To think that this is not how a family should function

[CryStressBeHappy]

My side of the family is all laid back and people actually communicate with each other directly but in DH’s side of the family everything goes through everyones secretary’s. I know what everyone will say, it’s my fault for marrying into a family like that, but I didn’t know that it would frustrate me this much. In my family you all just speak to each other directly (this is what I think a family should function like) but to speak to anyone in DH’s family you have to go through a secretary first. Aibu to think a family shouldn’t function like this?! It’s driving me insane, why can’t family members just speak directly to each other without everything going through a bloody secretary!

Well, it's strange, but maybe they do find it easier, if you're scheduling get togethers, to let the person who handles their diary do it all? Let DH handle it.

As an earlier OP said, I guess you can't tell them anything too personal, like a pregnancy announcement, until you have an in person meeting. Or, it might be funny to get the secretary to relay the message. Then they can say, "That's nice, please organise a gift from us to say congratulations."

Presumably you just mean to organise stuff. So a WhatsApp saying 'what dates are you going on holiday' would be answered by a secretary but 'I'm so sorry to hear your cat died, can we do anything' would surely not be?

Like others have said, a personal secretary to organise mine and my families life would be absolute bliss. It's the most stressful thing I do, I go to work to avoid thinking about how to get dd2 to netball at the sane time as dd1 to dance.

Are these work secretaries? All your husband's family must be very very senior as most workplaces have cut back significantly on admin staff over the last 20 years due to tech advances. At my workplace only the CEO and Executive directors get a PA (you would also get short shrift if you asked any of them to carry out personal admin). Directors share a pool of PAs and the rest of us have to use shared admin resource and manage our own diaries.

I would love that actually. I really miss having a secretary now I work for myself. Training up a teen but it’s not the same

I'm assuming these are either very wealthy or very busy people. In which case they probably need these people to manage their diaries. Which may seem a little cold but they obviously need it to stay on top of life. If that's the case you need to make peace with it as that's how they run their lives and they aren't going to change it because you're put out.

If its some weird, passive aggressive head game then yes that's weird.

But in either scenario it's not really for you to tell them how to run their family and your views on this are neither here nor there, so you either need to suck it up or leave.

My in laws don't have secretaries but I leave dh to organise stuff with and for them. I do my side. Divide and conquer is my recommendation

As above, let DH do it. I don’t directly contact the in laws at all, except to wish happy birthday or thank for presents. Does your DH arrange events directly with your side of the family?

Because it’s not how a family should function, it’s easier and better to actually communicate with each other directly.

Well it's not your business to decide what's best for every family and this way clearly does work better for them. You may not like it but it's nothing to do with you.

Yes, they are all very wealthy. Like you say, I might just let DH deal with his family/ their secretaries from now on. Their secretaries are not work ones, they are employed by the family members if that makes sense.

You mean literal secretaries? I thought you meant everyone insists you ask someone else, like Marion.

Are they very important?.like MPs or something? Or aristocratic?
I didn't think they were called secretary anymore, I thought they were personal assistant 🤔 😉

Yes it's odd. My father had a PA growing up and I'd often have to go through the PA as an older teen. He was affectionate and involved but busy, and it made more sense to run upcoming stuff by her since she was in charge of his schedule. He would ask her for me/after I asked him at first but eventually I found it faster to check directly with her than do the loop de loop. Still odd.

My father asks me to check with his secretary. But he means his new wife...

@CryStressBeHappy Stop getting involved with his family.
Let him contact them (or their secretaries) and put your feet up.
Stop stressing out over something you cannot control.
Feel that wave of relief as you pass his family back to your secretary (DH)

You don't have to be an MP or aristocratic to have a PA 😅 It's usually provided by high income jobs in certain industries, but you and I and anyone could hire a PA if you had a spare few hundred to few thousand bob a month. MPs and aristocrats certainly have thousands of times that spare, so you certainly don't have to be at that level!

Yeah but I've never met anyone who in real life uses a pa for their family. They'd have to be incredibly wealthy or famous or something for that to be the better option.

What is it that you want to contact them about?

Is it anything that your husband can't deal with?

I used to be a marion PA for an accountant who operated like this. He charged clients mega money just for taking a phone call or answering an email from them. Questions from family about social things or day to day family things were left to me to answer as they weren't chargeable! I'd have to wait until he was available to answer their questions and then get back to them with an answer.

I suspect it's because if they tell you they'd love to come for Sunday lunch, the secretary would then tell them they are booked in for a round of golf in Troon and the flight doesn't return till 3.30pm then at 4pm there's that telephone conference call with the CEO of that Chinese company, they have space for brunch before 10.30 or supper after 7pm, by the time then he rings you back and you switch to supper, he then contacts the secretary, who tells him that there's a charity function in aid of the latest hot problem that evening so he's no longer free

Whereas if you'd gone straight to the secretary they'd have blocked up that slot in their diary and it would have been in

Omg. I need a secretary.

I think your mistake here is thinking you know how families ‘should’ function. Yours doesn’t but it might work fine for them. You can’t come into a family and change it just because you don’t like it.

Just roll with whatever their way of life is and think of the inheritance

When my DCs were at school I was very friendly with a mum who was a senior partner in a huge international law firm she was constantly travelling abroad everything bar term dates went through her personal secretary her family and friends did it, not helped by the fact that outside of work she couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery. DH also has a very close friend a senior partner in a big management consultancy firm again always travelling abroad for work same story. People in these type of jobs may look like they lead very glamorous lives but for the sort of money they are being paid you have little control over or even interest they don’t ultimately care if it’s Dubai or NY (it’s work) where you are going to need to be next week and their personal secretaries organise everything.

I was about to say that it’s very weird and then I realised that men have been doing this for years but using their wives as secretaries.

Ie “can you come to ours on Saturday” - “I don’t know, ask Marion”; or “what are you getting Granny for her birthday” - “ I don’t know, ask your mum”.

If it stresses you out then just step back. If your dp wants to organise things with his family then he can be the one to contact the secretaries. Why should you have to be the one contacting them?

I rarely contact DH's side, I love them and enjoy their company but if I want to know anything or give any information I ask DH and he contacts them. He's their secretary in my world, lol