To think that this is not how a family should function

[CryStressBeHappy]

My side of the family is all laid back and people actually communicate with each other directly but in DH’s side of the family everything goes through everyones secretary’s. I know what everyone will say, it’s my fault for marrying into a family like that, but I didn’t know that it would frustrate me this much. In my family you all just speak to each other directly (this is what I think a family should function like) but to speak to anyone in DH’s family you have to go through a secretary first. Aibu to think a family shouldn’t function like this?! It’s driving me insane, why can’t family members just speak directly to each other without everything going through a bloody secretary!

This is highly odd, everyone in his family has a personal secretary? Are they Royal? I can understand some that are in professional careers having a secretary, but even your in-laws? Are they retired, but so busy they can’t manage there own diaries? Even if it’s not a diary appointment, are you allowed to fire off a WhatsApp message saying ‘happy birthday MIL Hope you got the flowers, have a lovely day and we’ll see you Saturday! Xx Or do you have to pen a formal email to Susan the MILs PA saying Good Morning Susan, please can you tell MIL that I wish her a happy birthday? This is so odd, normal families, no matter how wealthy, or aristocratic behave like this.

I have a friend who's husband has a P.A.
My friend, their kids and his mum all go through the P.A if they want to book anything. Like a previous poster, if they try booking something direct with him, it takes ages for him to confirm as he has no idea where he is meant to be from one day to the next.
Friend calls P.A with dates she wants blocked for family events, anniversaries etc and that way, it's guaranteed.

It's their way of doing things, they probably my find your way weird too and there's no wrong or right. What's right is what works for each family.

Not trying to be a snob but I guess it depends on your definition of incredibly wealthy. I guess I tend to think of those as scions, aristocrats, etc. I've known quite a few people who are just corporate slaves (albeit paid in 6 fig range) who have PAs that double up for their families. Rich/wealthy and very busy of course, but not to an incredible or aristocratic level, far from it in fact.

This is totally true.

In a lot of families a SAHM is an unpaid PA anyway (on top of all her other work). Not such a great jump to have someone employed to do this).

Marion's mine, you hear? And not only will she do all those things for me, she will represent me at future family gatherings (I can already tell my mum will adore her).

Don't they have personal phones? If my secretary had to deal with my family she would leave ( She also makes it clear she doesn't like dealing with my more difficult clients also though). How odd. What on earth do they do to have that level of involvement from secretaries?

This is simply one of the crosses you have to bear when you marry into filthy rich rolling-in-it lucre, @CryStressBeHappy. I'm sure you'll cope.

This. My mum has a sort of "girl friday" type PA and what she really does is "wife work" (excluding cooking and cleaning). They used to work together and when my mum started a business she just kept the PA on with her.

This!!! sounds like heaven to me!

As long as they're nice enough in person I'm not sure what the issue is. Different families do things differently. Learning the mysterious ways of the in laws is part of any long term relationship

how old fashioned

Sounds like your DH should navigate, at least until you get people that then speak to their people. If you must be involved, just have your DH tell them how mortally offended you are by their crass approach and see what happens. Or find out if one of the Marion's has capacity to manage your diary.

Don't worry about it and leave it to your partner to deal with.

They must have a lot of trust in you. What if a secretary was dishonest or incompetent, how would they find out or deal with it.

Yup @GertrudeBell has it. Is this a euphemism to make a feminist point OP?

Love this 😂

They probably find it just as frustrating that despite being told that all their arrangements & diaries are dealt with by their secretaries - you insist on asking them directly.

I’d imagine your judgment of them drips from every message about Sunday lunch.

I can’t say it would bother me as unusual as it is.

No idea why it's stressing you out. Every family is different.

Who is the secretary? My DH family is a bit like that- well to really get an answer from FIL on most things have to go through MIL! My solution was to set up a family whatsapp group!

I used to love it when my DH had a PA. My life was so much more organised and he actually did stuff like leave work early to pick up the DC. He was so much more effective at work and home.
He then changed company where only board directors get PAs - sigh

😂😂😂

I want a Marion

PAs can be really useful, you just need to learn to outsource for your own convenience. You want a dinner for DH's birthday? Ask one of the PAs to organise location and attendees "because we really must have MIL/ FIL there". You want to host Christmas? Just inform all the PAs that was agreed and it's in as a fair accomplit. No idea what to get for their birthday? Ask the PA for a list of options. Need them to contribute to a family holiday? You started in the wrong place, just get the PA to book the whole thing and you transfer to them instead. Want a hint dropped for your birthday / contribution to something? Tell your new mate, the PA.

Don't ask someone with a PA for scheduling, it doesn't work because only one person can manage a busy calendar effectively. You can still message personal comments and chat.

"Fait accompli" - no idea why auto-incorrect does this nonsense

Maybe they'll give you a Marion for Christmas? Then the Marions can just liaise biannually and you can get on with enjoying the half hour a month they schedule in for Family Fun.

What a fascinating and bizarre thread to enjoy with my second coffee of the morning!!

On first glance it looks like a wind-up, but you sound sincere, OP. I've never heard of a 'normal' family where everyone has a PA, so they must be aristocrats or billionaires. Fascinating how the other half lives - I could seriously do with having one as I'm crap with life admin. SO is DH. But at least we regularly speak to and exchange WhatsApp banter with our families.

All I can say is - don't fall into the trap of being your DH's PA. Let him deal with his family.