She was right... he has left me : ( she got her wish

[Skynight9]

I remember my horrible abusive mum told me when my baby was 5 months old that my partner would soon leave me for someone else. Well she got her wish, he has left me. We have two children 5 and 7. I miss him, I miss our family life. He has met someone else now so I know there is no going back for us. That is it, I'm heartbroken. Our relationship wasn't perfect but we also had too many people interfering. Thinking back I can see all they ways that my mother would try to poison my relationship. Although I know it wasn't just that why it ended.

I am finding it all so hard to process. It was mainly due to not agreeing which county to live in. He wanted us to be nearer his family and I wanted to stay in the UK as it is what I know and felt more comfortable here with 2 babies. We made it work but there was strains and now he's left. He doesn't really keep much contact with the children anymore:(

I'm heart broken. I should have agreed to move to country he wanted, it is a nice country and I suppose we would have adjusted. I'm so sad, my poor babies. We all miss him. I can't bring myself to tell my mum, I know she would be rubbing her hands together in glee. I hate her, she has always been very abusive and was violent to me when I was younger. I then found something good and now I have lost it and I have lost it for my children 💔. This is not what I wanted. I can't process it all. My poor babies, I screwed up and the guilt is killing me.

You are hanging on to the moving thing. If you had moved then there is no guarantee you wouldn’t be in the same situation, but stuck in his country. Another thank goodness you didn’t move.

Because I know that if I would have moved then he wouldn't have left us and the children would still have their daddy.
You don't know any such thing.
You are just beating yourself up, because your mother instilled that habit into you. Looking for a way to kid yourself that things would have been better if you had just done what HE wanted instead of what YOU knew was best for you & your DC.

He was so kind and he adored the children, he would do anything for them.
😂
Except stay in the country he fathered them in, or bother having much to do with them after he chose to abandon them.

I never seen this coming. I should have just moved, I think the children would have enjoyed that country more and we may have had a better life there.
No you shouldn't. You'd likely be in exactly the same position as you are now, without the means to support yourself in the same way as you can in your home country.

I am just realising this now that the children are out of the baby stage. I felt too vulnerable moving over there when they were babies.
And you'd be just as vulnerable over there now they are 5 & 7, should he have chosen to walk away from you & his kids anyway.
You felt vulnerable because your instincts were screaming at you to trust yourself, not him.
You were correct, weren't you? You should feel proud of yourself for that.

My heart breaks every time they ask for him.
Of course it does, Your heart is breaking for 2, because your ex isn't & you feel you have to love them even more. Don't worry about that, you will.
Is ex amenable to facetime or the like, so they can at least chat to him onscreen?
If he is, tell him it needs to be regular & reliable, or not to bother. He can't disconcert the kids by making promises he doesn't keep.
But if he CAN do that it can become a routine DC look forward to.

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. Many relationships break down so I wouldn't put any stock in your mum's predictions. I live abroad and have seen many posts on Facebook groups in many countries about Mum's or Dad's stuck wherever they moved to because they can't take the kids back to the UK (or wherever'home' is). There's every chance that the relationship won't have worked out even if you had moved and honestly the repercussions on you would have been so much worse. Try and focus on your DC and the kind of relationship you didn't have with your own mother growing up. You will come through this. For now be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes. Build a village for yourself and the DC.

So, this man chose to have 2 children with you, did not marry you, and yet expected you to up sticks and move to a foreign country which was completely alien to you?

He then abandoned you and his children, got himself a new woman and buggered off to said country ?

Let me guess, he pays minimal or no maintenance?

And you really, truly believe this would have turned out fine if only you had acted against every fibre of your being and had moved to this country, where you might not have any right to citizenship?

And if he had left you anyway, which seems quite likely, given his absent moral compass, you'd have been stuck far from home, unable to return with your children...

Thank your lucky stars he's gone and you and your children are safe.

He hated the UK and his country is a lot nicer and he is really close to his family.

Yet he chose to impregnate a UK woman with UK babies.
Then abandon her.
What a giant, selfish twat.

Is the fucker at least sending you child maintenance?

Thank you all. It has helped me process it a little more.

I'm thinking maybe Australia or New Zealand? The thing is you don't sound exactly like the right person to emigrate. You stated that wanted to stay in the UK as it is what you knew and you felt more comfortable in the UK with 2 babies. That's not usually mindset of somebody who is happy settled in another country. Also, there are lots of cases where the couple end up in the husband's home country, the marriage breaks down and she cannot take the children back to her home country because the father won't agree. Oh and that disgreement often doesn't translate into actually helping with the children. So, you might have avoided being unhappily stuck there if the relationship broke down.

Why the hell are you still in contact with her? And allowing your children contact with her? Does she drag them around by the hair? I would not let her within an inch of them.

It sounds as though you were sensible to stand your ground and not move overseas. As otherwise, you may not have been able to bring them back to the UK.

Your partner sounds like an arsehole too. Perhaps it would be worth looking into some therapy to help you process this? Sounds like you have really low self esteem.

Get in touch with a solicitor and protect yourself legally. What are your living/financial arrangements?

Oh darling let me assure you - nothing IMPORTANT has backfired.

The best thing that ever happened in your children's lives was your realisation that YOU would be the parent who broke the generational chain of abuse.

Abuse tends to propagate itself through families. New parents who make conscious decisions to invest in their & the DC's mental wellbeing & consciously resist the patterns of destructive behaviour modelled to them in their own early years are heroes.

When you feel ready for it - & have time to decompress afterwards, because self-care is vital, & you may stumble onto information or trigger points which take some processing - have a really good look round the FOG site linked upthread.
Here's the Toolbox to get you started - outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro, see also their Resources, Forum & Personality Disorders sections.
Take your time, reward yourself afterwards with a small relaxing or fun treat ...

Ring your GP tomorrow! There'll probably be a wait for an appointment: ask for a double appt, if your surgery facilitates this. Explain about your family background, your current stressors, & ask for guidance to trauma-based therapy.

Meanwhile of you want to focus on a super role model who REALLY gets personality-disordered behaviour like your mother's, sdtart fan-girling the lovely Dr Ramani - https://www.youtube.com/user/DoctorRamanDurvasula

PS You mother is an unmitigated cunt.
There! I said it! And look - nothing bad has happened because I said it.
You can say it too.
My mother was an unmitigated cunt too. About 25% of my body is scarred from her strange & revolting sadism, & decades on, I mainly just feel pity for her & occasional sorrow for me.
I have survived due to amazing chums & solid therapy. So will you.
When you feel like you might not, & you get the wavering self-doubt & addiction of self-blame - watch Dr Ramani, she is very soothing, but also has fire in her belly (ie no bullshit).

Your ex?
Meh. Just a sperm donor. Thank fuck you didn't dutifully trot after him.
You can do this, Skynight.
'

2nd the comments about speaking to your GP and pursuing counseling.

It's good you've cut contact with your mother. She abused you. She was very likely abused herself and the cycle continued.

Right now, you've got this cunt of a man on a pedestal, blaming yourself.

He likely was always an arse.
He's not a good or decent man.

He didn't marry you.
He cheated on you and abandoned his children to piss off back to his country.
I'm guessing Australia.
Did he also leave you all the bills and debt related to your housing, child care, cars, and other things of a life you built together?
Is he paying anything toward that or his children?

Imagine moving to his country and being unmarried and then he decided to cheat and abandon all of you.
You would likely be stuck in a country you didn't want to be in because of the children.

Definitely speak to your GP and get some counseling.

Well, do you still get along okay? Why don't you visit him for a set time. (As long as the new country will not have crazy laws that allow him to keep the children or anything weird like that.) Stay for six weeks and include having your children in school there for two of those weeks. Assess whether later in the coming years you would like to live there for a few years and share the child care like before, even if you no longer are married. It could be a wonderful chance of a delightful lifestyle.

You are in shock and grieving your marriage and this is completely normal and understandable.

But your husband was not a good or nice man. He was a man who found it easy to abandon his wife and children. If it hadn't been here and now then it would have been somewhere else at a later time. A decent loving man does not do this. A responsible father maintains contact, fights for contact, nurtures bonds and relationships with his children. This is not your husband. He is despicable and in time you will see this.

Your comments about your mother blaming you for your father leaving are very telling.

She needed someone to blame for him leaving and chose you. You need someone to blame for your husband leaving.....and chose you.

Your mother is a bitter twisted individual who wants you to suffer and hurt because she suffered and hurt. That is not the action of an emotionally healthy person. An emotionally healthy person would do what all of us who have some experience of what you are feeling are doing, and what you will do for someone else one day too, and that is to be there, wish you love and be supportive. And we all, ALL, wish that you didnt have to feel the pain that we felt. None of us would ever wish it on to you. YOu are right that your mother is truly evil.

What worries me though is that you say you are no contact but you dont want to tell her he has left. Why do you need to tell her? She is not in your life, you dont have to tell her anything. It worries me that you are still in the mindset of feeling like you should.

What a fucking stupid thing to suggest.

That is all I am going to say as all the things that I am thinking will get me an MNHQ telling off.

When you are able to look at this with more clarity you will see that the likely outcome of you moving would have been that you were stuck alone in a foreign country raising two children and unable to easily return home.

A man that will do anything for his children does not abandon their mother for another woman.

Give yourself some time to grieve, but don’t trick yourself into thinking he is blameless and you are fully responsible for this. You are not.

No loving, adoring father stops seeings and speaking and supporting his children- regardless of who he’s with and which country he lives in! Your ex is scum. Your mother is abhorrent. You deserve better OP, get angry with him now too!

I think a lot,of stuff is muddled in your head. Which is understandable

firstly the issue with your mother, I think it is Important you get therapy to deal with that.

the issue with your relationship breaking down is separate. It is not your mothers fault, and you need to deal with it as a separate issue.

Because I know that if I would have moved then he wouldn't have left us and the children would still have their daddy.

This is not true and deep down you know it. A man who abandons his children so easily, doesn’t need a reason just an excuse and they will always have an excuse. Be very grateful you didn’t move because being dumped abroad, would have been harder.

Your partner was not the hero you wanted him to be and proving your toxic mother wrong probably contributed to you overlooking his less than stellar characteristics/ behaviour.

Mourn the relationship you thought you had and in time you will accept the reality. This advice can also be applied to your mother and maybe you can work towards in distancing yourself emotionally and physically from her.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you but I think, as a PP has already said, you’re viewing the relationship through rose tinted glasses. Despite how you’ve just described him he doesn’t sound in the least bit kind and he’s far from the type of Father who would ‘do anything for the children’. Loving husbands and fathers don’t abandon their families just because they don’t get their own way. I know it doesn’t feel like it at the moment but you have really dodged a bullet. Imagine being in a different country with no friends or family to support you when you discovered what a weak man he is. His true nature would have become apparent eventually, it always does.

He stopped contact with his kids, he can't be that kind. And don't tell your mum! You have no responsibility to tell her.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, be strong it'll get better and from the sounds of him I don't think you'll always look back and feel like this.

My dh is from a different country. At times he has expressed a wish to move back. I have said no for a variety of reasons including my poor health. I have lived in the country in the past btw and am fluent in the language.

If we ever split up, I know dh would stay in the uk and live 10 minutes down the road. Why? Because he couldn’t bear to be parted from my dd.

Post Brexit we both went dual nationality. For me, it was to ensure I could be near dd in the future if she decided she wanted to live in dh’s country, I could move there too without a load of red tape. We are a family and stick together.

You have absolutely done the right thing. You protected your primary relationship with your children. It would have been reckless to take them abroad as an unmarried mother.

Someone who adores their children and would do anything for them, would not just abandon them and their mother.

I think you need to see him for what he is now...

Why do you need to tell your mother anything if you have gone NC? She is a whole other issue unfortunately, but please don't depend on her for support.

I am sorry this has happened to you but honestly I think you are better off without these people in your life.

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you. I think you are well rid. He doesn't seem to care enough about the children just too be part of their life. They've got you though ,a very good person and mother you're carrying on despite everything that's happened. Your mother though abusive as you say ,isn't to blame for his behaviour . He is to blame for his actions . He made these choices. He could at least be part of the children's lives.

If he adored his children he would be seeing them now regularly and he’s not. The only person to blame is him I’d say. For not keeping it in his pants