To think my 16 year old son should not be able to date someone in their late 20’s?????

[Gosling876]

Recently dealing with a nasty piece of work who is molesting what is literally a child. Man in his late 20’s pursuing and successfully now dating my teenage son who is in SCHOOL and being subjected to a relationship with a man in late 20s. DS is far too young to consent to this kind of relationship and it’s completely ick factor. Sister told me that age gaps are common in same sex relationships and quoted various celebrity examples. Again doesn’t make it any less disgusting.

how do I stop this adult man stop meeting my child? My son wants to sleep over his house which is out of order and I’m really interested in whether social services would want to know and any advice anyone has on how to deal with this predator.

I has relationships with both a 26 a s 28 year old when I was 17 and at college doing A-Levels, although TBF I didn't live at home.

Do I regret it because of their ages? No. As a parent I can imagine how awful it would be though.

I’ll call it what it bloody is. Pedophillia

It's not though, because that means attraction to a pre-pubescent child and 16 year olds aren't pre-pubescent.

I have found the thread I was referring to OP. Unfortunately the last post on the 40th page came and that was the end of the thread so it is unclear what happened.

Tou might find it useful though. There was an extremely helpful poster called @vicarinatutu who came on.

AIBU
To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

1000 replies
PurpleLampShades · 02/10/2022 17:00
I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

It's only your opinion that age gap relationships are disgusting. Dosent mean they are
No, it really does when there is a teenager involved. Someone in their late 20s seeking out a teenager knows exactly what they are doing. There is absolutely nothing special about a teen to a much older person than the potential and ability to mould them just right 🙄

Age is just a number really
Nope. Age is life experience, ability to form healthy boundaries and know what is right and what is not. Someone latching on to a teenager ensures that process is compromised. It's never the 'love story' the teenager believes it to be 🤷‍♀️

Saying you mustn't 'control' teenagers and should let them 'fall in love' with whoever they like exposes them to actually BEING controlled by these types. And I'm talking any predatory partner regardless of sexuality.

There's a new thread since then:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4677540-to-think-someone-must-be-able-to-do-something-part-two?page=1

A paedophile is someone attracted to prepubescent children. Its a very common misconception that the term incudes teens who have passed puberty.

I'm only mentioning this because I can feel you anger, upset, hurt and your natural maternal instinct is trying to protect your son - and I'd hate it for you if you met this man F2F and accused him of being a paedophile, which could sadly end up in you being the one in legal trouble.

I'm so sorry you're going through this torment; I wish I had some good advice.

That's not 100% true. When there's a power imbalance, or coercion, for example then there are things that can be done. Even if it's not from a legal perspective there are still people that may be able to help. Possibly the police, or social services. Possibly help and guidance from their educational provider.

Relationships with this age gap are illegal in many states in America.

The fact that UK law is ok with adults shagging kids more than a decade younger rhan them does not mean OP is unreasonable. It means our law on this is antiquated.

Ephebophilia is the (mostly unknown) word - attraction to mid to late teens.

Was just about to comment the same, this thread the op is dealing with a similar situation with her son and an older woman and he now lives with her and she's having a really difficult time with even having any sort of contact with him. Doesn't sound like it's at that stage yet with your son but maybe you could get in contact with this op and see if she has any advice at all? If it were me, I would be deeply concerned also and I wouldn't be encouraging it buts it's such a hard line isn't it, if you discourage enough you can effectively push them towards this person. Maybe voice your concerns and explain to him why you think it's wrong and try and encourage him that this is grooming and any normal man in their late twenties wouldn't want a relationship with a child. Good luck op, I really hope your son realises that you are only coming from a place of love and care and this relationship doesn't develop xxx

The purplelampshades thread linked by a pp also sprang to mind when I read your post @Gosling876 - it's well worth a read. I hope your situation doesn't turn into her's.

thank you; that isn't a word I'm familiar with but am familiar with the concept (though concept feeels the wrong word to use here)

all the best op

gogohmm · Yesterday 21:20
You aren't unreasonable being uncomfortable but you are thinking it can be stopped because the law isn't on your side

In the purple lampshades thread social services was able to intervene a little bit though in that case her son was living with the older woman. Another poster called vicarinatutu helped the op a lot with whom to approach and what to say.

Do you fundamentally disagree with the 16 year old having sex? Let's say you don't but you disagree with the 10 year age gap. So you fear he's being manipulated somehow into having sex. Chances are he wants to have sex and has done for some time. Why does it matter if this man 'takes his virginity' or another random lad. Is he being mean to your son? Taking money from him? Bullying him? Or is it just the sex?
Laying down the law is a sure fire way of getting him to leave home.

In your opinion.

This.

Oh yes wonderful advice tell him he's a child and that his boyfriend isn't normal.

No it really doesn’t sound like that.

I would be appalled if my 16 year old child was dating someone in their late 20’s. Wouldn’t you?

Ask the police if they can do something.

Someone in their late 20's dating a 16 year old is just disgusting and immoral. To those arguing he's not a pedophile, technically no, he's an ephebophile. But it's just as disgusting and close cousins with pedophiles.

This man is not a "boyfriend". He's grooming your son.

The police will do nothing after talking to the son.

The teenagers probably up for a relationship just as much.😀

@ScrollingLeaves In that case Social Services investigated whether there was sexual exploitation, there was concern about the lad becoming isolated from family and friends. But when he said it was consensual, SS said they could do nothing unless the son wanted support.

The key thing OP needs to be doing is ensuring she does not push her son away so he moves out and into this mans house.

Jesus of course the OP is right to be worried about exploitation of her under 18 year old by a much older man. Consent is complicated by power imbalances and this age gap is a huge power imbalance at 16 years old. This is excellent advice:

DontMissHisJowls · Yesterday 23:22
You're right to be concerned. Being pragmatic, perhaps the best thing you could do would be to advise him to pop into the local sexual health clinic. It's a pretty standard thing to do for young gay men. There he would be offered STI screening, vaccinations and pre-exposure prophylaxis for HIV and he'll also get a safeguarding assessment at his age. If it comes to light about the older partner, the clinic is likely to be able to signpost to further support and information, to refer into childrens services if they are concerned and sometimes, by working with social services, they may hold info on older predatory people who are known to police/social services/health etc. This way your son gets the health input he needs and someone else - not you - can give him the advice and support he definitely needs in relation to the age gap. Anyone under 18 who reports an age gap over 4 years will have a more detailed assessment as statistically, it is a risk factor for sexual exploitation.

@DontMissHisJowls 's advice is really good, posing it as a sexual health matter will help keep your relationship with him neutral. Sexual health workers are generally good at being non-judgmental and promoting wellbeing.