She was right... he has left me : ( she got her wish

[Skynight9]

I remember my horrible abusive mum told me when my baby was 5 months old that my partner would soon leave me for someone else. Well she got her wish, he has left me. We have two children 5 and 7. I miss him, I miss our family life. He has met someone else now so I know there is no going back for us. That is it, I'm heartbroken. Our relationship wasn't perfect but we also had too many people interfering. Thinking back I can see all they ways that my mother would try to poison my relationship. Although I know it wasn't just that why it ended.

I am finding it all so hard to process. It was mainly due to not agreeing which county to live in. He wanted us to be nearer his family and I wanted to stay in the UK as it is what I know and felt more comfortable here with 2 babies. We made it work but there was strains and now he's left. He doesn't really keep much contact with the children anymore:(

I'm heart broken. I should have agreed to move to country he wanted, it is a nice country and I suppose we would have adjusted. I'm so sad, my poor babies. We all miss him. I can't bring myself to tell my mum, I know she would be rubbing her hands together in glee. I hate her, she has always been very abusive and was violent to me when I was younger. I then found something good and now I have lost it and I have lost it for my children 💔. This is not what I wanted. I can't process it all. My poor babies, I screwed up and the guilt is killing me.

I am sorry that you are hurting OP. As people have said there are 2 different issues here.

You had a disagreement on where to live, there have been times my husband, especially following Brexit, wanted to leave the U.K., but in the end we decided to stay here, he would never have gone without me and the kids. Your partner was selfish and that is something you have to come to terms with. You are looking for someone to blame and it’s him, would you have left your kids had you moved to his country and been unhappy? I’m guessing not.

Either way you need to grieve find acceptance and move on. I hope he is providing some financial support but I imagine you cannot rely on it.

Look to what life you can create for you and your kids, a stable family home. Happiness will come. Good luck x

If he's the type of man that stops talking to his kids because he isn't with their mum anymore then you're all better off without him.
Stop blaming yourself. You can make your future yourself. You don't need him

The trash just took itself out. You need some therapy to process it all but exactly none of this is your fault. He doesn't love you or his children more than his own whims and desires. Those whims and desires would have changed and you'd have been abandoned in a foreign country. You had GOOD instincts and kept your kids safe. Well done!

Why are you making this about your mum OP?

‘He was so kind and he adored the children, he would do anything for them’

Apart from live in the same country and see them apparently. What a dick for abandoning his kids.

So sorry you are going through such a hurtful thing OP.

It sounds as though, like many children of abusive parents, you were made to feel responsible for all their problems, and that it was up to you to make everything better. An impossible task for a small child. Now you are blaming yourself for your partner leaving, because your conditioning is that bad things are down to you and you should have tried harder. They are not and you couldn't. Listen to all the PPs. They are right.
Do read the stately homes thread in the link above. Hopefully then others' stories will help to lift the scales from your eyes as far as your mother is concerned and you will accept that you weren't responsible for her problems. Once you realise that, and the pattern it set up, you will start to see more clearly what is going on with your partner. Be strong for your little ones OP, and do for them what your mother didn't do for you; keep them secure and happy and feeling worthy of love.

Your husband is a shit. He left his kids to fuck off abroad with another woman. If you’d gone with him he’d probably still have found someone else because he’s a cheating shit, except then you’d have been abroad and not here. I think you need to try and shake off the sadness and self pity and get angry at him instead.

What country did he want you to move to?

Err... your ex is not so perfect if he left his family for someone else and cut contact with his kids. Hold your head up high and get some self-respect back. He's the bad guy here, not you!

If he adored the children as you say, and would do anything for them, he would not have put them through this.

Whether he would have left you or not if you'd moved none of us will ever know, but I suspect he would, because this is a p*ss-poor excuse to end a marriage and break the hearts of your wife and children. If it wasn't this particular woman he would have met another.

You would have been in a strange country (different language?) and possibly not even been able to keep your children with you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You deserve better.

All of this!

The best thing that ever happened in your children's lives was your realisation that YOU would be the parent who broke the generational chain of abuse.

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS

@Skynight9 do you and your children speak the language of his country fluently.

would there have been plenty of work and socialisation opportunities for you? Or would you be reliant on him for everything? What are women’s and mothers rights like in his country?

what are the education and medical system like. Would your kids have fit in? Or we hold it have taken quite a while.

whsts his family like? Speak English well? Accepting if you end the children?

this move was all about his wants. Not yours or the children’s. And he was just as likely to have had enough of being a father/family of you had moved.

you need to learn to be a stronger person for your children. it sounds like he left a while ago if he’s already over there and met someone else? And if he’s not interested in seeing the children- then he’s not worthy of continuing to be in their lives.

please get therapy. Please move on.

You say he was kind and adored the kids, would do anything for them.

But he's fucked off without a second thought for his children. Surely you can see the contradiction here?

Your mum is projecting and also quite frankly, could see that he was a dickhead but because she is bitter and defensive she has made it seem that he will leave you because of a fault in you and not a fault in him. She may have been right about him leaving but maybe him leaving is the biggest blessing because honestly, a man who can up and leave and forget about his children (regardless of his rl with you) could and would do this at any time and probably repeatedly. They are honestly better off in the long run without him.

You have a future with your children that can be as bright as you want to make it - you can put him behind you. He will resurface they always do, but you'll be stronger by then and will have set firm boundaries and a wall of protection around yourself and your children.

Once you let go of the thought that he was in any way a good man for you - you will be free to move forward in a way that your mum will envy. Show her how it's done.

I feel as though our nice bright future and what could have been has been stolen.

By him though!! You same to be blaming every Tom, Dick and harry except your cheating husband.
No doubt everyone who was ‘meddling’ could probably see that it was a toxic relationship and were actually just trying to protect you.

He ran off with another woman and left you with 2 young kids - he’s not a catch! The blame doesn’t lie with you, it doesn’t lie with your mum, it doesn’t lie with anyone but him.

Our relationship must not have been strong enough. He hated the UK and his country is a lot nicer and he is really close to his family. He couldn't understand why I wanted to stay here but I just felt safer here with 2 babies because it is familiar. I don't even know if that makes sense to anyone. Now the children are a bit older and now that he has left, I feel that I made the wrong decision.

If he hated the UK, why did he make the decision to have two children with a UK citizen who might reasonably want to stay here? If you do that, you have to acknowledge that you might end up needing to stay in the UK for the sake of your children. This is on him too, OP, not just you. I split up with someone because he wanted his home country and I wanted to stay in the UK and we both knew we weren't going to be happy in each other's countries. It was sad, but it was a fundamental reason not to make a long term commitment to each other.

I do think the relationship with your mother and with this man are linked issues though, in the sense that your upbringing has left you vulnerable to bad relationships and to this level of self blame. Please get some help and realise that this is not all on you. He is not a good man and you are better off without him.

No, you're looking at it in a romantic way. What would have happened is there would have been another compromise to make, he would have left you anyway and you would have been stuck in a strange country with 2 kids. The fact he's showing no interest in his kids tells you what kind of man he is.

You don't need to speak to your mother about anything. What you need is people IRL to lean on through this

You are a good mum! Tgat is coming across in your posts!

Unfortunately despite what you write there is no guarantee that your relationship would have survived if you had moved.

I think you did your best by your kids by keeping them here.

Imagin if you had moved and he ditched you while you were abroad?

He doednt sound like a good dad if he is now ignoring his children.

Unfortunately a lot of relationships break up, there are no guarantees in life. So your mum is wrong. You relationship endured for years.

All you can do now is try and do your best for your kids.

You sound like a great mum from your posts.

Because I know that if I would have moved then he wouldn't have left us and the children would still have their daddy. He was so kind and he adored the children, he would do anything for them.

He wouldn't, though, would he. He wouldn't even stay living in the same country as them so he could see them.

I'm the foreign one in our relationship. English husband, English kids. I've lived here nearly 20 years and the homesickness still nearly kills me some days. I don't belong here. I miss my family and friends. I grieve the relationships my kids could have had with them, particularly given how absent DH's family are from our lives.

But we live here. This is where we've built our lives and I know how hard being an immigrant is, why would I do that to my family when I know how hard it is even when you really want to go?

Even if our marriage broke down, I wouldn't dream of moving back home. Because unlike your DH, I do actually love and prioritise my kids. I would do just about anything for them, including staying living in this country until they're adults at least.

So don't tell yourself that your DH really loves your kids, and that this is somehow your fault. Someone who really loves their kids doesn't disappear from their lives when they have the option to stay.

That image of what you think your children have lost is just that, an image, if it was real he would still be there for his children. The fact he isn't, the fact he can walk away like that means he isn't a good father or a good person. Good people don't leave their children. People who adore their children don't hurt them like this. The fact he can do that proves you did the right thing not moving. I'm so sorry for what you are all going through and I know this doesn't make it hurt less, and I know how hard it is to accept a person you loved and relied so deeply isn't a good person, but he isn't. Good decent father's who adore their kids stay involved in their children's lives.

He couldn't understand why I wanted to stay here but I just felt safer here with 2 babies because it is familiar. I don't even know if that makes sense to anyone.
Pretty sure it makes sense to everyone.

He hated the UK and his country is a lot nicer and he is really close to his family.
He's got you too believing that his country is objectively nicer, and yours is rubbish? Like it's a competition and not personal preference? What an arse.

Like your ex, I moved abroad and had a family with a local. I knew this meant I was tying myself to the new place, but it was still scary, however objectively superior you could argue this other country is. I found it hard. But I was the one who chose to go abroad, and I couldn't expect my ex to leave his home if he didn't want to. It was my choice to be abroad and have a child with a local. That was your ex's choice.

Your ex is blaming your breakup on you, like they all do. He's probably delighted you're actually accepting that blame! But he's the one who couldn't hack it abroad. He has abandoned his own children because he couldn't hack it abroad. And he blames you for not moving abroad? When he knows best how hard that can be?

My children are adults, the other country is their home so I'll never return to the UK. I know others in this position who are struggling to cope. Imagine if you'd gone to his country, he'd left you and you faced the choice: take your kids away from their dad or stay in this other random place the rest of your life. That would have been just as shit, if not worse.

You dodged a bullet by not moving abroad, OP. If you'd moved to your partner's home country, he would probably have left you anyway (because he's clearly a callous and uncaring individual), and then you'd have been stranded abroad, possibly unable to move back with your children. It would have been a monster mistake. At some level, you knew that, and you made the right decision.

If you can, try to leave your mother out of it. Maybe she saw something in your partner that she didn't like/trust. Maybe she was shit-stirring. Nobody knows - but your job now is to try to put that behind you and be the best mum that you can be.

Any man who can abandon their children is not a good father or a good person.

I just felt safer here with 2 babies because it is familiar. I don't even know if that makes sense to anyone. Now the children are a bit older and now that he has left, I feel that I made the wrong decision.

You’ve done nothing wrong. You were thinking of your children and their lives, their futures. You made your decision based on what was best for the majority of your family. Your husband chose what was best for him alone.
He could easily have gone off with someone else after you’d moved. Maybe he was so insistent on moving back because he knew you wouldn’t —- a way for him to dodge responsibility , shrug his shoulders and say “ not my fault”( sigh, sad look)
He’s the loser, not you. Your children will be sad if you’re sad. It’s time to put on your brave face for your children to make them feel more positive and resilient. Do one nice thing every day with them —- hot chocolate under a blanket reading a story, popcorn watching a film, a walk to a park, play on the swings with them. You’ll come through this. Practice sticking your fingers up to your ex ( without kids seeing, obvs) and telling him your life will get better, you’ll make sure it will.

Oh @Skynight9 💐

Your sadness and heartbreak is palpable.

I think you are just so bogged down in the thick of it that you can't see the wood for the trees. Everything that has happened proves that you absolutely made the correct decision by staying in the UK. It wasn't refusing to relocate your life to another country that caused your husband to betray you. That's down to his weakness of character and failings as a husband and father. He would have been the same inadequate man in any country. The only difference is that you would have found yourself potentially stuck in a foreign country, completely abandoned by him, with no support, at the mercy of an unfamiliar and possibly unfriendly legal system and unable to return your children to the UK. You - through your excellent judgement and commitment to your children - have averted a disaster that had the potential to cause enormous harm to yourself and your children. Please don't twist this into a failure on your part; it's the exact opposite!

Also bear in mind that him asking you to move abroad is not the same as you wanting to stay in the UK. He chose to move here. He chose to settle down and start a family here. All of that was of his own free will. It's not comparable to pressuring someone to move themselves and their children when they have an established family life here. You were not unreasonable to refuse and, as above, it's a bloody good job you did!

I think that with time you will realise that he's not the idealised man you currently think. Men who are great dads, adoring, kind etc do not run off with another woman and leave the country. They simply don't.

In the meantime be kind to yourself, seek support from friends and maybe even seek therapy if you can. You sound like an amazing mum and your kids are in the best hands.