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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell other parents that I'm autistic?

140 replies

QuertyGirl · 03/02/2023 10:17

I'm that weird, scruffy parent at school. It's not going to change.

I'm starting to wonder if some parents (my sons best friends mum and others) are actively avoiding play dates with my son, due to me.

He is NT, popular, healthy and happy. We even have a nice house in a decent area (I know some people can be funny about that).

So, would it help if I told people? I don't generally because it's nobody else's business and most peoples opinion about me isn't relevant to me. This isn't about me though!

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 03/02/2023 10:19

I think you could say to the friends mum if you wanted to. Do you have his friends over ?

Mrsjayy · 03/02/2023 10:21

What age are the children do you over hear others talking about playdates?

tiggergoesbounce · 03/02/2023 10:21

A child having a scruffy parent wouldn't stop me inviting our DS friend around to our house.

And if those who it would, im not sure that would change by you giving this information out.

Have you invited those children over a few times to your house and they have declined ???

Paturday · 03/02/2023 10:23

I think it would be weird just to come out with it out of the blue. Why not invite a kid for a play at yours and then during small talk you can mention it if you want - ‘agh I didn’t even get to brush my hair today, I’m autistic by the way so it can be tricky for me!’ etc

Paturday · 03/02/2023 10:24

But OP, I am the same - unbrushed hair etc - and NT. Don’t overthink!

Mrsjayy · 03/02/2023 10:25

Yes I don't think you should blurt it out but bring it up in conversation is fine.

DIYandEatCake · 03/02/2023 10:25

I’m autistic too, and for me it’s the kind of thing I share with those who care about me to help them understand me, rather than with strangers/unfriendly people to apologise for/explain my behaviour (like you say, I don’t think it’s any of their business). There’s no guarantee it would make people more positive towards you, sometimes the opposite sadly. All you can do is invite your son’s friends to play regularly. Once they’re old enough to be left without parents it does get easier (I think people avoided play dates at my house too when my son was younger as they just didn’t want to have to stay and make awkward conversation with me, but now he’s older and parents can drop and leave it’s better).

arethereanyleftatall · 03/02/2023 10:25

Is your child very young? Don't worry op, as soon as they get to about 5yo, play dates are without parents anyway.

Paturday · 03/02/2023 10:25

(Mention it to the parent I mean, at play date pickup, not the kid!!)

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 03/02/2023 10:25

With the greatest of respect I’m not sure anyone would especially care unless they were a friend. I’d find it super awkward if some random mum came up to me and told me she’s autistic

Original poster
QuertyGirl · 03/02/2023 10:27

I'm more wondering if some people would view me with less suspicion if they knew why I'm weird.

This would be entirely for my sons benefit
(he's six).

OP posts:
SmileWithADimple · 03/02/2023 10:27

How old is your son? When they are little, I think it's common for play dates to arranged between parents who are friends themselves, but as they grow up the kids choose their friends.

Mrsjayy · 03/02/2023 10:29

I don't know if they would view you differently it depends on the type of people they are. Do you talk to his friends mum at all even if its to say hi ?

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 03/02/2023 10:29

What makes you think you’re weird OP?

Climbles · 03/02/2023 10:32

I think sadly most people don’t really understand Autism so if they are avoiding you because they think you are ‘weird’ it may not help. In my experience though it’s often reasons like certain kids doing an activity together or the mums know each other from yoga which increases the likelihood of play dates.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/02/2023 10:37

I think it may help, if there is someone who is kind or trustworthy.

Choconut · 03/02/2023 10:45

Are you inviting the friend on play dates and being turned down? What's happening to make you think they're actively avoiding you?

Original poster
QuertyGirl · 03/02/2023 10:46

Choconut · 03/02/2023 10:45

Are you inviting the friend on play dates and being turned down? What's happening to make you think they're actively avoiding you?

Yep!

OP posts:
Lcb123 · 03/02/2023 10:50

If you feel comfortable sharing and feel it would benefit. I have a colleague who shared they are autistic and it really helped our working relationship as I could interact with them in a way that they found helpful, e.g, they told me having cameras on during a Zoom call was much better for them

Mrsjayy · 03/02/2023 10:53

Are his friends going to others houses are you chatting to the other mums if they don't know you then they might not like their kids going to your house, also if your son has friends at school and he is happy then don't get too hung up on play dates.

Conkersinautumn · 03/02/2023 10:54

God no. I'm enough of an outcast at school without giving them another reason to avoid me. There's no way I'd volunteer information to a bunch of people only temporarily in my life who weren't showing an interest in me. My asd is my business.

Accesscode · 03/02/2023 11:12

I think if they are avoiding you because you come across as scruffy, they will avoid you because you're autistic unfortunately. Some people don't understand how it affects adults and would judge (unfairly). For what it's worth I'm also the scruffy one at the school gates and just take it as some people are just judgy gits, and in that case best avoided.

It may also be that they are avoiding it for other reasons - maybe they are really busy, maybe the kids don't get along as well as you think, maybe they are just socially awkward, maybe they just don't like their kid going to someone else's house. Unless they decide to tell you you won't know, and there's no point speculating.

As an aside, when they turn down do you follow it up to ask if a different day would work better for them, or if they would like to meet somewhere else, a park or local attraction maybe, rather than at your house? That might get a different response.

WandaWonder · 03/02/2023 11:16

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 03/02/2023 10:25

With the greatest of respect I’m not sure anyone would especially care unless they were a friend. I’d find it super awkward if some random mum came up to me and told me she’s autistic

I would feel this also, I would find it weirder you telling me than just being yourself

I also think it is a little unfair to assume they don't like you because you are autistic, unless you know that for a fact.

People can not like other people for lots of reasons, I don't mean any offence but it mightn't have anything to do with you???

SpinningFloppa · 03/02/2023 11:22

Sounds like you are just not friends with the other mums? Doesn’t sound like they are avoiding you because you’re scruffy or “weird” just sounds like you’re not friends with them and don’t chat to them? It happens.. even to people that are NT I’m not friends with any of the mums at DC school so they don’t get invited to play dates, tbf I haven’t invited children either but that’s because if it was me I wouldn’t send my child to someone’s house that I wasn’t friends with so I wouldn’t expect people to want their child to come to my house. If you want your child to be more included then make more effort to befriend the other parents then you can tell them if you want to but just approaching strangers and telling them now that will come across as weird tbh

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 03/02/2023 11:37

What reason do they give for saying no to a play date?

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