She was right... he has left me : ( she got her wish

[Skynight9]

I remember my horrible abusive mum told me when my baby was 5 months old that my partner would soon leave me for someone else. Well she got her wish, he has left me. We have two children 5 and 7. I miss him, I miss our family life. He has met someone else now so I know there is no going back for us. That is it, I'm heartbroken. Our relationship wasn't perfect but we also had too many people interfering. Thinking back I can see all they ways that my mother would try to poison my relationship. Although I know it wasn't just that why it ended.

I am finding it all so hard to process. It was mainly due to not agreeing which county to live in. He wanted us to be nearer his family and I wanted to stay in the UK as it is what I know and felt more comfortable here with 2 babies. We made it work but there was strains and now he's left. He doesn't really keep much contact with the children anymore:(

I'm heart broken. I should have agreed to move to country he wanted, it is a nice country and I suppose we would have adjusted. I'm so sad, my poor babies. We all miss him. I can't bring myself to tell my mum, I know she would be rubbing her hands together in glee. I hate her, she has always been very abusive and was violent to me when I was younger. I then found something good and now I have lost it and I have lost it for my children 💔. This is not what I wanted. I can't process it all. My poor babies, I screwed up and the guilt is killing me.

So he has absolutely nothing to do with the relationship going wrong, like wanting you to move (thank goodness you didn't, imagine being stuck there now) and you know... finding someone else...

ps she was wrong, it's been years.

I feel as though our nice bright future and what could have been has been stolen. I've never felt like this before. It is more the heartbreak I feel for my children. I always wanted to be a good mum and now they have lost so much and I am partly to blame. But then I he could still see them like he used to if he wanted to. I don't know, I can't process it. I feel like it is making me mentally ill. We have lost so much, my poor babies. This is not what I wanted. I don't know what to do. I thought writing this out would help but it hasn't.

It sounds as though neither of them are deserving of you.

How recently did he leave? I think you are looking at him and your relationship with rose tinted glasses which is completely understandable at this stage but I hope you have some support around you.

In what way are you to blame? Because you wouldn't move?

He's cut contact with his own children, that's just as damaging as your mum's behaviour has been to you.

Because I know that if I would have moved then he wouldn't have left us and the children would still have their daddy. He was so kind and he adored the children, he would do anything for them. I never seen this coming. I should have just moved, I think the children would have enjoyed that country more and we may have had a better life there. I am just realising this now that the children are out of the baby stage. I felt too vulnerable moving over there when they were babies. My heart breaks every time they ask for him.

Maybe your mum saw something you did not see about him and her comment was about him not you. He left you because he is fickle not because you did not move, it would have happened anyway. Thank goodness you didn’t move before he wandered, you could have been stuck.

DH and I have moved overseas twice and moved back to the UK twice, neither of us would have put a move before our relationship. One day you will realise that you had a lucky escape from this shallow man, I know that today is not that day.

You should cut contact with your mum, she does not sound like someone you want to have in your life.

@Aprilx it was definitely about me.

@RockGirl I have gone no contact with her. She is beyond evil. I look at my children and wonder how my mum could treat her child the way she did me.

Or, the other view..... Your ex has abandoned you and his children because he cared more about where he wanted to live, than for his family (you and the dcs) .

If you have moved as he wanted you to, the chances are he would still have left, but you would now be alone and friendless in a foreign country, unable to take your children home, and quite possibly with a work/visa issue.

I know you are sad and shocked and worried for your dcs but honestly, no breakup is all one person's fault. Your instincts were, and are good. Take comfort in that.

What your mother thought 5 years ago (and what she thinks now) is irrelevant.

DH and I have moved overseas twice and moved back to the UK twice, neither of us would have put a move before our relationship

Our relationship must not have been strong enough. He hated the UK and his country is a lot nicer and he is really close to his family. He couldn't understand why I wanted to stay here but I just felt safer here with 2 babies because it is familiar. I don't even know if that makes sense to anyone. Now the children are a bit older and now that he has left, I feel that I made the wrong decision.

He hasn’t moved home to his own country though has he? He’s just abandoned you and the children and went off with someone new. It’s a bit rich to expect you to move to his home with two children without even being married to you. OP you are are in an awful place, but there is nothing to say this wouldn’t have happened when you were already moved far from home, alone with the children and totally dependant on a man who has wandered off. Your mum may be a cow but your ex is the only person to blame here

Personally I think you are in denial which is completely normal at this stage of a separation. A man does not leave a entire family over simply wanting to live elsewhere. If you truly loved someone, you would never do that. The fact he doesn’t speak much with his own children speaks volumes and does not suggest he cares for the children as you may think. The fact he has found another woman so early on is quite frankly despicable and something that most likely would’ve happened anyway. You are not to blame just because you didn’t want to move as he did. In a partnership you decide together. You don’t leave a whole family and then shack up with a new woman so soon after. It’s easy to blame your mother and yourself rather than facing he’s actually a worthless piece of shit.

Fair enough, my mother was abusive too (in different ways). But this is still nothing to do with her. This is him, he is a shallow man and no, he didn’t adore the children. If he did, he would want to see them.

The fact is that you dont know he wouldnt have left if you had moved.

Right now you are trying to rationalise what happened......who's fault was it? What can I change? Should I have done something differently?

You have decided it was the move abroad that would have prevented this happening but in the reality, he would probably have left anyway. Did he leave to move back to his country? Because if he didnt then this has nothing to do with that. He is free to go now and hasnt......so it wasnt that that caused this.

Also, he isnt a loving adoring father if he is barely having any contact with the children. Easy for someone to appear to be a "good" father when someone else is doing all the spade work. The reason he hardly has any contact is because the unpaid nanny (you) isnt doing all the feeding, cooking, shopping, caring etc anymore while he just does the fun stuff. He doesnt want to do the hard part of parenting so isnt bothering doing any parenting at all. I hope have at least got him nailed down on maintenance.

I think that the sooner you accept that the man you miss wasnt in fact the man you were married to, the easier it will be. He is selfish, self absorbed and uncaring both about you and your kids. Sorry but there it is.

ok there’s a lot to unpack there
firstly the relationship wasn’t good or he wouldn’t have been the type of man to leave his DP and his children
he wanted to move more than he wanted to be a dad or a DP. So no. It wasn’t good
and no you shouldnt have agreed to move.

it sounds like you have an abusive mum and probably because of that abuse you have gone on to have an unhealthy relationship with a not so great man, and had that relationship surrounded by toxic people.
i don’t feel like you’ve got a clear understanding of what is going on here, you’re internalising everyone else’s poor actions

certainly stay NC with mum, and then you don’t need to tell her anything anyway it’s not her business

he would do anything for them
except live in the same country as them or bother to keep in proper contact after he moved.

Have you told him how you feel?

@PyongyangKipperbang yes he is back in his country.

What a charmer. How is he supporting the children? Is he sending you money?

Oh I misread
he left and you are presuming it’s because you didn’t move several years ago.
you have no idea if that was it. You’re just looking for a way to flog yourself and make this your fault. It isn’t. You need to be kinder to yourself op and you need to reach out for some help.

Then he definitely didnt adore his kids did he?

No parent would put their own want of moving above their kids need of a present and attentive parent, even if the parents are not together.

I say again, selfish, self absorbed and uncaring.

One day you will see that the day he left was the day that the trash took itself out.

You will get there I promise. Each day will hurt a little less until one day you will realise that it hasnt hurt at all xx

I'm heart broken. I should have agreed to move to country he wanted, it is a nice country and I suppose we would have adjusted.

No no no no no.

Suppose you had - & you split up anyway?
Could you have easily brought your DC back? Would have been able to afford to relocate, find a new UK home for the 3 of you, would you even have been legally able to return with the DC if ex or his family had kicked up a stink?

Or you followed him to his country, the relationship remained intact on paper, but in fact you became increasingly isolated & resentful, your career was harder to start or re-start than you imagined, so all the parenting naturally fell to you, your ex expected you to become a hausfrau, so you were financially vulnerable, & just as trapped as the example above?

Trailing after somebody just to keep your relationship glued together rarely works out, unless both are you are fully committed & able to communicate & compromise. Stop blaming yourself for a relationship that could well fallen apart as easily (more easily!) abroad as at home, & start thanking your lucky stars that by staying, you are in a better position to build a good future for your kids by cracking on with your career without the hurdles of working in an adoptive country.

PS avoid your mum & keep posting.
Her opinion has fuck-all to do with whatever was in your ex's head.
She's proved nothing, & will be anything but helpful for you right now.

OP I’m sorry you feel so sad and I can understand it’s a real blow to your self esteem. However I don’t think it was by any means all your fault that the break-up happened; He went
off with an OW after all. In terms of not having moved countries, sometimes a change of habitat can be a last-ditch attempt to save a relationship and end up being the death knell. As pp have said, at least you’re not stuck abroad with fewer friends and possibly residence problems. And with your mother, if you are NC, try not to think about her - if you do you are still letting her abuse you. I know that’s easier said than done but I think that’s what
you have to try to do. This brings me to
another point - have you considered some kind of therapy or counselling? I think it might be a way to work on your self esteem which understandably has taken a battering and form a more positive way to move forward.

Neither of you has got it wrong. You can’t help what the heart wants, you want to stay in the uk and he wants his home country. However if he knew that he shouldn’t have started a family with you. Now is the time to do everything practical, sort out maintenance and visitation when your ready. Do you have anyone you can talk too with the breakup like friends or family etc. It hurts but it does get better,

My mother spent my whole childhood moving us from county to country to country, all over the world, to stay married to my father. Sacrificed mine and my two brothers health, education, social development etc because being married to my father was her number one priority, not her 3 children.

Didn't work. He cheated on her constantly, waited until my younger brother turned 18 and then left her for another woman. Family home had to be sold, my mother was left with a few thousand pounds, no pension, nothing. She now lives in a tiny housing association flat on an even tinier government disability pension (not UK). I've had no contact with my father since the day he left, 34 years ago.

I feel like it is making me mentally ill. We have lost so much, my poor babies. This is not what I wanted. I don't know what to do. I thought writing this out would help but it hasn't.

You may feel mentally fragile for a little while. Guess what? - that's OK!
It's a normal response to stress & sorrow. But please see your GP asap for advice. Possibly not an immediate medication route - see how you feel day by day on that one - but certainly signposting to mental health support services. You have a lot to unpick, & I'm not thinking about your ex here - I'm thinking about your mother.

Like so many PP with unfortunate parents, you need support, understanding, & maybe a community who understands the specific pressures of being an adult survivor of an unreasonable parent. So have a look here for the Stately Homes threads, by & for adult children of dysfunctional parents.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3786141-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-January-2020-onwards

You might also find benefit with this site. You are likely to 'recognise' a lot of the behaviours/scenarios/characters. outofthefog.website/who-we-are
The FOG part of the name refers to the classic combo of Fear / Obligation / Guilt which keeps survivors in thrall to toxic relations.

You will get through this, & you are capable of finding new ways to cope with your mother. Not immediately, & it's possibly too much to think about right now on top of your horrible break-up. But when you feel ready, please follow up - because I can assure you: your romantic relationships will be closely connected to the toxic internal beliefs about yourself that your mother will have instilled in you with the harsh unbringing she gave you.