Is MIL being an inconsiderate guest?

[Newbiehelp]

Hi,

New on here so please be kind!

I moved away for a job with husband and child. We have lived away for a year and MIL has come to visit. It’s been 5 days which have been bearable. We went food shopping and she came with us. I though more to see what the shops are like where we are live. Instead she started to add food we would never buy to my trolly. Initially, I thought it was as I had a trolly that has a few bits so made sense to have them all in my trolly. When we got to the checkout, I put my stuff down and she put hers down, moved the divider and when I said the we don’t eat something so to put it back, she said “oh, I’ll eat that”.


I get as a host I should accommodate her. And we’ve provided her with the spare room (which we usually use as an office) so I’m working from the bedroom, not ideal. Also I have cooked extra with each meal so she can eat. But I personally would not have put anything extra in her trolly, especially expensive food just for me, if I went to the shops with her.


I’m I completely unreasonable in not expecting to pay for things just for her benefit? She left her PJs and toiletries so I’ve loaned her mine. Again not great as last time she stayed (before we moved) she ended up taking my PJs, when I asked for them she said “you gave them to me”!


We went out to a beauty spot on Sunday (unplanned) I took a small handbag and didn’t take my purse and hubby left his (he has been in an odd mood and snappy for the last week or so, apparently stressed with work). I said we would go back to get my purse as we were only 5 mins down the road and she said “don’t worry, I’ve got my card” so she paid for lunch, which turned out more than expected as hubby and her both had a few extra drink. But I don’t see why she should be expecting me to pay for special shopping which cost me 1/4 more than I was buying. She knows that we are not made of money, she on the other hand has plenty of money as only flies business class and doesn’t have a mortgage, I also saw her bank statement left on the dining table and it had more money than most people earn a year. I just don’t think I would expect my child when she grown up to pay for my expensive exclusive food when I am staying with her. I’m saving her a fortune by letting her stay with me as the cheapest hotel locally is £230 a night. She can afford to pay for a hotel but has decided as she travelled alone wants to spend time with us (more hubby and the child).

I get some of you might think 1/4 more is nothing but when she knows we only have a car between us, and we watch what we spend money on in a time of the cost of living crisis. I think at best it is insensitive that she expects me to pay for her special food. I have to go shopping again and am not sure how to deal with this, she insists on coming with us anytime we go out.

[rothbury]

This is a reverse surely?

I think you jumped the shark with the “cooking extra so she can eat” OP

[FrangipaniBlue]

@Newbiehelp Google "ask culture" Vs "guess culture".

I'm willing to wager money your MIL is an asker and you are a guesser.

Neither of you are in the wrong or being unreasonable but it might explain how you are interacting with each other!

[Kisskiss]

I was on your side, until you said she volunteered to pay for lunch….

[Rosei]

Shes family, you're treating her like a business. You sound mean.

[uncomfortablydumb53]

Neither you or your MiL understand the word host!
She doesn't provide accommodation or food when you see her, and you think it's a hassle cooking her an extra portion of food
Your DH isn't exactly making an effort either

[gloriawasright]

What a weird thread .
You sound very petty,quite unpleasant really.
You are keeping score. Coffee,ice creams some extra bits at the supermarket .
If MIL has any sense ,she will not be back.
You 'saw' a bank statement how convenient for you.
I am still trying to get my head round the

[Fraaahnces]

I think you need to send DH a text message to see why he's being a miserable git and leaving all the MIL sitting to you and why she is costing YOU so much money in extras.... He needs to pull his finger out as she is HIS mother, and not yours.

[Ihadenough22]

I think that your unhappy due the following:
Your mil invited herself to stay in your house. Yet you have to stay in a hotel when you visit her. Meanwhile she has a house being far bigger than yours.
Because of this it costs you more to visit her.

You had to give up your office as she has her stuff their and it the room she is sleeping in.
Then you have an exam coming up soon and you can't use your office.

Your husband is busy in work so your left minding his mother and despite this when he is at home he is in bad mood. Did you tell your husband that you had exam coming up and to explain to his mother to come at another time?

Then you found her bank statement and what in that account. Was your MIl decent in the past re money or time? I know people who got to their retirement years after saving for years or getting a good pension and they resent spending their money. Did your mil claim in the past that she hant to he money to help you and now you find out she has plenty of money?

I think at this stage you need to find out when your mil is leaving. I would tell your husband that you like if he got his mother away from your house for a day to let you study. I would also say to him that it not fair to leave you to do all the work during his mother visit. You noticed he is not happy as the moment but he can't be taking it out on the he rest of you being in a bad mood ect.
Going forward I would discuss with your husband if and when his mother comes to stay that he has to take some time off when she is their because your not having another visit like this.

[deeperthanallroses]

If my dp was being a grumpy shit while his mum was staying, wearing my pyjamas using my work space, and I was shopping and cooking everyone dinner every night, I’d move out for a few days.
‘hey Dh, i don’t know what’s up with you but next time you want to be a grumpy shit who’s miserable to live with for days don’t do it while we are hosting your mum. By we I mean I becasue you’re doing fuck all. Up till now, as I’ve booked myself a place for a few days, told your mum I just desperately need study time, but she should enjoy catching up with you and dc and I’ll go stay somewhere else. If there’s not an ENORMOUS apology waiting for me this is not the end of this discussion either. Bye.

[pollyglot]

When I stay with my children and their families, I always pay for the supermarket shops. It was always expected. I can't imagine putting my preferences on their shopping bill. They are young, have young kids and are stretched financially, and I have no real demands on my pension/savings. I do the cooking too, to give them a break. Your MIL is mean-spirited, but I also think that perhaps you are a little obsessed with the situation.

[Lolabear38]

I think I have a very different attitude and approach to hosting than you do @Newbiehelp .

When people - especially family - travel to see us (and we live far, far away from them) I welcome them into my home and love that they’ve gone out of their way to come and spend time with us and our dc. It wouldn’t even occur to me to think I’m saving them money on a hotel - presumably your MIL has come more to see you than see where you live?

I don’t cook extra food so they have something to eat. I happily include them in our meal times and expect to provide the majority of the food they’ll be eating. I know it’ll cost me extra money so I try and be careful about the meals I make and plan ahead accordingly. While they’re here they will often treat us to a meal which I don’t expect but I’m really grateful for. I also know that my hospitality will usually be reciprocated when we go to visit them - but sometimes it’s not and that’s ok too.

When we go shopping if there’s something they want I’ll try my best to get it for them. I don’t know your financial situation but the only thing I would say is that if you can’t afford the things she added to the trolley then that’s a conversation you need to have with her, or your DH does at the very least. It could well be that it hasn’t really occurred to her the cost implications 🤷🏻‍♀️ especially if she doesn’t have any money worries like you say she doesn’t. That’s a relatively simple fix.

Honestly I don’t really understand your issue here, you seem to be complaining about having to do the things any decent host would expect to do anyway. Did you think she would be staying with you and providing her own meals for herself?

[lifeinthehills]

I voted YABU - because it was in your hand to say, "Sorry, MIL, I can't afford that," when she put extra in the trolley. You didn't and are choosing to complain about it when you could have said no. Most people wouldn't do it but she did and you could have said no.

She did pay for lunch, so that's something. It doesn't sound like she's a great host when you visit either, but I suppose you both get to set the terms of your hosting. Decide what is okay for you and do that. Don't do things you resent afterwards.

Your DH needs to step up and be present for his mother and managing the visit more.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

@Maray1967

Op says it was pricey stuff - added 25 per cent to the bill. You don’t go shopping when you’re staying at someone’s house, even family, add stuff to their trolley for you to eat and expect them to pay for it. You certainly don’t do it when it’s your son and DIL who you know are having to watch their finances.

This. I think some people on mn have forgotten what it is like to be on a budget. It is really rude to add stuff regardless without being prompted. The meal out is a moot point, firstly, because it is totally normal to take your hosts out for a meal on visiting and secondly, because op and her dh only went out as her mil was there.

If anything, your mil should be happy to help out and look after your lo so that you can study. As for the pjs, can you not just ask for them back?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Now that your mil has set a precedent of staying at your home, I suggest you invite yourselves to stay with her. This will save you way more than the money spent on food and the pjs. If she complains about you not visiting frequently enough, that is your ‘in’ for starters.

[SnowyPetals]

This whole set up is a bit odd, and it seems to be caused by poor communication all round. She has come at an inconvenient time for you, your DH has opted out of hosting his own mother, nobody is clear whether the pj's are a gift or a loan, and you haven't discussed why MIL won't host you in her home, despite having space. You need a grown up conversation where you cover all these things.

[StarsSand]

Sounds annoying but there are so many odd things in this post.

Why is it not about your useless sulking DH for one? That's your real issue.

Why are you looking at her bank statements?

When she puts things in your trolly just say 'oh are you planning on buying those? Because they're not in budget for us.'

If you can, say you need a few days just to study me go stay with a friend.

[WiddlinDiddlin]

You've not communicated well on here... are you communicating effectively with her at home?

I get that she's expecting you to house her and feed her, when she wouldn't reciprocate that when you visit her (but does expect you to visit and makes you feel bad if you don't), which does sound rather mean if that is exactly the case (and not perhaps that she assumes you'd prefer a hotel, or you've assumed she'd prefer you to stay in a hotel).

But are you making it clear you're on a budget and can't afford extras?

Are you discussing meals with her so shes being offered meals she actually likes (because if she really doesn't like what you're cooking then of course shes much more likely to want to add food to the trolley that is exclusively for her).

Are you asking her for help around the house, with cooking or tidying or whatever?

As someone up thread said, are you expecting her to guess at how you want her to behave, and then getting pissed off when she fails to do this?

[Murdoch1949]

As a guest in your home I am surprised you are not more welcoming to her. Guests sometimes forget things and a good host provides them. Obviously taking the nightwear home with her was rude. The few supermarket items seems fine to me, if you are unhappy with that, give her a basket or trolley on entry and be more assertive at the checkout, only paying for what you want to purchase. With the meal on the park trip, and MIL paying with her card, I thought you were going to say that she later requested a bank transfer to repay it, she was being nice. Mountains and molehills.

[thewinterwitch]

If someone insists they have a card so not to bother to go 5 minutes back home to get my purse then I don’t see why I’m being berated on here?

It is bizarro world on here. YANBU. I think that many like to follow the crowd and enjoy just being contrary and mean.

[KickHimInTheCrotch]

You sound like you really resent her being there. And despite the fact that she bought you lunch you can't buy a few extra bits of food shopping. In my book if you invite someone to stay you try and make their time with you actually enjoyable not resent every second. Maybe don't bother next time.

[Basecampzero]

Sometimes I really don't think I live in the same universe as MN posters. Usually I think MiL threads are really mean, but in this case OP I find myself voting against the tide. If I was well off and going to my son's home for a visit, and they were on a tight budget I'd be treating them, not expecting them to treat me. Particularly if I didn't have them to stay when they came to visit.

It's very weird that you're not allowed to stay at theirs and they don't even offer you meals. The pyjamas thing is also very weird - really imagining that you'd given yours to her, and then 'forgetting' to bring a pair again. Just bizarre.

I wonder if your DH grew up in a dysfunctional kind of set up which is why he's being moody now she's coming to stay and she's displaying similar kind of behaviour as he used to experience (people who are mean with money can be mean-spirited with love and kindness too). I'm a bit surprised though you and he haven't communicated a bit more about her behaviour in the past, like with the pyjamas and the not offering you food. Whatever, he shouldn't take it out on you.

It sounds like you need to use your words. You need to have said that this week wasn't convenient because of your exam, that you needed the pyjamas back as they weren't a gift, and that your DH shouldn't take his work stress out on you. Your DH should have said something when you went to stay and weren't offered any dinner. He should also have said it wasn't convenient for her to stay this week and had a word about the shopping trolley incident.

[ArightFruityLoaf]

I put YABU because you sound petty and mean spirited in almost everything you have written - and in such detail too.

[Bubbylana]

My Niece came to stay at the weekend which she does evry now and again. I brought her an electric blanket for the spare bed so she would be sung and cosy in a bed they never gets used. I also got her a pair of slipper bootys. She took the bootys home which I wanted to keep for her visits but I didnt really mind. I love having her stay. I treat all my guests well and dont expect them to pay a penny they are my guests and I enjoy them. Oh and we now use the electric blanket even though DH didnt want one he loves it now.

[ComfortablyDazed]

What the fuck is up with your drop-kick husband, @Newbiehelp?

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Why have you not called your DH out on this? In front of his Mother if need be.