Is MIL being an inconsiderate guest?

[Newbiehelp]

Hi,

New on here so please be kind!

I moved away for a job with husband and child. We have lived away for a year and MIL has come to visit. It’s been 5 days which have been bearable. We went food shopping and she came with us. I though more to see what the shops are like where we are live. Instead she started to add food we would never buy to my trolly. Initially, I thought it was as I had a trolly that has a few bits so made sense to have them all in my trolly. When we got to the checkout, I put my stuff down and she put hers down, moved the divider and when I said the we don’t eat something so to put it back, she said “oh, I’ll eat that”.


I get as a host I should accommodate her. And we’ve provided her with the spare room (which we usually use as an office) so I’m working from the bedroom, not ideal. Also I have cooked extra with each meal so she can eat. But I personally would not have put anything extra in her trolly, especially expensive food just for me, if I went to the shops with her.


I’m I completely unreasonable in not expecting to pay for things just for her benefit? She left her PJs and toiletries so I’ve loaned her mine. Again not great as last time she stayed (before we moved) she ended up taking my PJs, when I asked for them she said “you gave them to me”!


We went out to a beauty spot on Sunday (unplanned) I took a small handbag and didn’t take my purse and hubby left his (he has been in an odd mood and snappy for the last week or so, apparently stressed with work). I said we would go back to get my purse as we were only 5 mins down the road and she said “don’t worry, I’ve got my card” so she paid for lunch, which turned out more than expected as hubby and her both had a few extra drink. But I don’t see why she should be expecting me to pay for special shopping which cost me 1/4 more than I was buying. She knows that we are not made of money, she on the other hand has plenty of money as only flies business class and doesn’t have a mortgage, I also saw her bank statement left on the dining table and it had more money than most people earn a year. I just don’t think I would expect my child when she grown up to pay for my expensive exclusive food when I am staying with her. I’m saving her a fortune by letting her stay with me as the cheapest hotel locally is £230 a night. She can afford to pay for a hotel but has decided as she travelled alone wants to spend time with us (more hubby and the child).

I get some of you might think 1/4 more is nothing but when she knows we only have a car between us, and we watch what we spend money on in a time of the cost of living crisis. I think at best it is insensitive that she expects me to pay for her special food. I have to go shopping again and am not sure how to deal with this, she insists on coming with us anytime we go out.

[EyesOnThePies]

Presumably she pays for the two of you when you visit her? In terms of groceries.

It is perfectly normal for ILs to stay, I have never expected my family to stay in a hotel, so don’t see it as ‘saving them’ £230 a night.

You moved away. She now has to pay travel in order to see her closest family.

As a guest I would not put any shopping I fancied in someone else’s trolley, but if a guest relative did it I wouldn’t think twice.

Worry more about why your DH is being a dick, in a mood.

[whiteroseredrose]

The question is, did you invite her or did she invite herself?

I also would prefer to stay in an Airbnb when visiting anyone, including family. And I'd rather they did the same. Each to our own.

I certainly wouldn't expect a guest to just assume I'll buy stuff. My DM would put hers separately and then I'd insist on paying. Same with MIL.

[Maray1967]

@roarfeckingroarr

@Newbiehelp so tell me - what am I missing? What's so bad about adding a few items to shopping?

Op says it was pricey stuff - added 25 per cent to the bill. You don’t go shopping when you’re staying at someone’s house, even family, add stuff to their trolley for you to eat and expect them to pay for it. You certainly don’t do it when it’s your son and DIL who you know are having to watch their finances.

[Overgrowngrasslady]

You and your husband are Behaving like petulant children. It’s awful there is a child involved in this

why are you not telling your husband to fucking behave, or he can fuck off out of it.

he’s been horrible since she arrived, and causing an atmospher and you’re resenting everything about her being there. But you both indulged in a lunch out she paid for and he got his fill of free drinks

what an example you both set to your kid, it’s so utterly dysfunctional and unpleasant.

[Cnidarian]

What you're doing is bare minimum, she paid for lunch (it's weird not to take your phone and purse out btw) and a few things she likes to eat is hardly a big imposition. A good host would've asked if there was anything their guest likes and would have it in for them before they arrive, this would be normal in my family.

[EyesOnThePies]

Why do you stay in a hotel when you go to her?

[Grimchmas]

Has she got room to actually host you when you go to visit? If not then the fact that she stays with you/ you stay in a hotel is irrelevant.

Your H is being an arse, stop cleaning if he's not willing to contribute.

How much longer is she staying? If you have to do another shop, could you quietly do an online shop and don't tell her so she can't add stuff? Or if you have to take her, just say breezily up front "MIL we're on a tight budget so if you want to buy yourself any extra bits please do grab yourself a basket and buy any nice extras you'd like for yourself"

If she complains or your H is a dick about it, direct then to have it out with each other not you.

[Goldie2021]

This sounds like normal practice when my in-laws, or any family come to stay. We might pick up the tab here, they will pick
up the tab there. No big deal it all
works out fairly evenly in the end. Same situation if we go visiting.

[Liorae]

Do you resent cooking an extra portion for your own mother when she visits?

[hellobethyname]

She must feel pretty unwelcome at your attitudes .

You let her pay for lunch but act like cooking an extra meal is a big deal .
Maybe she wanted to do
Some nice things and outings while she's there with you - it sounds like you view her as an inconvenience and she knows it .

Just say no in future . And hope she is still as generous with that big bank account when she dies because a) you shouldn't be boating at her private bank statement and b) you all sound like you really can't be arsed with her staying unless she's paying .

Horrible .

[TheFretfulPorpentine]

I'm sure it is not normal for an adult to go out for the day without any money or means of payment.

[AndNowIKnowWhatHappened]

Does she think your husband earns most of the household money? My MIL wouldn't pay for anything when she visits and I wouldn't expect her to. It's a bit cultural for her. Males usually pay for things. It's not because she is mean it's more just how she was raised.

Has she given you or your husband any big gifts in the past? Did she support him through university or help with your wedding or similar?

[Lennybenny]

@Newbiehelp not sure why you're getting some odd replies.
Next time split the food up and assume she'll pay for the extra things she's added.

You are letting her stay...how long for?

Perhaps dh is getting annoyed she's still there and is wanting some peace and quiet.

Why are people having a go about her paying for lunch...she's having everything her own way and not forking out. Buying lunch is nothing compared to what you're doing for her.

Politely find out when she's leaving.

[gamerchick]

I think people are fixating on where you said you were cooking extra and not actually reading your posts OP.

You need to have a stern word with your husband to sort his moods out or you'll be taking off elsewhere for a bit and he can deal with his mother and tell her that you can't afford to pay for her shopping next time you go so she'll have to pay separate.

[Slowingdownagain]

so It’s tot for tat - you want to be a tight hosr because she is? All sounds a bit tense and dysfunctional.

[Psychonabike]

Have you tried actually communicating any of this stuff to her?

Like: yes do come and visit. Will you manage a hotel nearby as I am currently under pressure with work and it would be difficult not to have usual access to my office space?

Like: I'm sorry, but these groceries are beyond our budget at the moment.

This is your husband's mother, coming to visit her son. Yes, his mother, so he should be taking the lead but there's nothing to stop you communicating politely and clearly as things come up?

You seem resentful that she is financially comfortable, but in the current economic climate this is a common generational dynamic. Instead of leaving all these things unspoken and allowing resentment to build up, try speaking up? Politely and calmly is always better than letting it fester and then exploding.

[Slowingdownagain]

I btw think your resentment is coming from your moody useless husband and you are taking it out on mil. Direct your anger where it belongs, his behaviour is unacceptable

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

This. Is. Weird. As. Fuck.

[maddy68]

TBF I would have asked if there was anything she would like to eat while in teh supermarket.

It's entirely right she paid for lunch. Really not seeing your issue.
He son should be providing food she enjoys when she is staying with him

[AutumnCrow]

OP, your DH sounds completely fucking awful.

[SallyWD]

How much did you actually spend on her extra food for her? If it's £5 or £10, it wouldn't bother me. If it's £50 then that's another matter. She did buy lunch for you all the other which must have cost a lot. Me and mum and MIL always borrow pyjamas when we stay at each other's houses so we can travel light. I wouldn't assume I could keep them though.
You do sound a bit put out by even having to host her but surely that's normal in most families, if she's travelled to see you. I don't think you sound very generous towards her - and she sounds a bit odd too.

[AutumnCrow]

@Slowingdownagain

I btw think your resentment is coming from your moody useless husband and you are taking it out on mil. Direct your anger where it belongs, his behaviour is unacceptable

Absolutely.

The DH is being hugely unreasonable.

[AutumnCrow]

@ZeroFuchsGiven

This. Is. Weird. As. Fuck.

Well, yes, the bank statements left out on the table was Weird Central for me.

[itsabigtree]

I'm usually on the DILs side, as my MIL is a challenge. But this is all wrong. Of course she wants to stay with you and not a hotel, she's family. And you don't get a medal for cooking for houseguests. Unless you're going to drip feed that the 'child' is one week old?!
It doesn't matter how much she earns, none of your concern and sounds like you've been snooping and judging - she's your husbands mum... if my husband begrudged buying my mum some groceries at the supermarket I'd be pretty turned off him.

[Istolethecookies]

It’s not a coincidence that your husband is in a bad mood the same week his DM visits. He needs to ask her when she plans on going home.
I wouldn’t be happy if my own DM added food to my shop without at least checking it’s ok first or offering to pay for her things. So if MIL did it, I’d be pretty pissed off. These MIL posts can get a bit defensive, so sorry this is your first MN post and some people are being harsh… but I’m definitely team YANBU on this one.