Dd ill. She didn’t reply to my message

[Isitspringyettho]

My Dd is 4 and has been ill on and off since starting pre school, she’s also missed some pre school due to strikes etc
I recently started a job in someone’s home part time. I’ve had to cancel/rearrange the work a few times due to Dd being ill (have no parents around to help and Dh works full time) or due to strikes. She’s been understanding, until this last time when I apologised for not being able to make it due to Dd being v ill, she hasn’t replied to the message.
There is literally nothing I can do if my Dd is ill.
What would you think of this?
Aibu in thinking you just can’t work with young dc without any family around to help?

How long has your husband worked there ? He can't be sacked for taking one day off. What would happen if you were in hospital or something?

You said you can make up the time on weekends. As an employer, I would not accept it if it involved imposing on my own family time or privacy on the weekend. Once or twice for unforseable reasons, ok but not regularly.

You won't get much sympathy on here people are ruthless. I understand where your boss is coming from, I'd be annoyed at someone being off 3 times in 3 weeks. But what's the point in your DH being off loads as well and you both risking your jobs? When my son was young he had lots of health issues/operations etc, I didn't attempt to work until he was through this as I'd have been sacked 100 times with how ill he was as a child. What's the point in my husband being sacked too? Unfortunately it's a real struggle when they are little and sick a lot. If you can afford to, I'd do something of an evening or odd weekend when your DH is there. Its not your employers fault and they can't be expected to put up with it, sorry OP :(

Well?

If your DH has worked there for years, surely he should be taking a fair share of the sick days too? He would have built up more trust and goodwill in years than you have in 3 weeks. Also, from employer’s perspective, if you’d asked to change 2x in 4 weeks due to illness, that’s a lot better than 4x in 4 weeks!

I would just keep going unless and until she actually sacks you. Then you can ask your DH whether he still thinks you having a job is a good idea or not.

But it's not like they're both going to be off for 100% of the time - the whole point is that if both parents take time off then the inconvenience to one employer is halved and therefore neither is likely to lose their job in the same way as when the pressure is all on one person.

The OP has been off on three occasions in the last three weeks. If the OP asked her DH to take just one of those occasions off work she would have reduced her absence rate by 1/3. Neither of them is going to be fired for one or two occasions of absence (unless she works somewhere like the US where they have "at will" employment states, which she hasn't said is the case) but 3 back to back absences for the OP is potentially going to cost her hers.

Obviously the OP and her DH are prioritising his work over hers as he's the main earner but that doesn't mean he should never take the time off under any circumstances. Obviously if he's got a big client meeting or an important visit from the CEO then his work takes priority on that occasion but if it's just a bog standard office day then there's no reason he cannot take time off instead of the OP. Even if it's a case of splitting absences unequally but equitably based on their jobs then that could be that he does 30% and the OP does 70% of the sick days, not that the OP does 100% as default.

I spoke to Dh tonight and he said ‘It’s just part time…’ I said to him yes but it’s a job and I either do it or not, I still have to be professional and can’t make set days then take them off all the time. I said it’s like that when both parents work and that o was feeling all the pressure, he asked what other people do 🙄and I said ‘Well, they share it’ 🤷🏻‍♀️Or I don’t work..he said that she probably could’ve gone in today..she hadn’t slept all night, was shouting and crying through the night, then slept in.

She hasn’t replied or asked if Dd ok or if I’m going tomorrow, so I assume I just go 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah I’d just go in and see what happens OP. And I’d also be having a serious conversation with your DH about why his big man job is so much more important than your job, part time or not. Because it’s not just about the job, it’s about how he values your time and roles compared to his.

This is exactly the kind of thing I meant. I think there's a tendency on here to assume that everyone is in the UK, and that everyone has the kind of job where you can just take a last-minute day or two of leave to look after a sick child, and where everyone is enlightened enough to understand this. In reality, there are far too many jobs where you'll end up being given the boot or sidelined for promotion, albeit arguably unreasonably, if you are anything other than 100% present and apparently committed only to your job.

I don't think this is a "big man job", btw. The same could equally be true of a woman holding down an inflexible job with a husband who works p/t and looks after their children the rest of the time.

I have no solutions, but I'm really sorry @Isitspringyettho. It's a truly shit situation to be in. Things honestly will get better re illnesses etc, though I know that's not much help now.

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM Thanks for understanding 🙏💕

Yeah, just go in and see if she says anything. I'd do a quick apology when you see her. If she was planning to tell you stuff face-to-face, that will be her cue. Better to get it out of the way.

If you wanted to keep the job, you should go armed with a few reasons why this is not likely to repeat. Say you can see how your absences are causing inconvenience and you will try to avoid it as much as you can. I would suggest mentioning the babysitter and saying you will use that next time. You can mention making up time on a weekend but if you are in their home, she is unlikely to be keen on it as a solution so don't emphasise it. She might give you another chance but I suspect if she does, it is your last chance.

it could but I was basing that reply on OPs recent post where she was frustrated by his attitude towards her part time job and suggestion to share the time off.

Does your husband have a copy of the absence policy? Surely other people he works with have kids

It's not as straightforward as some posters are making out. For some people their job would be at risk if they take time off for a sick child. And of course you have to prioritise your dh job as he is the bread winner. It sounds like you have had a run of bad luck re illness so hopefully things will start to improve but no I wouldn't leave dd with a babysitter either (if any would do it) I'd assume ur employer is annoyed but you still have your job so all you can do is work hard and do your best. If it continues you may need to look for a evening or weekend job until things settle down.

I think depending on what the job is some views may change, looking at your posts.

Take turns, both take a day off every other week (at the current rate), both lose jobs.....

@Noodlehen In what way?

Are you being deliberately obtuse or just daft? Surely you understand, even just from the posts here, that the type of role you're employed in will have a bearing on whether or not your employer and in turn you can be flexible or if you are being unreasonable by changing your shifts and not going to work when originally scheduled resulting in your employer ignoring your messages?? Therefore it is probably a relevant piece of information when answering your AIBU post? 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

Obtuse, or daft or ...

@Noodlehen Rude much!

It really is hard and I can see both sides of this. I’m lucky enough to be SE now, although I contract so still have to be reliable. At this point in my life I would like the security of permanent employment but my Dc has been ill every other week since October, I’ve managed to continue to work from home but not nearly the amount of hours I would normally do, and that’s only because DH also works from home a lot so can help out a bit too, his job pays more and is more demanding so he can only do so much, better missing some of my wage than his. If I were employed I would expect I’d have lost my job by now. I don’t see how any employer, flexible or not can justify someone only being there for 50% of their hours but you can’t help your kids being sick.

Surely you understand, even just from the posts here, that the type of role you're employed in will have a bearing on whether or not your employer and in turn you can be flexible

Surely you can understand that the OP's said numerous times the work is flexible so theres an extremely good chance that it's, you know, flexible.