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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is not how a family should function

102 replies

CryStressBeHappy · 01/02/2023 07:18

My side of the family is all laid back and people actually communicate with each other directly but in DH’s side of the family everything goes through everyones secretary’s. I know what everyone will say, it’s my fault for marrying into a family like that, but I didn’t know that it would frustrate me this much. In my family you all just speak to each other directly (this is what I think a family should function like) but to speak to anyone in DH’s family you have to go through a secretary first. Aibu to think a family shouldn’t function like this?! It’s driving me insane, why can’t family members just speak directly to each other without everything going through a bloody secretary!

OP posts:
Itci · 01/02/2023 07:19

Is that you Harry?

4thonthe4th · 01/02/2023 07:20

Hi Megs. YABU.

Original poster
CryStressBeHappy · 01/02/2023 07:24

This was actually a serious thread!! DH’s family is actually stressing me out! And no I’m not even related to the royal family in anyway although those comments were funny

OP posts:
4thonthe4th · 01/02/2023 07:25

Why are you stressed about it? It’s just the way they do it.

UnicorseTime · 01/02/2023 07:26

They all have personal secretaries? Or linked to work? I guess if that's their job then that's how it works.

But never come across that one!

Toucan123 · 01/02/2023 07:26

What happens if you try to text/WhatsApp them? Do they ask their secretary to respond on their behalf?

Original poster
CryStressBeHappy · 01/02/2023 07:27

4thonthe4th · 01/02/2023 07:20

Hi Megs. YABU.

Lol

OP posts:
Original poster
CryStressBeHappy · 01/02/2023 07:28

UnicorseTime · 01/02/2023 07:26

They all have personal secretaries? Or linked to work? I guess if that's their job then that's how it works.

But never come across that one!

They all have personal secretaries besides 2 of them.

OP posts:
Mrshermit · 01/02/2023 07:28

Very very weird

Original poster
CryStressBeHappy · 01/02/2023 07:29

Toucan123 · 01/02/2023 07:26

What happens if you try to text/WhatsApp them? Do they ask their secretary to respond on their behalf?

Most of the time, yes, or I get a text back saying to contact x. x being there secretary.

OP posts:
Original poster
CryStressBeHappy · 01/02/2023 07:30

4thonthe4th · 01/02/2023 07:25

Why are you stressed about it? It’s just the way they do it.

Because it’s not how a family should function, it’s easier and better to actually communicate with each other directly.

OP posts:
4thonthe4th · 01/02/2023 07:31

CryStressBeHappy · 01/02/2023 07:30

Because it’s not how a family should function, it’s easier and better to actually communicate with each other directly.

Show quote history

Of course it isn’t. But they do, and there’s nothing you can do to change it so it’s not worth getting worked up over.

Mumof1andacat · 01/02/2023 07:31

Each family member has a secretary? Are they rich? Does someone work in their home to do this job

meetmeatmidnights · 01/02/2023 07:34

"Because it’s not how a family should function, it’s easier and better to actually communicate with each other directly."

I'm not sure that's for you to decide 🤷🏻‍♀️ it might not be how your family functions, or how you want your future family to function - but it's clearly how they do things in your DHs family!

Like you said in your OP, you knew they did this. Just refer to your DH as your secretary from now on and all communication with his side of the family can go through him - then you don't need to stress about it?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 01/02/2023 07:35

I'd love that. imagine the possibilities

Are you free on xyzzy?
I don't know ask Marion.

what does Johnny want for Xmas?
ask Marion.

What will we get mom for Christmas?
tell Marion what you're getting and she'll arrange a transfer.

What days are your flights this year?
ask Marion.

I'd still enjoy the occasional meme or discussing white lotus on a Tuesday morning. But not having to organize meeting people and just showing up. Bliss. Those 5 mins of Marion were magical. Thank you Marion.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 01/02/2023 07:42

I’d love a personal secretary. They’d block out almost all of my diary and I’d live a life of quiet joy

Harrysutton · 01/02/2023 07:44

Oh wow, imagine having a private Secretary.

They probably find you messaging them directly awfully crass. I wouldn’t let it bother you, do you still get to see them face to face?

traintraveller · 01/02/2023 07:45

Just let your DH communicate with his side of the family. He obviously doesn't have an issue with their ways. I'm not sure why you need to do it.

Hardbackwriter · 01/02/2023 07:45

If they all have personal secretaries then it probably actually is easier to go through them, though? They presumably would have to check with them anyway to see when they're free, since they don't manage their own diaries. I can see that it would be friendlier to go direct, but I don't think it would be easier and better.

UnicorseTime · 01/02/2023 07:46

This is sounding amazing. I struggle to organise my time with enough down time for my condition. My secretary could just do all that for me .

I love this idea.

UnicorseTime · 01/02/2023 07:47

If you do organise fmaiky get togethers via the secretaries - are they nice family when they meet up? As in present and focused when there in person. If so they're just skipping the arranging faff.

Are they all extremely wealthy?! What have you married into?

Patineur · 01/02/2023 07:47

How odd. If you wanted to tell them you were pregnant, or show them scan pictures or something, would all of that have to go through secretaries? Do you have to leave birthday cards and presents with their secretaries?

Does your partner have a secretary?

Youraccountisnolongervalid · 01/02/2023 07:48

Do you mean employees or other members of the family they have to consult? The adult version of I’ll have to ask my mum?

Jaxinthebox · 01/02/2023 07:49

It's just a different way of doing things. Doesn't mean it's wrong or right. It clearly works for them.

PS - I am one of those X's who organise the diary - the owners have little idea what is going on daily, never mind weekly/monthly/yearly.

In my family we message direct, sometimes it would be easier to go through an X

Onwayoutsoon · 01/02/2023 07:49

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 01/02/2023 07:35

I'd love that. imagine the possibilities

Are you free on xyzzy?
I don't know ask Marion.

what does Johnny want for Xmas?
ask Marion.

What will we get mom for Christmas?
tell Marion what you're getting and she'll arrange a transfer.

What days are your flights this year?
ask Marion.

I'd still enjoy the occasional meme or discussing white lotus on a Tuesday morning. But not having to organize meeting people and just showing up. Bliss. Those 5 mins of Marion were magical. Thank you Marion.

😂