or opinion that goes against the consensus, and a slew of users will direct efforts to attack said poster. Instead of simply sharing their view with OP.

So many views, attitudes and assertions seem to be driven by feeling as opposed to rational logic and reason. Consequently bias dominates people's posts where, rather than an engage in constructive dialogue, they seek to validate and reinforce their views.

I'm on a male dominated board and it's the same. They nearly took the politics section down at one stage because the mods (volunteers) were finding it took all their time.

LapinR0se · 03/02/2023 19:28

I’m not saying it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I’m just saying that social media and chat forums as we know them today could be subject to stricter regulation

NowDoYouBelieveMe · 03/02/2023 19:30

LapinR0se · 03/02/2023 19:24

at some point in the future anonymous posting could become illegal as it is proven to promote hate speech. How would you feel if all your posts on MN had your real name against them?

I would be perfectly fine with it personally, although I don't agree with it in principle.

I do wonder about some posters though. They can be truly poisonous, unable to discuss anything without personal attacks on others. I'm sure their loved ones would be shocked in many cases... And in others, not so much.

ArtixLynx · 03/02/2023 19:32

I've been here under various names since 2006, it goes in cycles, but honestly, right now, its probably the most trolly/unkind i've seen it for a while.

Neededanewuserhandle · 03/02/2023 19:33

LapinR0se · 03/02/2023 19:24

at some point in the future anonymous posting could become illegal as it is proven to promote hate speech. How would you feel if all your posts on MN had your real name against them?

I'd have to stop posting as workplace social media policies are so restrictive it would render posting totally pointless.
It would be a loss, but I'd cope - but we would lose the ability to hear from marginalised people all over the world.
BTW even if the UK passed such a daft law it would be impossible to enforce and would be ignored by US tech giants who dominate social media as they don't give a fuck about UK law - an opinion I'd have a real problem expressing if I had to tell you my actual name, because of the risk of retribution, just for having an opinion.