Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

She was right... he has left me : ( she got her wish

131 replies

Skynight9 · 30/01/2023 23:41

I remember my horrible abusive mum told me when my baby was 5 months old that my partner would soon leave me for someone else. Well she got her wish, he has left me. We have two children 5 and 7. I miss him, I miss our family life. He has met someone else now so I know there is no going back for us. That is it, I'm heartbroken. Our relationship wasn't perfect but we also had too many people interfering. Thinking back I can see all they ways that my mother would try to poison my relationship. Although I know it wasn't just that why it ended.

I am finding it all so hard to process. It was mainly due to not agreeing which county to live in. He wanted us to be nearer his family and I wanted to stay in the UK as it is what I know and felt more comfortable here with 2 babies. We made it work but there was strains and now he's left. He doesn't really keep much contact with the children anymore:(

I'm heart broken. I should have agreed to move to country he wanted, it is a nice country and I suppose we would have adjusted. I'm so sad, my poor babies. We all miss him. I can't bring myself to tell my mum, I know she would be rubbing her hands together in glee. I hate her, she has always been very abusive and was violent to me when I was younger. I then found something good and now I have lost it and I have lost it for my children 💔. This is not what I wanted. I can't process it all. My poor babies, I screwed up and the guilt is killing me.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 31/01/2023 11:24

He would have still left if you and been in another country.

Pick yourself up. Have a fab life and give yourself time. You deserve happiness with people who will be there for you

KettrickenSmiled · 31/01/2023 11:25

Squamata · 31/01/2023 10:46

I think you're amazing, OP.

Your mother was abusive. Maybe her mother was abusive too, or something horrible happened to her, who knows. It wasn't right and she didn't model good relationships to you.

Your ex cheated on you and has left your kids without keeping in contact. That says he has a lack of respect for himself and the people closest to him.

You've kept it together and you've recognised your mother for what she is, and you're raising your kids alone. And yet despite all this, you're here worrying if you're good enough. To break the cycle of abuse is amazing and powerful.

Your kids will have kids and show them the same kindness and gentleness you're showing them. Their kids will have kids and their kids and so on. In centuries from now, people could be having happier lives because of the effort you're making now not to give your kids the upbringing you had.

👏👏👏Applause is for you as well as the post OP.

I agree with every word Squamata wrote, & repeat - parents who actively choose to break the cycle of generational abuse ARE HEROES.

Rollingaroundinmud · 31/01/2023 11:36

KettrickenSmiled · 31/01/2023 11:21

The ire - which I share completely btw - comes from that poster's inability to read simple sentences & understand that - 1) popping abroad for 6 weeks & having the resources to arrange a fortnight in a local school takes good local connections & a shit ton of money - the first of which OP definitely does NOT have - she only has a hostile ex & a family who will have been told convenient lies about her - & 2) the hostile partner is already shacked up with another woman.

Why so hostile if I had the money I would do it.
You know this thread isn't about YOU, but about a single parent who cannot trust her birth family for support, & is likely as cash-strapped by childcare etc as most single-income households raising 2 young children, right?
My partner has discussed it with me but it takes money to do it.
You know this thread isn't about YOU, but about a single parent whose partner has abandoned her & their children, & is likely as cash-strapped by childcare etc as most single-income households raising 2 young children, right?

Leaving your ex doesn't make them hostile it didn't work out. Him running back home makes him cowardly not hostile. It's up to the op and her ex to work out arrangements in how he will see his children now he has gone back home. It's not the children's fault.

She has her own family to worry about not her mother she is wasting her time with her.

georgarina · 31/01/2023 11:54

OP, I get where you're coming from. My mum was horribly abusive and always told me no one would ever love me, I'd never have a boyfriend or a husband, etc. So when I was 19 and in my first proper relationship it was like OMG, she was wrong, I am lovable and life will be ok!

Then when it turned out he wasn't very nice at all (much older than me and had been dishonest, then let it blow up in my face really horribly) I completely blamed myself and took it to mean she had been right all along and I was actually worthless and unlovable.

That couldn't be further from the truth, though. He's now a distant memory. It's just the trauma and baggage that makes it feel that way, like they were right, there's something wrong with me, it's all my fault. But that's genuinely nothing to do with it - they were a shit person and it tapped into a preexisting trauma (not reality).

Hope you feel better soon <3

BigglyBee · 31/01/2023 12:20

Every time something terrible happens (to anyone) there is likely to be someone who takes pleasure from it. Those people often predict disasters accurately, because they only ever predict disaster, it's their only response to anything, so every so often they turn out to be right. They don't know anything special about the people around them, they just enjoy misery, the thought of future misery and they get pleasure from spoiling the special moments in life for other people.

My mother also did this to me, and for the longest time I believed that all her troubles (which were mostly invented!) were my fault. OP, your mother mustn't be allowed to get away with teaching you that men leaving are your fault. You didn't make this happen, just like you didn't make your father leave.

If it was so hard for your ex to live in this country, he could have tried to convince you to move, he could have worked out ways for you not to be disadvantaged by the move, or he could have worked with you to make it better for him here. At no point did you force him into bed with another woman. Counselling would have been reasonable and sensible. He could even have broken up with you, established a contact schedule with your children and then moved on, moved away and fucked whoever he wanted to. He could have thought of your joint children at any point, but he chose not to.

Adultery is never a sensible, kind or reasonable response to any problem. Similarly, if he choses not to keep in contact with his children (given how easy it is, with Zoom, Skype, email, texting,etc) then it would likely have made no difference. When he cheated, he would have abandoned every part of your life together, including your children. And he would have cheated wherever you were. There is no country which makes adulterers out of good men.

Please, whatever else you do, don't let your children think that this is in any way your fault. It will damage them, and your relationship with them.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/01/2023 17:54

Rollingaroundinmud · 31/01/2023 11:36

Leaving your ex doesn't make them hostile it didn't work out. Him running back home makes him cowardly not hostile. It's up to the op and her ex to work out arrangements in how he will see his children now he has gone back home. It's not the children's fault.

She has her own family to worry about not her mother she is wasting her time with her.

What, other than hostility toward his ex & DC, would make a father abandon them? You still have not read even OP's initial post correctly, & are still inciting her to wishful thinking.
He doesn't really keep much contact with the children anymore:(

He doesn't contact them, even by the easy virtual means available, lives abroad, & has made no arrangements in how he will see his children.

It's odd that you consider THAT a non-hostile act toward his family, but labelled @PyongyangKipperbang hostile because with you disagreed with her valid horror at PP's insane suggestion to fly out to the ex's country on a 6 week jolly.
So you'll have to agree to disagree with me, as I can't give your interpretation of hostility any credence.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page