To think that this is not how a family should function

[CryStressBeHappy]

My side of the family is all laid back and people actually communicate with each other directly but in DH’s side of the family everything goes through everyones secretary’s. I know what everyone will say, it’s my fault for marrying into a family like that, but I didn’t know that it would frustrate me this much. In my family you all just speak to each other directly (this is what I think a family should function like) but to speak to anyone in DH’s family you have to go through a secretary first. Aibu to think a family shouldn’t function like this?! It’s driving me insane, why can’t family members just speak directly to each other without everything going through a bloody secretary!

Cool!

Its been a long time since I saw such a blatant ‘stealth boast’ op.

leave your DH to make any necessary arrangements within his family. You WhatsApp your family. Problem solved.

I presume he married you for your looks and not your brains? If he says “ask my sister if she wants to come over for Sunday lunch” tell him no! He can invite her via her PA but you don’t like dealing with a third party.

Reading this has made me realise i am my husbands secretary. Might have to have a look at my terms and conditions for working this role....

If you’re chatting at, e.g., family bbqs, and discuss getting together for a future event, does the conversation always end with “I’ll get my people to call your people”?

Get your own secretary, refuse appointments and keep rescheduling. Beat them at their own game!

Do what I do at work when I need to get meetings with execs. Make friends with the secretaries. They have the power

My BIL's business was very successful. He had his work secretary. She employed a household manager/PA. They were both involved with various charities. She basically offloaded the family mental load. She often said that she'd rather clean her toilet than meal/life plan etc. It sounds like bliss.

You're being very Judgy OP! The way you like to be isn't the Gold Standard you know!

So rather than respond to you about something, they text you to tell you to get in contact with their secretary?! Bizarre!

My husband has recently acquired an executive administrator in work, who is supposed to look after dhs diary. Good luck with that , Jason!
I would prefer to liaise with Jason than dh, who is vague on appointments.
In work i would prefer to liaise with my boss's wife, who knows their family schedule.
Maybe this is a brilliant scheme!

Why is it bizarre to ask someone to contact the person on charge of their diary if the person is wanting to arrange something?

If you have a PA it is so you don't have to deal with organising your daily schedule or mundane tasks. If someone asks you about your schedule or one of those boring tasks of course you're going to direct them to the person who can tell them the most accurate information.

The only time it would be bizarre is if you sent something like "Did you watch the last episode of Silent Witness last night? Wasn't expecting that cliffhanger!" and their response was " Contact Marion" ...

it is my job to organise things - I am not the financial director, I don't cook the books, I make sure things run smoothly for everyone😂diaries are full of meetings, events, essential plans.

If I was incompetent I wouldn't last long in the role. Not sure about dishonest, I have no access to huge amounts of cash!

Because most people are perfectly capable of looking at their work diary by themselves when fixing family stuff, they don't need another minion to do it for them. By the time they've explained to the secretary what they want and the secretary has come back to confirm, it's no quicker.

A PA doesn't as one question at a time like that though. There will be a list of 15 new things to go in, suggestions of dates and priorities, a few things that might be delayed, query if something can be cancelled. It will all be checked off within a few minutes, then they move things around and you get the person at your event.

But these aren't "most people" these are people who have a PA specifically to organise their diary for both personal and work related matters.

If I had someone to organise my diary then I would already have peramaters set in place with them for personal requests eg "If mum calls to organise something just put it in the diary; if dad calls then make sure he has a firm date before diarising his event because he has a tendency to change the date last minute; if Claire asks about babysitting then I'm always busy" etc and how to process them so they wouldn't need to go back and forward - the person would contact Marion, she'd check my diary and either put the event in or tell them I'm busy ... Job done.

Who on earth are you married too???? Is it a famous family???

@SafferUpNorth I know lots of normal (high-income though) non aristocrat families with PAs. Usually for work and they double up for family appointments. Maybe it's a London thing though. I imagine it might be weird outside of a city.

MPs earn 84k and they don't all do dodgy lobbying stuff on the side, or tax fraud.

Sorry to be this person, but that doesn't go as far as you might thing with London housing costs and small kids.

I'm PA to a CEO and would be giving him short shrift if he was sending his family and friends to me to ask scheduling questions, he can refer to his own diary, which is always up to date.

I've seen ads in the past for PA jobs in high income families where you're pretty much signing up to do everything up to and including wiping their arses. Never appealed to me, though the money is great.

I was replying to another comment about MPs and aristocrats (I think they lumped them together because some assumption of nepotism/old boys' club which is true to an extent, though irrelevant here).

Growing up, my family had a PA, and my family does now. I live in London. We are neither MPs nor aristocrats! Plenty of perfectly ordinary white collar corporate slaves have PAs.

Sure, there's loads of people in London earning at least 6 figures though. DH just squeaks over that and we couldn't afford a household PA. Thinking of friends in the same industry (media) where they're both more senior than DH, especially one of them, and both work full time, I'd find it very odd if they had one.

I think you do have to be part of an elite for it to seem normal. Maybe it also depends on your industry.

Rubberduckie you are the only one on the thread here who has one - and given mumsnet threads tend to draw people out I think that shows you how unusual this is in the rest of society!

I'd love to ask you and AMA about this....

What field do you work in? What did your family do? Do your friends move in the same circles/posh private schools/good uni/same careers? Do you ever ring and chat to people or is it all thru PAs talking to PAs.... I have so many questions. I think sometimes when people move in elite circles/subsections of the population it become "Your normal" and lose touch that this isn't at all normal or even heard of for most people!

@CryStressBeHappy are these all professional gate keepers so to speak ?

To avoid the Secretary mark every communication private and confidential lol

Sounds like his family put a monetary value on wife work and pay it, and yours don't. I'd love to direct my MIL to a secretary - she treats me as a gift researcher.

Very silly of you to allow yourself to stress about it.

Hand all communication/gifts etc 100% over to your husband.