To tell other parents that I'm autistic?

[QuertyGirl]

I'm that weird, scruffy parent at school. It's not going to change.

I'm starting to wonder if some parents (my sons best friends mum and others) are actively avoiding play dates with my son, due to me.

He is NT, popular, healthy and happy. We even have a nice house in a decent area (I know some people can be funny about that).

So, would it help if I told people? I don't generally because it's nobody else's business and most peoples opinion about me isn't relevant to me. This isn't about me though!

What things do you think other parents would consider “weird” about you? That might help inform the best path.

I wouldn’t. The reason I say this is because my DH blurted out something similar to the parents at my DCs school and it actually made things worse. It depends on the parents. The fact you say you feel judged by them already suggests to me they may be similar to the parents at my DCs school.

This was my concern.

Honestly, just want my son to be able to play with a mate for an hour after school. Can't we just let them get on with it?

I cannot be arsed with all this social minefield shit!

You don't have to get involved in any minefield . You haven't answered some pp questions of course you don't have to but maybe you need to try and get to know the mums a bit better if you want someone over to play.

Maybe wait till its better weather suggest the park or something ,but I don't think kids "need " play dates if your son Is happy then maybe leave it for now. Does he go to cubs or anything after school?

I also don’t think they need to have play dates, maybe invite parents to the park after school rather than to your house? Or just go to the park after school and you will probably find some of his class mates there and he can play with them, maybe they just don’t want a child going to the house of a parent they don’t know so park is better in that case…

I am a recently diagnosed mum and I am following thie thread with great interest. Many thanks to NT and ND posters for taking the time to share thoughts and experiences. Thanks to OP for asking the question!

I'm autistic and share it on a need to know basis. I don't think I would share it in your circumstances unless it came up in conversation. If someone doesn't want to know me because I appear weird or different, they aren't someone I'd want to know either.

I can relate to the desire to tell people. For about the first year after being diagnosed, I was seeing my whole life through this new lens and it sort of coloured everything, I probably fixated on it a bit. Also, a tendency to overshare is common in autism - the not being quite sure where to draw the line between ‘info they actually need for full context’ and ‘personal/private’.

now I don’t mention my diagnosis unless directly relevant - it doesn’t need to come out to justify what I’m like or satisfy others’ curiosity. People who are familiar with autism can usually clock it pretty quickly. I will tell people who politely ask. Those that can’t tell and don’t ask, I’m comfortable with being ‘weird’. It’s not a bad thing to be.

I would but then I tell everyone that I'm autistic 😂 I spent so much of my life not understanding why I was so different to everyone else that now that I have a reason I am very confident about talking about it. I know not everyone feels the same of course.

If someone shuns you because you're "scruffy" I doubt they're suddenly going to be your friend if you're now "scruffy because of autism". If it was about how you communicate with them then maybe sharing your diagnosis would be a first step towards a friendship but if you don't feel that's where it's going then I wouldn't bother.

I tell people but only once I know them well enough. It's a need to know basis. I don't just blurt it out randomly to people I don't know.

I would probably not send my kids to the house of a mom or dad who came across as scruffy or weird upon casual contact. I don't know what a scruffy and weird presentation at at school gate means in terms of what happens within their home. If I can see that mom or dad struggle to manage basic hygiene or grooming, how does that translate into the state of their house and their ability to provide a safe clean environment and food? If their social interactions or mannerisms come across as awkward or weird, how does that translate into what happens in terms of interactions or dynamics or supervision inside the house?

There are just too many unknowns to me if I see dad or mom at the gate and he or she is scruffy and 'weird'. Part of protecting my kids is not ignoring the unknowns or flags or cues that there could be risks.

I would be more open to a play date at a park or a public place where I can also be present. I would not leave my kids unsupervised with a man or woman that I didn't know (generally) and would be even less likely to do so with someone whose impression is scruffy and weird. I might even assume you did have autism or a mental illness but I still wouldn't know how that translates into the environment of your home and what it would mean for my kids in terms of any risks.

I'm autistic, as is DD2 (and we suspect DD1). I was shunned on the playground before I was diagnosed and I was still shunned on the playground by the same group of parents AFTER I was diagnosed - if they're ignorant fuckwits they're always going to be ignorant fuckwits unfortunately - we ended up moving schools for various reasons but this particular coven were determined to micromanage their kids' friendships and actively encouraged bullying towards my kid. OK fine, people are friends with people they want to be, and even fine, they want to arrange playdates with parents they get along with... but encouraging kids to overspill this into school was just shitty.

I'm pretty laid back - DD1's current bestie is a family that really do not live the most conventional and organised lives and usually look beyond scruffy (think slightly less kids version of the Radfords). Yep, it's not the friendship I would have chosen for her, but however they live, their parents clearly love their kids and the friend is a nice girl, bit rough round the edges but she stands up to DD's nonsense and tells her to shut up when she's talking crap which is what DD needs. Her other bestie (they moved away) is from a military family (unfortunately redeployed away from the area) so again - not the most refined family in the world but a bloody good laugh and good mates of mine.

I'm open about being autistic - that's just because I want to break the stigma down and I don't give a shit about people knowing, but it's never facilitated or blocked school gate interaction.

Thats a shame that happened to you and your DC but doesn’t seem to be the case for the op though she said her child is popular

I'm autistic and tell almost nobody about it. I would think it would be equally likely that the parents would view you with suspicion because you are autistic because people have so many misconceptions about it.

It won’t make any difference.

I'm not autistic and I'm always in a rush, never perfectly turned out, often have to scrape hair back and not brush. I don't like chatting to people and prefer my own company. NT as far as I'm aware. I wouldn't worry about it. It's nobody's business and people who might have avoided you based on shallow ideals aren't the type of people whose company I'd want to keep.

No I wouldn’t. My DS is autistic and I don’t know, it doesn’t sit well with me if it’s used as a way of excusing / explaining, as that is setting up as many judgements the other way i.e. it’s not OK to be X or Y unless you have a diagnosis, or that a diagnosis means that then people should be friends in a rather patronising ‘be nice to the diagnosed person’ way. For things like Tourette’s I get that, which my DS also has, he will need to tell others.

So what if you are scruffy? It may well not be the reason. If I were you OP I’d just extend invitations to them, go up and chat and just breeze through. Your son will see that and appreciate it. Some people will take you up on invitations and chats, some won’t, that’s their choice. But believe me you will make some connections.

Honestly. Do you want an honest answer?Not just rhe politically correct others are giving?

because the truth is, at this age, it depends on how “weird and and scruffy”, and until my kid was old enough to care for themselves, I’d want to know the parent was responsible.

You describe yourself as weird and scruffy. I don’t know what that means. Do you resemble a homeless person, what is weird…do you shout random stuff, are randomly aggressive? I don’t know what weird and scruffy means, but I know rhe definition of that will dictate if I let you look after my young child.

Can you give us a bit of context OP? Are your offers being turned down or does he just not get offers?How does your "scruffiness" present?

How many different DC have you invited? With my DS we've had 2 friends who kept saying no in FYOS so we've stopped inviting. This year we've had more luck and other kids whose parents have jumped at the chance. The later is more now though when DC are a little older 7+ and parents can just drop them. Youngest DS FYOS has tried to invite a few friends and 2 out of the 3 didn't even respond to written invite with a no. I think it is harder because I don't know any of the parents in his cohort. Once they get a little older it will become more the norm to drop off and this tends to open playdates up beyond school gate friends.

If someone is judgemental telling them you're Autistic may do the opposite of what you intend. I don't tend to tell other parents that I'm sick and can't deal with people and that's why I'm sitting quietly off on my own. I think it would sound strange going there if there wasn't a natural lead in in the conversation.

Hmm, I think it’s tricky. I know you say you just want your son to play and ‘can’t be arsed’ with the social side, but that may be the problem. The only reason I said yes to play dates was to have a bit of socialisation! So it wasn’t that I’d see other mums as ‘weird’ or that I’d be mean to them, but if a mum was open about the fact that she didn’t want to chat to me or anything I’d probably choose to have a play date with someone else so I could have a chat/make friends. So I think it’s hard.

I think kids seeing their parents socialise is really beneficial too, and it might make life easier for you to have ‘parent friends’ to call on in future.

Define scruffy?

As for scruffy, I presume you mean clean and normally presented but not fancy/super done up, in which case that would make no real difference to me. If you mean dirty or unkempt then if I’m honest I wouldn’t feel great.

I did that, and they didn't believe me because I've learned to mask so well.