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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell other parents that I'm autistic?

140 replies

QuertyGirl · 03/02/2023 10:17

I'm that weird, scruffy parent at school. It's not going to change.

I'm starting to wonder if some parents (my sons best friends mum and others) are actively avoiding play dates with my son, due to me.

He is NT, popular, healthy and happy. We even have a nice house in a decent area (I know some people can be funny about that).

So, would it help if I told people? I don't generally because it's nobody else's business and most peoples opinion about me isn't relevant to me. This isn't about me though!

OP posts:
Keepyourmummysboys · 03/02/2023 21:06

I cannot be arsed with all this social minefield shit!

I think if you lack the ability to know if your behaviour impacts on your child, and you also can’t be arsed. That you don’t care, then It’s difficult.

is what you’re posting reflective? That you’re scruffy, weird and can’t be arsed?

bowtiedgarlic · 03/02/2023 21:08

Define scruffy?

This! I don't understand what this means.

Paulap8 · 03/02/2023 21:09

If I thought a Mum was slightly weird at the school gates but then they bounded up to me and said, 'hey, listen I struggle a bit with social interactions. I'm autistic. But I'd really like to be more involved and organise play dates with my son'. My response would be 'absolutely. Let's exchange numbers, you wanna go for a coffee?'

I'd genuinely make every effort to include you. I can't say that everyone would react like that, clearly as per the responses on this thread - but I would, because anyone whose got the balls to put themselves out there like that - is someone I've got time for!

LolaSmiles · 03/02/2023 21:13

I'm wary about sending DC to othe people's houses unless I know the parents and would want to be present when they're with new adults until I'm happy that I feel comfortable with them being on their own.

Scruffy and weird can mean lots of things, from a light hearted joke about being a bit socially awkward and not being perfectly groomed for the school run through to looking like you can't be arsed and everything is chaotic.

ouch321 · 03/02/2023 21:14

I love how people give being autistic as a reason for just about anything. I know it's very trendy but really..

You don't have to be autistic to not want to be dressed up to the nines when visiting.

And no you shouldn't randomly start announcing things to other parents, very attention seeking.

Pjmaskmummy · 03/02/2023 21:16

It's really rubbish you're in this situation but I've found people are scared/shy away from things they do not understand so by telling people I'm not sure it would change anything.

ppure · 03/02/2023 21:16

That’s normal behaviors. Its cliques, parents and children behave like that. They exclude and include people.

As the parent of a non verbal autistic child I do find it odd that so many speaking autistic people LOVE to use it as a “reason” to excuse or “to get” some things. You manage to get a child to school presumably on time and dressed appropriately.

NEVER have I ever announced - even in the airport “my child is autistic that’s why he’s screaming or stimming etc” or to jump a queue.

jtaeapa · 03/02/2023 21:17

No, don’t.

some people will like you, some people won’t. Telling them won’t change that. Be yourself and only see people who genuinely like you.

Fossilspartnersphone · 03/02/2023 21:19

I'm autistic too (long term poster logged onto my partner's phone)

It is a minefield isn't it?So many unspoken does and don'ts. I'd drop it in somehow although it's hard to know how/when

GoldenCagedBird · 03/02/2023 21:19

can you explain a bit more about how you are presenting? Why do you say you are ‘weird’?

re: scruffy- for your son’s sake I would buy a supermarket presentable coat and beanie hat, keep a hairbrush near the door and make sure I had a pair of clean shoes to collect him from school in. A uniform that is ‘safe’ and ok sensory wise for you.

Teenagehorrorbag · 03/02/2023 21:23

I'm scruffy (as in jeans and bodywarmer all the time, never smart) but am NT. I used to joke with other mums about how nice they all look compared to me. I don't bother with make up any more, and some of them never leave the house without it.

I am older than most Mums, maybe they just labelled me the old frump - but I socialise with a few of the older ones and we all get on well. I don't think being scruffy is your issue. Nobody avoided playdates, as far as I know.

My son is autistic. You may be right that being 'weird' (which is how we tend to describe his foibles) is what makes people a little unsure. I'd personally go against the general view here and say yes - why not mention it? Lots of people are happy with difference if they can 'label' it - whereas if they just think you're a bit odd they may be nervous about who knows what......?

In what way do you think you are weird? It's often socially - do you struggle with small talk, or to feel you're getting it wrong? If so, then I do think a 'sorry, I'm so rubbish at expressing myself, it's because I'm on the autism spectrum. I always get it wrong, so glad Billy takes after his Dad, ha ha'. Or similar - might just reassure other parents?

There was a boy at school with DS who was so obviously aspergers, and so was his Dad (who did the school runs and joined us in the park afterwards etc). Neither diagnosed, clearly, but I always felt sorry for both as people did avoid the Dad, and the lad struggled a bit with friendships etc. I always felt they dipped out because people just thought they were a bit weird. The boy had a party aged about 9 where his parents had paid for a certain venue, and people all accepted - then on the day less than half actually turned up! People can be horrible.......Sad.

We have never hidden DS's diagnosis (ASD and ADHD) and he doesn't either, although he has friends who are less open. Ideally I wish people could be loud and proud, but I know it's not that easy. Of course you shouldn't have to tell anyone anything, and parents should be far more considerate - but if you feel it would help your DS with friendships then I totally understand why you might want to. And you probably only need to mention it to your son's best friend's Mum and then she can let others know, if you prefer? Good luck anyway, with whatever you decide. I hope it all works out.

strawberry2017 · 03/02/2023 21:38

Is being scruffy a symptom of autism? I'm a little confused tbh.
Is it scruffiness you can do something about?
I agree with some of the other posters, it would make me wonder what kind of joke setting I would be sending my child to.
I think maybe you need to explain in what ways you are scruffy to help us understand a little more.

ItsNotReallyChaos · 03/02/2023 21:41

Rather than inviting a child to your house for a playdate have you tried a lower key approach of suggesting each taking your DC to the playground after school?

It's less intense and means parents can get to know you a bit before committing to their DC coming to your home.

Johnnysgirl · 03/02/2023 21:41

If it just (from a distance) manifests as scruffiness, can't you do something about that? You can't be acting weird enough that they're actively preventing their children playing with yours.

FleeBag · 03/02/2023 21:47

from personal experience, I wouldn’t. I told other parents, but son also ND. Not only have we been socially isolated, but some parents actively bullied both myself and my child.
DS Has moved schools and now keep schtum. Bizarrely, tho we are exactly the same people we were at the old school, playmates are reciprocated, son has friends. Although I care less about what other parents think, which I think helps a lot.
I would never tell again, unless a very close friend.

FleeBag · 03/02/2023 21:49

Play dates, not playmates!

Tiddlywinkly · 03/02/2023 21:50

Hi Op. Another autistic mum here. I have often wondered whether or not to disclose my condition. Those who are closest to me know. I think those mums aren't going to change their behaviour if they know your condition.

Autistic people are all different as you know. What do you mean by scruffy?

It's nice to hear from lots of other autistic women. I don't know anyone else in RL. There's a neurodiverse thread on here, but it's not hugely active. Thanks @DIYandEatCake. Great post

RingRingRingGoesTheTelephone · 03/02/2023 21:51

I'd internally roll my eyes if someone walked up to me at the school gates and announced this. I really don't have time for navigating someone else's issues. I don't even know how you'd reply? Why do you need playdates anyway? They are at school 30+ hours a week, we spend enough time at kids party's at the weekend, we like a bit of family time at the weekend. Are you sure other people even have playdates? I think I've been on 2 ever and I have 3 kids, I'm not weird or scruffy either.

lionsandwhales · 03/02/2023 22:14

Say something. I think they would be massively supportive and feel guilty about their assumptions and lack of awareness, plus you will be proving them an education and insight into something that they are very likely to need skills in at some point in their lives.

DontLikeMenthols · 03/02/2023 22:17

Surely if you’re aware you’re ‘scruffy’ you can do something about it? I’d understand if maybe you didn’t realise but it sounds like you do.

Johnnysgirl · 03/02/2023 22:21

DontLikeMenthols · 03/02/2023 22:17

Surely if you’re aware you’re ‘scruffy’ you can do something about it? I’d understand if maybe you didn’t realise but it sounds like you do.

Yes, your "and that's not going to change" comment is just odd, op.

Why are you using scruffiness as a badge of honour?

Babdoc · 03/02/2023 22:22

I’m also autistic and I don’t understand the connection OP seems to be making with “being scruffy”. I spent 36 years as a doctor, and managed to not be scruffy when dealing with patients - I would have considered it unprofessional. Being autistic doesn’t usually stop one bathing, brushing hair or laundering clothes.

Cuppasoupmonster · 03/02/2023 22:28

Are you actually ‘weird’ though or is it a self fulfilling prophecy where you call yourself weird then kind of act it? Could you smarten up a bit? Not in a lip filler way, but I suppose my concern around play dates at a scruffy person’s house would be hygiene/cleanliness of the place.

Readyforspringtime · 03/02/2023 22:34

Being autistic absolutely could prevent someone from frequently bathing, brushing their hair, or wearing smart clothes. I find it very concerning that a doctor couldn't understand all the reasons why.

I think it depends on what you mean by scruffy. Not using any makeup, wearing joggers and your hair in a bun, or being dirty? IF you were dirty or smelly then it would put some parents off leaving their child alone in your home. If you didn't speak to any of them then it could make them feel unable to get to know you first, again, another reason for not wanting to leave their child at your house. My DC went to a friends house that was filthy, it was a health hazard and they didn't go back. Another friend talked about their parent smacking their sibling, I wouldn't leave my young child alone in their house either. What matters is that the parent is kind and responsible and the environment is safe and fun, if that isn't the case then it doesn't matter why (autism or anything else).

Robinni · 03/02/2023 22:42

@QuertyGirl I wouldn’t, and I am autistic myself. Unless you become very good friends with someone it isn’t relevant, or any of their business.

Your appearance or behaviour at school won’t be noticed by them - you notice it because you overanalyse everything and probably assess your environment akin to Sherlock.

This is not your stuff - this is their stuff. If there are issues over play dates don’t worry about it. DC is six. Send to an after school club, take to wkend clubs, this will help you both integrate better.

There is plenty of time and no set way things should be. There will be birthday parties, if there’s a WhatsApp group from time to time there might be group meet ups in the park.

Chill, you’re overthinking, take the pressure off yourself, be yourself and it will be easier.