Dd ill. She didn’t reply to my message

[Isitspringyettho]

My Dd is 4 and has been ill on and off since starting pre school, she’s also missed some pre school due to strikes etc
I recently started a job in someone’s home part time. I’ve had to cancel/rearrange the work a few times due to Dd being ill (have no parents around to help and Dh works full time) or due to strikes. She’s been understanding, until this last time when I apologised for not being able to make it due to Dd being v ill, she hasn’t replied to the message.
There is literally nothing I can do if my Dd is ill.
What would you think of this?
Aibu in thinking you just can’t work with young dc without any family around to help?

I wouldn't. She might not have even considered letting you go and you don't want to put the idea in her head or make it look like you're looking to be pushed out.

I'd just carry on as normal.

It *Is risky for Dh to take time off and doesn’t look good etc, however, I am pissed off as it was him pushing for me to go back to work now Dd is at pre school. I remember saying how it might not be that easy as the benefits of someone being at home are they can be there to pick up and look after Dd if she’s sick or there are strikes/in the holidays etc
Now it’s as though this all falls on me

@GoodChat Yes, you’re right. Should I apologise again tomorrow or just get on with it

Have you mentioned to him that he needs to take turns?

@GoodChat He's taken some time off when I was ill to look after Dd, but one time I asked if he could look after her when she was off (strikes) and he said he had a really important job to do that day and couldn’t as he’d be in the shit, he has quite a high up position and they do rely on him

I'm not sure what you want to hear from people. I guess it's that YANBU and that you can't help your daughter being ill. Unfortunately YABU. If you choose to work and take on the responsibility then you HAVE to put provision in place at least some of the time. It's very unprofessional atm and I don't blame them for not responding tbh as I'd be frustrated if it was a member of my team.

So if you had a childminder and they cancelled three times because their child was sick therefore you couldn’t work. Or your husband couldn’t work you wouldn’t be annoyed at all?

Maybe not, it doesn't really matter. I couldn't employ someone who was unreliable for something I needed. Cleaner, gardener, tutor, bookkeeper. Lots of those can be flexible in when they are done but I also plan the rest of my week around them.

Yes it sucks, but if you can't commit to doing a job in the times the employer wants then it's probably not time for you to be working.

I understand totally if she’s pissed off, that’s the thing, I’m wondering if she is and she’s chosen not to reply

I think you need to agree plan with dh. DD been off 3 times and I’ve covered all 3 it’s not reasonable or fair on me or my employer.
Is he going to cover next 3?
Can you sort a baby sitter for days she’s not well enough to go but not so poorly she needs a parent. Start using them for nights out etc so she’s comfortable with them.
He needs to see what position is where he works. Default can’t be you off all the time. He’s probably never checked as he’s never needed to.

Shes probably chosen not to reply.

You're rightly prioritising your husband job as it is the most stable, but then you cant complain if you get sacked.

Unfortunately with life these days and limited support that's life these days.

I've got young kids- kids get sick.

It's a part of life especially in Winter.

It will get easier as your kid gets older but for now unfortunately you have to suck it up.

I think it's a good idea to chat and work out his schedule for tomorrow if she's unwell.

I'd suggest that next time she's ill it's his turn. If there's something he can't get out of that's different but aside from that he needs to do his bit.

You don’t know. She might me wanting to speak to you and let you go tomorrow. Or speak to you and get reassurance what your plan is going forward. She might just be busy and forgot.
I wouldn’t text again just be prepared for a conversation tomorrow.

I would revisit it with your DH: clearly you’re not really in a position to be working at the moment with no childcare/illness backup. These frequent illness phases can run in some very long repeat cycles when kids are new to pre-school or school. It’s clearly not working out well with the stress this is causing you from being unreliable to your employer through no fault of your own. I know you said you need the money but could you possibly cut some expenses somewhere else for a little while? Unfortunately your new employer probably does think you are unreliable, sorry to say…Good luck!

Why are you being so secretive about what job you do? Are you a painter and decorator?

@Princesspollyyy 🤣

So your husband was pushing you to go back to work despite you pointing out the potential issues.
And now those issues have come to pass, your husband’s work is more important than childcare or your job and he can’t possibly help because they ‘rely’ on him.

You understand that this won’t change, yes?
That even if you have the most important job in the world, he will always think his job comes first and childcare is your problem. And by extension your employer’s problem.

In your employer’s position I would be pissed off and I would end your contract.
Your husband’s selfishness and self importance is not their problem.
Neither is the fact that he doesn’t place any value on the work you do or the difficulties he places on you with his total lack of support.

@Over40Overdating Yep…he said that’s what people do when the kids start school etc, I said fair enough but did say how things would change as I wrote above. It just so happens the issues I thought might come up at some stage have come up straightaway, with it being winter etc and bad this year for illnesses.
Tonight I will have to say that if she’s still ill, he stays off or ill lose the job and I can’t work and we go back to how we were. He can’t have it both ways.
I don’t have a contract, it’s not that type of position, very casual

@Isitspringyettho the thing is though, it shouldn’t matter if it’s casual or not.
You’ve made a commitment to your employer that’s as important as the one he makes to his. He might earn more money for now but if/when you get to the same level of earning and responsibility he is still going to think childcare is a you problem.

If he’s pushing you to work despite the challenges, he needs to be meeting them with you.
If he won’t, then you don’t work.
Those need to be his options.

FFS - what is it?! I don't understand why you won't tell us. Depending what you do, whether you're there exactly on the date/time specified may or may not matter. e.g. if you're a gardener, you'd be outside, so if you came on Monday or Friday it wouldn't (mostly) make any difference. Whereas if you're there to provide personal care for someone, the specific day/time would be really important.

Whats wrong with your husband taking some time off work ?

Her response to you literally agreed with all of that... she said she's going to speak to him tonight. What else do you want her to say?

OP for goodness sake why don’t you just ring her?!

Instead of trying to second-guess, why not be proactive - ring her up, apologise for this morning and acknowledge that your history of absence hasn’t been great so far; then tell her you have made arrangements to work tomorrow and will from now on be more reliable. All this angst could be avoided if you would communicate!

That may be sensible decision for your family finances overall but I think then you need to remember that you are intentionally choosing to prioritise his job and you might lose your job as a consequence of that decision.

It is a bad winter for bugs going round but your employer won't have infinite capacity to be flexible and its also just annoying if they plan their schedule thinking you will be working on certain days and then you aren't.

You can decide to prioritise your husband keeping his job but by doing that you are also choosing to risk losing yours.