Dd ill. She didn’t reply to my message

[Isitspringyettho]

My Dd is 4 and has been ill on and off since starting pre school, she’s also missed some pre school due to strikes etc
I recently started a job in someone’s home part time. I’ve had to cancel/rearrange the work a few times due to Dd being ill (have no parents around to help and Dh works full time) or due to strikes. She’s been understanding, until this last time when I apologised for not being able to make it due to Dd being v ill, she hasn’t replied to the message.
There is literally nothing I can do if my Dd is ill.
What would you think of this?
Aibu in thinking you just can’t work with young dc without any family around to help?

Perhaps it doesn’t suit your employer that you make time up on a weekend?

What is wrong with your dd —- same recurring illness or different ones?
Also, look for a different job. Work from home or work evenings or weekends when your DH can look after DD.

ok @Isitspringyettho you really don't want to hear any possible solutions, so i'm not sure what you want from this thread.

If you can't say where you are or what you do everyone's advice giving possiblities are restricted anyway.

But. You must phone your employer, not text. That is the professional thing.

If you are in Europe the chances are your DHs employer must give him time off for this, even unpaid. If he has been there a long time with no issues, and he is so valuable to them, he is not about to lose his job.

So, think calmly and sensibly now. Phone your employer. Start looking around for babysitters/childminders who can handle your sudden needs, and when your DH is home work out between you what you are going to do when this situation happens again.

Tip: he is a parent and he must step up. The alternative is to do what many of the pp (me included) have done: work when your DH is home.

Also if your DH is so vital to his boss, he should use this to negotiate better terms. Including time off for sick kids if not already available, or more money which will make affording paid help easier.

At the moment you’re bearing 100% of the time off for DD’s illnesses and DH is doing 0%. That isn’t going to work long-term – especially as you’re part time so time off for you is a bigger chunk of the working time than it is for DH.

His boss needs to suck it up – DH is entitled to sick leave, annual leave, unpaid parental leave. And long term, you’d all be better off with DH getting a job with a more understanding boss and environment.

@Brefugee Yes, Dh will have to take time off too, I do worry about that though but there’s no other option, aside from I can’t do this job, which I want to

No - she needs a responsible adult to look after her - it doesn't have to be you.

I'm sick of this business about people who have FT jobs needing to "do their share". In countless cases, the family is entirely dependent on the one person who's working full time. If that one person loses their job through taking time off, then the family is absolutely fucked. If both parents are making an equal financial contribution, then they obviously have to share time taken off to look after a sick child. But then they're not depending on one person's income. It must be bloody scary to feel insecure about your one and only source of income, and I can see why the OP would not want to rock that boat.

It's very bad luck that your DD has been ill so much, OP, and the answer is that it's very difficult having children and having no family nearby to call on in emergencies. Ex husband and I didn't have any local family, and it's one reason I became a SAHM. If you do want/need to carry on working, you're going to have to bend over backwards to offer alternative dates/times to your employer when you or your DD are ill. If it's any consolation, the illnesses do tend to lessen when they've been at school for a bit. I think it's probably even worse post-Covid as children haven't developed so much immunity as a result of not mixing as babies and toddlers.

Look for a job in evenings and weekends, or whenever your DH is at home.

Whatever your employer means by not replying, the fact is that you're being unreliable .
You need to change the situation so that that isn't happening.

My kids were always sick from preschool for the whole time they were there. I ended up doing opposite shifts to my DH for several years so we always had cover.

It's difficult when they are ill so often. I think a nanny or childminder might be more willing to take a child who is slightly unwell, but obviously that is more expensive than preschool.

Who will be looking after your DD in the school holidays, or are you working term time only. If you had care arranged, maybe they could cover sickness too?

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM This is exactly it, it we lose his work, we’re in trouble

Can you just work evenings & weekends ?

Surely if he’s had his job for years he is much less likely than you to lose his job by taking time off?

@Georgyporky She wanted daytime and weekends, so I was able to work it all around Dd, it’s perfect if not for the constant illness

Absolutely this. In the real world, the main earner's job has to take priority over the PT job, even more so at the moment with the cost of living. When my DC were little my son was an absolute bug magnet and it was just not feasible for me to keep the job I had as I kept having to take time off. Now DC are older I'm returning to work full time, which suits my circumstances at this point in time. Some PPs just don't seem to get it, probably those who's DH works from home or those who have their mum living around the corner.

They've been going on for weeks here in Scotland, do you think everyone lives where you do?

Not necessarily - in some US states you can be fired at will for no cause. Not all countries have labour laws like the US

OP - I think this is just not going to work for you.

I'd be pretty annoyed at a new employee not showing up 3 times in 3 weeks and would be looking for someone else more reliable. I've been there with small children (and had the sort of sick child swap arrangement with a friend a PP mentioned) and it's not easy but your boss has hired you to do a job that they need doing and at the moment you can't do it.

That should of course say "Not necessarily - in some US states you can be fired at will for no cause. Not all countries have labour laws like the UK."

You may be jumping the gun here, it might be that she's read your message while in the middle of doing something and just not got round to, or remembered to reply (I'm very guilty of this).
I'd ring her this evening to check that the change is ok and you be able to gauge her thoughts better.

@Thatnameistaken In the past she’s replied that she understands/it’s fine etc. Just once she didn’t reply but said she had been ill

You have a husband, you take it in turns. How do you think everyone else manages? You can't send very unwell children to a childminder or expect family to risk catching it. We do have family help, but if they are ill, especially with anything contagious it's up to us. No one wants to look after a vomiting child, surprisingly.

How am I taking the mick when my young daughter is ill, am I supposed to send her to school this ill?

Can I ask how you are able to work tomorrow as you have said on several occasions how ill your child is today? I assume you cannot send her to school tomorrow either, so what childcare will you use tomorrow when you work?

@cornishcrusader If she’s not better, it will just have to be Dh or maybe I won’t have a job

Op, I'm also outside Uk. I don't know what job you do, but I do something extra for a few hours a week.
Personally, if I accept to take someone on, it is at my discretion. I am not working for that person, they are not buying anything more than my time and preparation for the number of hours I see them. If my child is ill , it's cancelled. I am not employed by them.
I also do another job where I am hired by someone to provide a service( the same as other job) but we both understand that unless I am ill, I will be present. Obviously emergencies such as child is taken to hospital will be understandable, but not regular child illness. This is why I wasn't able to accept this type of work until children were slightly older.
These are perhaps two ends of the extreme, but if you are basically the go to for when children are ill( I was ) then try to find something that fits best your family situation.

I'd be annoyed too. You sound unreliable. You may have a reason but if you've committed to doing a job then you need to be available to do it.

I agree with PP who said call and then you can talk about how you'll make it up. I don't know what the job is (I'm guessing cleaner?) or how often you work but maybe if you were to do a double shift tomorrow.

Any employee at this stage would be in probation period and at risk of being sacked on one week's notice for an absence record like this. Yes, your dd is ill but from an employer's perspective, there is no way to know whether you are telling the truth. Other common excuses, I am ill (covid is a fave), my mother is ill and I need to take her to doctor, my boiler has broken down and I need to wait for the repairman to let him in etc.

So it is endless.

You are there to make her home life easier, not more complicated by having another person's schedule to work around at short notice.

I am afraid you have to use the babysitter or get your dh to help out for a few months until you have gained enough trust with the employer for her to believe you are a reliable employee and in turn prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt. That is how it works in practice. If you are not prepared to at least play the game for 3 months, it is clear that your priorities are not your job.