I think mumsnet is no longer fit for purpose in the spirit it was meant to be.

[Tolstoysbackpack]

I’m wondering if anyone feels the same as me. It’s called ‘Mumsnet’ which makes you believe it’s a supportive place and a place to go for advice or give advice. Some tough love. It’s great because it’s anonymous. I think you have to take the OP in good faith. But I think a lot of threads now are not. I think the balance has tipped from a minority of arseholes being nasty to a majority.

the starting point seems to be for a lot of people that reply to OP’s is to catch them
out, purposefully misunderstand, find some gotcha flaw in their OP to exploit as if they are interviewing a suspect, give unsolicited stupid legal or medical advice and believe their word is important and must be heard, compare their circumstances to the OP’s which I can only interpret as trying to show off that their situation is better, stupid examples, obsessed with money and leafy areas, if you don’t have family to help in an emergency why don’t you? You loser, if it were me I would….., I can’t believe you don’t drive, get a better job. Why don’t you go private? It’s people like you that have the NHS on their knees. What is your DH doing? Mine would race to me and pick me up in his beefy loving arms and if he didn’t I would LTB, I don’t think you are telling the full story here OP. I don’t understand your OP? (When any adult can kind of get the gist) and they asking questions just to cause a bit of drama.

some people really do ask for help and they get ripped to spreads. What is even more insulting that a lot of these people don’t bother to read the thread, they just are compelled to reply. They don’t even bother to look if their comment had been answered, it’s like the internet equivalent of perpetuating kicking someone while they are payed on the ground. And they don’t care. A lot of these people also claim to be incredibly affluent, educated and in important jobs.

I used to use this website a lot, I have found amusement and good advice. I thought it was a positive place. I don’t understand why people feel compelled to fuck it up. If you don’t have anything to say just move on. No one is asking you personally, and how arrogant to assume they are.

in a couple of hundred years when we are all dead and gone I wonder what historians will make of us. How they will interpret a website that was positive turned so cruel.

I think you’re right, it has evolved in line with how SM has evolved in general. I’d never start a thread here for example though I used to all the time, I don’t want to spend my days arguing with faceless people on the internet. I usually have my say and then hide the thread and forget all about it, you’ve no hope of changing minds, everyone is so entrenched. This way is better for my peace of mind

In spite of that I do think there are pockets of support and decency on here, and the wise women there always was. It’s just a bit harder to find.

Oh ffs ! 😂no. I’ve only been on it a couple of years. I’ve posted on the children’s books forum. I wouldn’t dare post anywhere else, I think it’s a shame. I’ve taken some great advice from here and I have saved a lot of threads that I have felt helpful and some replies are so fantastically eloquent that I admire whoever it is that has taken time to write a decent reply.

its a shame because I would like to post things but I am out off.

and yes, I’m guilty of logging in and reading the AIBU and a lot of times I think ‘come on’ you are saying your mil is a narc, you are being gaslit blah blah blah. But I can’t bring myself to just reply for the sake of saying that. Especially when it’s been said 100 times already. Those people are just as bad as the op. It’s just entertainment. I like the ones the daft. I loved the pate one.

it’s just becoming twitter ish now. It’s just seems we are all ready to rip each other apart. There are some AIBU threads that are obviously someone asking for help, and the op just gets the online equivalent of a kicking. And anyone with a bit of compassion would not feel the need to pile on.

i certainly don’t men it should be all nappies and flowers but I think people do enjoy giving a good anonymous bollocking to a stranger. I think that’s shitty.

The moderating is disappointing. It could with a bit more moderation be so much better in tone. The amount of trolls really don't help. Compared to 12 years ago I think it's gotten far more harsh. But it also seems to attract a lot of fairly mentally unwell women and of course they can't/don't give a balanced opinion.

I did find recently that people don't read the OP when you are asking AIBU and some go off on a tangent into a rant about something else. That's there problem - either point it out to them and the dumb ones still rant on so ignore them or ignore the ones that are purposefully argumentative - life is full of them. Not worth the hassle.

My biggest gripe would be people who can’t/don’t/won’t read properly - often they don’t even read the bloody OP!

Thread yesterday (maybe the day before?) about which parent should stay off work where the OP said neither parent would lose pay if they took it off. Still had multiple posters saying that one parent might lose pay. Then said again that no parent would lose pay - and PP continued to say that one parent might lose pay. You just feel like shaking people sometimes. Worse than that is where posters invent their own version of the OP and then people get angry and obsessed over the invented story. Like where OP says he DH has loaded the dishwasher wrong and she’s annoyed but hasn’t even spoken to the DH then one poster will say “I think YABU to shout at him about it” and then suddenly multiple people jump on the OP and have a major go at her for yelling. And when OP insists she didn’t yell, she’s accused of changing her story.

It makes me think far more people than we think on here are actually just trolls and trying to whip up a frenzy - but you would hope most adults would be able to read things for themselves!

Post in Chat rather than AIBU,,OP. It's properly chatty and supportive. And less overwhelming.

The internet has changed though. When you used to have to logon with an actual computer, the people doing so would probably have to be reasonable and articulate enough people just to do that. It’s easier to make snippy remarks on a phone.
I think there are fewer people asking for help in the same way as there were years ago. There’s so much history on here that you can find the answers just by googling most of the time. I would be too wary of asking for medical advice here, now that the coverage is so high. If it was just a handful of regular posters who like to chat, I can see how it would be more of a trusted circle.

The moderating is extremely poor. Legitimate threads go missing with no explanation whatsoever.

Personally I think any poster who links up someone's previous threads needs addressing . It's an annymous site and people may have the same problems but want to talk abo@ut a different aspect of it.
That can't happen if some absolute looser whonis so invested decides to link past few threads.

That can have massive implications because they are usually not even the same poster.

And if a poster tries to be remotely amusing they are hit with I assume the same joy sucker's? Calling troll, not real etc

I think MN needs to go back to it's old strap line of "The one with the swearing"

It never was and never will be a fluffy supportive site. It is the place where you will be challenged, and sometimes you need to realise when you are being a dick.

But if you go in to the topics you are just as likely as ever to find the advice you need (which may or may not be the advice you want)

And it's good to have a place where the you can be frank.

(I've been here about 15 years, BTW)

You e only ever posted on the children’s book chat room op

never having dared to post on anything else for the last couple of years

and yet today… you decide to start a thread in AIBU of all places.

What suddenly have you the balls?! 😂

I disagree. Sometimes OP gives one impression in the OP and then, when you see other threads, it’s clear that they’re BU. Like they came home and DH had made himself food but nothing for her - he sounds like a dick. When you link up a previous thread where you discover he’s just found out she’s having an affair and is making plans to leave her, it paints a very different picture. People don’t live in isolation and so wanting a post considered in total isolation from the context will probably result in pretty inaccurate advice.

There was a poster recently who didn’t want their child in nursery and then, in another thread, was complaining about their child always being around and not being able to cope looking after them constantly. The obvious solution was in the other thread.

It’s partly the moderation. It needs to be a bit stricter overall, and the mods need to be educated in how to spot online bullshittery. Right now there’s an MRA group posting threads so that they can pick apart the responses here in their own little groups and sneer over how awful women are. Naturally MN is completely oblivious and unable to identify these goading threads full of manosphere talking points.

I’ve had to block the MN report emails because it is so frustrating to report an obvious troll or MRA thread and receive a brainless “hurr durr looks okay to me!” response.

I don't get why made up threads are deleted, I mean how do they know what's real or not and why on earth does it matter? Sometimes they are funny, sometimes the replies are helpful to others who are really in that situ, what does it matter if someone is bored and is having a creative writing session?

@AuntieStella

I find that stance really quite arrogant.

It's not a fluffy site but saying people needs to be called out?

No.

People ask for advice and that can be given in a nice way.
Not the " omg op everyone says your being unreasonable even though this is chat....and your still going on are you on glue, do you have anxiety, I feel sorry for blah" is. hideous. ..I've been on this site for a long time and I've never always agreed with posters at all. But I've never felt it's my role to call people out " as a dick". 😩

Ring

I think some posters are just too invested and seem to spend all their time on here going over "spreadsheets" 🤣...and doing more monitoring than the actual mods.

I've always assumed that when people start threads about delicate matters that they will change certain details to maintain their anonymity. Things like the ages of their DC or the part of the country they're from or the timing of when things have happened.
I've also assumed that posters might well be posting about historic issues which havent been resolved, especially the trauma of affairs.
I'm not sure why people are concerned about whether a particular poster is consistent or not. Just take each and every thread on its own merit and do what you can to help!

There are far too many incels and MRAs infiltrating the place now.
OP posts about their partner or husband basically treating them like shit. Lots of posters give good advice and then after a few hours the incels and MRAs find the thread and start gaslighting the OP and the other posters. It's awful and it needs to stop.

@EllieM27

Would you expand on Mra? What is the acronym for and what type of posts please.

Agreed.

Also applies to the CF threads, where the followers wind the OP up into weird and confrontational behaviour which is likely to affect personal relationships for years.

The best thing my friends do for me is call me on my own bullshit, and help me see other's perspective. Mindless support is not kindness.

@drivingavanbacknorth

Absolutely. People must change details and fudge everything all the time because of the paper's....( See mum made to sit in cheap plane seat's whilst husband is in business daily mail) and .... obsessive posters who have nothing better to do than try and out people and I think they need to be very strict with such poster's.

Oh! Is this where all the "my ex wife is a terrible person and won't let me see my children" are coming from?

They cannot possibly know whether they are real or not so why they act like gods is beyond me. Moderate if someone is being abused. Leave alone if someone is actually being helped. I've seen abuse from a moderator towards a poster. Bang out of order.

Turned so cruel???? Really? Nonsense but suspect you have an agenda here.

I have been here for years and years. Aibu is a rough tough funny one liner site.

If you really need help and hand holding its here in other areas of mumsnet

Been a life line to me and thousands of other women.

Maybe you would do better on netmuns? Or maybe if you can't take women debating with each other just leave