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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell other parents that I'm autistic?

140 replies

QuertyGirl · 03/02/2023 10:17

I'm that weird, scruffy parent at school. It's not going to change.

I'm starting to wonder if some parents (my sons best friends mum and others) are actively avoiding play dates with my son, due to me.

He is NT, popular, healthy and happy. We even have a nice house in a decent area (I know some people can be funny about that).

So, would it help if I told people? I don't generally because it's nobody else's business and most peoples opinion about me isn't relevant to me. This isn't about me though!

OP posts:
bluevalet · 04/02/2023 09:25

I think it's your private business and you only need to tell people if you want to. However, if you're struggling to get to know some of the other parents, you might find they're turning down playdates just because they don't know you. Most parents are going to be cautious about where they let their kids visit.

So I don't think you have to do all the nicey nicey social thing if that's not who you are, but some kind of introduction (for the sake of your son) will probably help.

P.a you're probably not as 'weird' as you think you are. 😘

FatGirlSwim · 04/02/2023 09:27

I’m autistic and I’m completely comfortable with the general public knowing that. I also however know that many people probably won’t understand what neurodivergence means for me.

I think if you’re sharing the info as an apology, feeling that you’re defective in some way… it might not change anything with the other parents. It may not be that your appearance or behaviour is putting them off, they may just be cliquey.

Is your son’s other parent in the scene? Are they able to help you navigate it? I often used to send dh to parties etc, and he is chatty and outgoing so it paved the way. I also found it easier to join in when he was there too as I could metaphorically hide behind him.

It must be very hard with your son being left out. I found that parents accepted play dates but tended to arrange to meet up in groups and not include us.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/02/2023 09:33

Blurting out you are autistic will just make things worse. There are so many ways it presents in people and most including myself know little about it. My only concern would be how you care for my child in an emergency and that applies to an NT parent too. Is your home safe, do you have an aggressive dog, lots of other things besides scruffiness. The latter is easily remedied with a school run “uniform” if that makes your life easier.

bluetongue · 04/02/2023 09:36

I’m not NT but don’t have any children and am planning to stay child free.

I do think if you have children you need to make an effort to be more ‘normal’ (sorry, not sure of a better way to word it) or it’s not fair on your DC. If I’m being honest, being on the spectrum is one of the main reasons I’ve decided to stay child free. I suspect my mum is on the spectrum too and it made being a child and especially a teenager difficult.

You should be should be able to ‘be yourself’ but we all know that’s not how the real world works. God knows it’s exhausting enough masking to get through the work day.

LolaSmiles · 04/02/2023 09:47

It's sad, my son keeps asking why he can't do anything with child x or child y.

What do I say?
You say something like "lots of families have different schedules outside of school".

I've got friends who don't really do playdates. They're not mean people. They're just people who have their hobbies, their DH's hobbies, their children have interests or weekend clubs, they visit family, and they want some time to chill on a weekend as a family in their pyjamas. The parents already got friends from outside of school, and they've become family friends, so they see those people sometimes. On a week night they use wraparound some nights so on the nights they're able to do pick up, they're quite happy to have a quiet night.

You might find it's easier to suggest a meet up in the park rather than a play date at your house, or enrol DC into a club and get to know people that way.

TaraRhu · 04/02/2023 09:48

Could you try to look less scruffy? Do you have a friend that could help you put together some outfits? I don't think most care about looks tbh, but you might feel mor confident.

We made most ' play date' friends out of school. Met at swimming lessons, or in the park after school. More time to get to know the other parents than 5 mins pre/post school. Birthday parties are also good.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 04/02/2023 09:52

I think you need to try and form friendship with a mum/s first op. Not easy I know. But just start by saying hello and standing close by. Join in a conversation or start one where possible. You kind of have to force yourself into a group on the playground. Without being forceful if that makes sense. Or ask someone a question, like oh what day is pe today I think I have it muddled up this week then start a conversation from there and build a friendship

Dacadactyl · 04/02/2023 10:18

People will 100% be judging your appearance at the school gates.

I am by no means WHATSOEVER, done up for the school runs anymore, but for the early years of my children's schooldays I made an effort. This was so that other people wouldn't think I looked scruffy and so that I could build relationships with other mums, because first impressions do count.

In terms of playmates, you should approach other parents to have a bit of small talk, build up some relationships and then invite again.

Unfortunately your scruffiness and weirdness will be putting people off.

Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 10:26

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 04/02/2023 09:18

perhaps wear a subtle sign, to indicate you’re ND without having to have the conversation.

there are some very subtle t-shirts like this one attached which gently allow them to infer what’s going on with you without being in your face or explicit.

Of course I’m being a bit lighthearted here, this shirt is anything but subtle. There’s a dad at my daughter’s drama class who wears a genuinely subtle autism t-shirt.

I’m ND too by the way, I probably look quite weird because I usually wear clothes I find comfortable but which are a bit odd and definitely not in the gamut of what other parents wear. I have given up trying to act “normal” at all.

That T-shirt is ridiculous, and I'd judge anyone wearing it.
Not for their autism.

kitcat15 · 04/02/2023 10:29

QuertyGirl · 04/02/2023 07:07

I haven't to read all this right now but I definitely wash!

I do however wear my clothes to death.

Will be back later

You mean you wear dirty clothing? If so then thats gross

Original poster
QuertyGirl · 04/02/2023 10:32

@kitcat15

Where did I say that?

Please don't extrapolate gibberish

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 10:35

QuertyGirl · 04/02/2023 10:32

@kitcat15

Where did I say that?

Please don't extrapolate gibberish

What did you mean, then? Maybe if you were clearer people wouldn't have to extrapolate.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 04/02/2023 10:59

Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 10:35

What did you mean, then? Maybe if you were clearer people wouldn't have to extrapolate.

Show quote history

To me, it's obvious that she means that she wears the same clothes forever - so she'll wear stuff that has holes etc. in it just because of how comfortable it is.

kitcat15 · 04/02/2023 11:24

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 04/02/2023 10:59

To me, it's obvious that she means that she wears the same clothes forever - so she'll wear stuff that has holes etc. in it just because of how comfortable it is.

Show quote history

Not obvious at all ...... it read to me that she wore dirty mining clothes

kitcat15 · 04/02/2023 11:24

Minging

Original poster
QuertyGirl · 04/02/2023 11:26

kitcat15 · 04/02/2023 11:24

Minging

You're really not helping yourself here.

Grin
OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 11:31

QuertyGirl · 04/02/2023 11:26

You're really not helping yourself here.

Grin
Show quote history

Why don't you just clarify instead of sneering when people get it wrong? Is this an example of you acting weird? I have to agree that it's very irritating.

BoardLikeAMirror · 04/02/2023 11:31

kitcat15 · 04/02/2023 11:24

Minging

I don't think you have an understanding of the sensory issues associated with autism. It can take months for new clothes to feel comfortable and it is often difficult to make the transition to wearing anything new. That doesn't mean we don't wash our clothes, it just means we will wear them beyond a stage when others might class them as too worn out.

Original poster
QuertyGirl · 04/02/2023 11:32

@kitcat15

Great idea!

To tell other parents that I'm autistic?
OP posts:
Manthide · 04/02/2023 11:52

I'm also the weird scruffy one and I'm wondering whether I should go for a diagnosis. Autism runs in my family and ds is ND. I'm not sure it would help though as mums are very cliquey. I did find certain mums were much friendlier when they discovered my eldest two (much older than youngest two) went to Cambridge!! As your son gets older mums matter less to their friendships so he'll be fine in the end.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 04/02/2023 11:54

Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 10:26

That T-shirt is ridiculous, and I'd judge anyone wearing it.
Not for their autism.

Show quote history

Yes fully agree, I hope I made that clear in my post that it’s absurd, I intended to be a bit tongue in cheek about that shirt.

I did quite like the subtle one the drama class dad wears though, you have to look to see it and it’s nothing about “superpowers”. I don’t consider myself to have superpowers, there are some particular things I do very well as a consequence, but much more that I struggle with and which makes life “hard mode”

P0ppy8557 · 04/02/2023 13:22

Dacadactyl
What a nasty post.

Frankly op I think you’d be better off not befriending people like that and I get what you mean re wearing clothes.

PeachyIsThinking · 04/02/2023 13:45

I’m also autistic but my sons are older now- eldest is 23.

I definitely remember this.

What I also know though is that the best people, the ones worth having don’t care. These are the friends that share values, who you’ll still have in social media in 15 years, where you’ll look back and think ‘I don’t even think I spoke to them that much in the playground but they are the nicest’.

Did I put a mask in for the sake of my sons (3 autistic, 1 NT)? Of course! I’d do most things for their sake and if a friendship needed it then yes, I wasn’t dx until 2016 but still obviously different. The real gems found me though.

SpringtimeCherries · 04/02/2023 13:50

This is an interesting thread, with varied responses. I think it shows OP that what you are presenting as a simple solution that might ‘fix’ things socially as a parent with your son, isn’t that simple. I’m autistic, but not significantly impacted like my son.

So for me it throws up quite complex issues. I’m not totally comfortable with speaking autistic people using the diagnosis to excuse or gain socially if I’m honest. And I’m not sure it’s a way to get your son accepted either.

Partly because there is nothing wrong with difference, it does not need a medical diagnostic label. I can be scruffy sometimes. My autistic DS is never scruffy, as he needs to be very tidy and neat, his own personality.

If I were you I’d meet people half way. We all have to meet others half way, and that to me is the simple truth in this. It doesn’t mean pretending to be someone we are not, but it does mean doing something that takes us a little beyond ourselves in order to show the other people that we are trustworthy and OK. Halfway might just mean looking around and finding a couple of nice parents, going up to them, and saying ‘Hello, I hear they are doing X at school this week’. It doesn’t have to be in-depth conversation at the school gates. Most parents just want their kids to be happy and safe, the most well dressed parent might be a total nightmare! So you will always find at least one other parent out there.

PeachyIsThinking · 04/02/2023 13:53

Dacadactyl · 04/02/2023 10:18

People will 100% be judging your appearance at the school gates.

I am by no means WHATSOEVER, done up for the school runs anymore, but for the early years of my children's schooldays I made an effort. This was so that other people wouldn't think I looked scruffy and so that I could build relationships with other mums, because first impressions do count.

In terms of playmates, you should approach other parents to have a bit of small talk, build up some relationships and then invite again.

Unfortunately your scruffiness and weirdness will be putting people off.

These are the people I mean! You don’t need them. Am I scruffy ? Sometimes. Never dirty, but as well as not having time to do more than look in a mirror before school (5am start back then due to the kids disabilities), I don’t tend to notice if clothes are skewed etc- hyposensory. Besides I grew up near Glastonbury 🤷‍♀️ Of course I’m a bit batshit and colourful!

Let the judge people find their clique, you’ll find a much more caring one. They may have sneered at me a decade or more ago but their kids still say hello after remembering me going in to read with them and love that.

Nobody is liked by everyone.