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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd ill. She didn’t reply to my message

302 replies

Isitspringyettho · 31/01/2023 11:22

My Dd is 4 and has been ill on and off since starting pre school, she’s also missed some pre school due to strikes etc
I recently started a job in someone’s home part time. I’ve had to cancel/rearrange the work a few times due to Dd being ill (have no parents around to help and Dh works full time) or due to strikes. She’s been understanding, until this last time when I apologised for not being able to make it due to Dd being v ill, she hasn’t replied to the message.
There is literally nothing I can do if my Dd is ill.
What would you think of this?
Aibu in thinking you just can’t work with young dc without any family around to help?

OP posts:
BIWI · 01/02/2023 11:19

I wonder whether her employer thinks it's a flexible as the OP though?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 01/02/2023 11:32

All of those saying DH should take time off, do you never consider how much worse off they’d be if he did? My DH earned three times my salary, sometimes more, depending on the contract.

GoodChat · 01/02/2023 11:38

Daffodilsandtuplips · 01/02/2023 11:32

All of those saying DH should take time off, do you never consider how much worse off they’d be if he did? My DH earned three times my salary, sometimes more, depending on the contract.

At the same time, him taking one day off - even if it's unpaid - may mean she gets to keep her job so in the long run makes more financial sense.

melj1213 · 01/02/2023 13:03

Rosei · 31/01/2023 21:31

Take turns, both take a day off every other week (at the current rate), both lose jobs.....

Show quote history

Where did I say it had to be "take turns"? I explicitly said that it didn't have to be an equal split as long as it was equitable ie that the OP is also working so both parents have to take responsibility for sick days as the OP is not default childcare 100% of the time.

The OP was off sick herself recently, when her DH took time off, and since then she has taken at least a further 3 days off three weeks in a row with her new employer.

If her DH had taken even one of those days off then it would have massively reduced the OPs absence rate. Unless he is off all the time one day off is not going to trigger an absence review whereas 3 in a row in a new role for the OP is potentially going to cost her her job. Yes he might be the main earner but the loss of OPs job is going to cost more in the long run than the lost earnings of one day of the DHs wage (if he had to take a day unpaid)

Cococomellonn · 01/02/2023 16:21

What happened today OP?

niugboo · 01/02/2023 17:41

Your job is relevant to this.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 01/02/2023 17:51

Did you give her new slots? Compensation for her wasted time? Your excuse is valid but unfortunately you will lose business if you are unreliable regardless of the personal reasons behind this.
yabu for not having a back up plan (emergency Nannies exist) and for not sharing the time off with her other parent. Especially since you’ve cancelled on this client before.
yanbu that it is a challenge for working parents. Most of us occasionally have to work with a child at home or take time off. I think it is harder as self employed though as your reputation is affected.

changeme4this · 01/02/2023 18:06

BIWI · 01/02/2023 11:19

I wonder whether her employer thinks it's a flexible as the OP though?

That’s my thinking too. And the constant illnesses, I would hope the OP has consulted her GP by now to address this.

GimmeBiscuits · 01/02/2023 18:24

Flowermarket · 31/01/2023 11:28

Unreasonable for your DH not to take 50% of the days off when you're both working and Dd is sick.

It does seem that even though we are in the 21st century, caregiving is always defaulted to the female. Parental leave in such circumstances should be taken.

Outfor150 · 01/02/2023 18:31

Well, of course people can work without family around. I don’t know anyone who had family help. People just live too far from their family, at best.

AmberMcAmber · 01/02/2023 18:41

Pretty sure he is entitled to
unpaid parental leave and the reasonable assumption that he can use annual leave to take care of kids when they are ill

do you have any warning when your kid is becoming ill? If you do maybe he can have some sort of arrangement where he texts his boss the night before to take the next day off etc

if the days are split between you it’s a lot easier to manage (source: me and my partner work full time and I recently made my OH take time off to look after our LO, my work is just as important regardless of pay)

surreygirl1987 · 01/02/2023 18:48

Aibu in thinking you just can’t work with young dc without any family around to help?

What a ridiculous thing to say. I have 2 young kids and no family around (well, my husband is but nobody else) and I managed very demanding and time consuming full time job. Stuff happens, but it's not your employer's fault.

AnTeallach · 01/02/2023 18:51

Outfor150
Well done you if you coped with sick children, work and no family around to help!
I'm a single mother of 3 who were always picking up bugs and passing them on to each other. I remember at one point having 2 clear weeks between October and February half-terms, with no one sick at home. It was impossible to work at that point.
Ex-DH - who pushed and pushed for me to go back to work - very rarely helped when I did. It was a nightmare, and very stressful. (And I was working for a children's charity!) There's a limit what employers will accept, even when you bend over backwards to make up work. I commiserate, OP. Hope you've heard back from your employer today?

AnTeallach · 01/02/2023 18:53

Surreygirl1987
You may be lucky and only have to cope with occasional illness.

Mollymoostoo · 01/02/2023 18:53

I'm kot sure what the illness is but children can still go to school work coughs and colds unless it is accompanied by rash, temp, sickness etc. Children do pick up illness when they start school/pre school until their immune system gets used to it. Keeping her off will not help and when she starts school you could find yourself in trouble with the authorities.

surreygirl1987 · 01/02/2023 18:54

Well done you if you coped with sick children, work and no family around to help!

There are millions of people who work and have kids with no family around...

crapplepay · 01/02/2023 18:55

surreygirl1987 · 01/02/2023 18:54

Well done you if you coped with sick children, work and no family around to help!

There are millions of people who work and have kids with no family around...

Exactly. What else are you supposed to do, other than cope?

surreygirl1987 · 01/02/2023 18:56

You may be lucky and only have to cope with occasional illness.

In that case, most people I know IRL are 'lucky'. Loads of my colleagues have kids (and many don't have family around). Most of my mum-friends work (and many don't have family locally). It's really not uncommon to be a working parent of young children with no family around.

crapplepay · 01/02/2023 18:57

changeme4this · 01/02/2023 18:06

That’s my thinking too. And the constant illnesses, I would hope the OP has consulted her GP by now to address this.

Show quote history

You're presumably not in the UK if you're suggesting that anyone could get a GP appointment any time in the next 40 years.

musingsinmidlife · 01/02/2023 18:58

GimmeBiscuits · 01/02/2023 18:24

It does seem that even though we are in the 21st century, caregiving is always defaulted to the female. Parental leave in such circumstances should be taken.

Show quote history

Not unreasonable when taking that time off can lead to being fired. It doesn't seem they can live on her salary if DH loses his job and takes over childcare.

He already took time off to look after DC when OP was ill and so now he can't take more time off. Sounds like they are in the USA.

If DH was the one working part time and they depended on OPs salary and full time job for housing, food and basic needs and bills - I would say the same. It isn't about gender. The person with the more stable job and the larger income is going to need to make different decisions than the part time person whose income is great but not the main source.

starfishmummy · 01/02/2023 18:59

I worked very part time and in term time only so the child care crises always fell to me; but pre covid dh couldn't work from home and realistically his full time, well paying job was way more essential to us than mine.

Maireas · 01/02/2023 19:10

We don't know what job you do or what country you live in.
It's hard to give specific advice, therefore.
Have you spoken to your employer about the illness situation?

ladydimitrescu · 01/02/2023 19:15

How did it go today?

Outfor150 · 01/02/2023 19:18

AnTeallach · 01/02/2023 18:51

Outfor150
Well done you if you coped with sick children, work and no family around to help!
I'm a single mother of 3 who were always picking up bugs and passing them on to each other. I remember at one point having 2 clear weeks between October and February half-terms, with no one sick at home. It was impossible to work at that point.
Ex-DH - who pushed and pushed for me to go back to work - very rarely helped when I did. It was a nightmare, and very stressful. (And I was working for a children's charity!) There's a limit what employers will accept, even when you bend over backwards to make up work. I commiserate, OP. Hope you've heard back from your employer today?

No one I know has ever had family to help. Everyone lives too far from their family, often abroad. It really is not normal to have family living nearby who can help. Obviously, having or not having a partner makes a big difference. The OP has a DH, so it’s irrelevant that you are a single parent. My family and DH’s live 250 miles away. My friends’ families live abroad. Other friends whose parents live closer, say within 50 miles, are too sick or disabled to help.

Forgotthebins · 01/02/2023 19:23

You are in a really tough situation. I would try not to obsess about whether she replies or not, she might be frustrated but that doesn’t mean she is going to kick you out of the job. Just try to be bloody brilliant/really good value at whatever it is you do next time you go in.