My father and inheritance.

[DadDilema]

To make this short my dad has had some health issues recently and it’s brought up talks about his will and inheritance.
I have 2 siblings, my DB has 2 children, and we have two children. So there are 4 grandchildren.

My dad has said that in the event one of us (his children) dies before his, he will not leave our share of inheritance to our children (his grandchildren) he said he’s not leaving anything to the grandchildren, and if one of us dies then it will be split between the remaining siblings.

We are all quite close and have good relationships, and he seemingly loves his grandchildren, but it’s really hurt me that if in the event that I die.. my children/family aren’t thought about.

obviously, it’s his money/estate and he can do as he pleases.. but it’s left me quite confused about why he wouldn’t want to leave anything to his grandkids.
DB feels the same, quite hurt and confused as to why he would go out of his way to exclude our children if one of us dies.

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, should I try and discuss it with him, to compromise - or am I expecting too much for my kids, since it’s his money?

Do not bank on this. Money does strange things to people. This happened in our family. Promises made. Not kept. Everyone upset. Rifts that will never heal.

If siblings are in agreement that the share is passed to grandchildren you can be comfortable that their taken care of. I do find it odd that a grandparent wouldn't want that but it's out of your control.

My DGM did the same in her will but lied and told my dad, her son, that in the event him or sibling died before her their inheritance would go to their wife or dc (if divorced) but after my dad died she changed her will while keeping up the pretence and left it all to the sibling... who wasted it all in less than a year. The lies from DGM were more upsetting than the loss of inheritance (and it would have been a life changing amount!) because she'd had the conversation with my dad when he was ill shortly before he died.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov it wasn't her sister but her Dh's who had died. My friend and her Dh were already retired, did not need the money at all and knew that it would cause an absolute massive rift with the grandchildren if all of them got £10k which at the time was a very healthy house deposit and 2 of them got life changing amounts and were able to buy 3 bed houses outright at aged 20. Not everyone lives in London where that would have been a shoe box.

You keep missing the bit where the financial advisor agreed with separating the grandchildren out from the parents. The Dad wouldn't have been around to see the fall out but the rest of them would. They were a close knit family who got together all the time. It also wasn't just my friend and her Dh, it was all the remaining siblings and the Dad of the two who would benefit from the massive discrepancy in money distribution. He said no, don't do it, my wife would not have wanted it.

Ahh I see sorry I missed the point!
In that case I understand why you’re upset.. do you think your sibling would be trusted to pass some on to your kids?? Maybe you could suggest a trust or similar for your kids so he could be sure the money would be ‘safe’. Or what about including your husband if you are married so that some would still be there for your kids. What’s his reason for it do you think? Xx

I do wonder if my dad has thought about how it could impact his relationship with the grandchildren, if in the event I died, or DB, and they received nothing but saw their aunt/uncle receive a sum; I would as a granddaughter myself question why I was left out and not thought of, just because my mum died.

it feels almost as if if I were to die he would cut off my children, as if the only reason he has a relationship with them is because im alive and not because he cares solely about them at all.

@stationroads @DadDilema Depends... take me shopping later and I'll decide if I wanna keep all your kids money then? #FDK ennit

Grandparents made verbal requests:

Eldest gets the house, all three children share money. If children deceased, their share of money goes to their children.

All in agreement. All very close. Absolutely no reason to think this would happen.

What happened:

House sold, everything split 50/50 between two living children.

It's definitely not normal. Our wills state that if any of our dc dies then their share goes to any surviving gc. In my dps will they have split it between very long term partners and dc.

@ChildlessSis i believe that’s called blackmail. I’m bush tonight, looking after my children. You wouldn’t know what that’s like.

Is it really? My parents' wills were written so that if I or my sibling pre-deceased them, our inheritance would go to our children. Surely that's normal?

I think you need to ask your df about this op and say how hurt you and your db are. You could say that, should you or your db die before him, the other 2 siblings will ensure the grandchildren inherit. He may say, well in that case he doesn't need to amend his will. But you could counter by saying that, much as you all get on, he's creating the potential for family discord and problems.

Only a couple of 'nobody's entitled' and 'grabby' references so far op - you're doing well. There's nothing wrong with discussing wills and inheritance.

No, I wouldn't... I'll be enjoying my unleeched wealth alone and in peace 😌

It may be done to protect the GC from an unreliable/mistrusted son in law/daughter in law. Instead, the money passes to the GC's trusted uncle or aunt who will ensure it actually benefits the GC]

Surely it protects the GC less? If left to the GC the money would either go straight to them (if old enough), or be put in trust for them. But if it's all left to an aunt or uncle, there's no guarantee or obligation to pass an equal share on to the GC. It's become the beneficiaries inheritance, and they can do what they like with it. You might like to think that they would do the right thing, but money does strange things to people.

My Granny has a similar will it goes to her children who are each named, with reference to if they have passed then onto the Grandchildren.

Though I’m not expecting anything, easier that way.

Strange things, huh? I hope I grow horns and a tail - that would be awesome.

I care about lots of people that I don't expect or want to leave money to.

I don't think it should be necessary to leave money to people in order to demonstrate that you care about them.

Your arguments seem to imply that only leaving money to them is a demonstration of "caring" and that the relationship is only dependent on this. It seems very transactional and a negative way of thinking IMO. Bringing up children with an expectation of inheritance or to feel aggrieved at a lack of one to me is unwise.

There are plenty of people in the world who have amassed huge amounts of money but don't intend to leave their kids anything. Not because they don't care about them, but because they think that is the way it should be and their children should be responsible for making their own way in life.

If you die before him and that negatively affects his relationship with his grandchildren then he can choose to change what he has written if he feels its the right thing to do.

If you truly accept the fact that an inheritance is not an entitlement and that giving money is not the same as giving love, it will be much easier to accept your father's way of handling his estate.

Another way of looking at the situation is to ask yourself " does your father love his children more than you love your children? " He has lived a life where he has amassed some assets and resources to share with his children . According to you. as of now you have nothing to leave to your children. Does that in any way speak to the love that you have for your children? Like your father, you won't be leaving them any money.

It’s not normal for me. My will says that my children’s share would go to their children if they die first. Their child would need the money more , not less, if their parent died when they were so young.

If any of them die without children then their share is split between their siblings.

Nothing goes to spouses / partners, in fact they are specifically excluded.

You can make an agreement among your siblings to split the money after your Fad is dead.

Its his money, he can do as he likes. I don't "get" this idea that people are entitled to anything when people die.

My grandmother did this. Effectively it means half the grandchildren benefited (through their parents), and the half who had already lost a parent were left out.
It hurts, especially since she and my grandfather brought me up. I strongly suspect she wouldn't have realised the impact though, as she would have already had dementia when she made the will.

All my grandparents are dead and none of them left anything to their grandchildren. My maternal grandmother had 9 children, 6 were still alive when she died and she left everything to just 3 of them (the ones that she didn't have grandchildren from).

By the time my paternal grandmother died 3 years ago, I didn't expect (or get) a thing. Not that unusual, I think.

It's not going to affect his relationship with his DGCs because he would be dead.

I think it could be to seem fair to the childless sibling, or that the childless sibling might have children in the future, or that you might remarry if you divorce then step children might be getting money. I think he's doing the right thing to keep it simple.

I wonder whether your Dad thinks that @ChildlessSis will need more money because she's going to be looking after @DadDilema's kids (or your brother's) in the event of both parents' untimely demise?

In that case he may plan that if OP dies he would help out her DP, or put money in trust, straight away.

Seems wrong to me - my will leaves my estate divided equally between my two sons. Neither of them has children yet, but if one of them (heaven forbid) dies before me then it allows for their estate to go to their children if they have any by then. Otherwise it's not fair.