Dd ill. She didn’t reply to my message

[Isitspringyettho]

My Dd is 4 and has been ill on and off since starting pre school, she’s also missed some pre school due to strikes etc
I recently started a job in someone’s home part time. I’ve had to cancel/rearrange the work a few times due to Dd being ill (have no parents around to help and Dh works full time) or due to strikes. She’s been understanding, until this last time when I apologised for not being able to make it due to Dd being v ill, she hasn’t replied to the message.
There is literally nothing I can do if my Dd is ill.
What would you think of this?
Aibu in thinking you just can’t work with young dc without any family around to help?

Yea we used to do this aswell. I worked evenings in Costa coffee, and when my husband got home I got ready and went out to work. It worked really well and no childcare needed. Had extra money etc.

and the person should have negotiated or clarified what their terms of leave were in case of family illness. It sounds like OP's DH didn't do this, or the terms are shit and don't allow him to take leave (unpaid or otherwise) to take care of his dependents.

Go in tomorrow. Apologise and thank her for her patience.
You're making it all about you. You're literally having a fit because she's not proactively instantly responded reassuring you it's OK.
It's not OK. But it's understandable.
If you didn't actually ask for a response she's not done anything wrong at all. You've just sent her information which she's read.
Noone is gonna reassure you you haven't done anything wrong. But don't beat yourself up about it. Equally don't fixate on it. Apologise, move on. Show her who you really are in terms of dedication etc.

I would have to speak to my employer by phone if I could not come in. Text messages and emails are a no so really you should have phoned

OP, did you discuss with your DH what would happen in the event of your DD being ill?

Agree with others that if your only option when dd gets ill and there is only you and your dh is to either take turns or to work opposite shifts to each other.
when our ds was young enough to need looking after dp worked monday-Friday 9-5 and I worked 3 night shifts in a supermarket. Now he is in juniors we both work days but if he is ill we take it in turns having time off or leaving work etc to collect and stay with him. Ds went through an illness patch last September and was off 3 separate occasions over the month, just one of us couldn’t have covered that without serious repercussions at work but shared between us our employers were fine. We both get 5 occasions for unpaid parental leave, no questions asked and not recorded on our record, does your dp not get anything similar if he has been in his job a while?

You have to share the leave when children are ill, that’s all there is to it. It’s not fair for one employer to take up all the slack, and it’s not fair for one parent to have all the flexibility when the other has none. If your job is part time then DD being ill will sometimes fall on your days off so there’s no problem, but when it’s a day you’re both working he needs to give a bit too.

Other thing is are you complying with your absence policy by messaging. In previous job we had to ring in person by x time to a specific person. It would have been a disciplinary to merely text.

I wonder if your husband has any female colleagues with children and if they have any concerns taking carer's leave.

I know other families who use the same excuse that their husband can't share the carer's leave because his job is the most important and he can't possibly risk his job. The only way you'll begin to get some equality into the burden of childcare is by making him do his share.

Your dh should be taking annual leave to cover some of it. When dc has been ill dh and I have looked at our diaries and priorities meetings or other activities. We've taken half days each to manage this. Your dh should be pulling his weight.

Maybe, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. OP said he's had the job for years so it probably wasn't a consideration when he took it as they didn't have kids. Also she's not in the UK so there may be different rules.

A multiple strikes including teachers in Scotland already this year.

You are being very unprofessional, and it is because of women doing what you do that employers prefer to hire men!

You ask what you are supposed to do: share the time off fairly with your DH and use paid childcare when possible.
What do you think your DH would do if you were not able to take the time off? Often men don’t even want to ask their employer but do you really think someone senior would be fired just because they have to take the odd days off for child illness?? Especially as it is likely he could WFH at the same time.

YABVU. I have complete sympathise but the dismissive attitude you have to your DH taking same of the leave is why I think you are U.

It’s really clear that he hasn’t so much as asked. Even if it’s unpaid, him taking one day and you keeping your job is going to be better financially all round. What would DH do if you weren’t in the picture for any reason?

@Brefugee I’m not in the U.K.

@LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee His job can’t be done from home

Assuming you’re a cleaner, she’s probably v pissed off that it’s happened 3 weeks in a row and unless she also has young kids and knows how many of them are sick at the minute, she probably assumes you’re taking the piss. This is why people go to agencies for cleaners, because individuals are less reliable. But you’re almost certainly cheaper than an agency, so she may be prepared to keep going. All you can do is be honest.

Why didn’t you ring her?

When you message are you offering an alternative? i.e. "I can't come today because DD is sick, but instead I can come at 10am on Thursday or 2pm on Saturday" etc? My cleaner (not saying you're definitely a cleaner OP, but it's an example of someone who works in the home) has to do this fairly regularly as she (like me!) is a single mum. And one time she asked if she could bring her son with her when he had twisted his ankle and he just watched TV – I was fine with this. It might be worth having a serious talk with your employer and figuring out how she would prefer you to handle it. You may find there's a solution to be had.

@LeapingCat I’m not a cleaner

@GreaterStickle We just text each other, it’s the way we’ve always communicated

Just out of curiosity, have you spoken to your husband about this or have you just kind of taken on responsibility as default childcare?

He might think your boss is fine with flexibility and have not even considered needing to help out.

Not being nasty but I don't think many employers would put up with this. I wouldn't care that it was genuine or not but I would care about being inconvenienced. I doubt very much that a babysitter will want to take on looking after a sick child either. I agree there is no way you should ask your husband to take time off and endanger the job of the main money earner- some posters are so keen on equality that they seem to have no commonsense.

Is there anything you can do to stop your DD getting sick so often? More sleep, more handwashing - washing hands every time you come back to the house and washing hands before meals? Does she have a nutritious diet with fruit? I suspect that the real reason is that people send sick children to preschool and it just spreads through the class. I didn't do that but plenty did and then my child would go down with it. I was lucky that my husband worked from home a lot (when he wasn't overseas for weeks) and our boys could stay home while he worked. Do you see obviously sick children attending such that you might choose another preschool?

@peachgreen I’m not a cleaner. Yes, I’ve always made the day/hours up at the weekend or when Dd is back at work, I’ve done my best to do that

@palelavender She’s normally v healthy, we all are. Lots of sick kids in and out of pre school, it’s everywhere this winter

Well if it's happened loads I can understand they are frustrated. Yes, it may be genuine, but the result for them is that they are not having the service provided. TANBU to look for a more reliable person or to be annoyed that you keep cancelling.