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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone else afraid of breastfeeding?

156 replies

flawless29 · 02/02/2023 11:28

I faced a difficult decision at week 34 of pregnancy, after investing hours researching and thinking about breastfeeding. Initially, I felt strongly that I did not want to breastfeed, which may seem immature, but it was my genuine and honest feeling.

I spoke with my midwife about the benefits of breastfeeding for both me and my baby. Logically this made perfect sense to me. Yet emotionally, thought of breastfeeding made me feel awkward and shy – so much so that I didn't even want anyone else in the room when feeding.

On the other hand, formula-feeding came with its own worries such as not being able to provide the best nutrition for my baby or missing out on certain experiences only available through breastfeeding.

The majority of my family is preoccupied with work or school making it hard for me to discuss this difficult decision with someone close by. Feeling isolated, I wondered if I was too selfish if I decided not to breastfeed and go for formula-milk instead?

OP posts:
StopGrowingPlease · 02/02/2023 12:37

BrokenButNotFinished · 02/02/2023 12:30

Not sure what these 'forever chemicals' are supposed to be. There is some evidence re dioxins, but overall breastfeeding is still thought to be better for the infant than formula.
I surprised myself when feeding mine. We had a shaky start, but having established feeding, I didn't see a reason to stop. Objectively, if I were making the choice again, the thing which would swing it for me is the dynamic relationship it provides re immunity: the infant gets infected with something, s/he passes it to you through the nipple, you generate antibodies and pass it back to them in the milk. They will obviously have some temporary immunity from you for a while, but when my younger one was exposed to chicken pox soon after birth (at a gathering where there were a number of new babies and older siblings of c2 years old), she was about the only one who didn't catch it. Neither, actually, did my older child, who was also still feeding. With higher levels of certain illnesses (typically of childhood) around these days - measles, whooping cough etc - that might be a consideration. Choosing bf in those circumstances is hardly the unselfish choice.
It's not clear where you are in your pregnancy now, but if you do go the breastfeeding route, I found kellymom.com to be very helpful. I haven't looked at it in ages, but it outlined when to expect cluster feeding - which was possibly the most useful piece of information anyone gave me.
Whatever your choice, it has to be the one you are comfortable with and that you will look on without regret or self-recrimination. Good luck.

I just had hand foot and mouth and my 17 month old didn't get it and we're still breastfeeding ♥️

NowThatIThink · 02/02/2023 12:43

I think you should give it a go if you can try it without wrecking your own head. My supply never came in, and that was very difficult in its own way. If you can't or won't, don't beat yourself up, but be prepared for some snotty remarks. This may depend on where you live, but I was taken aback and actually quite upset by some hostile remarks from total strangers -- I was in north London, where it appeared no one but me had ever FF in Gail's.

Sugarfree23 · 02/02/2023 12:43

Op bottles scare me! 😱
They scare the crap out of me, the guessing on when to boil the kettle, has it cooled enough, has it been cooled too long. What the heck do you do when your out?

BF is tough for the first few weeks, but if you make it to 6 weeks you'll never need to worry about bottles.
It's also a good excuse not to have baby going on babysitting ventures.

Geranium1984 · 02/02/2023 12:45

Honestly just do what you think will suit you.

I've got a toddler, I bf him till 12mo and desperately tried to introduce a bottle so dh could do a night feed or allow me away from the baby a bit, but he wouldn't take the bottle. My son got very attached to my boobs and needed feeding to resettle during the night and naps.

We now have dd 3mo, I am keen to bf her but phase in a bottle more and more .... she's not taking it either 😭 I am trying my best to get her to sleep with rocking etc but she is getting keener and keener on the boob and always fights to climb down my body when I'm trying to settle her.

I'm feeling very trapped and sad I can't spend much time with my toddler. But at the same time pleased that both have benefitted nutritionally from breast milk. I wish I could combi feed!

Perfect28 · 02/02/2023 12:49

The evidence for breast being best isn't shaky, the science is clear. But do what you think is best for you.

Mitfordian · 02/02/2023 12:56

You can give colostrum via syringe. There is evidence for the benefits of this. After that point, sibling studies confirm only marginal benefit (Ignore the Breastapo and look at the data) so do what feels best. I would say it's worth giving it ago and making a decision after that.

Notsurenotquiteright · 02/02/2023 12:58

I was adamant I was formula feeding, I had a list of reasons but the biggest one was I didn’t want to get my boobs out in public.
id bought bottles, steriliser etc and then my baby was born and all I wanted to do was breastfeed her.
I have always been shy and self conscious about my body but breastfeeding released some of this for me.
don’t get me wrong the first few weeks while we we’re learning and adjusting I didn’t feed outside or infront of anyone but my partner.
but after a few weeks I felt more confident and was able to be discreet.
my daughter is 15 months and I still breastfeed.

BertieBotts · 02/02/2023 13:01

It's not true that there is only marginal benefit/that formula is "just as good now" - this is complete nonsense.

But, feeding is such a small part of a baby's life and formula is a safe and affordable alternative for most UK mums.

Is there a big difference between breastmilk and formula - yes.
Does it make a big difference to mums and babies - well, in the grand scheme of things, no. Not enough to feel guilty about. Bottle feeding by choice is totally valid, if you see benefits in bottle feeding, those probably outweigh any downsides.

But that doesn't mean that proper breastfeeding support and info isn't important - breastfeeding ought to be able to be a valid choice too. We don't need to get into a fight about it.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 02/02/2023 13:02

Mitfordian · 02/02/2023 12:56

You can give colostrum via syringe. There is evidence for the benefits of this. After that point, sibling studies confirm only marginal benefit (Ignore the Breastapo and look at the data) so do what feels best. I would say it's worth giving it ago and making a decision after that.

Just to say f off with your 'breastapo'. It's that kind of offensive and polarising language which makes this discussion so heated and unpleasant and antagonistic for mothers when it really, really doesn't have to be.

GreaterStickle · 02/02/2023 13:08

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TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 02/02/2023 13:09

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 02/02/2023 13:02

Just to say f off with your 'breastapo'. It's that kind of offensive and polarising language which makes this discussion so heated and unpleasant and antagonistic for mothers when it really, really doesn't have to be.

Show quote history

I agree.

Its even more offensive to suggest that milk made for a completely different species is close to breast milk literally made for humans.

Why can’t we just acknowledge that breastfeeding has more benefits but it’s ok not to breastfeed if you don’t want to? Rather than lying to other women about this ‘marginally better’ bullshit.

Still waiting to hear what ‘forever chemicals’ are.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 02/02/2023 13:11

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Oh do shut up. So so unhelpful, both to the OP and to the discussion more widely.

takealettermsjones · 02/02/2023 13:13

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🙄

GreaterStickle · 02/02/2023 13:15

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 02/02/2023 13:11

Oh do shut up. So so unhelpful, both to the OP and to the discussion more widely.

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Make whatever choice you want, but at least own it.

secretllama · 02/02/2023 13:17

cheatingcrackers · 02/02/2023 11:43

I would always always encourage women to give breastfeeding a try. The evidence base, particularly for colostrum (that’s the very thick yellow liquid you produce in the first three days), is not shaky, though a lot of press has been made of fairly poor research. Breastfeeding is also better for the mother’s health (assuming all goes well).

Then there are the financial and environmental impacts of formula feeding. Obviously if bf doesn’t work out then ff is there as a back up, but extreme circumstances aside I don’t really know why a woman wouldn’t at least try feeding her baby in the natural, cheapest, healthiest way.

I didn't try breastfeeding at all for either of mine. There's plenty of reasons why.... the fact that dad can help out, better mental health for me not feeding every hour in the night, and the fact I'd read threads and threads of people struggling with pain/latching to name a few. Also, you can't look at kids when older and notice any difference between BF and FF so the benefits are negligible in my opinion.

Sugarfree23 · 02/02/2023 13:19

Op thinking more clearly. I'm deadly serious that bottles scared me. 😱 Which is the opposite to your fear.

But you know what having your baby 👶 in your arms is the most amazing feeling, they are robust wee creatures, the will survive as long as you feed them. Do what suits you, give breast a go but if it's not for you then switch.

The important bit is enjoy those tiny newborn days because before you know it they are crawling around and the babies days are gone!

FourFour · 02/02/2023 13:24

I have a newborn and we tried at first but it was just too hard for me. I couldn't bear the pumping and the whole faff of combo feeding, and not to mention it being solely down to me to feed on top of sleep deprivation. We are now FF and I'm so much more relieved that I am, not one medical person has questioned my decision except pushy midwife's and HV and I firmly told them it was my decision.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 02/02/2023 13:24

GreaterStickle · 02/02/2023 13:15

Make whatever choice you want, but at least own it.

Show quote history

It's not that simple, as anyone who wasn't frankly a bit simple would understand. There are so many factors at play. And do you really think that for women who want to breastfeed/are breastfeeding but may find it daunting or challenging, may need informed support - do you think the idea that the only people who will support them to do so have this kind of rigid, do-or-die callousness about them is going to encourage them to seek out help? Or make them feel weak and pathetic and judged, meaning they never reach out and never get that information and help?

honestly if you think you're a breastfeeding advocate you're a damn fool.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 02/02/2023 13:30

Sugarfree23 · 02/02/2023 13:19

Op thinking more clearly. I'm deadly serious that bottles scared me. 😱 Which is the opposite to your fear.

But you know what having your baby 👶 in your arms is the most amazing feeling, they are robust wee creatures, the will survive as long as you feed them. Do what suits you, give breast a go but if it's not for you then switch.

The important bit is enjoy those tiny newborn days because before you know it they are crawling around and the babies days are gone!

I will say I fucking HATED bottle feeding - all the paraphernalia, washing up, sterilising, having to think about it all the time when I wanted to go out, always worrying if I was using the 'right' bottle, teat etc (I imagine if i had needed to use formula then worrying about the type of formula, prepping properly etc would have happened too!). I think too often it is set up as an opposition of bf being 'hard' and bottle feeding being 'easy' - totally depends on what kind of person you are and your body and your baby which will seem easier for you.

Twinlife2 · 02/02/2023 13:31

I expressed as I found juggling 2 babies to bf was hard going. Sometimes they had my milk and sometimes formula. It worked for us and I felt like it was a happy compromise - they had the best of both worlds.
You've got to do what feels right for you.

AllOutofEverything · 02/02/2023 13:37

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen I accept that was your experience but it flumoxes me when someone says this and I always wonder what they are doing. I found no more difficult than making a cup of tea or making a flask up to take out.

CrotchetyQuaver · 02/02/2023 13:37

The best thing is to try it and see how you get on.

qpmz · 02/02/2023 13:37

I'd say stock up on a few cartons of instant formula and have sterilised bottles at the ready. Maybe give breastfeeding a go even if it's a bit of colostrum in the first days. If it doesn't work and you're not happy get the formula out. I combi fed so tried both.

Beseen22 · 02/02/2023 13:38

The main reason I bf was entirely selfish. I love not having periods and can get a good 2 years off with pregnancy and breastfeeding. Plus all that time without periods is reducing my risk of breast and ovarian cancers.

My SIL felt very similar to you, she was always taking herself to the bedroom to feed and found she was just not able to enjoy her baby being stuck in her room all the time. I expressed for my second and while a bit faffy I really did like bottle feeding, being able to hand him off, knowing how much he was taking and getting half an hour 4 x day to sit and do nothing while I pumped.

It seems like the biggest thing in the world when your baby is so little but as soon as they are weaned no one cares

Sleepless1096 · 02/02/2023 13:41

stargirl1701 · 02/02/2023 12:15

It can often depend on the baby, OP.

DD1 struggled to bf. I had no family who had bf and only NHS support so it was very challenging. She was later diagnosed with sensory processing disorder and autism so these may have been factors. She also struggled with bottle feeding formula milk.

DD2 breastfed like a baby who knew what to do from her first minute in the world. The only challenge we had was oversupply and recurrent blocked ducts. I had LLL support and an IBCLC second time around which made every issue surmountable. She weaned at natural term at nearly 6 years old.

It was like this for me too. Huge trouble with DC1 - we did get there in the end but it was actually blood, sweat and tears (and in hindsight not worth it!). But DC2 just came out knowing she wanted and how to get it so I just went with that. I can totally understand not wanting to breastfeed out and about though... I do take a bottle for DC2 if I'm going somewhere I'd really rather not (which happens a fair amount if I'm taking DC1 places).