She was right... he has left me : ( she got her wish

[Skynight9]

I remember my horrible abusive mum told me when my baby was 5 months old that my partner would soon leave me for someone else. Well she got her wish, he has left me. We have two children 5 and 7. I miss him, I miss our family life. He has met someone else now so I know there is no going back for us. That is it, I'm heartbroken. Our relationship wasn't perfect but we also had too many people interfering. Thinking back I can see all they ways that my mother would try to poison my relationship. Although I know it wasn't just that why it ended.

I am finding it all so hard to process. It was mainly due to not agreeing which county to live in. He wanted us to be nearer his family and I wanted to stay in the UK as it is what I know and felt more comfortable here with 2 babies. We made it work but there was strains and now he's left. He doesn't really keep much contact with the children anymore:(

I'm heart broken. I should have agreed to move to country he wanted, it is a nice country and I suppose we would have adjusted. I'm so sad, my poor babies. We all miss him. I can't bring myself to tell my mum, I know she would be rubbing her hands together in glee. I hate her, she has always been very abusive and was violent to me when I was younger. I then found something good and now I have lost it and I have lost it for my children 💔. This is not what I wanted. I can't process it all. My poor babies, I screwed up and the guilt is killing me.

"Our relationship wasn't perfect" - what do you mean by this OP?

I think you've moved from an abusive upbringing to a messed-up marriage, which is really normal unfortunately.

This man is contemptible - leaving his children behind like that is unforgivable.

It may be hard for you to see this now, due in part to your abusive upbringing, but you have lost absolutely nothing of value in this man.

I'm sorry life has dealt you such a cruel hand. You deserve so much more than your bitch of a mother and cunt of a partner have given you. I truly hope one day you will realise this.

This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read.

stay strong OP, honestly you may not think so now, but you’ve had a really lucky escape. Stay NC with your mother. In time, you will heal and be grateful you aren’t trapped at the arse end of the world unable to bring your children home.

Lone parent of 13 years here.

You will be ok.

Once you've grieved and processed the situation for what it is (he's a selfish twat) your fight will kick back in.

Get some support, go to your GP, get a new routine in place for the kids and you.

When these things happen, it's a bit like being wrapped in cling film, everything feels muffled. It will pass, you will recover, your anger will take over.

Eventually, you won't give a shit about him, you'll be focusing on your life and your kids.

I think if you are in a relationship with someone from a different country you have to accept that there is some give and take and you should be prepared to compromise on where to live. My ex-DH always refused to even consider moving to Sweden where I’m from and this built so much resentment over the years. Like your ex I also had a tight nit family and lots of friends back home, in the UK there was only my MIL and she lived 4 hours away and was very uninterested in our kids. Once kids were late primary they also started talking about wanting to move to Sweden and once they were secondary aged I started planning for the move and when they were mid/late teens I divorced and they moved with me. I wasn’t happy compromising my and my kids life for some stubborn man who thought he knew best any longer. Me and the kids are now so happy living in Sweden, and my ex is miserable living in the UK.

Having said that though, your ex actually left his kids behind, that is something I could never have done. I know that desperate feeling of wanting to go home and I know what it does with the feelings you have for the person stopping you, but leaving your kids is a dick move. He’s not that nice.

He was so kind and he adored the children, he would do anything for them.

I don’t think a kind and adoring father would leave his children and not really contact them much much anymore.

The fact that he moved to another country shows his true colours.

Your instincts told you to stay in this country and you 100% made the right decision. Because he likely would have left you on his country too and then refused to let you take the kids, so you would have been stuck there.

I know you can’t see it now, but you did the right thing. You have a future here. You have your kids here. He is looking less and less like a man worth having.

Mate, the guy's a shitbag. What kind of man abandons his two children and their mother to move to another country?!

Your mum sounds horrible but this isn't to do with her.

But I'm sorry you've been dealing with two such awful people around you.

I would defo be taking steps to ensure that your children don’t go on ‘holiday’ to his home country and never come back, especially when they are a little bit older and less needy. Make sure you have their passports and keep your ear to the ground for things they say when they have been seeing him and his family.

OP he is not lovely 'he would do anything for his children'...what, apart from want to live in the same country as them? Make an effort to see them?

You might not see it now but you did the rright thing, he could have left you anyway and then youd have been stuck in a foreign country on your own with no support and wouldn't have been able to leave because it is illegal with kids. You'd potentially be alone with no kids. And you dont know that he wouldn't have left you...someone that has kids with someone in one country then insists on moving to another country and breaks up a family for this, doesn't prioritise his family either way.

I think the relationship with your mum has skewed what a healthy relationship looks like for you. Please stop blaming yourself for your relationship breakdown, he was giving unreasonable ultimatums, he is the one that left and you're the one thats providing your kids with some stability

Well done op for not leaving or else you be abandoned in another country. You been let down by two people who should have supported you the most emotionally. However you got two beautiful children and now no NC with your evil mum. The world is yours. Take each day as it comes and get advice re financial and support from friends. Xxx

Echo the PP about therapy. So much work to do here PP. also when you go to the GP please ask for an STD test/.

I think you need to reframe the situation.

He chose to have a relationship with a woman in another country. He chose to have children. He chose to pressurise then to move (can you speak his language?). Then he chose to leave. He has chosen not to keep in contact with his own kids. Instead he has prioritised his wants over his young children’s needs. He got himself in this situation and he’s so pathetic he then walks away. He’s not a good dad.

I don’t think you have mentioned his country but I’d be intrigued to know where, if you have any connections to it or if you speak the language or have even visited there. What were your job prospects like thee? Because If you had moved there then he could have split up and you would have had to remain there.

Have you thought that maybe he was desperate for you all to move there so it became the kids main country of residence THEN he was going to split up with you. You would then be on your own, abroad. How would you live in that country if he had left?

I think Well done for not going.

Skynight9 ·
Because I know that if I would have moved then he wouldn't have left us and the children would still have their daddy.

You do KNOW that that is complete bullshit, don't you? You could have gone to the moon and he would find someone else.

It was not your fault. He presumably cheated on you and if he has, it's absolutely his fault. You are not a bad mother you are still with your children and haven't abandoned them. You are not your mother either.

How lucky that you didn't move to this man's country with the children! Because frankly, if it hadn't been that excuse, it would have been another. He sounds a bit pathetic tbh.

While I do agree that you could probably benefit from some counselling, I also think that you are a very strong woman. You cut out the evil influence of your mother, you stood firm in your belief that it was better to stay here with the children- you have a lot to be proud of.

You're going to have a splendid life, I just know it.

Except he’s shown that he wouldn’t do anything for the children by leaving and not keeping in contact.

You’re not to blame for this. He left you for another woman. That, to me, doesn’t make him very kind or good. That makes him a despicable person with low morals.

he left you because you wouldn’t or weren’t ready to leave your home country and do what he wanted. That in no way reflects badly on you or makes you to blame. If he’d been so keen on going there he should have clarified that before committing to be with you.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but you need to stop blaming yourself for his and her actions. Their actions and choices are their own.

Go no or low contact with your mum. Sounds like she just brings you down. It’s perfectly okay to cut toxic people from your life. Even if they are family.

Think about it like this. Imagine that you’d moved to this other country. Uprooted your life, your kids and were away from your support network. You’re in a foreign country. He does the same thing that he’s done to you now because an AH needs no excuse to be an AH. What then?

Be thankful that you found out what he’s like now before taking such a leap and you now know how not committed he was to your family. This is going to be hard but stay strong. This isn’t your fault. It’s his.

My love, if he’s a cheat, he cheats.

imagine just how far up shit creek you’d be if you were out there and the fucker cheated on you and left.

at least you’re here and can rebuild more easily.

your mum is poisonous, but she has no power to affect anything, the only part she might have had to play in all this is by her piss poor parenting, she’s eroded your self esteem and battered your boundaries so that you’re not as able to spot the red flags.

so turn the page on him, it’s over, move on as soon and as well as you can, and leave her out of it. Don’t tell her anything, keep her at a distance and work towards NC.

Hi op - I think this has triggered some of your own childhood trauma. Your mother is a very abusive damaged woman. It’s good if you can stay away from her. She abandoned you just like your partner did - he has also abandoned his children for his own needs.
You seem like a loving caring woman.
You could consider therapy to unpick this.
If he’s just left then it could be the shock that’s causing these thoughts and they may pass.
Children who are brought up in abusive homes tend to blame themselves when things go wrong. They feel responsible for others feelings and neglect there own.
You may want to check out Adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunctional families website at some time.
I hope you have friends who can support you.
It is not your fault.
🌺🌺

You weren’t ready to leave your home country. Neither was he. But he was daft enough to do it, have a relationship, two kids and then realise his error. You did the right thing. You will get through this. Focus on the good things. Write down three good things about your day, everyday. Look back over them at the end of Feb. It sounds corny but it works.

Dear @Skynight9 when your selfish and shallow ex comes back to the UK (presumably the UK?), to see the children, please insist on him only doing so on officially supervised visits, and when you are asked why by anyone official, tell them that before he left you he used to say that if the two of you ever broke up he would take the children to live in his country, and they would never be allowed back, even to visit you. Of course, also never, ever, agree to him taking them abroad, and keep their passports hidden somewhere he can't find them. If they haven't got passports, please get them some immediately, and then find somewhere to keep them that he cannot get access to them.

If your ex tries pulling on your heartstrings over this, please do not feel sorry for him, harden your heart, he will almost certainly be acting his pain and heartbreak anyway, and if he isn't acting, he will still be plotting on how to take the children to live in his country. The children would have a terrible life being forcefully taken from you, and he would keep on lying about you to them, until they believe that you didn't want them, that you were happy and relieved to send them away.

I really hope that your heart does not mourn for this man for very long at all, as it is mourning an illusion. He is not what, or who, you think he is. One day you will realise this, it may be a sudden awakening to the truth, or it may be very slow and sadly painful. But you and your gorgeous children are going to be fine OP. In the mean time, please be kind and gentle with yourself, you deserve and need to nurture yourself, as well as your Dearest Children xx

He abandoned his family. He put his own desires first. He abandoned his kids.

He could still have a relationship with them from the other country, but he has chosen not to.

A man abandoning his children is not the actions of a man who "adores his children". Relationships break down but you don't abandon your children. He's a cubt and you sound like a teenager tbh.

And this.

No one who is kind and adores their children moves to another country and never sees them. No one.

This isn't your fault and beating yourself up isn't going to make it better. You can make it better by being the best parent to your DC that you can be and showing them that you are their safe place, you are the one they can always count on.

This post, ten times over ^

OP I am sorry you are so heartbroken, one foot in front of the other and it will get better. I am sorry for your kids, but at least they have familiarity, their friends, their home and, most importantly, you.

You couldn't move at the time and that was perfectly reasonable. It's just as well that you are not now trapped in another country that you didn't want to be in!

How about blaming him instead - knowing that he wanted so much to live in his country, why did he start a family in the UK?

Even if he told you he left because you woudn't move, it doesn't mean that is the real reason. It just means that's a reason he thought would make sense and be a good excuse.