To think my 16 year old son should not be able to date someone in their late 20’s?????

[Gosling876]

Recently dealing with a nasty piece of work who is molesting what is literally a child. Man in his late 20’s pursuing and successfully now dating my teenage son who is in SCHOOL and being subjected to a relationship with a man in late 20s. DS is far too young to consent to this kind of relationship and it’s completely ick factor. Sister told me that age gaps are common in same sex relationships and quoted various celebrity examples. Again doesn’t make it any less disgusting.

how do I stop this adult man stop meeting my child? My son wants to sleep over his house which is out of order and I’m really interested in whether social services would want to know and any advice anyone has on how to deal with this predator.

Some very odd and worrying attitudes towards this. It would be very different if it was a 16 year old girl and man in late twenties. Comments would be very different.

It's not normal and it's not safe or healthy. He wouldn't be around for very long if that was my child.

When I went out with anyone my mum considered unsuitable ( she was entirely correct as they were often absolute tossers) she would simply invite them round for a meal with my family.The conventionality of my very middle class family generally killed off any 'dangerous and rebellious' frisson that I had in my head or ruined their image of themselves as a wild maverick breaking down societies norms.Just welcome this older man in Op. It'll be dead in the water shortly afterwards.

I remember the men in late 20s with cars who used to hang around my secondary school to pick their "girlfriends" who were aged 14.

We thought it was cool at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight the men were absolute predatory creeps.

The problem is that the OP’s son is not an adult. If he was 20 and his boyfriend 32 it would be different. Can you not see how inappropriate it is? Would you be fine with a 28 year old man dating a 16 year old girl?

If she was happy yes, it's how the relationship is not the age.
It does no good to try and ban it anyway dosent work.

I mean he's old enough to choose who to get involved with. It won't last and he'll probably look back on it as a "phase" but you need to let go.

No it would not. It is wrong either way, but it is legal. That affects how you approach it as a parent.
But the first thing OP needs to do is ditch the blatant homophobia. Her son si going to ignore everything she says until she does.

It's awful OP.

I say this as someone who dated a twenty seven year old when I was sixteen and later married him.

My parents were bereft and kicked up an awful stink about it. So I moved in with him aged seventeen.
Don't make the same mistake. Be very blasé. Even if you are incandescent with rage act as if this is of no consequence to you, as if it is a fling that will blow over. Hopefully it will.

I’ll call it what it bloody is. Pedophillia.

You need to be a bit more careful maybe? If anyone is in danger of breaking the law then it's you. You can't go making very serious accusations like that when they are clearly wrong.

I get where you're coming from OP as it is a large age gap and is off, but as others have said realistically there is not much that can be done by the authorities. I think the best thing you can do is be there for your son and make sure he knows and feels comfortable talking to you about anything.

It is in no way paedophilia though. Paedophilia is a specific attraction to pre-pubescent children. Not to sexually mature teenagers above the age of consent. I think you need to be very careful throwing that word around because it could have disastrous consequences in real life for everyone concerned.

It's grim, imagine if it was a young girl.
I wonder why age gaps are common with gay men.

Sorry your being accused of homophobia, I’m sure if your 16 year old daughter was groomed by someone in their late 20’s and you were told about a straight version of twinkies, cubs, bears (which aren’t normally children still at school i should add) you would feel exactly the same. I don’t have any advice. I know there’s websites out there about grooming though, it’s hard when they have crossed the age of legal consent but there should be some advice for parents still on grooming if you search. Ignore the homophobia comments assuming you would be ok with him being in a same sex relationship with another school boy

So the same man was 18, 23, then 28? Do you think you son lied ( bc he knew you wouldn’t like it) or the older man lied about his age?
I think if you’re concerned about grooming, and I can understand that, can you speak to someone at ds school? Or contact SS or NSPCC just to talk it through and find your options?
Id be concerned about my 16 year old child staying overnight with a much older “partner” for want of a better word. How much does your son know about him and how long has he known him ?

@DaisyDreaming But she is being homophobic. All this - my sister tells me this is what lots of gay relationships are like with perversions and fetishes.

The truth is there are gay and straight men who are attracted to younger adults because of power differentials. That is not okay, but it is legal.

And if you are serious about this OP, do not push your son into moving out and into his house. This will prolong the relationship.

I wouldn't be happy about this either. Just the same as I wouldn't be happy with my 16 year old daughter dating a man or woman in their late 20's. It is sickening that it is still legal. I definitely remember it being very common amongst my gay friends (men only) when I was a teen/early 20's, and I'm surprised it is still normalised.

Don’t be so bloody ridiculous, I’m sure the OP would
be just as concerned if her son was dating a much older woman.

I was groomed by a 33 year old man when I was 14. It didn't end well.

Yanbu.

The older guy is disgusting. How can it be legal to be able to submit to sex yet not legal to drink a beer at this age??

You've had some really unhelpful comments on here but you're right that this isn't okay - child sexual exploitation can apply to anyone under 18 regardless of the age of consent:

www.barnardos.org.uk/what-we-do/protecting-children/cse

Please contact social services who can give you further advice (Google the number for the MASH team at your local council)

Bloody hell OP that is disgusting. I really feel for you, I can only imagine how you'd feel.
What on earth has got him to this point?

Anyone justifying this as ok is very wrong. And it's an insult to all the young teenagers who have been groomed and taken advantage of by much older partners.

It is not acceptable.

You're right to be concerned. Being pragmatic, perhaps the best thing you could do would be to advise him to pop into the local sexual health clinic. It's a pretty standard thing to do for young gay men. There he would be offered STI screening, vaccinations and pre-exposure prophylaxis for HIV and he'll also get a safeguarding assessment at his age. If it comes to light about the older partner, the clinic is likely to be able to signpost to further support and information, to refer into childrens services if they are concerned and sometimes, by working with social services, they may hold info on older predatory people who are known to police/social services/health etc. This way your son gets the health input he needs and someone else - not you - can give him the advice and support he definitely needs in relation to the age gap. Anyone under 18 who reports an age gap over 4 years will have a more detailed assessment as statistically, it is a risk factor for sexual exploitation.

The MASH team would investigate things like sexual exploitation. If this is consensual relationship they will not be interested. And yes they behave the same with a 16 year old girl and much older man.

@AllOutofEverything It's an area I work in and the MASH team would certainly look into it if it involves a child, which OP's son is. Sexual exploitation can appear consensual but isn't if there's an imbalance of power - i.e an adult dating a school child. It's something that crops up often and they should as a minimum give advice on handling the situation.

There was a thread quite recently where it was someone’s 16 year old son and an older woman he had gone to live with.
As I remember there were a few things the mother could do though not a lot. I’ll try to find it.

Did he meet this man before he was 16? If so it could be legally said he was groomed.

I sympathise with your horror and worry for your son. That other man sounds as though he is a predatory incubus in my opinion. This will create complete disruption in your son’s life while he is still a child, and he has no way of realising this man’s real character as he is too far removed from him in age.

Has your son said anything about what he is like or what he does? Is your son in love?

Does this man say he loves him?