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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My father and inheritance.

127 replies

DadDilema · 31/01/2023 09:43

To make this short my dad has had some health issues recently and it’s brought up talks about his will and inheritance.
I have 2 siblings, my DB has 2 children, and we have two children. So there are 4 grandchildren.

My dad has said that in the event one of us (his children) dies before his, he will not leave our share of inheritance to our children (his grandchildren) he said he’s not leaving anything to the grandchildren, and if one of us dies then it will be split between the remaining siblings.

We are all quite close and have good relationships, and he seemingly loves his grandchildren, but it’s really hurt me that if in the event that I die.. my children/family aren’t thought about.

obviously, it’s his money/estate and he can do as he pleases.. but it’s left me quite confused about why he wouldn’t want to leave anything to his grandkids.
DB feels the same, quite hurt and confused as to why he would go out of his way to exclude our children if one of us dies.

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, should I try and discuss it with him, to compromise - or am I expecting too much for my kids, since it’s his money?

OP posts:
Pootles34 · 31/01/2023 09:48

I think you should discuss it gently with him. I would point out that if you die early (god forbid) your children will need the money more than ever - and point out that you think the same about your brothers children, that you would not want your nephews and nieces to be left out, having already been orphaned.

What does your other sibling think, the one without children?

Original poster
DadDilema · 31/01/2023 09:51

My child-less sibling doesn’t think it’s a big deal, but this is because we have already discussed the fact that in this event we would still give the grandchildren their parents share regardless, between ourselves. So essentially they will be fine.. but I’m still hurt that that’s what will have to happen rather than our dad wanting to help his grandchildren. I feel like he doesn’t care about them as much as I thought he did and it’s changed the way I feel about their relationship.

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 31/01/2023 09:54

Do one of you have a partner who he does not like?

Original poster
DadDilema · 31/01/2023 09:55

Nope, he gets on really well with both my DP and my brothers DW.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/01/2023 09:56

Did he say why he felt like he wanted to do this?

JudgeRudy · 31/01/2023 09:57

Hmm, I'm of the opinion that no-one has a right to any money and shouldnt be relying on anything. Just out of curiosity, if the childless sibling was to die first do they get to nominate who they'd like 'their share' to go to, for example their spouse/partner of friend?

SerenaTee · 31/01/2023 10:01

DadDilema · 31/01/2023 09:51

My child-less sibling doesn’t think it’s a big deal, but this is because we have already discussed the fact that in this event we would still give the grandchildren their parents share regardless, between ourselves. So essentially they will be fine.. but I’m still hurt that that’s what will have to happen rather than our dad wanting to help his grandchildren. I feel like he doesn’t care about them as much as I thought he did and it’s changed the way I feel about their relationship.

I can see why you’re hurt but there’s no way I’d try to raise it with him. His money, his choice, even if you don’t agree with it.

ChildlessSis · 31/01/2023 10:02

Pootles34 · 31/01/2023 09:48

I think you should discuss it gently with him. I would point out that if you die early (god forbid) your children will need the money more than ever - and point out that you think the same about your brothers children, that you would not want your nephews and nieces to be left out, having already been orphaned.

What does your other sibling think, the one without children?

I think it's mostly a non-issue as we're all close enough to know that if one of them does die, we will obviously not keep that money and ensure it goes into some kind of trust for the kids.

My main issue with it is more confusion, dad does love his grandkids so I'd really like to know his full explanation on this decision. He’s odd!

FiveShelties · 31/01/2023 10:02

DadDilema · 31/01/2023 09:55

Nope, he gets on really well with both my DP and my brothers DW.

That does seem strange, you would think he would want to help out the grandchildren more than children. If you are lucky, by the time you do receive an inheritance you do not need it - my Mum is 92 and although I could have definitely done with help when buying my first home, I do not need it now.

Ihatethenewlook · 31/01/2023 10:03

I think this is pretty normal? Parents generally want their inheritance to go to their own children, not future generations. Your children have their own parents to leave them an inheritance. This is what life insurance is for if you’re worried about passing away before you have built up assets/money. Life insurance is more reliable rather than a house or money that could end up being eaten up by caring fees. I think you’d be a cf to even mention to your dad that you think the money should go to his grandchildren. It’s his money and he’s not being unfair by wanting it split between all of his surviving children. It’s also a bit of a non issue if the surviving children are going to split it after anyway.

KItBattingGlove · 31/01/2023 10:03

My friend had some thing similar but there was hundreds of thousands involved. The discussion was each grandchild would get £10k each but there were 4 parents originally. One parent had died of cancer and her husband remarried when the children were very young so all they had ever really known was their step mother.

My friend was telling her Dad he couldn't split it 4 ways, that would mean the grandchildren of the parents who are still alive get £10k each and then 2 other grandchildren get £150k each and he could not see the issue with that. It would cause a massive fall out with the grandchildren. The parents who were alive wouldn't be passing down their entire share to their children so why should the grandchildren of the deceased parent get a life changing amount at 20 years old?

Instead and agreed with an independent financial advisor he was told it was best to split the grandchildren into one category and the parents into another category. This wasn't anything to do with my friend getting a larger share as she didn't need it. The advisor suggested that the deceased parent children get an additional £20k each because it was possible the living parents would pass some of the inheritance on to their own children. The the remaining amount would be split between the 3 children which included my friend.

I find it strange that your Dad isn't going to leave anything to any of the grandchildren at all. Has he taken independent advice?

ThreeblackCats · 31/01/2023 10:03

Really?
you’re worrying about an inheritance that you might not get because you died too early when the person leaving it isn’t even dead yet! Talk about grabby…

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/01/2023 10:04

Mine are doing the same. Never occurred to me that it’s odd.

FiveShelties · 31/01/2023 10:04

@ChildlessSis are you OP?

Original poster
DadDilema · 31/01/2023 10:05

@FiveShelties no she’s my sister, without children 😊

OP posts:
ChildlessSis · 31/01/2023 10:06

ThreeblackCats · 31/01/2023 10:03

Really?
you’re worrying about an inheritance that you might not get because you died too early when the person leaving it isn’t even dead yet! Talk about grabby…

It's not being grabby... she knows, confidently, that her children will get that money in the event that she does.

It's about the principle of Dad not ensuring this, or seemingly caring what his grandchildren, that he is close with, will get.

ToastAndButler · 31/01/2023 10:07

Yes, that is odd. Much more common to draft a will so that the money becomes part of the pre-deceasing child's estate (and thus goes wherever they left their own money, eg to their children).

His money, I guess. If this were me and I were one of the surviving children who benefited from this, I'd vary the will to makes provision for my nieces and nephews.

FiveShelties · 31/01/2023 10:07

DadDilema · 31/01/2023 10:05

@FiveShelties no she’s my sister, without children 😊

Haha - is your brother on here as well?

Slowingdownagain · 31/01/2023 10:07

This is normal in wills. If a person dies before the person who wrote the will it doesn't pass to their children, rather they just disappear from the calculation.

Original poster
DadDilema · 31/01/2023 10:10

@FiveShelties haha no, I happen to be on FaceTime to Dsis, so she came to join in.

it’s not about wanting money, if I’m dead I don’t benefit anyway so I’m not being grabby.. I’m just hurt that my children essentially get told “sorry your mum died, but now there’s more money for your aunts and uncles”

I don’t really have anything to leave my children right now, I have life insurance so that’s something, DP would remain living in the home with DC.

OP posts:
ToastAndButler · 31/01/2023 10:10

Slowingdownagain · 31/01/2023 10:07

This is normal in wills. If a person dies before the person who wrote the will it doesn't pass to their children, rather they just disappear from the calculation.

No, this isn't right. See www.contesting-wills.co.uk/news-articles/childs-inheritance.html

You have to draft the will very carefully to avoid the money going to the grandchildren, if you want to avoid this.

Slowingdownagain · 31/01/2023 10:12

ToastAndButler · 31/01/2023 10:10

No, this isn't right. See www.contesting-wills.co.uk/news-articles/childs-inheritance.html

You have to draft the will very carefully to avoid the money going to the grandchildren, if you want to avoid this.

Show quote history

Oh, apologies. Perhaps it's when there is no will, and it's just the rules of intestacy where that is the case.

EyesOnThePies · 31/01/2023 10:13

Slowingdownagain · 31/01/2023 10:07

This is normal in wills. If a person dies before the person who wrote the will it doesn't pass to their children, rather they just disappear from the calculation.

All my family, parents, siblings, ILs that I know of, used different solicitors for our wills and all make provision that if an adult child pre-deceases then that share goes to any offspring.

So I wouldn’t say it was normal these days.

FiveShelties · 31/01/2023 10:18

Could he just be trying to be fair to your sister who does not have children? Does not make sense to me but I do understand it is his money to do with as his wishes.

EyesOnThePies · 31/01/2023 10:19

OP, did your Dad make his Will with a solicitor?
Recently? Since the grandchildren were born?
Has he confused himself in that he has not made any direct bequests to grandchildren but forgotten a clause about a share in the event of his children pre-deceasing him? (At least one PP on this thread has conflated the two issues. People get very confused about inheritance and wills)