Is MIL being an inconsiderate guest?

[Newbiehelp]

Hi,

New on here so please be kind!

I moved away for a job with husband and child. We have lived away for a year and MIL has come to visit. It’s been 5 days which have been bearable. We went food shopping and she came with us. I though more to see what the shops are like where we are live. Instead she started to add food we would never buy to my trolly. Initially, I thought it was as I had a trolly that has a few bits so made sense to have them all in my trolly. When we got to the checkout, I put my stuff down and she put hers down, moved the divider and when I said the we don’t eat something so to put it back, she said “oh, I’ll eat that”.


I get as a host I should accommodate her. And we’ve provided her with the spare room (which we usually use as an office) so I’m working from the bedroom, not ideal. Also I have cooked extra with each meal so she can eat. But I personally would not have put anything extra in her trolly, especially expensive food just for me, if I went to the shops with her.


I’m I completely unreasonable in not expecting to pay for things just for her benefit? She left her PJs and toiletries so I’ve loaned her mine. Again not great as last time she stayed (before we moved) she ended up taking my PJs, when I asked for them she said “you gave them to me”!


We went out to a beauty spot on Sunday (unplanned) I took a small handbag and didn’t take my purse and hubby left his (he has been in an odd mood and snappy for the last week or so, apparently stressed with work). I said we would go back to get my purse as we were only 5 mins down the road and she said “don’t worry, I’ve got my card” so she paid for lunch, which turned out more than expected as hubby and her both had a few extra drink. But I don’t see why she should be expecting me to pay for special shopping which cost me 1/4 more than I was buying. She knows that we are not made of money, she on the other hand has plenty of money as only flies business class and doesn’t have a mortgage, I also saw her bank statement left on the dining table and it had more money than most people earn a year. I just don’t think I would expect my child when she grown up to pay for my expensive exclusive food when I am staying with her. I’m saving her a fortune by letting her stay with me as the cheapest hotel locally is £230 a night. She can afford to pay for a hotel but has decided as she travelled alone wants to spend time with us (more hubby and the child).

I get some of you might think 1/4 more is nothing but when she knows we only have a car between us, and we watch what we spend money on in a time of the cost of living crisis. I think at best it is insensitive that she expects me to pay for her special food. I have to go shopping again and am not sure how to deal with this, she insists on coming with us anytime we go out.

[MacarenaMacarena]

Have £20 in your pocket to cover £19.50 expected bill.
Sorted!

[Obki]

Zombie thread that’s annoying. MIL doesn’t let son and DIL stay at hers and doesn’t even cook for them yet OP was vilified for mentioning she cooks extra for MIL and has given MIL her office to stay in. Go figure.

[HotToddyColdSauvignon]

@PrincessofWellies

Op you sound an absolute nightmare as a host. Horrible.

Well you’re a nightmare of a poster for bumping something months out of date

[PrincessofWellies]

Op you sound an absolute nightmare as a host. Horrible.

[ComfortablyDazed]

Some of you are clearly completely clueless when it comes to being a good guest.

If you going shopping with your host, you add a whole lot of extras (nice stuff), which you then pay for when you get to the check-out. It’s a contribution, or thank you, to your hosts. You do it with pleasure and graciousness.

You don’t add it to the trolley, and then expect your host to pay for it. That is beyond rude.

Even - actually, especially! - if you’re a parent.

Being a parents doesn’t give you a free pass to take the piss out of your child and their spouse.

[JudgeRudy]

@winterpastasalad

You sound really mean OP. Saying you cook extra so she can eat with you? Would you really cook and serve food for your family and leave a guest with no food?
Just ask your DH for the money for the extra shopping. She's your MIL and a guest, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want to have specific stuff. Maybe she doesn't know you are hard up?

@winterpastasalad I do think it was phrased oddly to say you cook an extra meal. I'd certainly expect to be offered dinner with the family, If i was staying more than a day/night l would however take my host out or offer to buy a takeaway to 'balance' things.
I don't think anyone can't afford things, it's just MIL is being a CF and seems quite entitled. As a host I might say 'do you want to choose some biscuits, do you like chill, what cereal do you prefer. I'd also not mind someone sticking in some almond milk or a particular coffee....but that's the limit.id guess the incident with the PJs shows form. If I had been near a larger supermarket on day one id have said 'ah, don't worry about forgetting things. OhH can take you to Asda and you can buy your bits there while I get on with dinner.

[StephWwb]

@Newbiehelp

I read through this thread from page 1 to page 6. And made an account just to post here to say, I'm sorry that you've had to deal with everything you've had to deal with from your MIL.

How can she do that to her DS and to You.

As you said on Page 2.

She has 3 spare rooms and she makes her Son and his family stay pay for hotel accommodation.

And she doesn't even offer you food when you visit or order in a takeaway.... you and her DS have to do that in the car on your way back to your hotel.

She makes a completely unannounced visit. Surprise! I'm Here. Spur of the moment! I flew business class. Pajamas? Toiletries? She didn't pack them.

And this isn't the first time she's made clearly unplanned unancounced visits. She did it before. And went back to her Mansion with your PJs.

Your husband is clearly traumatised. She's a terrible mother. She can not possibly have been kind or caring to him.

It's a real shame people don't read.

The trolley, How you have to cook extra for her, So many people who posted completely got it wrong.

You're doing so much extra when you are studying for an exam this/next week which ... how could she just invite herself like this. And she isn't even sorry about all the times she mistreated you or her son.

Good Luck I hope you are able to get a good mark in the Exam.

Bank Statements can be in the form of Mini-Statements you get at many Cash Machines or full A4 statements you can get when you ask for one when you visit a bank.

Your MIL who flies Business Class every where will have an account with a bank with international locations.

She put that financial statement there on purpose. That is Passive Aggressive AF.

There is some history between MIL and DH. He's so tense around his own Mother.

Is she showing her grandchild more affection than she ever showed him.

She's not an idiot. She knows your finances are tight. And she has you pay for her grandchild's food, her food, you and your husband's food and her expesive food to eat alone.

Her behaviour is all around thoughtless at surface level. And when you really look into it... it's just crazy.

Perhaps she's going through a bad time. Your partner has got to take the lead here. He's got to say, Mum. Let's Talk.

YANBU.

[ComfortablyDazed]

To be fair, MIL throwing items into the supermarket trolley for the OP to pay for, really isn’t OK.

I would never dream of doing that to someone I was saying with, and who was providing me with hospitality.

I seriously don’t believe anyone on this thread would do it, either. It’s proper CF behaviour.

[maddy68]

I have my mum staying with me currently. My mum paid for a nice lunch. EVERYTHING else my DH is paying for. Because she's my mum it's the right thing to do.

We are paying for meals , hire of a mobility scooter. , Days out.

You are being incredibly mean spirited

[Basecampzero]

@Remaker

Imagine going to visit your son and his wife is totting up how much she’s saving you on a hotel room and patting herself on the back for allowing you to share their meals?

The extra groceries also seemed to get more fancy as the story went on. What is ‘exclusive’ food exactly??

She bought you lunch it’s only right that you buy her a few treats. I don’t allow my DM to open her purse at all when she comes to stay - she did spend a fair bit raising me, I think it’s the least I can do. You sound like an absolute tightarse OP and your husband needs to smarten up his act while his mother is visiting.

Imagine going to visit your mother in her spacious house and she makes you stay in a hotel round the corner. Then when you go and visit she doesn't offer you any food. Meanwhile gets into your wife's pyjamas when you leave and has a nice meal that she didn't offer to share with you. Then books herself into your house at a time inconvenient to you and buys herself groceries with your money. Nice....

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

Didn’t bring pyjamas. Did bring bank statement….

All very strange.

[Remaker]

Imagine going to visit your son and his wife is totting up how much she’s saving you on a hotel room and patting herself on the back for allowing you to share their meals?

The extra groceries also seemed to get more fancy as the story went on. What is ‘exclusive’ food exactly??

She bought you lunch it’s only right that you buy her a few treats. I don’t allow my DM to open her purse at all when she comes to stay - she did spend a fair bit raising me, I think it’s the least I can do. You sound like an absolute tightarse OP and your husband needs to smarten up his act while his mother is visiting.

[thewinterwitch]

@Swiftswatch

Does anyone else just find it highly unlikely that MIL packed her bank statement in her suitcase, took a flight to see her DS, DIL and DS and just put her bank statement on the dining table?! 😂

Presumably she saw the bank statement on a previous visit to the MILs, as mentioned has occurred, not on this current visit of the MIL to her.

[Swiftswatch]

Does anyone else just find it highly unlikely that MIL packed her bank statement in her suitcase, took a flight to see her DS, DIL and DS and just put her bank statement on the dining table?! 😂

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Why have you not called your DH out on this? In front of his Mother if need be.

[ComfortablyDazed]

What the fuck is up with your drop-kick husband, @Newbiehelp?

[Bubbylana]

My Niece came to stay at the weekend which she does evry now and again. I brought her an electric blanket for the spare bed so she would be sung and cosy in a bed they never gets used. I also got her a pair of slipper bootys. She took the bootys home which I wanted to keep for her visits but I didnt really mind. I love having her stay. I treat all my guests well and dont expect them to pay a penny they are my guests and I enjoy them. Oh and we now use the electric blanket even though DH didnt want one he loves it now.

[ArightFruityLoaf]

I put YABU because you sound petty and mean spirited in almost everything you have written - and in such detail too.

[Basecampzero]

Sometimes I really don't think I live in the same universe as MN posters. Usually I think MiL threads are really mean, but in this case OP I find myself voting against the tide. If I was well off and going to my son's home for a visit, and they were on a tight budget I'd be treating them, not expecting them to treat me. Particularly if I didn't have them to stay when they came to visit.

It's very weird that you're not allowed to stay at theirs and they don't even offer you meals. The pyjamas thing is also very weird - really imagining that you'd given yours to her, and then 'forgetting' to bring a pair again. Just bizarre.

I wonder if your DH grew up in a dysfunctional kind of set up which is why he's being moody now she's coming to stay and she's displaying similar kind of behaviour as he used to experience (people who are mean with money can be mean-spirited with love and kindness too). I'm a bit surprised though you and he haven't communicated a bit more about her behaviour in the past, like with the pyjamas and the not offering you food. Whatever, he shouldn't take it out on you.

It sounds like you need to use your words. You need to have said that this week wasn't convenient because of your exam, that you needed the pyjamas back as they weren't a gift, and that your DH shouldn't take his work stress out on you. Your DH should have said something when you went to stay and weren't offered any dinner. He should also have said it wasn't convenient for her to stay this week and had a word about the shopping trolley incident.

[KickHimInTheCrotch]

You sound like you really resent her being there. And despite the fact that she bought you lunch you can't buy a few extra bits of food shopping. In my book if you invite someone to stay you try and make their time with you actually enjoyable not resent every second. Maybe don't bother next time.

[thewinterwitch]

If someone insists they have a card so not to bother to go 5 minutes back home to get my purse then I don’t see why I’m being berated on here?

It is bizarro world on here. YANBU. I think that many like to follow the crowd and enjoy just being contrary and mean.

[Murdoch1949]

As a guest in your home I am surprised you are not more welcoming to her. Guests sometimes forget things and a good host provides them. Obviously taking the nightwear home with her was rude. The few supermarket items seems fine to me, if you are unhappy with that, give her a basket or trolley on entry and be more assertive at the checkout, only paying for what you want to purchase. With the meal on the park trip, and MIL paying with her card, I thought you were going to say that she later requested a bank transfer to repay it, she was being nice. Mountains and molehills.

[WiddlinDiddlin]

You've not communicated well on here... are you communicating effectively with her at home?

I get that she's expecting you to house her and feed her, when she wouldn't reciprocate that when you visit her (but does expect you to visit and makes you feel bad if you don't), which does sound rather mean if that is exactly the case (and not perhaps that she assumes you'd prefer a hotel, or you've assumed she'd prefer you to stay in a hotel).

But are you making it clear you're on a budget and can't afford extras?

Are you discussing meals with her so shes being offered meals she actually likes (because if she really doesn't like what you're cooking then of course shes much more likely to want to add food to the trolley that is exclusively for her).

Are you asking her for help around the house, with cooking or tidying or whatever?

As someone up thread said, are you expecting her to guess at how you want her to behave, and then getting pissed off when she fails to do this?

[StarsSand]

Sounds annoying but there are so many odd things in this post.

Why is it not about your useless sulking DH for one? That's your real issue.

Why are you looking at her bank statements?

When she puts things in your trolly just say 'oh are you planning on buying those? Because they're not in budget for us.'

If you can, say you need a few days just to study me go stay with a friend.

[SnowyPetals]

This whole set up is a bit odd, and it seems to be caused by poor communication all round. She has come at an inconvenient time for you, your DH has opted out of hosting his own mother, nobody is clear whether the pj's are a gift or a loan, and you haven't discussed why MIL won't host you in her home, despite having space. You need a grown up conversation where you cover all these things.