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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell other parents that I'm autistic?

140 replies

QuertyGirl · 03/02/2023 10:17

I'm that weird, scruffy parent at school. It's not going to change.

I'm starting to wonder if some parents (my sons best friends mum and others) are actively avoiding play dates with my son, due to me.

He is NT, popular, healthy and happy. We even have a nice house in a decent area (I know some people can be funny about that).

So, would it help if I told people? I don't generally because it's nobody else's business and most peoples opinion about me isn't relevant to me. This isn't about me though!

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 04/02/2023 13:53

I wouldn't. The ones who are horrible will use it as an excuse to be nasty and the lovely ones won't care and possibly already guessed anyway.

Dacadactyl · 04/02/2023 14:32

@P0ppy8557 I am surprised you think my post was nasty because it wasn't my intention.

The school run is (and has never been) a catwalk for me! And I certainly look a state there most days now. However, in the early days, i did make an effort. People are deluding themselves if they don't think other people will notice. That may not matter to you, but it did to me (and potentially OP because she is posting about it)

However I realise that I didn't answer OP's question, so perhaps you mean it sounded like a dig. I would only mention it if it naturally came up in conversation (perhaps if talking about SEN or whatever) personally.

BrightWater · 04/02/2023 14:49

@PeachyIsThinking I would have gravitated to you at the school gates Grin

stickygotstuck · 04/02/2023 16:27

Dacadactyl, I don't think your previous post was nasty as such, but it do see what PPs are getting at - it's that attitude that perpetuates people treating other people like lesser humans at the school gates.

Because - and I am not saying this is the case with you - the logical conclusion is that, if you dress up so that people don't think badly of you, it's because you do in turn think badly of people who don't dress up (although I must admit your comment about the OP's pressumed 'weirdness' did grate)

Does that make sense?

But then I am of the no fucks given persuasion. If I am not comfortable I just don't function, so don't have time to worry about what poeple think of my (fabulous 😁) dress sense.

OP in answer to your question, no, don't say anything. Unless it develops naturally in conversation later on. Just keep your eyes peeled for the nicer parents. There are always some! Maybe take DS straight to the park after school one day and mention it to one of the nicer seeming parents (don't bother with the others). Ask if they fancy joining you. And take it from there. The weather will be improving soon and will make it easier.

neurodiverge · 05/02/2023 00:54

I would appreciate someone pointing out that many people do – to some extent – notice what I'm wearing. I often don't notice the same things others do.

I enjoy chaos and disorder (sensory seeking I suppose), and am oblivious to individual nuances, so maybe sometimes I unconsciously assume everyone else is the same. It's useful being gently reminded that the average person is not like this.

Pickledprune · 05/02/2023 07:00

Don't OP. I'm autistic too(I'm 45 diagnosed 4 years ago) and so is my youngest Ds, and I once made the mistake of telling a school mum I got friends with (after a long while debating !!) Who I thought was nice who used me and who turned out to be a nasty piece of work who then gossiped to other mums about me. I've had shitty looks, heard things been said about me and my son and it just made it all the more uncomfortable to me. Thankfully I have other lots of friends and family who understand me. And this was at primary school and my boys are at secondary and I've got away from it all now. I absolutely hated the school run. Your not weird. Your beautifully Neurodiverse. Don't let anyone take advantage of you or treat you badly xxxx

Pickledprune · 05/02/2023 07:01

Oh and I'm hippy looking crazy hair colour that kind of mum lol

HeadNorth · 05/02/2023 07:04

It's useful being gently reminded that the average person is not like this.

There is no such thing as an average person. You'll be telling us you're an empath next

ItsNotReallyChaos · 05/02/2023 07:15

When on the school run at a new school I actually cast my eye around for the parents who aren't wearing make up and don't have perfect hair/clothes and I gravitate towards them.

None of my good friends wear make up during the day as it happens.

Original poster
QuertyGirl · 05/02/2023 09:54

Pickledprune · 05/02/2023 07:00

Don't OP. I'm autistic too(I'm 45 diagnosed 4 years ago) and so is my youngest Ds, and I once made the mistake of telling a school mum I got friends with (after a long while debating !!) Who I thought was nice who used me and who turned out to be a nasty piece of work who then gossiped to other mums about me. I've had shitty looks, heard things been said about me and my son and it just made it all the more uncomfortable to me. Thankfully I have other lots of friends and family who understand me. And this was at primary school and my boys are at secondary and I've got away from it all now. I absolutely hated the school run. Your not weird. Your beautifully Neurodiverse. Don't let anyone take advantage of you or treat you badly xxxx

Do your kids get any stick for it? I worry about that in general

OP posts:
Pickledprune · 05/02/2023 14:02

QuertyGirl · 05/02/2023 09:54

Do your kids get any stick for it? I worry about that in general

Show quote history

Do you mean for me being autistic or my son? Me no, my son yes, sadly, having issues at school (mainstream) and likely to be home edding soon

DiddyHeck · 05/02/2023 14:11

ItsNotReallyChaos · 05/02/2023 07:15

When on the school run at a new school I actually cast my eye around for the parents who aren't wearing make up and don't have perfect hair/clothes and I gravitate towards them.

None of my good friends wear make up during the day as it happens.

Why?

DuplicateUserName · 05/02/2023 14:13

Sorry, my 'why' was why do you look for women who aren't wearing makeup etc?

Cuppasoupmonster · 05/02/2023 15:04

I do associate being presentable with good attributes such as being capable, reliable and switched on. Perhaps it’s wrong of me but I just do - if somebody was scruffy or dirty looking I would assume their house/food was the same.

neurodiverge · 05/02/2023 21:47

HeadNorth · 05/02/2023 07:04

It's useful being gently reminded that the average person is not like this.

There is no such thing as an average person. You'll be telling us you're an empath next

I have ADHD. You'll be telling us you're a clinical psychiatrist next.

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