Is MIL being an inconsiderate guest?

[Newbiehelp]

Hi,

New on here so please be kind!

I moved away for a job with husband and child. We have lived away for a year and MIL has come to visit. It’s been 5 days which have been bearable. We went food shopping and she came with us. I though more to see what the shops are like where we are live. Instead she started to add food we would never buy to my trolly. Initially, I thought it was as I had a trolly that has a few bits so made sense to have them all in my trolly. When we got to the checkout, I put my stuff down and she put hers down, moved the divider and when I said the we don’t eat something so to put it back, she said “oh, I’ll eat that”.


I get as a host I should accommodate her. And we’ve provided her with the spare room (which we usually use as an office) so I’m working from the bedroom, not ideal. Also I have cooked extra with each meal so she can eat. But I personally would not have put anything extra in her trolly, especially expensive food just for me, if I went to the shops with her.


I’m I completely unreasonable in not expecting to pay for things just for her benefit? She left her PJs and toiletries so I’ve loaned her mine. Again not great as last time she stayed (before we moved) she ended up taking my PJs, when I asked for them she said “you gave them to me”!


We went out to a beauty spot on Sunday (unplanned) I took a small handbag and didn’t take my purse and hubby left his (he has been in an odd mood and snappy for the last week or so, apparently stressed with work). I said we would go back to get my purse as we were only 5 mins down the road and she said “don’t worry, I’ve got my card” so she paid for lunch, which turned out more than expected as hubby and her both had a few extra drink. But I don’t see why she should be expecting me to pay for special shopping which cost me 1/4 more than I was buying. She knows that we are not made of money, she on the other hand has plenty of money as only flies business class and doesn’t have a mortgage, I also saw her bank statement left on the dining table and it had more money than most people earn a year. I just don’t think I would expect my child when she grown up to pay for my expensive exclusive food when I am staying with her. I’m saving her a fortune by letting her stay with me as the cheapest hotel locally is £230 a night. She can afford to pay for a hotel but has decided as she travelled alone wants to spend time with us (more hubby and the child).

I get some of you might think 1/4 more is nothing but when she knows we only have a car between us, and we watch what we spend money on in a time of the cost of living crisis. I think at best it is insensitive that she expects me to pay for her special food. I have to go shopping again and am not sure how to deal with this, she insists on coming with us anytime we go out.

[SingaporeSlinky]

You “cooked extra so she could eat” - erm yes when people stay with you, they need to eat food. Did you expect her to start shopping and cooking separately? Sounds like she came shopping to spend time with you, rather than sitting in the house on her own. What did she add to the trolley? If it’s just a few snacks, I don’t see the issue. Unless it was champagne and caviar?

Giving up the spare room is what you do for guests, hence ‘spare’ room. Were you hoping she’d sleep on the sofa and leave a perfectly good bed empty?

I hope your child’s future partner doesn’t moan about you like this.

[JuneOsborne]

So, she's come to another country to see her son and his family. Her son is being a moody arse.
And you're being odd about hosting her. Letting her have the spare room? Cooking extra so she can eat? Not taking money out with you? And then taking her biscuits (or whatever it was) out of the trolley?

You guys sure know how to make someone feel welcome!

[Eyerollcentral]

@Newbiehelp

Thanks, i don’t mind paying for somethings like when somethings if it’s our treat, like on Saturday we went for a coffee so got her one. So I’m not asking her to pay for everything.

You sound totally miserable. Fgs you had to cook extra food for her? My god, I’ve heard it all now. She is your husband’s mother, I’m sure it’s not going to bankrupt you to get her a few things in your shopping. Get a bloody grip and try to be a bit gracious as a host to your children’s grandmother.

[MeMyCatsAndMyBooks]

Oh god, you poor thing having to cook 1 extra plate of food for your GUEST.

Fgs, you sound almost like Cinderella. Just tell her your on a tight budget.

[Slowingdownagain]

I think your stance is a bit odd really. If we had a guest I would be ok with accommodating food they want. When my in laws stay I’d always ask if there’s anything they want or need from the shop, and would never dream of expecting them to pay for that separately. Especially if they are buying us meals out.

cooking extra food for her is hardly being especially generous, that’s just standard when you have a guest. So it’s unclear to me why you mention that.

[Fairydustandsparklylights]

Op, what an unkind way to treat a family member. If she wants a few bits from the supermarket, is it really the end of the world? You sound very mean spirited. I hope your own children don’t treat you in the same way. You say she’s well
off, has she never helped you out? House deposits, weddings etc. I’m guessing you’ll
do well out of it when she passes also.

[Slowingdownagain]

To add, if you are struggling for money and can’t afford the extra shopping either say that to her or get your dh too.

[Justalittlebitduckling]

Is it special food as in a dietary requirement or just treats that she fancied?

[SarahAndQuack]

I went for YABU but I can certainly see both sides.

What is the convention with your husband's family?

In my family, my mum would absolutely add stuff to the trolley in the shops, and so would I with her. Quite often there would be a polite 'oh, I must pay for all of it - oh no, let me get this - no, I'm sure it's my turn' kind of discussion in the queue. But if she's recently paid for a meal out, then it'd definitely be polite for you to have pre-empted her by saying 'please let me get you these things, MIL'.

I get what you're saying about relative incomes, if you decided to go for a meal out before realising you didn't have money on you, I suspect you're not skint. It's normal to have one car and to watch your money; it's not normal to itemise what you are 'saving' your guest by way of hotel bills.

Your MIL's thing with PJs and toiletries, however, is batshit and I can see it would be annoying - forgetting once is fine; forgetting twice and thinking she gets to keep them is weird! Is it possible this one weird thing has skewed your thinking so you're feeling just generally uncharitable over other things that are really pretty normal/mostly on the side of her being generous to you?

[parrotonthesofa]

You sound a bit tight. It is normal to be buying extra stuff if someone is staying with you and is it normal for her to be sleeping in the spare room.
She might be taking the piss a bit with some of the stuff but she did pay for your lunch out.
When my parents stay with us, I buy extra stuff, it's a pleasure to do it for them.

[CleaningOutMyCloset]

I'm not really seeing an issue here, if I have my mil to stay (or any guest) we buy extra and feed them whilst they are with with us. Adding bits to the trolley and forgetting a purse might make me eye roll a little. Also how did she get to you? Train or drive? Either way I'm sure she paid for her own ticket or fuel. For me it kind of cancels itself out. She travels and pays to get to you, you put her in the spare room (a week working out the bedroom isn't any great hardship) and feed her.

Tbh it sounds like you don't like her much and don't really want her there.

[Sceptre86]

If my mil was coming to stay I would get her favourites in. I wouldn't begrudge her adding stuff to the shopping as she's my dh's mum and kids gran. She's family.

You sound deeply unpleasant and jealous of her. You aren't doing anything out of the ordinary. When you host guests your spare room will be out of action, it's normal to include them in meals or even make a special dish to welcome them or take them out. It's called hosting, don't agree to it of you are going to be in a mood about it. Your dh's behavior needs discussing and I'd be having a chat once she leaves to find out what his issue is.

The not returning your pyjamas was rude though.

[Newbiehelp]

When we go to visit, we usually stay in a hotel. So that isn’t odd. We don’t have much space and giving up a home work space is a big deal to me as this week as I have a course with an exam so I need my work space.

Any other time I won’t mind letting her use the spare room/ my office. I don’t mind cooking dinner and have done so happily. It’s after the shopping tip I thought this is getting strange as we don’t get the same treatment when we are asked to visit, usually we are made to feel bad for not visiting.

I don’t usually take my phone and purse out on the weekend. We went to the park, not a place I need either a phone or a purse and when she said she wanted to go somewhere else. I said, let me nip home to her my purse as I knew we would be getting an ice cream at the very least. DH is being a miserable git and has not helped with the housework since his mum arrived. So I’m doing it all.

If someone insists they have a card so not to bother to go 5 minutes back home to get my purse then I don’t see why I’m being berated on here? She could have said nothing and I would have got my purse. I started driving towards home and had to turn at a roundabout. DH has been miserable so has forgotten his glasses and wallet on several occasions and he only said he didn’t have his wallet when we got to the park, there isn’t any place to buy anything at the park so it didn’t matter at that point. We had no plans to eat lunch out, it was her idea to go.

When we have been to their house, at their invite and left without being offered anything to the point we’ve had to pick up a takeaway on the way back to the hotel.

So for those of you accusing me of being mean and rude is it not mean and rude to be invited by them and not being given anything to eat or a place to stay when they have 3 spare rooms?

By the way we did not invite her to stay. She decided she was coming to stay.

[DulcetTones]

You sound unreasonable when you mention that you're saving her money by letting her stay with you and by cooking extra so there's enough for her. She's family. Of course you do that for her.

She is being unreasonable, imo, to expect you to buy expensive food just for her. (Maybe it was expensive... We still don't know what it was, how much it cost, etc.) The thing with the PJs was very odd, too.

I suspect that because she can be odd and annoying, you're primed to resent her for things you shouldn't mind doing as a host.

I'd be expecting your husband to step up and be fully present while his mother visits. He should be the one navigating most of the tricky situations, as it's his mother. Otherwise, you'll either have to grit your teeth and bear it until she goes away again or learn to be polite but blunt about things like food shopping. Put down a divider. Get her a basket for her shopping when you start. Tell her you're on a tight budget.

[DulcetTones]

Cross-posted...

Well, in that case, all bets are off. If she doesn't actually host you in her own home (and not through lack of room or ability), I would resent having to host her when you haven't even invited her to visit.

I'd still approach your husband. He's already in a bad mood, apparently, so what do you have to lose?

[roarfeckingroarr]

You are sounding very mean to me. Your MIL has travelled to visit and you resent her a few food items? And think it's worth mentioning that you bought her a coffee?

Unless she chucked a couple of lobsters and some gold door knobs in your trolley, I don't get it.

[Newbiehelp]

@roarfeckingroarr you don’t get it. That’s fine.

[Overgrowngrasslady]

For goodness sake. What a dysfunctional as fuck family. Op you’re posting like it’s a race to the bottom. Who can be the shitiest host. Not sure there is much in it.

[DontTouchMePlease]

I’m hoping she’s leaves whats in her bank account to the cats home.

I can’t believe you have made an issue out of cooking an extra meal for her and buying her a coffee.

[roarfeckingroarr]

@Newbiehelp so tell me - what am I missing? What's so bad about adding a few items to shopping?

[IheardYouButDontWantToAnswer]

She's only been with you for 5 days and you're fed-up already..... How long is she expected to stay? She's your husband's mum, so of course you should be cooking enough food for her to be able to have some. You paid for the few extras she put in your trolley? So what - she paid when you all went out, so that would make it even, wouldn't it? I wouldn't want to stay with people who seem to resent me being there.

[ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba]

you are as bad as each other.

either be generous or draw clear lines of expectations. you both sound stingy

[superdupernova]

Sorry OP but even with the updates, you are being unreasonable and tight. Instead of spending time justifying yourself, try reading all of the replies.

[FurAndFeathers]

So if you don’t want her to stay and have an exam why didn’t you use your words @Newbiehelp ?

”Sorry MIL, DH is super busy with work and I have an exam that week so need the study, we can’t accommodate you that week but why don’t you visit on xx dates?”

surely that would be better than the resentful passive aggressive interaction you seem to be engaged in

[ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba]

I can't believe you bring up cooking extra amounts for her.
Have you just landed on planet Earth?
That is what people do. It's the bare minimum.