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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is MIL being an inconsiderate guest?

139 replies

Newbiehelp · 31/01/2023 18:25

Hi,

New on here so please be kind!

I moved away for a job with husband and child. We have lived away for a year and MIL has come to visit. It’s been 5 days which have been bearable. We went food shopping and she came with us. I though more to see what the shops are like where we are live. Instead she started to add food we would never buy to my trolly. Initially, I thought it was as I had a trolly that has a few bits so made sense to have them all in my trolly. When we got to the checkout, I put my stuff down and she put hers down, moved the divider and when I said the we don’t eat something so to put it back, she said “oh, I’ll eat that”.

I get as a host I should accommodate her. And we’ve provided her with the spare room (which we usually use as an office) so I’m working from the bedroom, not ideal. Also I have cooked extra with each meal so she can eat. But I personally would not have put anything extra in her trolly, especially expensive food just for me, if I went to the shops with her.

I’m I completely unreasonable in not expecting to pay for things just for her benefit? She left her PJs and toiletries so I’ve loaned her mine. Again not great as last time she stayed (before we moved) she ended up taking my PJs, when I asked for them she said “you gave them to me”!

We went out to a beauty spot on Sunday (unplanned) I took a small handbag and didn’t take my purse and hubby left his (he has been in an odd mood and snappy for the last week or so, apparently stressed with work). I said we would go back to get my purse as we were only 5 mins down the road and she said “don’t worry, I’ve got my card” so she paid for lunch, which turned out more than expected as hubby and her both had a few extra drink. But I don’t see why she should be expecting me to pay for special shopping which cost me 1/4 more than I was buying. She knows that we are not made of money, she on the other hand has plenty of money as only flies business class and doesn’t have a mortgage, I also saw her bank statement left on the dining table and it had more money than most people earn a year. I just don’t think I would expect my child when she grown up to pay for my expensive exclusive food when I am staying with her. I’m saving her a fortune by letting her stay with me as the cheapest hotel locally is £230 a night. She can afford to pay for a hotel but has decided as she travelled alone wants to spend time with us (more hubby and the child).

I get some of you might think 1/4 more is nothing but when she knows we only have a car between us, and we watch what we spend money on in a time of the cost of living crisis. I think at best it is insensitive that she expects me to pay for her special food. I have to go shopping again and am not sure how to deal with this, she insists on coming with us anytime we go out.

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 31/01/2023 20:20

You have a problem with your MIL for extremely minor things. But aren't addressing with your husband why he's being a knob?

His mum has come all the way to visit and he's sulking the whole time. It sounds emotionally abusive. He's purposely ruining the trip for you all.

Sounds like it's time for your husband to take responsibility for his part in all of this.

WeAreTheHeroes · 31/01/2023 20:24

I wonder if your husband is being moody because his wife and mother are constantly rubbing each other up the wrong way.

If you're both working, what is MIL doing during the day?

Witchbitch20 · 31/01/2023 20:26

I think neither of you sound like good/welcoming hosts to be honest.
Perhaps the best course of action is that you don’t invite her to stay, and you don’t visit her either. Doesn’t seem that anyone is getting anything out of the experience.

Maybe you’d all be better off hiring a place once a year for a family get together with lots of ground rules set out well before.
I.E x amount of money paid in for food shopping.
Agree different days for cooking/taking turns.

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/01/2023 20:28

You are being tight op

and expecting her to be grateful cos you’ve deigned to allow her to stay with you rather than her shelling out for a hotel - wow!

if you have kids would you feel that way in 30 years time?!

ign0re · 31/01/2023 20:30

That’s so odd that you have to stay in a hotel but she’ll happily come and stay in your study!! How annoying. How do the conversations around each usually go?

It’s definitely quite a presumptuous/cf thing to do to literally add to your trolley.

Different if you’d said you were going to the shop and did she want anything that she may not have paid you back but to literally be adding things to your trolley without asking is really rude behaviour in my opinion.

I’d also definitely be having a word with your dh once she goes, say you’re not happy to have to host her whilst he neglects duties and is in a foul mood so that won’t be happening again!

rookiemere · 31/01/2023 20:33

WeAreTheHeroes · 31/01/2023 20:24

I wonder if your husband is being moody because his wife and mother are constantly rubbing each other up the wrong way.

If you're both working, what is MIL doing during the day?

Well yes let's blame the women in this situation.
It doesn't sound like the DH has actually seen what/any of his DM, what with his mysterious need to work 14 hr days at exactly the point she is here.

cadburyegg · 31/01/2023 20:34

Your mil sounds cheeky but you also don't sound like a great host tbh.

She was being unreasonable in putting extra things in your trolley and expecting you to pay.
You are being unreasonable complaining that you're cooking for her and providing with her a bed and "saving a fortune".

Thepossibility · 31/01/2023 20:37

I'd be furious with my DH if he decided he was going to be grumpy and difficult when his relative was staying.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 31/01/2023 20:40

You move away then get annoyed your husband’s mum wants to visit and stay with you? And why is your husband unable to pick up gods wallet when he’s miserable? I think hosting mums is different and you’ll have different expectations so you’re setting yourself up to fail if you’ve not been clear about how it’ll work and expectations. Giving your mil a bed and meals is surely the bare minimum when you move away?!

itsnotmeitisactuallyyou · 31/01/2023 20:47

Why does she leave her pjs behind every time she comes to stay?

NotAHappyBunnyHugger · 31/01/2023 20:48

You have a husband problem, not a MiL problem. Why is she visiting when you're busy preparing for an exam? Your husband should have arranged a more suitable time for her to come instead of acting like a spoilt child and leaving all the extra work to you.
And surely it's just polite to provide a guest with food they like. What's she eating? Caviar?

Springisspringingagain · 31/01/2023 20:50

Why are PP saying OP is strange to say she is sacrificing her office workspace which she needs for MIL when she is making the point that MIL has three spare bedrooms but neither offers meals or offers to have them to stay so they have to fork out for hotels. I find her stealing your pjs very odd. But I do agree with PP asking why you don’t have straightforward communication. Ask OH why he has withdrawn and ask him to take responsibility for the visit, just go the shops quietly without a big announcement by yourself, be assertive and next time have some clarity and agreement from everyone about the best way to see each other. As for adding to the trolley - it’s very rude for her not to offer to pay for extras she wants. I have done this when staying with people and then would pay for the whole lot. Hosting costs a lot of money and some people are on budgets.

ThankYouVeryMuchGerry · 31/01/2023 20:51

Maybe its a cultural thing for me (or possibly just my family and my in-laws!), but I would have no problem putting my in-laws up, and would have asked before hand if there was anything special they'd like to eat. Neither would I have a problem with them putting stuff in my trolley. It's the same when we visit them, always stay with them, always do shopping together.

I wouldn't be putting up with DH in a mood. Is it due to you and MIL not getting on? Do you normally get on?

toastfiend · 31/01/2023 20:52

It does come across a bit like you really begrudge having her to stay with you (you say you "let" her stay with you and cook extra for her like this is out of the ordinary). She's family, your husband's mother, of course she's going to stay with you if you have room, and catering for guests is not unusual.

You shouldn't have looked at her bank statements, that's a huge invasion of her privacy. If my MIL (who I love) had plonked a load of stuff we wouldn't eat on the conveyor belt without saying anything I'd probably have raised an eyebrow but I would have paid for it. If I couldn't afford it I'd just say "Sorry, MIL, afraid we're on a budget at the moment so please could you get those bits if they're things you want." Sounds like your MIL paid for a pricey lunch, though, so perhaps she's just assuming that it'll all even out, which is fair enough, really. Your husband sounds like an arse.

BHRK · 31/01/2023 21:03

Gosh you sound so mean. Terrible hosting… giving her a bed begrudgingly and being annoyed you have to make an extra portion of food… is well, shocking. This is your husband’s mother. No wonder she put some things on the conveyor belt to eat.. what’s wrong with her fancying something a bit different anyway?

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/01/2023 21:03

yup

SoosanCarter · 31/01/2023 21:16

If she’s staying with you for a holiday, why would she have her bank statement with her, and if she did, why leave it on the table?
Something not adding up here.

You don’t sound very welcoming or hospitable.

Liorae · 31/01/2023 21:25

SoosanCarter · 31/01/2023 21:16

If she’s staying with you for a holiday, why would she have her bank statement with her, and if she did, why leave it on the table?
Something not adding up here.

You don’t sound very welcoming or hospitable.

Because daughters in law on Mumsnet always have remarkably comprehensive knowledge of their in laws financial situation.

Cadburysucks · 31/01/2023 21:32

Old People do get selfish as they age, I think you have to suck it up.

HappinessDragon · 31/01/2023 21:55

I think maybe you haven't phrased your original post too well. Comments like I've cooked extra so she can eat sound awful and I honestly don't think you would cook just for yourselves and leave her without.
Maybe you need to revisit this in your head - She may have invited herself, but surely thats because she wanted to see you all? And yes, very likely she wanted to see your husband more than she wanted to see you, but it's not surprising really - he is her son!
You might not add stuff to someone else's trolley - I wouldn't - but maybe she feels comfortable enough to do so to you? My adult son wouldn't/doesn't think twice about loading me up and I don't generally mind, but on the odd occasion when I thinks its too much, I tell him to get his wallet out. You CAN say no!
As for your office, if you already knew about the exam etc before she arranged to stay, you should have said it wasn't convenient. If you found out after it was arranged, you should have asked her to reschedule - your job is important.
And something is biting your husband - maybe there's an atmosphere between you and MIL, maybe he's having work issues, maybe he doesn't like his hair, I have no idea, but it really sounds like this is a lot of self made drama that you can reframe if you try.
Tell DH you are no longer the weeks entertainments manager and he needs to stick a smile on his face and shape up.
Forget about the extra trolley items, enjoy a free lunch, accept what you can't change, ask for your PJ's back before she leaves and make sure that you are prepared for next time with a yes, its fine, no its not convenient, let me get you a basket for your shopping etc. Good luck!

reallypuzzledoverthis · 31/01/2023 22:02

I pity your MIL having such an unwelcoming and petty DIL and seemingly useless son

Confusednewmum1 · 31/01/2023 22:07

I think it’s normal, mean what did it come to £25??? She bought lunch the other day.

I would let it slide and treat her more like family than a lodger.

Swiftswatch · 31/01/2023 22:08

expensive exclusive food

Its a bloody supermarket, how ‘exclusive’ can the bits she added be?! 😂

You honestly sounds like you hate everything about her, I mean even listing that you cooked an extra portion for her to eat with you as though it’s some huge favour? Should she have cooled and eaten separately?

She took you out to lunch and you’re moaning about a few items added to the grocery shop?
Are you this unwelcoming around your own friends and family or just your husband’s?

Johnnysgirl · 31/01/2023 22:12

She covered an expensive lunch, then put a few bits and pieces in your trolley 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is quite odd - Also I have cooked extra with each meal so she can eat
Did you really expect a house guest to cater for themselves?

Justcallmebebes · 31/01/2023 22:21

Kangarude · 31/01/2023 18:56

She's your MIL. It's not unusual that you would cook for her and provide her with a bed whilst she is staying with you!
In relation to the extra items at the shop, just explain that you're on a tight budget, rather get your DH to tell her

This. She's your MIL, not some random and you seem to begrudge everything about her

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