To think my 16 year old son should not be able to date someone in their late 20’s?????

[Gosling876]

Recently dealing with a nasty piece of work who is molesting what is literally a child. Man in his late 20’s pursuing and successfully now dating my teenage son who is in SCHOOL and being subjected to a relationship with a man in late 20s. DS is far too young to consent to this kind of relationship and it’s completely ick factor. Sister told me that age gaps are common in same sex relationships and quoted various celebrity examples. Again doesn’t make it any less disgusting.

how do I stop this adult man stop meeting my child? My son wants to sleep over his house which is out of order and I’m really interested in whether social services would want to know and any advice anyone has on how to deal with this predator.

What does a grown man see in a 16 year old child?
😑
What do you think?

I would not like it either OP. It's very icky but not illegal and unless your son met him when he was under 16 there is not a jot you can do about it. I think be pragmatic, look at the big picture and give your son the space to learn by his own mistakes and be there for him when the inevitable break up happens.

He's 16, which means this is all entirely legal. Social services won't do anything. Is it moral? I was with a guy who was much older than me when I was 17 (more of an age gap than what you've presented). The age of consent then was 18. I would've been absolutely pissed off if my mum had intervened. She made it clear he could not stay at our home, but she never stopped me from doing what I wanted.

He broke my heart, and I ended it there and then. I was 18 at that point.

My point is, I made my own decisions, and my mum supported me through it all. If she'd have said 'No', I'd have rebelled and done it anyway. She always knew where I was and what I was doing, she knew she couldn't stop me.

16 is a legal age to have consensual sex, no matter how much older the other person is. Morally, you might be justified in your disgust, but being disgusted will not help your relationship with your DS.

Why do I seem to be hearing more and more about predatory gay men targeting 16-18yo boys? What’s going on?!

Speak to the police. That is too wide an age.gap.

I've abstained from voting because I don't think you are being unreasonable, but it's what you take from the comments. Be there for your son who is legally allowed to have sex with anyone 16+

@TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl There is more open homophobia. That is why you hear about it.
Some men, gay, straight and bi have always targeted younger girls and lads. Nothing has changed.

@SammyScrounge maybe look at the law.

If the son is clearly consenting the police will not care. It is perfectly legal.

I see threads like this all the time about young girls with much older men and Mumsnet is outraged. But make it an LGBT thread and everyone loses their perspective in a rush to be seen as ultra progressive.

This is inappropriate. It is a fetishised dynamic in gay relationships (look at Tom Daley) but that doesn't make it ok. Your son is vastly inexperienced compared to this man and these formative experiences might affect him for the rest of his life.

I think all you can do is all any of us can do. Guide, give advice on healthy relationships, safe sex and be there to pick up the pieces when necessary.

I'll have to disagree with you @IdisagreeMrHochhauser. I haven't read all the comments, but some are extremely homophobic. I mean calling paedophile when talking about 2 male, consenting adults?

I also disagree with your second paragraph. Tom Daley is well into his 20s now, and he was 23 when they wed. His husband is now 48. He is 28. I don't think that is ridiculous, and I'm not fetishising anything.

Totally agree with your 3rd paragraph though.

Well yes, he could quite well be doing those things - the age gap is a power imbalance. It’s quite possible that being in a relationship like this will isolate the 16 year old and prevent them from doing the healthy things you would hope they would do in relation to education and socialising and activities with people of a similar age.

The teenagers probably up for a relationship just as much.😀
The smile says it all 😢
It cannot BE a relationship, or at least not one that is healthy and positive. An adult preying on a child never is.
You can joke, you can dismiss but it doesn't change the fact that a grown adult seeking a teen is doing so for one reason only. And they are VERY good at making the teen believe how 'special' they are.

So yeah, I'm sure the teen is probably 'up for it' likely based on established patterns by the 'older' party. Especially if the teen has been short changed by a parent to believe that 'age is just a number' resulting in a lack of self respect and common sense to know any different 🤷‍♀️

That’s not entirely true. The police do get involved at times when a young adult is potentially in a coercive situation.

Yes it’s creepy. Sadly the teen might not realise until they’re older to what level they were groomed or coerced. This can be traumatic for the rest of their lives. So adults leering about it make me sick.

I dint think the op sounds uncomfortable with her ds sexuality. They mentioned it because she says apparently it's more accepted in gay circles because quite rightly, most people would be appalled at a 28 year old man dating a 16 year old girl wouldn't you say?

Real double standard though, no one would say this to a parent of daughters.

Unfortunately this is a common pattern in specifically homosexual male relationships. And it perpetuates itself (older man was in such a relationship when a boy, so he thinks it’s ok to do it to others).

Whenever someone from the gay community tries to talk about it, he’s immediately shot down as having internalised homophobia or some other such nonsense

I'll have to disagree with you @IdisagreeMrHochhauser. I haven't read all the comments, but some are extremely homophobic. I mean calling paedophile when talking about 2 male, consenting adults?

But only one of them is an adult, the other is a minor, a child. That’s the whole point. It would be equally inappropriate if they were both female or a woman in her late 20s and a 16 year old boy.

Are you for fucking real?

OP, YADNBU
You must be so worried. The man's a paedo, as far as I'm concerned.

I'm not the OP, but there's no way I'd be comfortable with my 16 yr old having an adult relationship with someone in their late 29s of either sex, sexualiryv would have nothing to do with it
Ok "technically" they're old enough and there'd probably not a lot I could do about it but 16 is still school age.

@MakingTheVeganYorkshirePud

I haven't read all the comments, but some are extremely homophobic. I mean calling paedophile when talking about 2 male, consenting adults?

One is and adult. The other is legally a child.

I would definitely be making a safeguarding referral regarding this (sg children big part of my job). He is over the age of consent but is still a child and safeguarding would definitely be interested. You're not being unreasonable, obviously OP

It must be very worrying, I teach 21 year olds and they seem so young and naive. I think anyone who 'dates' a 16 year old is warped.

I don't think there is much you can do though apart from emphasise safe sex, discuss how grooming works and that you are there for him whatever happens.

You could go the opposite way, invite the older man over for dinner, welcome him into the family, invite him to ALL the family events and to meet aunt Maud. That will scare him off more than anything else no doubt!

If it was a giro of 16 and a man if 29 it would also be grim!
Completely understand your feelings op. I'm not sure what you can do. Keep talking to your boy. Don't make him feel judged. I wonder if the safeguarding team at his school might be helpful to give advice?