Is MIL being an inconsiderate guest?

[Newbiehelp]

Hi,

New on here so please be kind!

I moved away for a job with husband and child. We have lived away for a year and MIL has come to visit. It’s been 5 days which have been bearable. We went food shopping and she came with us. I though more to see what the shops are like where we are live. Instead she started to add food we would never buy to my trolly. Initially, I thought it was as I had a trolly that has a few bits so made sense to have them all in my trolly. When we got to the checkout, I put my stuff down and she put hers down, moved the divider and when I said the we don’t eat something so to put it back, she said “oh, I’ll eat that”.


I get as a host I should accommodate her. And we’ve provided her with the spare room (which we usually use as an office) so I’m working from the bedroom, not ideal. Also I have cooked extra with each meal so she can eat. But I personally would not have put anything extra in her trolly, especially expensive food just for me, if I went to the shops with her.


I’m I completely unreasonable in not expecting to pay for things just for her benefit? She left her PJs and toiletries so I’ve loaned her mine. Again not great as last time she stayed (before we moved) she ended up taking my PJs, when I asked for them she said “you gave them to me”!


We went out to a beauty spot on Sunday (unplanned) I took a small handbag and didn’t take my purse and hubby left his (he has been in an odd mood and snappy for the last week or so, apparently stressed with work). I said we would go back to get my purse as we were only 5 mins down the road and she said “don’t worry, I’ve got my card” so she paid for lunch, which turned out more than expected as hubby and her both had a few extra drink. But I don’t see why she should be expecting me to pay for special shopping which cost me 1/4 more than I was buying. She knows that we are not made of money, she on the other hand has plenty of money as only flies business class and doesn’t have a mortgage, I also saw her bank statement left on the dining table and it had more money than most people earn a year. I just don’t think I would expect my child when she grown up to pay for my expensive exclusive food when I am staying with her. I’m saving her a fortune by letting her stay with me as the cheapest hotel locally is £230 a night. She can afford to pay for a hotel but has decided as she travelled alone wants to spend time with us (more hubby and the child).

I get some of you might think 1/4 more is nothing but when she knows we only have a car between us, and we watch what we spend money on in a time of the cost of living crisis. I think at best it is insensitive that she expects me to pay for her special food. I have to go shopping again and am not sure how to deal with this, she insists on coming with us anytime we go out.

[UWhatNow]

What does your DH think?

[Umbrio]

Yeah this would piss me off. I couldn't bear to have her staying with me to be honest. She sounds really mean.

My MIL is like this and expects for us to pay for her when we go for coffee or a meal or whatever. I don't mind being rude and just telling her to pay for her own. No way would I be paying for any of her shopping.

[soboredtonight]

Time for her to go home

[Newbiehelp]

Hi is in a strange mood, so is basically argumentative with all of us. So I’ve not asked him as she is always there for, in the car, at home and at bedtime he tends to go to sleep early then the rest of us as he has to be up early (4am) for work.

[ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou]

Forget your wallet next time you go shopping?

[FawnFrenchieMum]

It would probably annoy me too but given she paid for lunch the other day I probably wouldn’t worry about it too much. I sometimes think once people have that sort of money they forgot others don’t and that adding ‘a few bits’ into someone’s trolley can make a real difference to them.

[GrumpyPanda]

Why didn't you simply put the divider back down or simply tell the cashier when they reached the last of your own items?

[Newbiehelp]

Thanks, i don’t mind paying for somethings like when somethings if it’s our treat, like on Saturday we went for a coffee so got her one. So I’m not asking her to pay for everything.

[rookiemere]

I'd say it's quite expedient for your DH that he is "busy" and "stressed " with work at the exact time his DM decides to visit.

I'd say it's normal to allow guests to use the spare room if you have one and provide them with the same food you are eating. If she is around next time you go to the supermarket I would tell her in the car that you are on a budget, so if she wants to buy different things can she get her own basket or trolley and pay for them herself.

It's not normal for a grown woman to not bring night clothes or toiletries. Again I'd suggest she bought these for herself at the supermarket- that way she has her own pair she can keep at your house for the next time she visits.

How much longer is she staying?

[ArmchairAnarchist2]

My MIL expects that and every meal and drink out, even on my Birthday. She wouldn't dream of contributing. She can also down good Scotch at an alarming rate.
I leave DH to deal with her now and I never invite her anywhere. She has even moaned to DH that I don't invite her when I go out with friends or have them round. I said when she starts asking the same of her son-in-laws I'll think about it. LC is the way. I'd be NC if I could.

[stank]

It would have been polite to ask, but putting a few bits she likes into the trolley doesn’t sound like the end of the world as a one off.

The comments about her saving a fortune by not staying in a hotel are a little unkind. She is your husband’s mother. You might be a MIL one day so think about how you would like to be treated.

[winterpastasalad]

You sound really mean OP. Saying you cook extra so she can eat with you? Would you really cook and serve food for your family and leave a guest with no food?
Just ask your DH for the money for the extra shopping. She's your MIL and a guest, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want to have specific stuff. Maybe she doesn't know you are hard up?

[Overgrowngrasslady]

Do you and your husband often go out with out money then, I find that odd.

I assume she’d think as she’d bought uou noth lunch you’d not mind. She got you wrong.

[ChateauMargaux]

Do you ever go to stay with her? Does she put you up, pay for food?

It is usual to host people, let them use your spare room, include them in your meals and make small gestures like adding some things they like to eat to your shopping.

If it is not reciprocated, then maybe she is being a tad unreasonable, but she did pay for a lunch out..

[Overgrowngrasslady]

Also I have cooked extra with each meal so she can eat

is this some form of joke ? She’s come to spend a few days and you’re saying you cool extra like you’re doing her a favour, and proclaim to be saving her a fortune.

are you and your husband generally unwelcoming and tight?

[bussteward]

I get as a host I should accommodate her. And we’ve provided her with the spare room (which we usually use as an office) so I’m working from the bedroom, not ideal. Also I have cooked extra with each meal so she can eat.
She’s staying with you! A bed and sharing meals with you is the basic level of accommodation you should offer, you’re hardly pushing the boat out! She bought you lunch without a grudge but you’re begrudging her some trolley items?

It sounds like you both communicate poorly: you assumed she came shopping to see what the shops are like, and put things in the trolley to save carrying; she assumed you gave her pyjamas. Do neither of you say anything out loud ever?

[HermioneWeasley]

It’s so weird that you’ve stated she’s using your spare room and you’ve cooked enough for her to eat with you. Of course you have, that’s the bare minimum. She’s your husband’s mother FGS.

[Overgrowngrasslady]

@bussteward

I get as a host I should accommodate her. And we’ve provided her with the spare room (which we usually use as an office) so I’m working from the bedroom, not ideal. Also I have cooked extra with each meal so she can eat.
She’s staying with you! A bed and sharing meals with you is the basic level of accommodation you should offer, you’re hardly pushing the boat out! She bought you lunch without a grudge but you’re begrudging her some trolley items?

It sounds like you both communicate poorly: you assumed she came shopping to see what the shops are like, and put things in the trolley to save carrying; she assumed you gave her pyjamas. Do neither of you say anything out loud ever?

It’s so odd right. She’s even thinking she should stay at a hotel

it’s so unwelcoming, mean, grudging and tight. And the two of them going out without their wallets.

toe curling.

[FurAndFeathers]

What sort of food did she add @Newbiehelp ?

honestly if my guest felt they had to add food to the shopping I’d be re-evaluating my hosting/cooking.

are you sure she’s not hungry?

also you seem very shallow - you’re happy to sponge off her but not to host her properly

[GnomeDePlume]

Some people are good at being houseguests and some aren't.

We lived abroad for a few years and had DPiL or DM visit for a week every few weeks. We paid for their flights.

DPiL were excellent houseguests. They always made a contribution to housekeeping as they said they weren't eating their own food. The second they were through the door they would be asking when we would be going out so they would babysit. When asked at the end of the evening how it had gone they always said it had been lovely.

DM was not a good houseguest. She didnt understand how much extra day to day costs were when she was staying. She would pay for us to have a takeaway but that wasn't really a saving as we wouldn't have had one if she wasn't there. She would only babysit if directly asked and then with much sighing. When we got back after an evening out she would always say it had been difficult and she had only just sat down.

One night we got home and could clearly see DM sound asleep on the sofa! Yet she still claimed she had only just sat down.

My advice is to keep visits quite short with clear arrival and departure. Make clear that any extra shopping DMiL is doing is for her own account and trolley. You could try insisting she gets her own trolley or basket.

[superdupernova]

I wouldn't think to add something to a host's trolley but thinking about it, if my MIL did, I wouldn't mind. I'd rather a guest had everything they wanted (maybe not caviar).

[Kangarude]

She's your MIL. It's not unusual that you would cook for her and provide her with a bed whilst she is staying with you!
In relation to the extra items at the shop, just explain that you're on a tight budget, rather get your DH to tell her

[Overgrowngrasslady]

Some people are good at being houseguests and some aren't

and some people are good hosts and others aren’t.

this pair think they are doing her a favour and feeding her, saving her a fortune as she doesn’t need to stay in a hotel, go out without their wallets , and the husband is being belligerent and arguing with someone.

the guest isn’t the issue. The Ill mannered hosts are.

[Prettybutdumb]

@Overgrowngrasslady

Some people are good at being houseguests and some aren't

and some people are good hosts and others aren’t.

this pair think they are doing her a favour and feeding her, saving her a fortune as she doesn’t need to stay in a hotel, go out without their wallets , and the husband is being belligerent and arguing with someone.

the guest isn’t the issue. The Ill mannered hosts are.

I agree. Shockingly tight and unkind.

[Scuttlingherbert]

Apart from thinking she could keep the pyjamas, she hasn't done anything wrong. It's normal when you have guests that your spare room is out of action, you cook enough food for them and they use your toiletries. Picking up a few bits they like in the supermarket is pretty normal especially as she returned the favour and bought you lunch.

You can see it that you're doing her a favour by letting her stay when a hotel would be £230 a night but the flip side of that is that, if you emigrate and still want to have any sort of relationship with your family back home, you're gonna have to host them when they visit, and them you when you visit.