To tell other parents that I'm autistic?

[QuertyGirl]

I'm that weird, scruffy parent at school. It's not going to change.

I'm starting to wonder if some parents (my sons best friends mum and others) are actively avoiding play dates with my son, due to me.

He is NT, popular, healthy and happy. We even have a nice house in a decent area (I know some people can be funny about that).

So, would it help if I told people? I don't generally because it's nobody else's business and most peoples opinion about me isn't relevant to me. This isn't about me though!

@Keepyourmummysboys

It is not that she doesn’t care. She cares very much.

Interactions in group situations can feel to an autistic person akin to being picked over by vultures. The night before she may not sleep well, she’ll be stressed and disorganised. During it’s sort of like being hit with a machine gun of information - pew pew pew pew pew. You can’t keep up, you’re a few seconds behind in responses which stands out, you over share and don’t know the appropriate responses to have. It’s essentially like trying to have a full blown relationship with someone who speaks a different language and has a different culture. Very stressful. And then you go over every detail of it for weeks, thinking what did I do wrong.

Who wouldn’t find all that difficult?

She wants her son to have a social life that he’s more than fit for, without making herself ill.

I did in the past (ADHD, not ASD) and the gossip based on faux sympathy/ awareness spreading was too much. This doesn't sound like a very inclusive or laid back crowd so it may go that way too.

Plus I also don't think the diagnosis necessarily proves anything... I have seen people who don't parent well or don't have a nice home environment due to ND related issues like executive dysfunction, sensory overwhelm, etc. (That said their ill managed conditions were usually from denial or poorly managed diagnosis! Equally, I've seen NT parents who don't parent well because they just don't give a shit!) Quality of parenting is the most immediate thing you want to showcase.

Btw, could this be more about your relationship with their children? You will be supervising and caring for their kids at your home after all. Are you friendly and caring (not overly in a creepy way though) towards your son's friends when you bump into them at the gates? Or do you just kind of ignore them? I agree with PPs, maybe pick a public place where both of you will be present as a neutral and trusted location first.

You don’t need to be scruffy. It’s far easier as an autistic person to dress nicely because it gives a good first impression and smooths the way to better interactions.

I’m not saying for a second that I dress up in order to be friends with people who would judge me if I wasn’t dressed up. But when you’re autistic you tend to be hypersensitive to people’s expressions and body language….so if someone thinks you’re scruffy they may give you a funny look and that makes you even more uncomfortable and awkward and the interaction goes downhill. People treat you better if you look presentable…they shouldn’t treat you better but they do so take advantage of that.

Find a uniform or a few uniforms. Black, good quality leggings, black jumper and a wool coat and boots, or find a plain, nicely fitting dress. Get several of each item. You could wear very basic makeup which you could apply in five minutes or less.

Oh you’ll still be weird but if you look good you can come across as loveably eccentric🙂.

@Robinni It is not that she doesn’t care. She cares very much.
Interactions in group situations can feel to an autistic person akin to being picked over by vultures. The night before she may not sleep well, she’ll be stressed and disorganised. During it’s sort of like being hit with a machine gun of information - pew pew pew pew pew. You can’t keep up, you’re a few seconds behind in responses which stands out, you over share and don’t know the appropriate responses to have. It’s essentially like trying to have a full blown relationship with someone who speaks a different language and has a different culture. Very stressful. And then you go over every detail of it for weeks, thinking what did I do wrong.
Who wouldn’t find all that difficult?
She wants her son to have a social life that he’s more than fit for, without making herself ill.

This is how 80+% of parents feel - NT or otherwise
I rock up to school and can't wait to take my kids home
I don't dress-up, worry about what I look like or frankly give a shit
Why is being scruffy a ND thing - that's a generalisation - like saying all NT's do school pick-up in full blown-make-up and breeze through it
There are very many NT parents who hate the school-gate culture
I'm weird cos I don't do PTA or give a flying fuck about the school fair (insert what you want here!)
I understand it must be incredibly difficult from ND parents but please don't assume that NT parents are loving this either

I wouldn't tell them as in my experience it can make things worse.

It’s far easier as an autistic person to dress nicely because it gives a good first impression and smooths the way to better interactions
Depends really on the person, I'm pretty scruffy, wearing years old tracksuit, unbrushed hair, the sensory issues and meltdowns when I have to smarten up far outweigh the better impressions benefits.

Agree re. The uniform, I do this. Multiples of the same types of clothes.

Find it quite disturbing that people who are autistic and those who are close to someone autistic are saying there should be no issues with washing/dressing etc.

For people with sensory issues this can be really difficult, particularly with all the transitions. Some can’t bear the feel of make up on their face for example.

A bit of compassion needed. Just because you on the spectrum don’t have these particular difficulties doesn’t mean you should disregard others. It would be like me saying autistics have no issue with speaking/learning to a non verbal autistic with severe learning difficulties.

It is a spectrum…. Each person has their own difficulties.

Say NOTHING @QuertyGirl It won't improve anything and they won't understand

@bowtiedgarlic

Completely realise that most parents have difficulties to some extent, I’m not disregarding that, I’m trying to explain what it feels like from an autistics point of view… It’s not a matter of just not liking it. It’s like being asked to drive long distance when you don’t know how to drive.

I don’t agree that being scruffy is a ND thing at all. I’m quite well put together, it takes a lot of effort! Though some can’t manage it.

As a lot of posters have said it’s hard to gauge what OP is saying is wrong with their appearance, from their point of view, or what specifically she thinks others would take issue with.

No, it's invasive. I would really think it was weird if ANY parent I didn't know beyond a "hello, nice weather we're having" sort of chat told me something personal about them just randomly at the school gate. You have to at least have got to the having a cup of coffee stage with someone.

Interesting thread. I do feel like my autism impacts on my DC social life, but don't think telling people will help with that.

I would be thrilled if a parent disclosed that to me, but I don't think I'll tell any more people than I already have because there are so many damaging, clichéd and hateful ideas around (some examples on this thread, sadly). I myself did or realise how enormously ignorant I was about autism generally and in women & girls in particular, until I was advised to explore an assessment for myself and i began to look into it (within the last year). And I've always considered myself to be open minded and caring... Wow, was I ever wrong!

So I am nervous about telling people. It's not something I can take back if I do tell people. Once it's said, I can't un-say it and people can't un-know it. Then I'm left with their judgement and/or "sympathy" (shudder).

did not* realise

I've always assumed a screaming child in meltdown jumping the queue is not primarily for the benefit of the child/parent, but for the benefit of everyone else present (peace and quiet).

OP please don’t call yourself weird! You’re just different from the average person. Who wants to be the average person anyway?

How old is your DC? Not everyone is comfortable with drop off play dates in reception and sometimes into year 1 depending on how nervous the child or other parents are. Is there anything else like you have a large dog? It seems like a big leap to assume children don't want to go to your house because of you.

I haven't to read all this right now but I definitely wash!

I do however wear my clothes to death.

Will be back later

It's not a competition in who's life is more affected by autism. You may not need to announce your childs autism as it is visible due to stimming/meltdown.
OP is debating sharing this very personal information about herself to relative strangers to try to help her son in developing friendships and experiencing things most children experience such as play dates.
You write as if she is using her autism as an aid or a tool which isn't very kind or inclusive.

@QuertyGirl I don't think I would disclose this info to the other school mums this way.
If they seem a bit judgey about your appearance then they will be judgey about your autism.
You've had great suggestions up thread about meeting in a public park/ having a set "uniform" that you know look and feel good.
Also put him into other social settings like sports clubs etc where he may click with others so the pressure isn't just on to gel with the school gate mums.
You could have been just unlucky and picked dates that didn't work too.

I think as this thread shows, it won't make any difference to how people treat you.

There is still a huge lack of understanding around autism and how it presents in people. I'm also autistic (as are several of my relatives). and I know what you mean about finding clothes you love and wearing them to death.

I find it easier not to talk about autism in real life because of the inevitable judgement that comes my way.

You'd be better off inviting the parent around for a coffee, while their child plays with yours. Then telling them you're autistic. I have turned down a play date from a strange and unclean looking lady, because I was worried. However if she'd invited me as well, then I would have gone and realised there's nothing to worry about.

Tried that!

Nope!

It's sad, my son keeps asking why he can't do anything with child x or child y.

What do I say?

Just hope the kids never adopt the same attitudes as their parents and bully my son because of me.

Needless to say, I won't be revealing anything further about myself.

Don't worry. I've never made any mum friends either. I've raised 2 children, ones left primary years ago, and the youngest leaves it soon. I have friends from outside school. But I often wonder why I didn't make any mum friends! I've had hundreds of play dates, where they drop and run. Got one today! But never a mum. I've accepted that the social circle at school is too clicky and I simply do not fit in. Don't worry. Bound to meet another mum with autism too, at some point and you'll be glad to find each other.

Hi OP,

A lot of NT people still don’t have much understanding of autism past the stereotypes, so no, I don’t think it would necessarily help until you got to know them a bit better.

I find this kind of thing difficult too, but I’ve slowly made some playdate connections (my child is 4 so still at nursery) - I actually met a mum at an event my kid went to and she recognised another nursery child at, so I got talking to the mum.
Does your child attend a club or Beavers/Cubs? Cos that could be a way to find playdates outside of school and find some new connections. My advice would be to see it as networking rather than looking for new friends.

I think most people are really keen to make connections for their kids sake so please just keep trying, but I would advise trying with another mum?
Don’t take it personally if you get a non committal response or a no, NT ppl are ‘weird’ too 😂
Almost everyone, NT included, finds playground politics awkward!

perhaps wear a subtle sign, to indicate you’re ND without having to have the conversation.

there are some very subtle t-shirts like this one attached which gently allow them to infer what’s going on with you without being in your face or explicit.

Of course I’m being a bit lighthearted here, this shirt is anything but subtle. There’s a dad at my daughter’s drama class who wears a genuinely subtle autism t-shirt.

I’m ND too by the way, I probably look quite weird because I usually wear clothes I find comfortable but which are a bit odd and definitely not in the gamut of what other parents wear. I have given up trying to act “normal” at all.