My father and inheritance.

[DadDilema]

To make this short my dad has had some health issues recently and it’s brought up talks about his will and inheritance.
I have 2 siblings, my DB has 2 children, and we have two children. So there are 4 grandchildren.

My dad has said that in the event one of us (his children) dies before his, he will not leave our share of inheritance to our children (his grandchildren) he said he’s not leaving anything to the grandchildren, and if one of us dies then it will be split between the remaining siblings.

We are all quite close and have good relationships, and he seemingly loves his grandchildren, but it’s really hurt me that if in the event that I die.. my children/family aren’t thought about.

obviously, it’s his money/estate and he can do as he pleases.. but it’s left me quite confused about why he wouldn’t want to leave anything to his grandkids.
DB feels the same, quite hurt and confused as to why he would go out of his way to exclude our children if one of us dies.

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, should I try and discuss it with him, to compromise - or am I expecting too much for my kids, since it’s his money?

This is what I was thinking! OP just suggested that if this were the case, he could just give me a slightly bigger share initially?
There's no need to leave my nieces/nephews without.

It would probably appear a bit less grabby if you weren't in your childrens corner.

Basically the childless sibling would be disadvantaged (if only slightly) by this arrangement and maybe the parent doesn't want that.

Maybe he feels strongly that the principle of treating all his children absolutely equally is more important than leaving money to his grandchildren.

Why would it need to be 'discussed gently'? It's his money, OP should respect his wishes.

Why do people think the childless sibling is being treated less equally?

The OP isn’t about leaving money to his grandchildren in addition to his 3 children.

It is about splitting his money 3 ways, a third to each of his children. And in the event if one of his children dying before him, that siblings third going directly to any children they might have.

In any case, for all we or he knows, the childless sibling might yet have a child if not yet mid-40s for example.

So no way would the childless sibling be being disadvantaged.

This happened to my mother in law. She was diagnosed with cancer while her parents were still alive. She travelled for several hours to go and beg them to change their will to give her share to her children but they wouldn't. We no longer see any of her family. The grandparents subsequently died and the family didn't even offer us something to remember the grandparents by, just divided the whole lot amongst the remaining siblings.
Maybe you could explain that this will destroy any future family relations? Alternatively, you could agree with your siblings to all give some to the family of the person who has passed away if that happens?

I will most certainly not be having children and he is well aware of this :D

I wouldn't be hurt. I think it's normal for parents to want to leave their money to their children, even if they do have grandchildren they love. They see it as their job to leave their money to their kids, and your job to leave your money to yours.

Since you have privately agreed to split it if one of you does die, and it's a long shot anyway, I would stop worrying about it.

NC for this.

This actually did happen to me, as a grandchild. My dad died when I was in my mid 20s, predeceasing his mum. Previously a third of her estate had been left to him (the other two thirds to his siblings) and in the event of his death it was to go to my brother and me. When my grandmother died this year, it turned out she changed her will after he died and left nothing to my brother and me, instead leaving everything to our dad’s two siblings and their children.

Neither my brother nor I have a lot of money and struggle to get by, while our aunt, uncle and cousins have always been wealthy (second homes wealthy). We were devastated and neither of us can think of our grandmother in the same way, and we’ll never have anything to do with our aunt, uncle or cousins again (not that they ever had anything much to do with us). We suspect some foul play as our grandmother had Alzheimer’s at the time the new will was written, but contesting a will isn’t easy.

I would definitely raise this with your dad. I can’t express in words the amount of hurt my brother and I have felt over this. It’s not just about the money, it’s about not even being considered.

I know of a family where the dad/gdad did the opposite - left it all to the grandchildren, blimey what shenanigans that caused.
Now, we once had a similar situation where one sibling of 5 had died long before the will was made and no provision had been made for the children of that sibling. The surviving siblings were all agreed that this was unfair so a deed of variation to the will was done to split the estate 5 rather than 4 ways. The fact that two siblings had 2 children, one had 3, one had 1, one had none made no difference - a 'sibling' split was agreed on.
ChildlessSis, presumably if you remain childless for whatever reason (and I do hope it's a positive for you reason) you would make a little provision in your will for your nephews and nieces, and that would be nice and fair.

@KItBattingGlove I can't believe you actually lobbied to remove inheritance from your nieces and nephews- because it wasn't fair on their cousins. I'd hope my brother would look after my kids with my share regardless of my dh's relationship status.

"Why do people think the childless sibling is being treated less equally?"

Because IMO they are if the parents are allowed to leave their share to their grandchildren in the event of their death.

IMO If you wanted to treat all 3 siblings equally and also give them the right to pass on their share to someone else in the event of their deaths then you need to give them the right to nominate who they wish their share of the money to go to in the event of their deaths. In this case the siblings with children can nominate the grandchildren if they wish, and the sibling without can nominate whoever they want as well. This of course may lead to the money going outside the immediate family, which the will writer may not want.

Bascially the current set up does not factor in the grandchildren at all and treats all siblings equally.

To be honest, if you and both your siblings are happy to give the money to the grandchildren if this situation did arise, I'd just leave it. He can't control what you do with the money after he has died. If I was in this situation, I would give my sister's children her share rather than keep it myself.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov what are you talking about nieces and nephews? My post was not my family and an independent financial advisor advised the Dad to split the inheritance that way. This was 25 years ago. I will never have any issues because my mum is already dead and my Dad lives comfortably but won't have any money to leave us.

@KItBattingGlove apologies. I can't believe your friend lobbied to ensure her nieces and nephews wouldn't inherit her sisters share because of inequality with their cousins.

Same situation here, my children are specifically excluded if their dad dies before his dad. Just 2 siblings, ours are only grandchildren. Whilst I am quietly disgusted there is no point saying anything and i am included as POA hence being aware (FIL mid 90s).

I don't understand that school of thought - in fact in our family there are specific moves to put money in trusts for grandchildren.

Fair point @GasPanic

No, the rules of intestacy state that if a person predeceases their parent, their share of the estate passes to their children (if there are any).

I think it's unusual to write a will in this way, leaving out grandchildren in the event that your child predeceases you. I don't know of anyone has written their will in this way (although I don't know what's in many peoples wills of course). We've written ours in such a way that it will carry on down to any children our children may have. My parents have written theirs in the same way. My MIL has written hers that in the event my DH predeceases her, his share comes to me, which I think is more unusual.

His money stays within the next generation of blood relatives. That means between his blood offspring, they totally control his assets and can decide for themselves how best to use them right away for benefit of blood relatives (including GC); or leave money in their own wills for all the grandchildren. You and the sibs have decided the survivors will equally share his assets among his blood relatives, which is exactly his intention.

If one of you predeceases him, his decision means his money won't fall into the hands of a son in law/daughter inlaw. (Or their new partner,stepchildren, or new children unrelated to your dad). It will be ringfenced for his own relatives.

It will by pass the inlaws (and any potential outlaws) and stay in the bloodline.

Our own wills carry a similar provision.

My Mum is sharing between her kids and grandkids and I don't think she should, I think it should just be her kids and then it's up to me and my brother if we want to then pass to our kids. (For reference, I have 2 kids and my brother has none, and I would share with my kids). But I don't see why my brother should get less because I've got kids and he hasn't.

I think it's unusual to write a will in this way, leaving out grandchildren in the event that your child predeceases you.

It may be done to protect the GC from an unreliable/mistrusted son in law/daughter in law. Instead, the money passes to the GC's trusted uncle or aunt who will ensure it actually benefits the GC.

If I understand you correctly you’re saying your Dad is leaving his money to you & your siblings directly? And you’re upset it’s not being left to your kids; his grandkids? Surely then you could just give your kids a percentage if you like. There’s no ‘extra’ money - the estate size stays the same regardless. it’s also maybe a question of ease for the executors. It’s a huge task to execute a will especially if there’s a lot of assets; and this way you can do as you please freely. I think you need to remove the emotion from it.. he is helping your kids by leaving some money to you.
My grandparents recently left an estate to my Dad of around £2m. They left me and my siblings £500 each… I’m not ungrateful and I feel it’s their money to do as they wish. I think they knew my dad would help others accordingly in the family if they needed.. I expect your Dad trusts you in the same way. Xo

@sjxoxo no I don't think that's what it is. The issue is that if OP predeceases her father, her children don't get anything. It all gets split between OP's siblings.

No, you've misunderstood slightly - OP is upset that dad has said that if she dies, her share of the inheritance will go to the other two siblings and NOT her children.

@sjxoxo no, in the event that one of us dies before my dad, my ‘share’ will be shared between my siblings, rather than passed down to my children.