Dd ill. She didn’t reply to my message

[Isitspringyettho]

My Dd is 4 and has been ill on and off since starting pre school, she’s also missed some pre school due to strikes etc
I recently started a job in someone’s home part time. I’ve had to cancel/rearrange the work a few times due to Dd being ill (have no parents around to help and Dh works full time) or due to strikes. She’s been understanding, until this last time when I apologised for not being able to make it due to Dd being v ill, she hasn’t replied to the message.
There is literally nothing I can do if my Dd is ill.
What would you think of this?
Aibu in thinking you just can’t work with young dc without any family around to help?

I don’t think it’s going to work then as I can’t help my Dd being ill

DD has two parents.

Your problem is that one of them isn't doing an equal share of the care.

I know it's difficult. We both worked ft and had zero family support, not one single day ever. (DH's family a flight away, mine also distant and with their own commitments). We took turns. It was tough.
But then, too late really, it dawned on me that although some people had family support, not all did, and 2 other parents and I did a eg. 'If A has got this awful bug that B has, can we share the time off?' Which did mean from time to time I had A on the sofa with a bucket as well as my own, but it was better than nothing. (A life saver with moderate chickenpox that brought half the school down at once.)
We wished we'd thought of it sooner. We didn't have Whatsapp then. It might be easier to arrange now.

@PicaK No, I'm just worried that she’s not responded, it was 4 hours ago, I’m not saying she has to, I’m just paranoid about the no response and what it means. It makes things awkward, do I go tomorrow, does she not want me to, I don’t know

No, you can’t help her being ill.

But you can put provisions in place for when she is ill, you’re just choosing not to.

@GreaterStickle I’m not choosing not to..I can’t leave her with a babysitter if she’s ill and needs me. Should we jeopardise Dh’s job, which we need, for my new, part time one?

It means she’s fed up on you being so unreliable.

If you’re meant to be in tomorrow then yes of course, you go in.

I would actually call. Appologise perfusely.

It is difficult but Dh does need to do it. When new starters come in off sick all the time you expect that is the way it will continue.

She's probably busy doing all the extra work. Yes, go to work.

I feel sorry for you as it looks like you've got a really tricky situation. Can I ask is it a cash in hand type of job - the way you say "in someone's home" - because I think that kind of work isn't great for giving you the rights and protections you need.

Could you think about getting a job with MORE hours- and things like unpaid/emergency parental leave come into play - and then getting some childcare to cover e.g. three evenings a week- then you get paid more, can get a more solid job, and can build a network of nannies or childminders so that if your Dd is unwell someone can cover & she isn't left with someone she has never met before.

In general having nobody but you who can come in and take care of DD is a bad idea for the family's resilence. Lots of people have no grandparents or friends. We've had to buy the help in and work at building relationships.

@GoodChat She can’t do the work

How is it jeopardizing his job?

My DD was constantly ill aged 4-5 that first year at full time school it felt relentless, my older daughter had a similar year when she was aged 2-3 in nursery. I think you just do get a crap year of every week someone in the house/family is sick. It’s really hard if you both work, as a society we need to expect an element of this if we want children to have and grow little humans. I clung on to my job with a lot of good will and flexible leave. It does get easier as they get older but it’s always a constant juggle and you need flexibility when working if there’s no back up care plan.

Sorry, but he's a parent just as much as you are - you need to split such days between you like everyone else.

My dad was a consultant and earned about 5x what my mum did - he still covered his share of sick days because that's part of being a parent.

How long do you normally work for? I would have thought you could get a babysitter for a short period. Three times in three weeks is unreliable and suspect your employer will find someone else. Maybe schedule your work for day/times your dh can cover?

@EthicalNonMahogany Yes, that’s the situation
I can get a sitter, but do I leave Dd so ill

2 parents it’s expected both take time off. Why would it be jeapordising his job if he’s been there years. He’s built up yrs of goodwill (never taken time off before for a sick child) and a company will have policies eg unpaid parental leave.
It’s far riskier for you to take time off in a new job.

My job is really flexible and I can make up time out of hours so usually I take time off with DS when he’s ill, plus DH does not get paid so it just makes more sense. However, sometimes I just really need to work so DH takes the time. His boss usually isn’t happy but it’s tough, he can’t sack him for taking unpaid time off to look after his child. Not sure why you think it would jeopardise his job tbh.

If your job is at risk, then of course that's what you do.

Right, I think you're freaking out a bit here and need to calm down. Employer might not have answered due to being ill, friend dropping in, roof leaking etc - you can't be sure it's because she's pissed off at you.

You're in the worst bit of this now as DD just started preschool. Kids do get ill but the start of preschool and school is the worst. Hold your nerve and get through this bit and the illness will be less frequent. Do what you can to give her good nutrition, vitamins etc to help her fight off illness and get better faster.

I get what you mean about DH job, why rock two boats when you could just rock one? This is one of the factors that holds women back in the workplace tbh, as they're seen as less reliable. Although in theory you should take equal leave, in practice if you know it could impact your DH's progression and job stability, it might not work that way. He should really take at least some of the hit if not 50%.

If you think your employer is annoyed at you taking 100% of the sick child cover, you could always tell a white lie and say DH is doing some/did some before or after the leave you need to take.

For what it's worth, my parents are fairly close by and supportive and have DC quite a lot - but wouldn't usually step in when they're ill. This is because the kids usually want me or DH, and I don't think it's fair to give DP a bout of vomiting or whatever to thank them for their help. They sometimes help with a very slightly ill and non-contagious kid but it's rare.

It may be easier to call rather than text because then you could actually let then have some other options as to when you could work (assume its something like cleaning) or give them the option to say don't worry. Also they will see that you genuinely are sorry to inconvenience them rather than dashing off a text.

OP this us the very reason I left my job when DCs were little. DH is the main earner so honestly it was more important for him to keep his employer happy. I hated letting colleagues down but had no choice if the DC were ill. I don't think this is the job for you, you need more flexibility, could you look at homeworking options?

If you won't leave DD with anyone else if she is ill and your DH cannot share the days off, then you should look at getting a job working hours that he is home. If you have been off 3 times in 3 weeks then you would be considered unreliable

@EthicalNonMahogany Thank you for the sympathy, I worked all my life before Dd and was never unreliable. I’ve been ill too (am now) from alI dds illnesses but have pushed through, even though feeling horrendous

You and dh need to look at his parental leave policies and your country’s legislation re time off for dependants.