She was right... he has left me : ( she got her wish

[Skynight9]

I remember my horrible abusive mum told me when my baby was 5 months old that my partner would soon leave me for someone else. Well she got her wish, he has left me. We have two children 5 and 7. I miss him, I miss our family life. He has met someone else now so I know there is no going back for us. That is it, I'm heartbroken. Our relationship wasn't perfect but we also had too many people interfering. Thinking back I can see all they ways that my mother would try to poison my relationship. Although I know it wasn't just that why it ended.

I am finding it all so hard to process. It was mainly due to not agreeing which county to live in. He wanted us to be nearer his family and I wanted to stay in the UK as it is what I know and felt more comfortable here with 2 babies. We made it work but there was strains and now he's left. He doesn't really keep much contact with the children anymore:(

I'm heart broken. I should have agreed to move to country he wanted, it is a nice country and I suppose we would have adjusted. I'm so sad, my poor babies. We all miss him. I can't bring myself to tell my mum, I know she would be rubbing her hands together in glee. I hate her, she has always been very abusive and was violent to me when I was younger. I then found something good and now I have lost it and I have lost it for my children 💔. This is not what I wanted. I can't process it all. My poor babies, I screwed up and the guilt is killing me.

It's interesting that you blame your mother; (for spotting your ex was a rat ) and you blame yourself for the fact the rat ratted on you.

But there's not one word of blame or criticism for the man who abandoned his two children and you for selfish reasons and can't be bothered to maintain any contact with the children (which is possible, even from another country)..
Does he even support them financially?

He's hurt his helpless dependent children; just like your mother did you. Why pile all your anger and venom on her, and none on him for behaving like her?

Very gently, your faithless ex would not have become a better man if you had moved. Thank god you stayed where you can better support yourself and your dc. No good father stops contact with his dc in any circumstances, sonhe was not a good father.

It sounds like you've had a run if bad relationships - your mum, your ex. This isn't your fault. You need people around you who are kind and support you. You deserve better than them.

You could have lived here or there, been like this or that, etc etc but he’s a weak idiot who would have thought with his dick regardless.
Maybe him being out of your kids lives is a blessing.

It's interesting that you blame your mother; (for spotting your ex was a rat ) and you blame yourself for the fact the rat ratted on you.

Her mother was abusive and violent. She didn't "spot" anything. It wasn't a warning that came from good place; it was a venomous comment designed purely to hurt OP. OP is now upset because, having coincidentally have been correct about her husband, she knows her mother will take joy in her suffering. I can see the point you're trying to make but ignoring all of the other information OP has given about her mother to fit that agenda is just gaslighting her.

He was so kind and he adored the children, he would do anything for them.

Except raise them, stay with them, support them, and stay in touch with them after he deserted them. Apart from that, he's a great dad????????????

He's done one of the worst things a parent can ever do; walk away and abandon his FAMILY for the most hypocritical of pathetic excuses (" to be near his family because he misses them").

He's really done a number on you.

He’s not that kind & adoring of the children if he’s prepared to do this. No matter which country you were in, he’d have cheated. If he’s that way inclined, doesn’t matter where you are.

Theres only 1 person to blame here & that’s him. Don’t sell yourself short.

I look at my children and wonder how my mum could treat her child the way she did me.

Far from perfect, but at least she stayed the course, didn't totally give up on you. Unlike your childrens father.

Why aren't you looking at your children and wondering how he could treat them that way ?

Her mother was abusive and violent. She didn't "spot" anything.
Exatly, OP's mum would have said this of any partner.

You sound like a loving Mum and your kids are lucky to have you. Sounds like you're right to keep your mum at bay because she sounds like the sort of negative influence no-one needs in their life.
Your husband clearly was not the wonderful person you think he was, since he put moving ahead of you and his kids. Marriage is a team effort, and he doesn't sound like he is a team player. Better it happened this way round than if you moved and then he found someone else. Which he probably would have done anyway.
(I'm assuming there weren't mitigating circumstances like him wanting to live near a dying parent or something).
It's rough now, but time heals. Your kids have got you, and you can move on with the next phase of your life. You've got this.
It's not your fault - from what you've said, it's his fault. Don't let the guilt of how it affects your kids get to you either - after all, he could have been hit by a bus instead of leaving you, and you'd be in the same situation.
You're there for your kids, and he's missing out on that - they're great fun at that age and he's not a part of that, by choice.
Chin up, stay strong and look forwards.

That's it - brace up OP, all you need do to achieve a wonderful chance of a delightful lifestyle is have access to several thousand pounds to fund a long trip, & a willingness to suggest a menage a trois to your ex.

Bet you're glad you posted for this remarkable suggestion alone! 😂

Well said @PyongyangKipperbang I was hoping PP would pick up on the "blamed by mother for father's abandonment" issue, as I'd banged on enough already ...

OP, PLEASE take heed of Kipper's advice -
What worries me though is that you say you are no contact but you dont want to tell her he has left. Why do you need to tell her? She is not in your life, you dont have to tell her anything. It worries me that you are still in the mindset of feeling like you should.

Sweetheart, your children have you, and they are so lucky to have a warm, loving mother.

You need to love and respect their mother, to support and encourage and empower her for their sakes even if you don’t yet feel deserving in your own right.

When you’re ready, google Buddhist metta meditation (it’s hard at first but one of the most powerful practices)

Another poster said that your mother blamed you as a child, now you’re blaming yourself as a mother - which is a completely understandable psychological place to be in. If therapy is an option, it can help. And the freedom programme is also worth looking at because your childhood abuse leaves you vulnerable to men, that people who grew up secure in love would kick to the kerb.

You are already awesome - you held your ground and stayed in a safe place when your dc were small. You are breaking the cycle of abuse. You are the wonderful parent who is still there, daily in day out.

OP I know you are hurting but you did absolutely the right thing in not moving. The fact that he abandoned you and his own children, and hardly even keeps in touch with them, tells you who he really is.

If you had gone you would have been isolated, been bereft if everything overnight, and trapped with a man who regards you as an entitlement and not a partner.

it hurts now, but my goodness, you had strength and sense not to go. Well done you, you are amazing! You really are and I really mean that.

Because I know that if I would have moved then he wouldn't have left us and the children would still have their daddy

You don't know that. Cheaters are cheaters. Exactly the same thing might have happened if you had moved to his country. You move there, the children get to age 5 and 7 and he leaves for another woman and then has minimal contact with them.
If he really cared about his children and was that great a dad there is no way he would have left and moved back to his country because the children would have been more important to anything else. He doesn't keep contact with the children any more - there are loads of ways to stay in contact even if you are in another country. I live abroad and I regularly video chat with people in the UK and send presents and cards. There is no excuse for him not keeping in touch with his children. It just shows that he's not the great father you think he is.

I am sorry you are so heartbroken but please stop blaming yourself for not moving country. That is not the only reason this happened. Imagine if you'd moved and ended up unhappy in his country, away from whatever friends you have and then he cheats and you split and you can't leave that country with the children because you legally can't take them away from their Dad. That would have been even worse than the situation you are in now.

Your Mum is awful and you should go NC with her.

It's not that unusual for some families who do that with their children. Why so hostile if I had the money I would do it. My partner has discussed it with me but it takes money to do it.

But you never ever had a “nice bright future” with this man.

You could have kidded yourself on this point if before you found out about the affair, he was killed in a car crash but you know he is capable of epic deceit and selfishness. So if not this OW woman, there was always going to be an OW at some point

t. I feel like it is making me mentally ill. We have lost so much, my poor babies.

well they’ve “lost” having a mother and a lying, cheating father living under the same roof, yes.

Don’t make them now lose a functioning, engaged and positive mother.

I think you're amazing, OP.

Your mother was abusive. Maybe her mother was abusive too, or something horrible happened to her, who knows. It wasn't right and she didn't model good relationships to you.

Your ex cheated on you and has left your kids without keeping in contact. That says he has a lack of respect for himself and the people closest to him.

You've kept it together and you've recognised your mother for what she is, and you're raising your kids alone. And yet despite all this, you're here worrying if you're good enough. To break the cycle of abuse is amazing and powerful.

Your kids will have kids and show them the same kindness and gentleness you're showing them. Their kids will have kids and their kids and so on. In centuries from now, people could be having happier lives because of the effort you're making now not to give your kids the upbringing you had.

He doesn't keep in contact with his children?
He left you and them?

That's not an adoring father, sorry.

Stop looking to blame yourself, he upped and left. He's abandoned the kids, he's left you to manage alone.

When this phase of trying to keep him the good guy and it being all your fault is over, you'll realise he's the one who's messed up here.... not you.

The Government is going to make people work like dogs in this country. They are begging the over 50's who have gone into retirement to return back to work. The cost of living has changed and maybe he felt like he couldn't cope with a pittance, a broken back and his spirit crushed. Since Brexit there has been a movement of change.

Flip it the other way he could have left you anyway if you did move. You know him better than anyone on this thread about how he felt.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Hope you're okay ❤️

He didn't 'do anything for his children though did he? That to me makes him selfish, unkind, irresponsible, cruel etc. etc. You're better off without him.

What's your mother to do with anything. I think she just sussed him out for who he was. She saw traits you didn't. He is an idiot.

Enjoy your children, without someone making you feel guilty the whole time.

Not true Bazookas.

Not having a pop at you, as you may not have seen a now-withdrawn post of OP's that describes some of the blame & abuse OP's mother heaped on her.

That mother didn't "stay the course", she used her own child as whipping boy & fetish object to project her rage onto about her own abandonment by OP's father.

The fact that she may have been right that OP's Ex is an arse is immaterial.
She didn't say that as a supportive warning - she used it to goad OP into believing that both her father's abandonment of her mother, & the anticipated abandonment of OP & her kids by her jerk of an ex was, & would be, all OP's fault.

Nothing could be further from the truth.
I strongly suspect that OP's mother & her ex are cut from exactly the same cloth.
Which is why I hope OP makes an appointment with her GP asap, & accepts signposting to support & therapeutic services.

Better to be here alone with your children rather than potentially lose them to him / be unable to leave the country if he’d have decided to split from you once moved abroad.

The ire - which I share completely btw - comes from that poster's inability to read simple sentences & understand that - 1) popping abroad for 6 weeks & having the resources to arrange a fortnight in a local school takes good local connections & a shit ton of money - the first of which OP definitely does NOT have - she only has a hostile ex & a family who will have been told convenient lies about her - & 2) the hostile partner is already shacked up with another woman.

Why so hostile if I had the money I would do it.
You know this thread isn't about YOU, but about a single parent who cannot trust her birth family for support, & is likely as cash-strapped by childcare etc as most single-income households raising 2 young children, right?
My partner has discussed it with me but it takes money to do it.
You know this thread isn't about YOU, but about a single parent whose partner has abandoned her & their children, & is likely as cash-strapped by childcare etc as most single-income households raising 2 young children, right?